Guest guest Posted November 24, 2008 Report Share Posted November 24, 2008 Okay, Cassie, this is coming from the MOST attachment parenty, co-sleepingy parent you will ever meet: sometimes they just have to fuss and get over it. Giving in on some things for you, not an option (like you said, car seats, etc.). I have three kids so far (pregnant with #4) and you just have to learn to turn off the part of your brain that is overly sensitive to the kind of whining that is intended to tug at your heart strings and get their way. When you start giving into that, it's like a monster that grows stronger with each 'feeding'. You just maintain your usual pleasant, nurturing demeanor. It is you, giving your kid a clear signal that fussing (again, the kind intended to get something) isn't going to help. If it seems too hard now, put a picture in your mind of what this will look like when she's 13- and 10 or so more years practiced at it. Not pretty.You know the difference between the two types of fuss, I'm sure. You feel it in your Mommy gut. We all wish there was a magic trick, believe me. I think distraction with a little song or joke is the best you're going to get. As for the three hours to get dressed, here's my trick for any kind of resistant behavior. And my two kids who are of age to display resistance are extremely strong willed, so I've had lots of practice. Whatever the task, they do nothing else until it's done. Getting dressed is one we have struggles over, too. So I sit on the floor with the clothes, and if they run away, I call them to come back or go get them if need be. The key here is to pretend like this is all normal, pleasant, not a struggle or battle from your perspective. Rush to get the doll? Nope. I gently take it and explain that they can have it as soon as we get the shirt on, so they can hold it. Oh, sure, we can watch tv, or have a snack...as soon as you're dressed (big smile here)! All this pleasant non-struggling gets real boring, real quick. This tactic also cuts out the wiggling, squirming, because they are deciding to get dressed themselves. As for times when you need to be out of the house at a certain time, i would a) make sure you're giving her enough time to awake, etc. . This does get a bit trickier, because they know you're under the gun, which is why she canot be moved when she knows you're trying to get out of the house. You just have to have a more business-like demeanor: " This IS what we're doing right now. " If there's wiggling, squirming, here's a trick I use that I also observed my friend's son's Behavior Analysis therapists use with him when he tantrums (he's autistic): you sort of play dead while the wiggling's going on. What they're really looking for here is a)to waste time, and b) avoidance, and/or c) to keep engaging you. You look the other way, take your hands off of them, wait for them to calm. Totally disengage yourself. When they're calm,then you keep right on doing whatever it was that you needed them to do in the first place. If necessary, repeat. Like I said, it gets boring to struggle against someone who isn't struggling against you. Much easier just to do what they want and get on with the day. Make sure you heap lots of praise when the task is accomplished. So you're getting the task done, but you're also removing all negative reinforcement (by playing dead) and replacing it with positive, once the task is done. Who doesn't like positive reinforcement instead of negative? And believe me, if it works for a tantruming autistic kid, with who knows what kind of little nervous system glitches, it'll work for a typical kid. Although it's not a miracle of course. Consistency, as with all things, is key. Sorry I'm so long winded here. One more thing. The abc song works wonders. My kids HATE (and there is not a font size big enough to express how much) to have their hair washed. i sing the abc song while I'm doing it and they usually sing, too, and it distracts them. Or, at the very least, they have a finite point to look forward to when they know it will be over. That's the key- you have to make sure whatever you're doing will be done by the time you get to the end of the song. The good news is you can speed it up/slow it down as necessary. hope something here helps. know that we ALL have parenting struggles. forget the peace corps; being a mom is the toughest job you'll ever love! jenni ________________________________ Cassie Dixon <roxy87cabriolet Monday, November 24, 2008 11:27:56 AM Re: Re: Picky child Kim, Quite a few times she says, " just me, mommy " while getting dressed, taking medicine, cleaning her room, etc... I love when she says it, proving her independence. Many times it just takes distraction to get things done. I have been really rushed, too, and if she feels rushed, there is no moving that child! LOL Sunday it took about 3 hours to get her completely dressed, but there was no fuss. I need a magic trick. I will only use it in dire emergencies, but I need an instant " stop crying " trick, other than giving in. Being a working mom, single 5 days a week, I can't take the fussing. Thanks for the support. Cassie --- On Sat, 11/22/08, kimguest1 <kimguest1 > wrote: kimguest1 <kimguest1 > Re: Picky child @gro ups.com Saturday, November 22, 2008, 1:10 PM We have soooo been there. My daughter was about 1.5 and getting dressed and out the door was always a big battle. I mean screaming and just beeing impossible to clothe.(arms and legs kicking, and wiggling).Every time! I tried saying that if she doesn't get dressed, we can't go out. Which totaly didn't work cause she was happy to keep playing at home....which in turn made me more upset because i wanted/needed to go out. She too, would not be happy with the clothes i let her choose between, or even if i let her pick something out herselfe. So i figured that it never was really about the clothes, but that she probably had a hard time adjusting from one situation to the next. Now at 2.5 she wants to dress herselfe, we started with shoes, and with help, showing her whats back and front and so on, she can pretty much do it herselfe. Maybe your daughter too wouldn't care about whats put on if she can be apart of doing it? @gro ups.com, Cassie Dixon <roxy87cabriolet@ ...> wrote: > > My husband and I spent almost 10 min wrestling our daughter into pants and a long sleeved shirt. 5 min later she is still screeching and begging us to take it off. Poor thing is soo very tired of screaming, her voice is hoarse, yet she can't get past having longer clothes on. We live in Fl, so we can get by with tanks and shorts, but this cold front of a whopping 50 is keeping us in the house to avoid meltdowns. Now, she is 2.5, so I know I should be expecting this, but, do I let her cry herself to sleep over clothing? Do I give in and try again. Sometimes there are real crocodile tears, but other times she is just excersizing her independence. We gave her 2 choices, then we chose. She didnt want our outfit, but didnt want anything else reasonable either. > Help! > > Cassie > " life's a garden, dig it! " > > Sent from my iPhone > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 24, 2008 Report Share Posted November 24, 2008 Liz, thank you for that. This afternoon we were watching Dora together and naming the animals we love. I asked if she loved chickens, pigs, and cows. She replied overjoyed " yes!!! " I asked if we eat each of those animals and she said no wig a questioning look (why would we do that, mom?) then she said she loved Reya and Sophia, her friends, and I asked her if she knew that Reya and Sophia ate those animals. She matter of factly informed me " no they don't, mommy " . Her expression was that of total disbelief I would talk about that type of thing. I was hoping for a chance to explain how some people have made decisions like ours and some have made other decisions. She was not having it! LOL! Cassie " life's a garden, dig it! " Sent from my iPhone On Nov 24, 2008, at 12:17 PM, ERB <bakwin wrote: <<The child I know the best has an issue with clothes, too- too long, too scratchy, etc. Stuff that wouldn't seem 'scratchy' to anyone else. He also has a fit if his socks aren't put on just right so they'll fit in his shoes 'smoothly'. As well, he can't stand to have his hair brushed or cut. He's also an extremely picky eater known to spontaneously vomit food that has been forced on him. He is generally, needless to say, extremely sensitive to all kinds of stuff having to do with all of the senses.>> FWIW, I had a child like this. It took about 7 or 8 years before she outgrew it (mostly). So, don't assume it's a permanent trait. It could just be a stage. Also, I've found that it made her more staunchly vegetarian. Even now, in middle school with all the attendant peer pressure problems (we've agreed that she won't take vegetables in her packed lunch anymore, because the kids tease her), she is entirely self-directed on the subject. The smell of animal flesh, to say nothing of having a vivid imagination reminding her that animals are tortured and killed, all keep her an unapologetic vegetarian year after year in an often non-veg friendly school environment. Being sensitive is a good thing! Liz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 25, 2008 Report Share Posted November 25, 2008 LOVE the ABC song idea. I have decided to use it during teeth brushing, as that can turn into playtime at the sink if I am not careful. Also, sitting on the potty is her latest distraction to get out of something she doesn't like. I will put her on the potty, but she will sit all day to get out of dressing or going to bed. Thanks, Cassie --- On Mon, 11/24/08, jenni claire garverick <jennigarverick wrote: jenni claire garverick <jennigarverick Re: Re: Picky child Monday, November 24, 2008, 4:57 PM Okay, Cassie, this is coming from the MOST attachment parenty, co-sleepingy parent you will ever meet: sometimes they just have to fuss and get over it. Giving in on some things for you, not an option (like you said, car seats, etc.). I have three kids so far (pregnant with #4) and you just have to learn to turn off the part of your brain that is overly sensitive to the kind of whining that is intended to tug at your heart strings and get their way. When you start giving into that, it's like a monster that grows stronger with each 'feeding'. You just maintain your usual pleasant, nurturing demeanor. It is you, giving your kid a clear signal that fussing (again, the kind intended to get something) isn't going to help. If it seems too hard now, put a picture in your mind of what this will look like when she's 13- and 10 or so more years practiced at it. Not pretty.You know the difference between the two types of fuss, I'm sure. You feel it in your Mommy gut. We all wish there was a magic trick, believe me. I think distraction with a little song or joke is the best you're going to get. As for the three hours to get dressed, here's my trick for any kind of resistant behavior. And my two kids who are of age to display resistance are extremely strong willed, so I've had lots of practice. Whatever the task, they do nothing else until it's done. Getting dressed is one we have struggles over, too. So I sit on the floor with the clothes, and if they run away, I call them to come back or go get them if need be. The key here is to pretend like this is all normal, pleasant, not a struggle or battle from your perspective. Rush to get the doll? Nope. I gently take it and explain that they can have it as soon as we get the shirt on, so they can hold it. Oh, sure, we can watch tv, or have a snack...as soon as you're dressed (big smile here)! All this pleasant non-struggling gets real boring, real quick. This tactic also cuts out the wiggling, squirming, because they are deciding to get dressed themselves. As for times when you need to be out of the house at a certain time, i would a) make sure you're giving her enough time to awake, etc. . This does get a bit trickier, because they know you're under the gun, which is why she canot be moved when she knows you're trying to get out of the house. You just have to have a more business-like demeanor: " This IS what we're doing right now. " If there's wiggling, squirming, here's a trick I use that I also observed my friend's son's Behavior Analysis therapists use with him when he tantrums (he's autistic): you sort of play dead while the wiggling's going on. What they're really looking for here is a)to waste time, and b) avoidance, and/or c) to keep engaging you. You look the other way, take your hands off of them, wait for them to calm. Totally disengage yourself. When they're calm,then you keep right on doing whatever it was that you needed them to do in the first place. If necessary, repeat. Like I said, it gets boring to struggle against someone who isn't struggling against you. Much easier just to do what they want and get on with the day. Make sure you heap lots of praise when the task is accomplished. So you're getting the task done, but you're also removing all negative reinforcement (by playing dead) and replacing it with positive, once the task is done. Who doesn't like positive reinforcement instead of negative? And believe me, if it works for a tantruming autistic kid, with who knows what kind of little nervous system glitches, it'll work for a typical kid. Although it's not a miracle of course. Consistency, as with all things, is key. Sorry I'm so long winded here. One more thing. The abc song works wonders. My kids HATE (and there is not a font size big enough to express how much) to have their hair washed. i sing the abc song while I'm doing it and they usually sing, too, and it distracts them. Or, at the very least, they have a finite point to look forward to when they know it will be over. That's the key- you have to make sure whatever you're doing will be done by the time you get to the end of the song. The good news is you can speed it up/slow it down as necessary. hope something here helps. know that we ALL have parenting struggles. forget the peace corps; being a mom is the toughest job you'll ever love! jenni ____________ _________ _________ __ Cassie Dixon <roxy87cabriolet@ > @gro ups.com Monday, November 24, 2008 11:27:56 AM Re: Re: Picky child Kim, Quite a few times she says, " just me, mommy " while getting dressed, taking medicine, cleaning her room, etc... I love when she says it, proving her independence. Many times it just takes distraction to get things done. I have been really rushed, too, and if she feels rushed, there is no moving that child! LOL Sunday it took about 3 hours to get her completely dressed, but there was no fuss. I need a magic trick. I will only use it in dire emergencies, but I need an instant " stop crying " trick, other than giving in. Being a working mom, single 5 days a week, I can't take the fussing. Thanks for the support. Cassie --- On Sat, 11/22/08, kimguest1 <kimguest1 > wrote: kimguest1 <kimguest1 > Re: Picky child @gro ups.com Saturday, November 22, 2008, 1:10 PM We have soooo been there. My daughter was about 1.5 and getting dressed and out the door was always a big battle. I mean screaming and just beeing impossible to clothe.(arms and legs kicking, and wiggling).Every time! I tried saying that if she doesn't get dressed, we can't go out. Which totaly didn't work cause she was happy to keep playing at home....which in turn made me more upset because i wanted/needed to go out. She too, would not be happy with the clothes i let her choose between, or even if i let her pick something out herselfe. So i figured that it never was really about the clothes, but that she probably had a hard time adjusting from one situation to the next. Now at 2.5 she wants to dress herselfe, we started with shoes, and with help, showing her whats back and front and so on, she can pretty much do it herselfe. Maybe your daughter too wouldn't care about whats put on if she can be apart of doing it? @gro ups.com, Cassie Dixon <roxy87cabriolet@ ...> wrote: > > My husband and I spent almost 10 min wrestling our daughter into pants and a long sleeved shirt. 5 min later she is still screeching and begging us to take it off. Poor thing is soo very tired of screaming, her voice is hoarse, yet she can't get past having longer clothes on. We live in Fl, so we can get by with tanks and shorts, but this cold front of a whopping 50 is keeping us in the house to avoid meltdowns. Now, she is 2.5, so I know I should be expecting this, but, do I let her cry herself to sleep over clothing? Do I give in and try again. Sometimes there are real crocodile tears, but other times she is just excersizing her independence. We gave her 2 choices, then we chose. She didnt want our outfit, but didnt want anything else reasonable either. > Help! > > Cassie > " life's a garden, dig it! " > > Sent from my iPhone > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 25, 2008 Report Share Posted November 25, 2008 My 13 year still sings the abc-song twice while she brushes her teeth. Robin --- On Tue, 11/25/08, Cassie Dixon <roxy87cabriolet wrote: Cassie Dixon <roxy87cabriolet Re: Re: Picky child Tuesday, November 25, 2008, 11:50 AM LOVE the ABC song idea. I have decided to use it during teeth brushing, as that can turn into playtime at the sink if I am not careful. Also, sitting on the potty is her latest distraction to get out of something she doesn't like. I will put her on the potty, but she will sit all day to get out of dressing or going to bed. Thanks, Cassie --- On Mon, 11/24/08, jenni claire garverick <jennigarverick@ > wrote: jenni claire garverick <jennigarverick@ > Re: Re: Picky child @gro ups.com Monday, November 24, 2008, 4:57 PM Okay, Cassie, this is coming from the MOST attachment parenty, co-sleepingy parent you will ever meet: sometimes they just have to fuss and get over it. Giving in on some things for you, not an option (like you said, car seats, etc.). I have three kids so far (pregnant with #4) and you just have to learn to turn off the part of your brain that is overly sensitive to the kind of whining that is intended to tug at your heart strings and get their way. When you start giving into that, it's like a monster that grows stronger with each 'feeding'. You just maintain your usual pleasant, nurturing demeanor. It is you, giving your kid a clear signal that fussing (again, the kind intended to get something) isn't going to help. If it seems too hard now, put a picture in your mind of what this will look like when she's 13- and 10 or so more years practiced at it. Not pretty.You know the difference between the two types of fuss, I'm sure. You feel it in your Mommy gut. We all wish there was a magic trick, believe me. I think distraction with a little song or joke is the best you're going to get. As for the three hours to get dressed, here's my trick for any kind of resistant behavior. And my two kids who are of age to display resistance are extremely strong willed, so I've had lots of practice. Whatever the task, they do nothing else until it's done. Getting dressed is one we have struggles over, too. So I sit on the floor with the clothes, and if they run away, I call them to come back or go get them if need be. The key here is to pretend like this is all normal, pleasant, not a struggle or battle from your perspective. Rush to get the doll? Nope. I gently take it and explain that they can have it as soon as we get the shirt on, so they can hold it. Oh, sure, we can watch tv, or have a snack...as soon as you're dressed (big smile here)! All this pleasant non-struggling gets real boring, real quick. This tactic also cuts out the wiggling, squirming, because they are deciding to get dressed themselves. As for times when you need to be out of the house at a certain time, i would a) make sure you're giving her enough time to awake, etc. . This does get a bit trickier, because they know you're under the gun, which is why she canot be moved when she knows you're trying to get out of the house. You just have to have a more business-like demeanor: " This IS what we're doing right now. " If there's wiggling, squirming, here's a trick I use that I also observed my friend's son's Behavior Analysis therapists use with him when he tantrums (he's autistic): you sort of play dead while the wiggling's going on. What they're really looking for here is a)to waste time, and b) avoidance, and/or c) to keep engaging you. You look the other way, take your hands off of them, wait for them to calm. Totally disengage yourself. When they're calm,then you keep right on doing whatever it was that you needed them to do in the first place. If necessary, repeat. Like I said, it gets boring to struggle against someone who isn't struggling against you. Much easier just to do what they want and get on with the day. Make sure you heap lots of praise when the task is accomplished. So you're getting the task done, but you're also removing all negative reinforcement (by playing dead) and replacing it with positive, once the task is done. Who doesn't like positive reinforcement instead of negative? And believe me, if it works for a tantruming autistic kid, with who knows what kind of little nervous system glitches, it'll work for a typical kid. Although it's not a miracle of course. Consistency, as with all things, is key. Sorry I'm so long winded here. One more thing. The abc song works wonders. My kids HATE (and there is not a font size big enough to express how much) to have their hair washed. i sing the abc song while I'm doing it and they usually sing, too, and it distracts them. Or, at the very least, they have a finite point to look forward to when they know it will be over. That's the key- you have to make sure whatever you're doing will be done by the time you get to the end of the song. The good news is you can speed it up/slow it down as necessary. hope something here helps. know that we ALL have parenting struggles. forget the peace corps; being a mom is the toughest job you'll ever love! jenni ____________ _________ _________ __ Cassie Dixon <roxy87cabriolet@ > @gro ups.com Monday, November 24, 2008 11:27:56 AM Re: Re: Picky child Kim, Quite a few times she says, " just me, mommy " while getting dressed, taking medicine, cleaning her room, etc... I love when she says it, proving her independence. Many times it just takes distraction to get things done. I have been really rushed, too, and if she feels rushed, there is no moving that child! LOL Sunday it took about 3 hours to get her completely dressed, but there was no fuss. I need a magic trick. I will only use it in dire emergencies, but I need an instant " stop crying " trick, other than giving in. Being a working mom, single 5 days a week, I can't take the fussing. Thanks for the support. Cassie --- On Sat, 11/22/08, kimguest1 <kimguest1 > wrote: kimguest1 <kimguest1 > Re: Picky child @gro ups.com Saturday, November 22, 2008, 1:10 PM We have soooo been there. My daughter was about 1.5 and getting dressed and out the door was always a big battle. I mean screaming and just beeing impossible to clothe.(arms and legs kicking, and wiggling).Every time! I tried saying that if she doesn't get dressed, we can't go out. Which totaly didn't work cause she was happy to keep playing at home....which in turn made me more upset because i wanted/needed to go out. She too, would not be happy with the clothes i let her choose between, or even if i let her pick something out herselfe. So i figured that it never was really about the clothes, but that she probably had a hard time adjusting from one situation to the next. Now at 2.5 she wants to dress herselfe, we started with shoes, and with help, showing her whats back and front and so on, she can pretty much do it herselfe. Maybe your daughter too wouldn't care about whats put on if she can be apart of doing it? @gro ups.com, Cassie Dixon <roxy87cabriolet@ ...> wrote: > > My husband and I spent almost 10 min wrestling our daughter into pants and a long sleeved shirt. 5 min later she is still screeching and begging us to take it off. Poor thing is soo very tired of screaming, her voice is hoarse, yet she can't get past having longer clothes on. We live in Fl, so we can get by with tanks and shorts, but this cold front of a whopping 50 is keeping us in the house to avoid meltdowns. Now, she is 2.5, so I know I should be expecting this, but, do I let her cry herself to sleep over clothing? Do I give in and try again. Sometimes there are real crocodile tears, but other times she is just excersizing her independence. We gave her 2 choices, then we chose. She didnt want our outfit, but didnt want anything else reasonable either. > Help! > > Cassie > " life's a garden, dig it! " > > Sent from my iPhone > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.