My confession

[Guest guest]

I feel like I wish to make a confession, the worst

thing I've ever done in my life and will ever do.

 

I have never told this story in full before and feel

it is time.

I have told my husband to some extent but he just

thinks I'm cute and laughs at me for worrying so

much.... I don't think even he really understands to

the extent I lived this reality ever day for many

years, silently and in pain.

 

When I met my husband I secretly believed I had been

infected by the HIV virus. I was too afraid and young

to deal with it, I told no one, I was in denial.

I lived three years secretly beliveing I had this

illness and that I was dying.

I was living with my hubby when I fell in love with

him. I had a vision that told me it was my destiny to

be with him and also that told me we would both be

fine health wise.

I always discounted these visions of health and hung

on to the fear I was dying.

I couldn't bring myself to tell him, and when we

decided to take the condom off and begin life as a

full couple we went to have tests done. He had a full

health screen, I lied and said I had. He trusted me

completely, I lied. I was too afraid to have the HIV

test done still.

I had my chance I blew it.

Instead, I let him take off the condom and make love

to me without it, fully believing I had a disease.

I had murdered him in my mind.

I lived many years, every day crying inside, torturing

myself, yet still having this inner voice telling me

to keep going, keep moving forward.

I shut down my sexuality as I felt like a deceitful

weapon.

I didn't want him to touch me.

 

I thought I would just kill myself so I wouldn't have

to face what I thought I had done.

 

I was a muderer and a liar.

 

It was only years later that I managed to bring myself

to have the test done and confess everything to Hubby.

I told him I had lied about taking the test, and told

him that I had believed myself to be HIV positive all

those years, he just laughed at me, and comforted me

as if it was nothing.

I said to him, yeah, it's nothing but imagine if I had

been right and I had of had it, I would have killed

you, he told me, well that didn't happen did it, and

if it had I would have dealt with it.

 

There you have it, I'm still working on forgiving

myself for that.

 

That is my darkest secret , I surrender it now for all

to see.

 

Love Elektra x x x

 

 

 

_________

The all-new Mail goes wherever you go - free your email address from your

Internet provider. http://uk.docs./nowyoucan.html

[Guest guest]

It can no longer be an impediment for you then. It is surrendered and

you are balanced with this issue. Believe it and live with this

balance. It has been earned. - blessings Elektra - chrism

[Guest guest]

My dearest Elektra,

If it was me in his place, I would have said

the same thing to you.

I would have meant it, also.

I would have chosen to take that step further- knowing my fate..

just be be fully one with the one I love. Fear is a powerful thing.

It can make you say and do things you never thought you'd say and do.

Then again, it can make you stand still...frozen, and do nothing at all.

I had been scared of being HIV positive at one point in my life.

I went through every day thinking I was doomed.

The only one who knows about the testing is my mom. I was just a scared kid when

it happened. I was only 17. I went for testing and held my breath..in tears,

waiting for the results. I read the bible and prayed, hoping God would fix me. I

turned out fine, but until this day, I have kept it a secret from everyone but

my mom. Even she thinks she knows why, but she doesn't know the whole truth. I

can't upset her by telling her. It will break her heart, and she will cry and

cry. She will never look at me the same way again, and she will tell all of my

siblings, and ask them not to let on that they know. I can't live like that. One

day years ago, I think I remember him telling me that there was some sort of mix

up with needles at a doctors office, and even though he was cleared, he wouldn't

make love to me without a condom, because he wanted to be sure first.

I remember forgetting about my problems and my fears and telling him that I

didn't want anyone but him, and if he was sick I still wanted to be with him.

I told him I would take all of my chances on him, forgetting about what I

myself was doing. Forgetting what I was withholding. We didn't have sex without

a condom, and never had- but I felt wretched for leading him to want to be with

me forever, when I knew I could be sick. I never gave him a choice. He didn't

tell me right away, but he told me. I never said anything. If you feel wretched,

don't. I am the wretched one. I am the dirty and ugly and disgusting one. Never

you. I had completely forgotten about all of that until now. I don't know if

that means I have peace, or if it means I am no good for not having any emotions

over it. I guess my point - coming from someone who's been there is- had he

known, he would have told you that he wanted you anyway.

Fear is crippling..it is one of the worst things out there.

It can destroy a person. It can ruin an otherwise peaceful life.

He holds no grudges against you. He still loves you. Forgive yourself.

Forgive and love yourself, and know that you are releasing this burden and you

are healing.

With more and more love,

Tara

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Elektra Fire <elektra.fire wrote:

I feel like I wish to make a confession, the

worst

thing I've ever done in my life and will ever do.

 

I have never told this story in full before and feel

it is time.

I have told my husband to some extent but he just

thinks I'm cute and laughs at me for worrying so

much.... I don't think even he really understands to

the extent I lived this reality ever day for many

years, silently and in pain.

 

When I met my husband I secretly believed I had been

infected by the HIV virus. I was too afraid and young

to deal with it, I told no one, I was in denial.

I lived three years secretly beliveing I had this

illness and that I was dying.

I was living with my hubby when I fell in love with

him. I had a vision that told me it was my destiny to

be with him and also that told me we would both be

fine health wise.

I always discounted these visions of health and hung

on to the fear I was dying.

I couldn't bring myself to tell him, and when we

decided to take the condom off and begin life as a

full couple we went to have tests done. He had a full

health screen, I lied and said I had. He trusted me

completely, I lied. I was too afraid to have the HIV

test done still.

I had my chance I blew it.

Instead, I let him take off the condom and make love

to me without it, fully believing I had a disease.

I had murdered him in my mind.

I lived many years, every day crying inside, torturing

myself, yet still having this inner voice telling me

to keep going, keep moving forward.

I shut down my sexuality as I felt like a deceitful

weapon.

I didn't want him to touch me.

 

I thought I would just kill myself so I wouldn't have

to face what I thought I had done.

 

I was a muderer and a liar.

 

It was only years later that I managed to bring myself

to have the test done and confess everything to Hubby.

I told him I had lied about taking the test, and told

him that I had believed myself to be HIV positive all

those years, he just laughed at me, and comforted me

as if it was nothing.

I said to him, yeah, it's nothing but imagine if I had

been right and I had of had it, I would have killed

you, he told me, well that didn't happen did it, and

if it had I would have dealt with it.

 

There you have it, I'm still working on forgiving

myself for that.

 

That is my darkest secret , I surrender it now for all

to see.

 

Love Elektra x x x

 

 

________

The all-new Mail goes wherever you go - free your email address from

your Internet provider. http://uk.docs./nowyoucan.html

 

 

 

 

Boardwalk for $500? In 2007? Ha!

Play Monopoly Here and Now (it's updated for today's economy) at Games.

 

[Guest guest]

Thank you for surrendering one of your darkest secrets. No, your not

a bad person Elektra, and this is a step closer to your real self. I respect

your courage and while your at it, surrender the guilt you have for

yourself.

love Lisa

 

Elektra Fire wrote:

>

> I feel like I wish to make a confession, the worst

> thing I've ever done in my life and will ever do.

>

> I have never told this story in full before and feel

> it is time.

> I have told my husband to some extent but he just

> thinks I'm cute and laughs at me for worrying so

> much.... I don't think even he really understands to

> the extent I lived this reality ever day for many

> years, silently and in pain.

>

> When I met my husband I secretly believed I had been

> infected by the HIV virus. I was too afraid and young

> to deal with it, I told no one, I was in denial.

> I lived three years secretly beliveing I had this

> illness and that I was dying.

> I was living with my hubby when I fell in love with

> him. I had a vision that told me it was my destiny to

> be with him and also that told me we would both be

> fine health wise.

> I always discounted these visions of health and hung

> on to the fear I was dying.

> I couldn't bring myself to tell him, and when we

> decided to take the condom off and begin life as a

> full couple we went to have tests done. He had a full

> health screen, I lied and said I had. He trusted me

> completely, I lied. I was too afraid to have the HIV

> test done still.

> I had my chance I blew it.

> Instead, I let him take off the condom and make love

> to me without it, fully believing I had a disease.

> I had murdered him in my mind.

> I lived many years, every day crying inside, torturing

> myself, yet still having this inner voice telling me

> to keep going, keep moving forward.

> I shut down my sexuality as I felt like a deceitful

> weapon.

> I didn't want him to touch me.

>

> I thought I would just kill myself so I wouldn't have

> to face what I thought I had done.

>

> I was a muderer and a liar.

>

> It was only years later that I managed to bring myself

> to have the test done and confess everything to Hubby.

> I told him I had lied about taking the test, and told

> him that I had believed myself to be HIV positive all

> those years, he just laughed at me, and comforted me

> as if it was nothing.

> I said to him, yeah, it's nothing but imagine if I had

> been right and I had of had it, I would have killed

> you, he told me, well that didn't happen did it, and

> if it had I would have dealt with it.

>

> There you have it, I'm still working on forgiving

> myself for that.

>

> That is my darkest secret , I surrender it now for all

> to see.

>

> Love Elektra x x x

>

>

> ________

> The all-new Mail goes wherever you go - free your email address

> from your Internet provider. http://uk.docs./nowyoucan.html

> <http://uk.docs./nowyoucan.html>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Elektra,

 

You have always been a blazing light in this group and had my deep

admiration. Again I admire you for dealing with this time of

darkness and making it an offering.

 

As we come to light we have the wonderful opportunity to transmute

the hurt and confusion and fear of the past. It is a gift we are

given and also one we give to ourselves.

 

I could so relate to your earlier post about how you have always felt

a stranger in this world and that nothing made sense to you until you

found out about ascension and got on your current path.

 

I've also heard somewhere that more advanced souls or older souls

will often have " death wishes " or a strange fascination with death.

I had a long period of this, even though I've never been suicidal,

during a period I now see was a major time of openness (probably of

third eye and/or crown chakra).

 

Part of me, subconsciously, longed for the context that would make

sense of my life, and these supernormal occurances I was blocking

from memory at the time. Part of me, of course, was longing for

Home. I would get in the car for the drive to and from university

and wonder " what if I died in an accident today? I wouldn't have to

worry about school anymore, etc. "

 

The stresses on my psyche, unbeknownst to my lower consciousness went

far beyond school obligations. I would go into these morbid

thoughts, then try to wake up and snap out of it, as they were scary

and made no sense to me. I was sad and stifled on the lower level

then, a stranger to myself. I think I sensed this self alienation.

 

You also said in that other post that you want to go Home. I get

tired of this life, too. I long for Home. But since facing my true

self and surrendering to this path, as you, I have made peace with my

circumstance and am trying to learn to celebrate it as another part

of Home. I think you have learned how to contextualise your longing

now in a healthy way.

 

I think it understandable in this " death fascination " context that

you would have built up a fear scenario involving self destruction.

(Your husband was not part of that scenario to begin with but sort of

got swept up into it in an unintentioned way.) I have also done

this a few times that I can think of.

 

One was also an HIV scare. I was terrified, but did the mail in test

and my mind was put at ease. I lived 6 months wondering in fear,

though, because it takes that long after exposure to get a good read

(maybe it's differnt nowadays). (I'm sure HIV has put many, many

people into a panicked, fear-stricken and irrational state of mind.)

 

I've also lived for years in a town with two serial killers on the

loose that targeted women. (Both were eventually caught). Now, here

was a fear scenario that every woman in town could get involved in!

 

Fear stories can be alluring to a troubled or insecure mind. I want

to generalise it here and to underscore how this happens to a

mind/spirit that is out of sorts or coming to grips with itself so

that you can examine your own time in this light and perhaps

understand from a compassionate view how insideous it can be and how

very difficult to extricate oneself from. Fear is a lot like a virus

that takes hold of you. Anyone who's been scared by a ghost story

knows its influence, but there are very potent and destabilising

forms which can cause you to think and act irrationally.

 

I read your confession with compassion and wanted to pass this on as

I know forgiveness (including self forgiveness) often arises from

compassion and compassion from understanding. Maybe if you look

within to try to fully understand the whys of it, you can develop the

needed compassion to feel totally free from it.

 

You will be the better judge, but it sounds to me that some

disconnected part of you, in its own way, was trying to create an

eventuality that would lead you Home to a place of wholeness, love

and understanding. You didn't have to become ill to attain this, you

did find another way to find these things - through spiritual quest,

self knowledge and upliftment.

 

Forgiving yourself for your irrational fears and stultification is

one thing, but guilt and shame are also insidious life destroyers and

I hope you are able to release these as they are offshoots of that

initial mindset you came into.

 

Accept the gift your husband has offered and don't write it off as

his misunderstanding the gravity involved or his thinking you are

cute or whatever. Respect his forgiveness and give it full weight,

allow it to influence how you view him and your relationship and what

you may have done in the past out of human weakness. Don't downplay

this very important componenent of your experience. It is a lovely,

redeeming and gracious ending to this trial. Don't pass over the

best bit!

 

You have robbed this secret of its power now, and deflated its

sails. I hope this will make the thing shrink now to the size of

something to be flicked away.

 

I hope sharing my thoughts has not been intrusive or disrespectful.

We don't know each other well (would love to know you better), but I

have certainly benefited from the light and wisdom you bring to this

list and feel I know you a bit because of that.

 

x,

Droxine

[Guest guest]

dear electra... it is done. you've served your time in hell. if you have died to

that old story

you are free to go. perhaps that's what chrism meant about 'deaths' he's

experienced(?)

please forgive yourself now. we have all been fear-stricken, lame idiots at some

point and

(on a positive note) that realization is humbling.

love,

-steve f

 

 

 

 

, Elektra Fire

<elektra.fire

wrote:

>

> I feel like I wish to make a confession, the worst

> thing I've ever done in my life and will ever do.

>

> I have never told this story in full before and feel

> it is time.

> I have told my husband to some extent but he just

> thinks I'm cute and laughs at me for worrying so

> much.... I don't think even he really understands to

> the extent I lived this reality ever day for many

> years, silently and in pain.

>

> When I met my husband I secretly believed I had been

> infected by the HIV virus. I was too afraid and young

> to deal with it, I told no one, I was in denial.

> I lived three years secretly beliveing I had this

> illness and that I was dying.

> I was living with my hubby when I fell in love with

> him. I had a vision that told me it was my destiny to

> be with him and also that told me we would both be

> fine health wise.

> I always discounted these visions of health and hung

> on to the fear I was dying.

> I couldn't bring myself to tell him, and when we

> decided to take the condom off and begin life as a

> full couple we went to have tests done. He had a full

> health screen, I lied and said I had. He trusted me

> completely, I lied. I was too afraid to have the HIV

> test done still.

> I had my chance I blew it.

> Instead, I let him take off the condom and make love

> to me without it, fully believing I had a disease.

> I had murdered him in my mind.

> I lived many years, every day crying inside, torturing

> myself, yet still having this inner voice telling me

> to keep going, keep moving forward.

> I shut down my sexuality as I felt like a deceitful

> weapon.

> I didn't want him to touch me.

>

> I thought I would just kill myself so I wouldn't have

> to face what I thought I had done.

>

> I was a muderer and a liar.

>

> It was only years later that I managed to bring myself

> to have the test done and confess everything to Hubby.

> I told him I had lied about taking the test, and told

> him that I had believed myself to be HIV positive all

> those years, he just laughed at me, and comforted me

> as if it was nothing.

> I said to him, yeah, it's nothing but imagine if I had

> been right and I had of had it, I would have killed

> you, he told me, well that didn't happen did it, and

> if it had I would have dealt with it.

>

> There you have it, I'm still working on forgiving

> myself for that.

>

> That is my darkest secret , I surrender it now for all

> to see.

>

> Love Elektra x x x

>

>

>

> _________

> The all-new Mail goes wherever you go - free your email address from

your

Internet provider. http://uk.docs./nowyoucan.html

>

[Guest guest]

Elektra,

 

Your sexuality has been a blessing and a curse to you most of your

life. I know it started long ago and these things are never really

gotten " rid " of. I believe it is a struggle that you set up for

yourself (in another place/time.) To not have done what you have done

would have been as hard as not breathing.

 

This doesn't excuse it or make it any easier on you, I am sure. If it

was easier, than the lessons that you have worked so hard at setting

up would not be effective. That your husband recognizes his role with

you is not surprising and it's totally amazing. I know that his

complete love for and of you (his goddess) doesn't make the betrayal

any easier for you. It might be easier to take some type of

" punishment " from him, to ease the guilt or distract from the pain.

However, his lovingness allows you to go inward and deal with

yourself. You set him there for you, also.

 

It seems that one of the ways to grow from that place of fear and self

protection is through acknowledging the love and oneness. You know

this for I have watched you grow past many of these blockages. You

make me proud of both your courage to face these painful challenges

and your fierce determination to face your fears. To borrow a trite

quote " You make me a better person knowing you. "

 

BlessU

Sam

 

 

, Elektra Fire

<elektra.fire wrote:

>

> I feel like I wish to make a confession, the worst

> thing I've ever done in my life and will ever do.

>

[Guest guest]

Elektra, perhaps now that this is released you will be able to reach

the place you have desired to with your husband. It was very brave

of you to tell everyone this and I bet it feels good to have it off

your chest!

 

Hugs,

 

Sarita

 

, Elektra Fire

<elektra.fire wrote:

>

> I feel like I wish to make a confession, the worst

> thing I've ever done in my life and will ever do.

>

> I have never told this story in full before and feel

> it is time.

> I have told my husband to some extent but he just

> thinks I'm cute and laughs at me for worrying so

> much.... I don't think even he really understands to

> the extent I lived this reality ever day for many

> years, silently and in pain.

>

> When I met my husband I secretly believed I had been

> infected by the HIV virus. I was too afraid and young

> to deal with it, I told no one, I was in denial.

> I lived three years secretly beliveing I had this

> illness and that I was dying.

> I was living with my hubby when I fell in love with

> him. I had a vision that told me it was my destiny to

> be with him and also that told me we would both be

> fine health wise.

> I always discounted these visions of health and hung

> on to the fear I was dying.

> I couldn't bring myself to tell him, and when we

> decided to take the condom off and begin life as a

> full couple we went to have tests done. He had a full

> health screen, I lied and said I had. He trusted me

> completely, I lied. I was too afraid to have the HIV

> test done still.

> I had my chance I blew it.

> Instead, I let him take off the condom and make love

> to me without it, fully believing I had a disease.

> I had murdered him in my mind.

> I lived many years, every day crying inside, torturing

> myself, yet still having this inner voice telling me

> to keep going, keep moving forward.

> I shut down my sexuality as I felt like a deceitful

> weapon.

> I didn't want him to touch me.

>

> I thought I would just kill myself so I wouldn't have

> to face what I thought I had done.

>

> I was a muderer and a liar.

>

> It was only years later that I managed to bring myself

> to have the test done and confess everything to Hubby.

> I told him I had lied about taking the test, and told

> him that I had believed myself to be HIV positive all

> those years, he just laughed at me, and comforted me

> as if it was nothing.

> I said to him, yeah, it's nothing but imagine if I had

> been right and I had of had it, I would have killed

> you, he told me, well that didn't happen did it, and

> if it had I would have dealt with it.

>

> There you have it, I'm still working on forgiving

> myself for that.

>

> That is my darkest secret , I surrender it now for all

> to see.

>

> Love Elektra x x x

>

>

>

> _________

> The all-new Mail goes wherever you go - free your email

address from your Internet provider.

http://uk.docs./nowyoucan.html

>

[Guest guest]

You brave soul. That is a huge release. I would echo what chrism and

Sarita have said. You have released it and I would hope now it will be

transmuted by the Divine Fire into positive energy again. (Sorry for

the new-age-speak)

 

All I can add to that, Elektra, is I love you, as I think we all do.

Valarie

 

 

, Elektra Fire

<elektra.fire wrote:

>

> I feel like I wish to make a confession, the worst

> thing I've ever done in my life and will ever do.

>

[Guest guest]

That was definitely a death for me and a rebirth.

Well put Steve....

LOve Elektra x x x

 

--- gnilaeh1111 <gnilaeh1111 wrote:

 

perhaps that's what chrism meant

> about 'deaths' he's experienced(?)

> please forgive yourself now. we have all been

> fear-stricken, lame idiots at some point and

> (on a positive note) that realization is humbling.

> love,

> -steve f

>

>

>

>

> --- In

> ,

> Elektra Fire <elektra.fire

> wrote:

> >

> > I feel like I wish to make a confession, the worst

> > thing I've ever done in my life and will ever do.

> >

> > I have never told this story in full before and

> feel

> > it is time.

> > I have told my husband to some extent but he just

> > thinks I'm cute and laughs at me for worrying so

> > much.... I don't think even he really understands

> to

> > the extent I lived this reality ever day for many

> > years, silently and in pain.

> >

> > When I met my husband I secretly believed I had

> been

> > infected by the HIV virus. I was too afraid and

> young

> > to deal with it, I told no one, I was in denial.

> > I lived three years secretly beliveing I had this

> > illness and that I was dying.

> > I was living with my hubby when I fell in love

> with

> > him. I had a vision that told me it was my destiny

> to

> > be with him and also that told me we would both be

> > fine health wise.

> > I always discounted these visions of health and

> hung

> > on to the fear I was dying.

> > I couldn't bring myself to tell him, and when we

> > decided to take the condom off and begin life as a

> > full couple we went to have tests done. He had a

> full

> > health screen, I lied and said I had. He trusted

> me

> > completely, I lied. I was too afraid to have the

> HIV

> > test done still.

> > I had my chance I blew it.

> > Instead, I let him take off the condom and make

> love

> > to me without it, fully believing I had a disease.

> > I had murdered him in my mind.

> > I lived many years, every day crying inside,

> torturing

> > myself, yet still having this inner voice telling

> me

> > to keep going, keep moving forward.

> > I shut down my sexuality as I felt like a

> deceitful

> > weapon.

> > I didn't want him to touch me.

> >

> > I thought I would just kill myself so I wouldn't

> have

> > to face what I thought I had done.

> >

> > I was a muderer and a liar.

> >

> > It was only years later that I managed to bring

> myself

> > to have the test done and confess everything to

> Hubby.

> > I told him I had lied about taking the test, and

> told

> > him that I had believed myself to be HIV positive

> all

> > those years, he just laughed at me, and comforted

> me

> > as if it was nothing.

> > I said to him, yeah, it's nothing but imagine if I

> had

> > been right and I had of had it, I would have

> killed

> > you, he told me, well that didn't happen did it,

> and

> > if it had I would have dealt with it.

> >

> > There you have it, I'm still working on forgiving

> > myself for that.

> >

> > That is my darkest secret , I surrender it now for

> all

> > to see.

> >

> > Love Elektra x x x

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

_________

>

> > The all-new Mail goes wherever you go -

> free your email address from your

> Internet provider.

> http://uk.docs./nowyoucan.html

>

[Guest guest]

Tender Hug, dear Elektra. That must have been an awful

living nightmare. See, the Light was trying to get

through to you. Darkness holds us in such bondage and

fear. You're radiating now! The Truth set you free.

Rejoice! xxx Love, dhyana

 

--- Elektra Fire <elektra.fire wrote:

 

> I feel like I wish to make a confession, the worst

> thing I've ever done in my life and will ever do.

>

> I have never told this story in full before and feel

> it is time.

> I have told my husband to some extent but he just

> thinks I'm cute and laughs at me for worrying so

> much.... I don't think even he really understands

> to

> the extent I lived this reality ever day for many

> years, silently and in pain.

>

> When I met my husband I secretly believed I had been

> infected by the HIV virus. I was too afraid and

> young

> to deal with it, I told no one, I was in denial.

> I lived three years secretly beliveing I had this

> illness and that I was dying.

> I was living with my hubby when I fell in love with

> him. I had a vision that told me it was my destiny

> to

> be with him and also that told me we would both be

> fine health wise.

> I always discounted these visions of health and hung

> on to the fear I was dying.

> I couldn't bring myself to tell him, and when we

> decided to take the condom off and begin life as a

> full couple we went to have tests done. He had a

> full

> health screen, I lied and said I had. He trusted me

> completely, I lied. I was too afraid to have the HIV

> test done still.

> I had my chance I blew it.

> Instead, I let him take off the condom and make love

> to me without it, fully believing I had a disease.

> I had murdered him in my mind.

> I lived many years, every day crying inside,

> torturing

> myself, yet still having this inner voice telling me

> to keep going, keep moving forward.

> I shut down my sexuality as I felt like a deceitful

> weapon.

> I didn't want him to touch me.

>

> I thought I would just kill myself so I wouldn't

> have

> to face what I thought I had done.

>

> I was a muderer and a liar.

>

> It was only years later that I managed to bring

> myself

> to have the test done and confess everything to

> Hubby.

> I told him I had lied about taking the test, and

> told

> him that I had believed myself to be HIV positive

> all

> those years, he just laughed at me, and comforted me

> as if it was nothing.

> I said to him, yeah, it's nothing but imagine if I

> had

> been right and I had of had it, I would have killed

> you, he told me, well that didn't happen did it, and

> if it had I would have dealt with it.

>

> There you have it, I'm still working on forgiving

> myself for that.

>

> That is my darkest secret , I surrender it now for

> all

> to see.

>

> Love Elektra x x x

>

>

>

>

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>

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>

 

 

 

 

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