A Closure! My forgiveness!

[Guest guest]

Gosh Deb, in reading your post I felt as if I wanted to cry, you

brought tears to my eyes. I just want you to know that you have a

way of lighting up the room with love, compassion, and joy! I know

sometimes it may not seem like it, but you do! Thank you and I want

you to know that I am with you in heart and spirit and love. You are

a truly wonderful and blessed person. This is long, but I need to

post this as part of my forgiveness process.

 

I can relate to some of the things that you spoke about. One of my

younger sisters has a STD and both her and her twin sister have

always felt that they have been punished for some reason which put

resentment in their life. My older sister, even though she tries not

to, sort of separates herself from the rest of us.

 

My mother died about 16 years ago at the age of 47, and when she

left it was like letting go of the past problems and gaining new

ones, or holding on to the old and picking up new ones, I am not

sure which. I feel at some point we are all holding or held

resentment for the way we grew up and not being able to have

closure. All three of my sisters and I had trouble dealing with her

passing. All three of my sisters ended up going to psychiatrists for

years, off and on, and still had, have problems, yet I was too

embarrassed so I denied the pain from when she was alive and then

denied the pain from her death.

 

She tried to be a loving mother, but failed so many times because

she couldn't let go of the pain from her own past and so in not

letting go she carried it over in her mothering. She loved us and I

know she did, but there were many times where I know it was a matter

of question.

 

My sisters and I physically saw her pain when she would fight with

her sister and the way she was treated by her dad. Both of them

blamed her for the death of my grandmother, but the real truth was

that my grandmother, her mother, died because of a mistake a doctor

made with medication. My aunt and my grandfather couldn't see that

for some reason and they had to be able to blame someone so they

blamed her. They had always treated her so different while she was

growing up and when my grandmother died it was no different. I can't

say what type of life she had with her mom because I don't ever

remember her talking about her that much. What my mom went through

growing up caused a lot of hard times in my sisters and my growing

up! Anyway, my sisters all suppressed the past by taking anti-

depressants, I just simply buried it! Sometimes my sisters would

speak about it when they got so upset and then it would be to people

they didn't even know and that embarrassed me, and I always wondered

how they could tell people about our past, how could they divulge a

family secret like that and let others know that our mom wasn't like

other moms, a PERFECT MOTHER! I still don't talk about it, until now

that is, I have forgiven her and I understand her pain.

 

My dad was no better and was just as guilty, as she was because they

made each other VERY, VERY, VERY UNHAPPY, and that unhappiness had

lead to my sisters and my unhappiness. I have managed to forgive my

dad as well and have moved on with my life, but the one thing I

found that made me feel I was unworthy of having a happy life is my

promise I gave my mom when she was sick and dieing, I promised I

would be their when she passed and I wasn't. I was off in another

state living my life with my husband. The night she died I had gone

out for the first time with a friend of mine since my mom had been

diagnosed with cancer and I wasn't there when my dad called to tell

me my mom wouldn't be on earth much longer and my being gone

postponed our leaving to go home to be with her.

 

I lived with that up until I met all of you and received the list of

Safeties from Chris. The writings made me take a look back, analyze,

and start healing. I began to realize that I didn't know that she

was going to pass so there was no way to be prepared and be there

when she took her last breath as she said her good byes. To tell her

how much I loved her no matter what transpired during my childhood.

We had talked quite a bit with each other while we lay in her bed

because she was too weak to move and we started our healing, her

from her past and her actions towards my sisters and me, and me from

her actions, but didn't get to fulfill the healing process because

she died before we could. Looking back, many of the things were left

over from her childhood, and sometimes I wonder if she hadn't been

stuck there, while her body grew up, trying everything she could to

be the person she thought my grandfather and aunt wanted her to be.

She always referred to herself as the " Black sheep " of the family!

She truly was treated that way, even my Grandfather admitted to it

after my mom's death and it really bothered him, and I think his

guilt and her death was in the end the cause of his own death.

Having to deal with that and being embarrassed for a life gone wrong

was something very hard to deal with. I don't talk about it much

because my kids never got to meet her and I don't want that weighing

on their loving her for who she truly was inside trying to find that

way out! I don't hold it against her! I love her from the bottom of

my heart! I only wish I could tell her that in person. I know that

she was forgiven and she went off to Heaven because my dad and

sisters said that right before she passed away, she reached out and

grabbed what look like to them someone's hand, starting smiling a

very warm and peaceful smile, starting breathing normally again, and

then lay back and went home to be with her Heavenly Father and

Mother. When my kids came along I through myself into their lives

trying diligently not to pass on the treatments we endured as kids.

It was hard and still is, but I try to remain focused on the now,

not the past. My kids are my life and will always be as such, they

make me laugh they make me cry (good cries). I hate seeing them grow

up, but I know I have done a Great job and most importantly, I

didn't pass on that nasty little trait that some times seems to

follow those so innocent. God be with them all. So that is my story,

and my past, and my thanks to all of you for helping me deal with

something I have tried so many years to put behind me. I feel that I

have to write this to finalize my forgiveness and move on. Thank you

gang for believing in each one of us!

 

Much Love and Peace for All Eternity,

Katherine

[Guest guest]

Bless you katherine,

I feel honoured to have shared in your past

experiences,

And as for " perfect " Moms, I've never met one.....

Most families I know are dysfunctional in some

respects, well, maybe they are perfect in their

dysfunction?

It's up to us now to finally remember what divine

family is all about and to live in unconditional

states of love for one another.

Bring it on......

 

Much love Elektra x x x

 

--- Katherine <katsam19 wrote:

 

> Gosh Deb, in reading your post I felt as if I wanted

> to cry, you

> brought tears to my eyes. I just want you to know

> that you have a

> way of lighting up the room with love, compassion,

> and joy!

 

 

 

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