the tyranny of the shoulds

[Guest guest]

Some Food For Thought

 

To - Mr. Moderator - the word " should " is appearing often in aapn -

usually in a totally useless phrase - such as the recent classic " But

this eye for an eye mentality is intolerable for any intelligent being,

and that behavior is only found within the human species - AND SHOULD

BE STOPPED IMMEDIATELY. "

 

When a post does appear on appn containing any number of " shoulds " it

is either going to be replied to sharply - or it is simply going to be

ignored.

 

To - Jigs - This is not a personal attack on you Jigs - you are not the

only " should culprit " - there have been several such postings in recent

months.

 

Merritt does not have a " defeatist attitude " Jig's - for sure he in a

person who does not mince his words. Think of his replies as " tough

love " - Merritt is giving you good ammunition - some of which you can

perhaps use whenever you want to do practical AR work.

 

Let us keep aapn for hard news / hard information / practical comment &

suggestions on ways to reduce the suffering of animals.

 

Leave the word " should " well alone - let it be used exclusively by the

politicians / people pleasers / scammers!

 

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http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/horney.html

<http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/horney.html>

 

Excerpt -

 

Self theory

 

Horney had one more way of looking at neurosis -- in terms of self

images. For Horney, the self is the core of your being, your potential.

If you were healthy, you would have an accurate conception of who you

are, and you would then be free to realize that potential

(self-realization).

 

The neurotic has a different view of things. The neurotics self is

" split " into a despised self and an ideal self. Other theorists

postulate a " looking-glass " self, the you you think others see. If you

look around and see (accurately or not) others despising you, then you

take that inside you as what you assume is the real you. On the other

hand, if you are lacking in some way, that implies there are certain

ideals you should be living up to. You create an ideal self out of these

" shoulds. " Understand that the ideal self is not a positive goal; it is

unrealistic and ultimately impossible. So the neurotic swings back and

forth between hating themselves and pretending to be perfect.

 

 

 

Horney described this stretching between the despised and ideal selves

as " the tyranny of the shoulds " and neurotic " striving for glory: "

The compliant person believes " I should be sweet, self-sacrificing,

saintly. "

The aggressive person says " I should be powerful, recognized, a winner. "

The withdrawing person believes " I should be independent, aloof,

perfect. "

And while vacillating between these two impossible selves, the neurotic

is alienated from their true core and prevented from actualizing their

potentials.

 

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http://www.quest.msu.edu/anxiety/Blame.htm

<http://www.quest.msu.edu/anxiety/Blame.htm>

 

Excerpt -

 

Should is a disabling word. This is so because of the unrealistic

mannner in which the word is used. When should is used several things

occur. We (or others) tend to feel bad because of the associated guilt

and bad feelings. We don't do a particular task because something

magical " should " happen that will result in the task being accomplished.

We loose our sense of power and control related to the event, largely,

because we stop making choices related to the event or task (if the

garbage should be outside and it's not, the should framework will enable

us to wait around until someone takes it out rather than our assessing

our piorities and making a choice about the activities in which we

involve ourselves).

 

To enable yourself:

 

+

Refrain from using the word " should. "

 

 

+

When you use the word (and experience a twinge of guilt) ask yourself if

you can substitute the words: are, am, will be, etc

 

 

+

When you're saying something should or should not happen, stop yourself

and ask whether you want the event to happen or not happen.

 

 

+

Beware of others who " should " you. Before you respond, ask yourself if

you really want to do what they are " shoulding " and make an active

choice

 

 

+ When talking with others, avoid " shoulds. " Explain what you want and

ask their cooperation.