Keep communication open with opinionated vegan daughters

November 12, 2008

Ellie Tesher, For The Calgary HeraldPublished: Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Q: My three grown daughters all became vegans in their mid-teens. They're also animal-rights activists -- I think they're fanatics, refusing to celebrate Thanksgiving with us, with a "dead bird" (turkey) in our home, though I've prepared a tofu turkey for them.

My husband and I try to accommodate their diet and are sensitive to their activities, but they're increasingly rude and ugly, condemning everything we eat, and that we kill flies and earwigs in our home. One daughter has gone into debt having her aged, pet rats treated for acute illnesses. They make time each week to feed feral cats, but cannot drop into their grandfather's nearby nursing home, or visit other elderly relatives.

They're aware of exhibiting rising hostility to us and our family, but it doesn't bother them. How do I remain civil as I'm disliking them?

-- Strange or Estranged?

A: The positive note is that you've raised strongly opinioned women. It's a trait that likely emanated somewhere from within your family -- and may be butting against contrary opinions.

Ask them why they're distancing from you. Tell them that family members can have different beliefs and still love and respect each other. (If, instead, you secretly hope that they'll one day abandon their tastes and causes, they resent your disapproval).

I strongly recommend that you invite your daughters to help you all achieve mutual respect through going together to family counselling. It may have to mean a separate tofu night for them, and showing more interest in their lifestyle, without comment. However, if you and they can't ultimately agree to disagree, tolerate them at a distance, but keep the communication open.

Q: My two teenagers dislike my long-distance boyfriend of six years. He's pushing to move into my house, without making financial commitments. My inner radar's reluctant.

When my son didn't show gratitude for the gift of a T-shirt, he took it back; he's done this before. My boyfriend may be trying to teach my son a lesson but was over-stepping his boundaries.

-- Unsure

A: Your kids' and your own instincts are screaming for a re-examination of this relationship. Ask how he thought you'd share living expenses, plus mortgage and insurance costs. Then look at the evidence so far -- did he stay with you "free," or treat you and the kids to dinners and buy groceries? Did he try to get to know the kids beyond the occasional lesson? Your children should exhibit better manners . . . but you'll have more time for teaching them, if you conclude that this guy's no longer welcome into your family.

E-mail ellie. See ellieadvice.com.

Peter vv