My confession--Elektra

[Guest guest]

My dear sweet friend, the important thing here is that you were able to find it

in yourself to talk about it! You set yourself free by doing so and now you can

start forgiving yourself for it! Hekim loves you so very much and does not hold

it against you so you shouldn't hold it against you either! You are a wonderful

person and you have graced us with you love and compassion every day! We don't

hold it against you so nor should you hold it against yourself! Now is the time

to start healing! We love you darling Elektra! As Dhyana said you are radiating

now! Continue on your path and you will be just fine!

 

Love,

Katherine

 

 

novalees <Novalees

 

Tuesday, July 3, 2007 8:31:03 PM

Re: My confession

 

Tender Hug, dear Elektra. That must have been an awful

living nightmare. See, the Light was trying to get

through to you. Darkness holds us in such bondage and

fear. You're radiating now! The Truth set you free.

Rejoice! xxx Love, dhyana

 

--- Elektra Fire <elektra.fire@ .co. uk> wrote:

 

> I feel like I wish to make a confession, the worst

> thing I've ever done in my life and will ever do.

>

> I have never told this story in full before and feel

> it is time.

> I have told my husband to some extent but he just

> thinks I'm cute and laughs at me for worrying so

> much.... I don't think even he really understands

> to

> the extent I lived this reality ever day for many

> years, silently and in pain.

>

> When I met my husband I secretly believed I had been

> infected by the HIV virus. I was too afraid and

> young

> to deal with it, I told no one, I was in denial.

> I lived three years secretly beliveing I had this

> illness and that I was dying.

> I was living with my hubby when I fell in love with

> him. I had a vision that told me it was my destiny

> to

> be with him and also that told me we would both be

> fine health wise.

> I always discounted these visions of health and hung

> on to the fear I was dying.

> I couldn't bring myself to tell him, and when we

> decided to take the condom off and begin life as a

> full couple we went to have tests done. He had a

> full

> health screen, I lied and said I had. He trusted me

> completely, I lied. I was too afraid to have the HIV

> test done still.

> I had my chance I blew it.

> Instead, I let him take off the condom and make love

> to me without it, fully believing I had a disease.

> I had murdered him in my mind.

> I lived many years, every day crying inside,

> torturing

> myself, yet still having this inner voice telling me

> to keep going, keep moving forward.

> I shut down my sexuality as I felt like a deceitful

> weapon.

> I didn't want him to touch me.

>

> I thought I would just kill myself so I wouldn't

> have

> to face what I thought I had done.

>

> I was a muderer and a liar.

>

> It was only years later that I managed to bring

> myself

> to have the test done and confess everything to

> Hubby.

> I told him I had lied about taking the test, and

> told

> him that I had believed myself to be HIV positive

> all

> those years, he just laughed at me, and comforted me

> as if it was nothing.

> I said to him, yeah, it's nothing but imagine if I

> had

> been right and I had of had it, I would have killed

> you, he told me, well that didn't happen did it, and

> if it had I would have dealt with it.

>

> There you have it, I'm still working on forgiving

> myself for that.

>

> That is my darkest secret , I surrender it now for

> all

> to see.

>

> Love Elektra x x x

>

>

>

>

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