K-Addictions

[Guest guest]

Chrism - I just wanted to thank you for all the great posts lately, I have

had so many thoughts, but could not get caught up long enough to reply until

now. One thing - after I started doing the 5 Tibetans again, I started

feeling the energy kicking up very quickly. Yesterday after doing them, my

left

heel vibrated for about 2 hours! Then last night when falling asleep, I

started having the whole body vibrations again and I thought, " Oh no, I just

don't

know if I'm sane enough to handle this! " Sometimes I wonder if I don't just

have too much anxiety to be " ready " for a full awakening yet.

 

But then I read about your awakening and there were so many things in

there that I could relate to. I really appreciate you sharing that, because

it made me feel so less alone. When you shared your experience with your

ex-girlfriend and the boyfriend who died, I can think of a few times when

things

similar happened to me. I'll give a couple of examples. When I was married

to my ex, he had two teenage daughters who lived with us. The oldest one

gave me a really hard time. I remember thinking that I hoped that one day when

she had children of her own, she would understand the misery that she caused

me. In other words, I wished bad on her out of anger. Five years after her

dad and I divorced, her little boy drowned on his fourth birthday. I was

devastated. All I could think about was how I knew I had wished misery on her

when she had children of her own, although the details were far worse than

anything I could have ever imagined. And I spent many, many hours on the phone

with her, as she poured out her agony, which only intensified my guilt and

proved to me that people really do change.

 

Another time, I was observing one of my co-workers being really strict

and unreasonable with his sons. I remember thinking, " You should not be so

hard on those boys. Those kids should not be taken for granted. You never

know what could happen. " (In other words, I was passing judgment on him.) The

next year, his eldest was killed in a car wreck. And then there were the

local places around here that caused me a great deal of conflict and I remember

wishing that those " places " did not exist. Katrina took care of that and

then they were gone.

 

So, I began to recognize and become terrified of the power of my own

thoughts and especially, intentions. I often wondered, " Did my ill-intentions

make these things happen? " My husband would tell me that I would be

absolutely insane to give myself that much credit or think that I could have

that

much power. But, I definitely don't think that I have powers that other people

don't. I DO think that we all have creative powers based on our intentions,

and I just happen to notice the connections, which have been known to horrify

me.

 

Also, your posts by that lady (I forget her name) really hit home with

me. Especially the paragraph about the alcoholics who began to experience a

K-awakening and then wondered " why me? " And felt unworthy. My story is that

I spent the first 40 years of my life trying to be a good person, the good

wife, the good mother, the good daughter, the good employee, etc. And it felt

like I was constantly being tested. Like the " bad guys " always had it good

and the good guys always finished last. Married to a (sober) alcoholic

(turned drug-addicted) man who screamed and yelled at me for ten years, and

then

marrying another one who had an out-of-control gambling addiction, to the tune

of over a hundred thousand dollars in less than five years. I turned 40 and

lost my mind. I got angry. I decided that it didn't do any good to try to

be a good person and I didn't care anymore. I separated from my husband,

started drinking a lot and hanging around some wild people, who I believe now

were karmic soulmates that taught me some most-valuable lessons and totally

rearranged my life, and I, theirs. And I harbor no hard feelings. But I did

get myself into some vulnerable situations and seriously lost my mind and made

a lot of mistakes. After about a year of destructive lifestyle, some things

happened that frightened me so bad that I agreed to work things out with my

husband, who has not gambled since. (Almost two years.)

 

By giving up the " good person " and delving into the " couldn't care

less " stage, I was able to truly forgive every single person who had ever

" hurt "

me, because I was so ashamed of the times I hurt others. And I was able to

let go completely of all " judgment " towards others, because I wasn't so

perfect, myself. I was able to truly forgive my husband. But the one person

that

I still struggle with on forgiveness is myself. And still learning how to

stop dwelling on the traumas and the tragedies of the past long enough to put

my focus on the things to be grateful for.

 

And now, for some strange reason, my luck is turning around and I am

the one who is having the good luck, and many of those people who hurt me long

ago are having terrible luck. And instead of being glad at my good fortune,

I often feel less-than-deserving. And it doesn't make me feel good that bad

things are happening to others now. It just makes it more difficult for me

to enjoy the good things that are happening to me. It kind of takes the fun

out of it. I wonder, " Why now? " Why are things better for me now? When so

many people I care about are having such a hard time.

 

So I think that one thing that I have learned is that whenever I

" thought " I was being such a " good person " all those years before, but

continued to

have bad luck, I realize now how judgmental and unforgiving that I really

was, and maybe that was the reason. Now that I am not-so-great myself, I can

see how I let go of all of those grudges, and now when I try to be a " good

person " again, I do it differently. This time I do it without a grudge. This

time I do it without resentment. This time I do it because I really mean it,

not because I feel obligated to put on a masked persona. I had to become a

" bad person " in my own eyes to find out what it was like to really become a

more forgiving, less judgmental person.

 

And in the midst of all of that turmoil, Katrina made me homeless,

another experience that I now understand, which has taught me so much about

patience and appreciation. Not long before that, these strange k-symptoms

began.

Very vivid dreams which I thought of at the time as " hallucinogenic dreams "

because they felt so real, like I was really there. And the precognitive

dreams, things started coming true. And the warning dreams that frightened me

into getting " back on track. " And the vibrations, which I thought was

alcohol poisoning at first, then realized they were happening when I had not

been

drinking. I have thought that I was having a nervous breakdown, but listening

to others on this forum calms me down considerably.

 

But the aftershocks of this deep period of confusion still haunt me.

The guilt still haunts me. The panic still visits me. And the dreams won't

let me forget. Now I wonder if others are judging me the way I used to judge

others. I am humbled, but wonder will I ever feel worthy. Worthy of the

beautiful home we are building. Worthy of a husband who is willing to try

again. Worthy of a k-awakening. And I wonder if I will ever not be so

frightened

of the energy.

 

Anyway, these are just some things I have been thinking about after

reading your posts. Would be interested to hear your thoughts on this.

 

Deb