A Closure! My forgiveness! - Katherine

September 20, 2006

Katherine - thank you so much for your very kind words to me and

for sharing your story. My parents also had so very many

dysfunctional traits which affected me greatly. Although I have

truly forgiven them and understand them now, I do still battle the

emotional after-effects to this day. My mother came from a very

strict, fundamentalist Catholic background, and instilled the " not

worthy, " fear of " eternal damnation " core " guilt " beliefs in me. At

the same time, she endured many tragedies in her life, which also

instilled the " this is a terrible world " belief into me. My father

was much mistreated himself as a child, and grew into a very tough,

strict, controlling, fighting alcoholic. This left me being a very

hypersensitive, fearful individual - fear of unforgiveness, fear of

physical harm, who attracted many tragic events myself, and many

rocky, unstable, conditional and addictive relationships, without a

very good model of how a loving relationship really should be.

Yet, both of my parents have extremely strong and admirable

traits as well. And so I try to incorporate those traits, instead.

And I am slowly, but surely, learning to change and broaden my world

view.

As for the STD, the guy who gave it to me was someone I got

involved with after my 2nd divorce, after going through a very deep

depression. The doctor pretty much made me feel as though I was

damned for life and could never have a normal relationship again, and

actually " fussed " at me. When I told the guy who gave it to me that

this had happened, I never heard from him again. The doctor happened

to be the step-father of a very good friend of mine, and my friend

has since then convinced me that his intentions were good and that he

only reacted that way because he cared about me. Although, it didn't

feel that way at the time. And the guy who gave it to me was another

fighting alcoholic who was definitely not the right person for me

anyway. And I forgave him for his disappearance long ago. I

actually felt sorry for him, because I believe that it frightened him

a great deal. But I can testify that it is NOT a life sentence, and

it is possible to have a normal, symptom-free life.

As far as the Catholic thing goes, I remember after my first

divorce going to a priest for confession, and he told me that because

I got divorced, that he could not ever grant me " absolution. " In

other words, " forgiveness. " This only added to my feelings of

unworthiness and " unforgivableness. " But, it put me on the path of

exploring many other belief systems, and like you, part of my healing

was to make some of these " confessions " here, and the compassion,

understanding and forgiveness received here has brought me much

mental and emotional relief. So, I do understand the concept

of " confession " because it does " free " a person from mental and

emotional anguish. And I see it as being symbolic only for that

purpose now, and not a " necessity " to avoid " eternal damnation. " But

rather, a symbolic necessity to free a person from confining

themselves to their own, self-created hell.

But anyway - I do understand the " sins of the father " concept

being passed down through generations. Not intentionally, but

instead, through ignorant means of default. So, I very much

understand your pain over this, and am glad that we can all feel safe

here, and help each other sort these things out and heal.

And - enough confessions for me! I feel better now! So, maybe

it is time to " go forth and be peaceful to love and serve the

world. "

I love you all, even though it is impossible to respond to

everyone. And cannot thank you all enough for being such an

important part of my healing process. And you, Katherine, are a very

blessed addition to this group and your kindness is very much

appreciated.

Deb

September 20, 2006

Deb, I feel better too and I am using the GREAT moments I did have as a child

and teenager as my reflection for joy. It wasn't always bad, there were good

times! NO beatings, although I wish they would have been they might not have

hurt as long! But the past is the past I did learn some valuble things from both

my mom and my dad. Anyway, lets have a wonderful future. Okay, so you feel

better, I feel better! Let's enjoy life and what it has in store for us!

Much Love and Peace,

Katherine

Deb <Deb111222 wrote: