K-Addictions

[Guest guest]

I do not know how to express my appreciation for the heartfelt and

compassionate responses to my post, except to say that I love you all. Yes,

this is

my " church " where I belong, as well. Many of those people from my dark period

of confusion have fallen away from my life, mostly because they and marriage

don't go together very well, and the pain from that adjustment has been

immense. But their absence has made room for all of you to come into my heart

and into my life, where I am beginning to see the wonderous ways that this

difficult transition has replaced that dark and ugly void with the love of

people

such as yourselves. And how I have made new friendships that better serve

my higher purpose, and for that I am most thankful.

 

Sam - what you said about the concept of worthiness as being born of

the " ego characteristic of comparison " strikes me as being such a divine truth,

(as many of the things that you say affect me that way,) and your words

brought me much-needed comfort. You are so correct - it does depend on the

perspective from which it is being compared. Thank you so much for bringing

that

truth back into my awareness.

 

And Lisa - I share your sufferings of a conscience that feels more like

a self-destructive force than the guidance system that we were taught to

believe it to be. And I am also (at least) the third person on this forum who

has been down the miserable road of STD's, which is something I did not think

I would ever admit on a forum, but want you to know that you are not alone.

I think it is much more common than people realize, and I have seen how it

has kept people together who should not have been together, broken people up

who perhaps could have stayed together, and caused grief in relationships

beyond belief. And I have lived the stigma attached and the self-destructive

beliefs that can cause one to turn inward on one's self. But one thing I have

learned, what they don't tell you when " they " are trying to scare the hell out

of everyone about it, is that the body does indeed build up a physical

immunity that makes the physical misery disappear long, long before the

emotional

scars are healed. It is not the eternal stamp of hopelessness that people try

to make it out to be. I know this to be a fact, as I am sure that you have

found that out by now, as well.

 

And - your kind, kind, heartfelt words touched me at the deepest

level of my heart and brought tears to my eyes. Yes, I can see how

unworthiness is a distinction, or excuse perhaps, to go at my own speed. I

definitely would not be the person that I am today if not for the so-called

" mistakes "

of the past. Maybe one day the regrets of the past will be replaced by a

global, all-encompassing understanding of the blessings that came out of it

all. I can see that view being revealed to me, one small, tiny glimpse at a

time.

 

And yes, many of the effects that occurred, I have come to believe,

were not my decisions to make. There were times when I felt as though I

completely lost myself and fell under (what sometimes felt like) some sort of a

spell, as if there was a spiritual reason behind it, and I was merely playing

my

part. And the guilt is very much teaching me through the example of

misfortune, and I can see how it certainly has " done its job " and moved me into

balance in many ways. I know intellectually that I need to release it. I just

need to " feel " that release, some way, somehow. But your words have helped me

to truly begin that healing process.

 

- I love what you say about how the joys and beauties are

equally worthy of my attention and are also teaching a valuable lesson. Yes,

taking some time to learn the more sublime aspects of life and how they can

balance me sounds like a wonderful task to take on. I thank you for the

welcomed

agenda! I have actually been seeking out enlightenment all of my life, but

" gave it up " for awhile, because the efforts seemed fruitless, which led me

directly into the darkness. Almost as if I subconsciously (and temporarily)

" sold my soul to the devil, " as a way of seeking relief from what seemed to be

" fruitless attempts to know God " that seemed to bring me more tests and

hardships than reward. I mean that expression " sold my soul to the devil "

symbolically, of course. It was certainly not a conscious intention. And by

" devil, " what I mean is " darkness. " But the phrase does kind of express my

desperation and feelings of abandonment from this " God " that I was crying out

to at

the time. The one who never seemed to hear me, in this world where

" everything was unfair to me " that I had somehow, in ignorance, perceived and

created

for myself.

 

I think now that this " God " (light) was there all the time, showing me

many blessings; I just chose not to focus on them. Now, I know better. The

darkness seems to have such a strong hold on our attention at times, because

we get so caught up in the " worry " and " grief " about it. Like a quantum loop

that we cannot seem to escape. One thing I have learned is that no matter

how dark things become, there is always, ALWAYS, something to appreciate.

Just like the lady in that Robin Williams movie, " When Dreams May Come, " there

is a way out. We just have to see it. We just have to remember. We have to

find the strength to move our focus from the temporary illusions to the

eternal blessings. We have to step back and broaden our perspective and see

things for how they really are, rather than our negative, narrow, very tiny (in

the scheme of things) self-created " loops " of darkness.

 

And Electra - you are such an inspiration to me! I love and respect you as

well. You always have the sweetest, most compassionate way of reaching out

to others that I very much value to have come into my life.

 

And John - I do agree with what you say about actions definitely having

its related effects. I do not think so much that thoughts have that

creative factor, as much as it seems to me that intentions, felt with emotion,

do.

But, as says, those malicious intentions were probably not the

" reason " for such misfortunes, as these people had their own lessons to learn

or

they would not have " allowed " such a thing into their experience. But I

wonder,

did those intentions " feed the fire? " Perhaps not even at a conscious

level, but in the great scheme of things - could there be an unconscious,

co-created plan?

 

Thank you all so much for this healing, enlightening, comforting

conversation. And I too, would like to welcome all of the wonderful new

members

who have been attracted here.

 

Deb