New Year’s Eve Party Etiquette for animal abusers (humor)

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New Year’s Party EtiquetteDecember 29th, 2009

 

http://bobchorush.com/blog/?p=511

I haven't made any special plans yet for New Year’s, but I've heard

from a lot of friends that they might be in the company of animal abusers

at their New Year’s Eve celebrations. While we normally kiss and hug at

the turn of the year, perhaps there are some other alternatives. Here are

some suggestions if your turn-of-the-decade celebrations include any of

the following:

 

Vivisectors

Instead of party-poppers or fireworks, try electroshock. Electroshock is

not painful if you just refer to it as “negative reinforcement.” A

good ZAP! at the stroke of midnight will light up any vivisector and show

your appreciation for his work. Perhaps they'll rethink their plans for

the new year after you turn off the juice.

..

Dog breeders

 

 

Dog breeders really love their animals. Bring a chain and empty water

bowl to your New Year’s party so that you can chain a dog breeder to the

back of the house. Really, the breeder will love it. New Year’s morning,

if you think of it, throw them some scraps.

 

 

Circus workers

If you’re lucky enough to have an ice ax and are going to party with

circus workers, give them loving taps on the shin, neck and ears while

you joke about training. See if you can get them to stand on their heads,

walk in a line holding each others’ crotches, or just dress them up and

parade them around. They'll be the life of the party.

...

Fur farmers

 

 

Of course, no one expects you to have anal electrocution supplies on hand

at a New Year’s party, but it’s not hard to improvise. If you have a

Hot-Shot or a taser, cuddle up to your favorite fur farmer and ram it up

his ass and let ‘er rip as the little hand lands on the 12. Your fur

farmer friends will be touched at the thought and consideration.

...

 

Zoo Captive Breeding Folks

Nothing says New Year’s like electro-ejaculation. Of course, this is for

adult partiers, but with a little preparation, as the new year comes in,

your zoo friends will be humping and jerking and having the time of their

lives. You may even decide to breed them.

...

 

Hunters

Most parties are too small to allow firearms, so don't even think about

shooting a hunter. They do that well enough themselves. But darts are

another story entirely. Subtly pin dart targets to your hunter friends’

backs, pass out darts to the other party goers and stand back and watch

the fun.

..

 

Fishermen

Fishermen love the thrill of being out of their natural environment. If

you’re lucky enough to celebrate New Year’s near the ocean or a swimming

pool, suggest that your fisherman friends spend the stroke of midnight

underwater taking deep breaths and thinking about the ones that got away.

If you’re not near a body of water, improvise. There’s always

water-boarding and don't forget that toilet.

 

 

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