Clearing and releasing

[Guest guest]

I feel the release so many of you are putting out here. What a

fantastic gift, not only to yourself but to those of us going through

it with you!

 

I'm thinking about things I would want to release or " surrender " .

(I'm not feeling this is the surrender chrism means but it won't hurt

to do it anyway). And I thought, " But I've done most of those long ago

and more recently, more thoroughly with the forgiveness exercises of

the safeties. " Once upon a time they hurt me but I've tried going

over them in mediation for years to release them and I have let go of

most of them but there is residual bits in me still or I'd feel all

clear. So, if you don't mind a long post, I will clean my closets of,

not so much skeletons, but the cobwebs, now.

 

Looking at it all, I think my heart chakra has taken the worst

beating in this lifetime. I had an abusive father. His behavior was

very like an alcoholic but he didn't drink. Rage and abuse, both

physical and mental was his usual state. He couldn't hold a job

longer than 6 months at a time with long periods of nothing between,

so we lived in poverty all my childhood, relying on the goodness of

neighbors and church members to live, really. I have 2 brothers,

younger than me. The youngest is mentally retarded with

hyperactivity, epilepsy and criminal tendencies thrown in (he has

raped a couple of women in the Home he now lives in--he's 43 with the

mind of a 7 year old). He was also abusive to us (very strong even at

a young age) and had rage issues as well. Not surprising, considering

the only role model he had. My mother was intimidated by my father as

well and though she stood up for us against him some, she couldn't do

it all the time. He was a great bully, even to her. There was no

sexual abuse from him, thank God, but I did have some of that with my

grandfather, who I looked up to as a role model since my dad wasn't

one for me. Then he betrayed me when I was about 12 or so. It was all

just touchy-feely, no intercourse, he didn't even expose himself to

me but I felt violated. Yet I loved him at some level anyway. He WAS

my grandfather, after all, beloved to me since I was very small! I

never told my grandma. It would have killed her and I dared not

anyway as I feared the punishment and my grandfather's anger. He was

not an angry man but he was strong and strict in other senses. So I

never said a word. I felt it was my fault and I felt dirty because of

it. And this, in a very religious family! It finally came to an end

when I was 17 and he asked me if I liked it or did I want him to stop

and I said very firmly I wanted it to stop, that it wasn't right. And

he didn't do it anymore. But I never loved him the same way as I had

when I revered him when I was a little girl. I never told my grandma,

not even when I knew she was near death. I just couldn't hurt her so

I kept it in. No one knows this, not even my husband and certainly

not my mother. I've had a few dreams of my grandfather, esp. lately

and in them I forgive him and tell him I love him. And I mean it.

 

The other heart chakra issue is my first husband. We knew each other

in high school, were just friends. But after a 4 yr. stint in the

army, he got an ROTC scholarship. We met up again at university and

started dating at a time when I was fed up with a non-committal

boyfriend (my first " lover " and someone I totally adored but after 5

yrs. and still he didn't want to marry--we're talking total good-

church-going Southern girl mentality here---I just gave up and was

looking elsewhere). After a whirlwind courtship, K. and I were

married. But a year after that he was sent overseas on a peace-

keeping mission in the Sinai (this is '85). Solo tour, no family---

too dangerous. So 6 months he was there and I was home trying to

carry on with my daily life without him. Finally the 6 months are up

and he can come home. Just in time for Christmas. The day I'm to go

to the military base for the homecoming ceremonies, I'm having

breakfast and watching CNN. They are live at a plane crash scene in

Newfoundland. Another sad story, as news always seems to be. Then

familiarity kicks in. A military aircraft carrying 216 soldiers from

Cairo crashed after landing to refuel. Smoke and flames and bits of

metal twisted in trees. Some military clothing on the ground, some

Christmas presents tumbled in a heap. Then they say it was headed for

Ft. Campbell, KY and my heart just sinks. I know it's his plane. And

it was. So not married even 2 yrs. and hadn't seen him in months to

come to this. After that is a blur. My Mom and new Step-dad drove to

me immediately from across the state. I went into a kind of fever and

mentally wasn't there for a good month. Never saw his body. It was

identified at Dover AFB by dental records. So no real closure for me.

I remember thinking for months maybe he wasn't really dead, just on

some covert mission using this as a cover. But of course, that was

fantasy. 8 months later, my old boyfriend and I had another go at

trying to make a relationship, this time he was more open to

committing but I was a different person and it just didn't click, as

much as I'd wanted it to. So we parted and have lost touch (which I

regret to this day). So a big " owie " for the heart there. It took me

10 yrs. to find another man to be the love of my life and I'm married

to him now (and EVEN had a child with him!!! Me, who was NEVER going

to have kids!) I have long since forgiven K for leaving me. I'm sure

now it was part of our contract. I got something I needed from him

and he, me in that short time we had together. I am still in contact

with his family by e-mail. But that is our only connection.

 

In my early 20s I had an abortion. It was not by my then-boyfriend

but by someone I had cheated on him with (there were a few of those

in the last year or so of our relationship). A short " affair " which

ended with that. He helped me through the decision and procedure then

that was it. I knew from the beginning I didn't want a baby (I never

wanted kids at all, ever, period!). So there wasn't much to think

over. It was done and there was never any remorse. Still isn't. I

figure that embryo developed to about 7 wks. and IF there was a soul

that inhabited it at all, it knew full well it was a temporary thing

because my intent was strong that I'd never have children. My husband

and my brother (the normal one) both know of this abortion but my

mother doesn't. It would have gone very strongly against her religion

on many levels and I know it would have broken her heart.

 

And the last thing that I have held in me for years and feel most

horrible about, was when I was 13 or 14, I had a baby-sitting job.

The baby was maybe 6 months old. I had pizza and it came with a

packet of red pepper flakes. I wondered what a baby would do if it

ate them. I don't know if this was evil intent or a science

experiement or a bit of both...So I gave it some in it's mouth. Well,

it immediately started crying so I gave it a bottle of milk. That

didn't help. It cried itself to sleep. The next day, the door bell

rings and the parents come and ask me why they found hot pepper

flakes inside the baby's pajamas. I lied and said I didn't know. They

talked to my parents alone for a bit. Then my parent's grilled me

about it. Again I lied and said I didn't know what they were talking

about. Because I was normally such a well-behaved and gentle child,

they believed me. And I got off scot-free. It was never mentioned

again but I didn't baby-sit for them again. I learned from that one

time. I never did anything remotely like that again. And I've asked

Shakti to forgive me and silently put out a request for that baby,

which is by now an adult, to forgive me. It is one of those things

that has felt unresolved though. I just can't believe I did that! I

rationalize it now thinking I was venting my pent up anger from my

own home on this poor helpless baby. I kept all my anger in...I had

to, it wasn't allowed. I got punished severly for showing anger. So

all these years I've kept my anger in, even as an adult. Only lately,

since I had my daughter, has anger actually come out. And it

frightens me. It's like all that pent up anger is exploding

and it's all I can do to keep it from ruling me, rather than me it.

I'm hoping it is releasing and will come to an end (SOON!) and not

becoming who I am! I don't like it one bit! It doesn't even feel like

me, as I know me. I'm a peace-loving person (and oh do I miss it!).

And my daughter sure knows how to push my buttons. Boy, they learn

young! She's only 5, what's it going to be like when she's 15?! I

shudder to think! I just hope to God I've gotten through this phase

and can live in the Witness state and do what's best rather than

reacting in anger! I'm truly hoping K and Shakti can help me with

that. The anger never comes out at my husband, though I get irritated

with him at times, but not truly angry. But, oh boy, can my daughter

make me livid! So I pray daily for guidance in that area.

 

I think that is all. Nothing else is coming to mind. In most areas

where there was residual regret, I have cleared it, I think. And

nothing really comes close to what I've said here. It's all very

trivial in comparison. I keep working at it, trying to dig into the

deepest corners when I do the forgiveness exercises.

 

I just let out a huge sigh and I don't know what all went with it but

something left because I feel something has detached and left. So

this was a good thing.

 

This is amazing that I've put things out there for you to read that

not even my best friends know! Thank you for reading so far. I put it

out there to be dissolved into forgiveness and nothingness.

 

Elvis has left the building...

 

Love to all you bright souls,

Valarie

[Guest guest]

Well done Valerie.

I'm sure that took alot of guts to put that out there

for all to see.

I know that you have released it all now, feels great

doesn't it.

 

you are a wonderful and brave soul.

 

I used to put hot mustard on the end of my cats nose

when it annoyed me and watch it go crazy, I think many

children do this kind of mad scientist, slightly evil

naughty things..... If you only did it once I'd say

you were a particularly good little girl. I can think

of many naughty/evil things I did as a youngster,

until I got older enough to know better (14-15 years

old).

 

Blessings and release

 

Elektra x x x

 

 

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