OT- very long post RE: conflict resolution

[Guest guest]

I feel I need to do some follow-up on the following situation but

have been socially isolated for several years due to illness and do

not feel comfortable approaching the people involved. I hope you can

give me some feedback. Feel free to email off list.

 

DD is 4 years old and will not be 5 until after the school year

begins so she is considered pre-K. I put her in a once a week dance

class a few weeks ago. The first week she cried because I didn't put

the right barrette in her hair. The second week she pushed a few

other 4 or 5 year old girls. When asked why, she replied they were

too close to her. The teacher moved all the girls farther apart and

DD did not push again. Yesterday, DD held another child and would not

release her. The teacher brought her out to me and we spoke about it.

DD then apologized to the other little girl, returned to class and

did not have any other problems.

 

After class, I asked the teacher what she though about DD behavior.

She asked " She's not in preschool? " expecting me to say no. She's not

in preschool or daycare as I am a SAHM. The instructor said no

problem, her behavior is normal and she would get used to being in a

class. I explained DD was adopted and her adoption was initially

disrupted (we had to leave without her but then was allowed to bring

her home 5 weeks later). I told her that DD had begun to show

tendencies to hold on to things she liked/loved and did not want to

be separated from. I have read that there can be emotional problems

with disrupted adoptions, even if the child is only one day old. So,

I was planning to pursue this with a professional, " just in case. "

The instructor said fine but she didn't think DD behavior was

abnormal.

 

So, last night, the instructor calls and very apologetically explains

the other little girl's mother called the school very upset that her

child had a scratch on her neck. The director said that my child

would be given " one more chance " and then no longer allowed to attend

this ballet school. I was shocked and did not think to ask questions

of the instructor. For example, did she see the scratch, is she sure

it was the same child my daughter held onto, did she tell the

director what she told me about the incident not being a problem? Why

did one incident hold so much weight – did the child have to be taken

to the emergency room ( I was there and there was no paramedics),

does this other mother give a lot of money to the school or did she

threaten a lawsuit? (As long as this school has been in business,

they would know that a judge wouldn't rule that normal and expected

behavior is negligent.)

 

I can only assume that my daughter did scratch this child if she was

the child whose neck (neck and shoulder area) she did not release. I

do not know if the instructor saw the scratch and was sure herself. I

am very upset because of the way this is being handled. I taught

competitive gymnastics as well as a dance and tumble program for tots

ages 3 – 5. Touching, grabbing, hitting, pinching, hair-pulling, etc

were expected behaviors. We didn't expect these behaviors to occur

constantly but knew that they were considered within the range of

normalcy for this level of child development. And we occasionally saw

these behaviors in the elementary and middle school girls (albeit

much, much less often). If we did have a recurring problem, both

parents were involved. This dance school has been in business for

over 20 years but somehow one complaint without a response/defense

from me (for my child) has gotten my child effectively kicked out of

classes at 4 years of age. When did it become appropriate to adopt a

zero tolerance program for preschoolers regarding normal

developmental behaviors?

 

I have several emotional responses at the moment. The first is a knee-

jerk " fine, how dare you and we will take our business elsewhere. "

The second is " how dare you treat my child this way when, as far as I

know, there is no real problem yet – why haven't you employed

conflict resolution skills that children of this age are learning to

develop? " (Why wasn't I asked to come in to talk to the director?)

 

I think this instructor is actually a good fit for my daughter. And,

this location is important to me because of my driving problems. So I

am conflicted as what to do. If I talk to the director and she agrees

with me, the other mother will be angry and there will be negative

feelings and tension and I don't know if that will somehow affect my

DD. If I talk to the director and she becomes agitated that I do not

see her view, then there will be tension if we are allowed to stay.

To me, there is no win-win in this situation. But, as my DDs mother,

I think it is my job to stand up for her (and deal with her negative

behavior as well). I am sure as she grows, there will be other

situations, like veganism, that she will need my help with. I want

her to know I am there for her (not that I will accept inappropriate

behavior but that I won't let her me stomped on as a preschooler).

My friend also feels that I need to follow through with the director.

Her view is that if there is a bad atmosphere after our talk, that we

would just find a different school. This would be likely anyway as my

child just developed this behavior and I can't imagine that within

the next 6 months she won't repeat it in some fashion. (The behavior

isn't grabbing and pinching a neck. It is hugging and not releasing

when the other party is ready to let go. Like other little girls her

age, she likes to hug a lot.) So, my child would know that I stood up

for her but then Mommy decided that was not a nice place for her to

be.

 

OK, so how do I approach the director and what do I say. I figured I

would call for an appointment. Next is worrisome to me as I now have

difficulty with communication – I have problems pulling the

appropriate word from my brain and there are pause in my speech. Then

my voice rises as I hurriedly try to get out what I am thinking. Many

people find this offensive. As you can see, my writing skills are no

longer adequate and I am not sure a letter is what I want anyway –

written words can be taken out of context and used against you later

and a letter is not personable. It may be taken the wrong way.

 

Addendum – DD just decided to talk about the incident. She said the

other girl scratched with her tooth when she tried to kiss her and it

upset DD. That is why she was holding onto to her. DD actually said

she was pushing her – I guess she felt she was pushing her away and

holding her there. DD does have a small mark on the corner of her

mouth the size of a small child's canine. This certainly makes it

seem better when talking to the director. But I am still worried

because of my communication skills and I am afraid it will seem like

a " your child started it first, your child is more wrong than my

child, my child can't do wrong…. " I say these things because I have

had many bad experiences with my communication skills since my

disability.

 

Thanks,

Carrol

 

PS I am dealing with this on top of the fact that in the last 2 weeks

my child has been bullied by a group of five children from 5 to 13

years old, pushed and teased by two boys 4 – 5 y ears old and had her

toys taken from her by another adult while she was playing with them.

This adult and her child came to the play area 30 minutes after we

did and just walked in and started taking DD toys and giving them to

her daughter. I asked the woman to please let the children share on

their own but she continued to take, without asking or explaining to

my DD. I had to sit next to my daughter and not allow it. Although, I

did encourage my daughter to share. Three or more parents saw the 2

boys pushing and cornering my daughter, they would not let her leave

while they taunted her. She scratched one of them and their mother

became enraged. She didn't care that my daughter was half their size

and being physically bullied by them. The parent of the group of five

was there but did not show any interest in what her children were

doing. I am not quick to react as I think it is important for

children to learn conflict resolution. But these three incidents were

noted and commented on by other parents in the play area. I do not

understand why it is ok for other children to physically harm my

daughter but no ok for my daughter to not want to stop hugging. Sorry

for the vent. Any help is appreciated.

[Guest guest]

Carol,

 

first and foremost - do not feel that you should apologize for venting. all

if not most of us are parents and i'm sure that at least some of us have

been in similar situations, myself included.

 

the majority of what you're talking about seems to me like normal child

behavior. i have some experience as both a teacher as well as a certified

(former) child caregiver.

 

i'm not completely clear as to why the instructor wants to eject your child

from the group, but if i had to venture a guess it sounds like a case of

(s)he who complained the loudest got their way. i saw it all the time in the

day care centers i worked in in the past. it's completely unfair to the

parents who actually try to work things out on their own.

 

as far as whether or not the teacher saw anything, i don't know what to tell

you. here, we're required to fill out paperwork when any child is injured -

whether self-inflicted, at the hands of another, or even a simple case of

tripped over a shoelace (this is in a child care setting though - i'm unsure

as to whether the same is true for other situations) and give a copy to the

parent(s). seeing as your child was injured and you didn't mention being

given an incident report form, i'd venture a guess that the instructor is

going solely on the word of the other parent.

 

as far as the bullying goes, while i fully understand that you want the

children to be able to sort things out on their own, it appears that the

other parents are disinterested at all. i am a firm believer that ignorance

breeds bullying. i would definitely step in, whether that means addressing

the children directly or speaking to their parents.

 

hope that's a little helpful!

 

--

HAIKU

---

Drag queens are the rea-

Son I pluck my eyebrows. It's

The least I can do.

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

It sounds like you are surrounded by self-centered, my-stuff-doesn't-stink

people.

 

Do you have a spouse/partner who can do the negotiating? Fathers are

(unfortunately) generally more respected than mothers, and given your medical

situation, it would probably work better anyway.

 

Definitely point out that your child has been the victim of bullies recently, so

there are larger issues in play. Unfortunately, the squeaky wheel gets the

grease, so you can't be meek about your side of the story.

 

Finally, yes, it's a smart idea to learn targeted therapies WRT adoption issues.

Here is a good website to start with. There's a forum as well as articles, so

you can ask specific questions: www.informedadoptions.com

 

Good luck,

 

Liz