Surrender declaration

[Guest guest]

Dearest Beloved Groups –

 

I am writing this post to both the kas-1 group and Kundalini Healing

group. As most of you know, I am infected with Lyme and had a

hepatitis-b vaccine injury which has now left me with an inability

to walk as well as other neurological deficits (difficulty in

handwriting, eating, showering, basic activities of daily living).

Lyme is often misdiagnosed as MS and I have multiple brain lesions

that fall in a pattern which is characteristic of MS. I had a long

IM conversation with last night/this morning and under his

guidance and suggestion I am writing this declaration to surrender

my private anguish. The things I will write here are extremely

personal to me and they are issues which cause me to have to

continually repeat forgiveness on a daily basis. It probably will

read like a soap opera and will look like a laundry list of gripes,

but realize these are issues I attempt to forgive each and every

day. suggested this as part of breaking loose blocks trying

to interfere with healing / forgiveness.

 

Okay, let's begin in childhood – alcoholic / abusive father. Dad

has drank and torn up the house for as long as I can remember. As a

young child, the routine was daily activities followed by dinner

which may or may not get scattered all over the floor, depending on

the level of intoxication. I often witnessed him assaulting my

mother, sometimes striking her, sometimes not, but always with a

crazed, evil look in his eyes. I would have frequent nightmares,

and I even believe we had spirits in the house secondary to that;

else my nightmare visions were extremely vivid. I can still see it.

 

As I grew older, on the outside, it looked as though I was a

spoiled, but happy teenager. The chaos continued however. My

father in a drunken rage tore up my itinerary and scholarship to

attend a trip to Washington DC for gifted students. My mother

refused to help. She allowed my father to pour gasoline on her;

luckily, he was too drunk to light the match.

 

Moving to Missouri was one of the happiest times of my life. I

recall experiencing a culture shock to see how normal people can

be. I even went to church for a while. At the time, I was doing

several shifts in the Intensive Care Unit because I thrived in that

atmosphere. I had a respiratory therapist buy me a $100 bottle of

wine after making three " champagne taps " (spinal taps without any

red cells). Mom and Dad came for a visit about a month later and

that was the end of my bottle of wine – beginning to end that is –

c'mon.

 

Why I moved back to Oklahoma I have no idea, but I was persuaded,

mostly by my best friend Dan, and my Dad. Since being in Oklahoma,

I have been plagued by my parents and their church friends. I am

tired of hearing that I am going to hell because my house resembles

a Hindu temple. Luckily, I think they have given up on me. I would

pray to God and Jesus " Lord, save me from your followers! "

 

DAN – My best friend left me out in the cold when I needed him

most. We have been together for 19 years. He has been with me

through 2 marriages, the death of my twins, and my recent illness.

We have done everything together. Mostly flying, but also some

scuba diving. He taught me aerobatics and I taught him instrument

flying. I would always accompany him ferrying an airplane back to

Oklahoma to restore in case he ran into any weather. I was nervous

when I first became ill and nonambulatory but was comforted when he

brought me a postcard with a P-47 on it with nose art

entitled " Strawberry Bitch " . I knew everything was normal then; or

at least I thought so. Our relationship was like that. I told him

I was having a bad day and he blew a gasket; we haven't spoken

since. I talked to his wife a few times, and she says he misses me

and is depressed, but where is he when I'm stuck in bed now? I

don't understand men at all.

 

DOUGLAS – husband #1 – father of twins. Not a bad guy, but not

nearly intelligent enough for me to stay with. He was late to their

funeral. One request; he dropped the ball. He actually wanted to

get remarried after the divorce. Nope!

 

ROB – husband #2 – lawyer – OMG! He was so difficult to get

divorced from. Kept the legal thing going just to spite me. He

said he not give me a divorce unless I paid him beacoup bucks,

because he deserved it. What??????? He never once helped around

the house, would take my credit cards, charge on them, and I would

have to pay. A real loser.

Thank God I didn't have kids with him.

 

Mom – She basically failed to protect me growing up. She was

too " in love " with Dad to know what's good for herself or anyone

else. No spine.

 

University where I last worked – they had me working for 2 months

straight without a day off until I began falling down in the parking

lot. I never despised a job so much.

 

Myself – I am too picky and too much of a perfectionist and esily

lose patience with others.

 

Hospital where I had my twins and ob/gyns that provided care for me –

they did multiple amnios and ultrasounds to assess the twins and I

always had to get a Rhogam shot afterward due to having AB neg

blood. Rhogam is similar to a vaccine in it's action and I have had

an adverse vaccine reaction myself, which leads me to believe this

contributed to the death of my twins. My main OB said, " You don't

know that they would have lived. " Excuse me? That's no excuse for

sloppy medical care!

 

 

These are the major players that I am working on forgiving. I

struggle because I forgive, feel better, find myself holding grudge

again, forgive, feel better, . . . . ad nauseum.

 

Thank you for reading and listening. Yes, I'm crazy! Aren't we all?

This is my declaration for surrenduring to shakti and God for

forgiveness of all these transgressions permanently.

 

Melissa L Cloer, BS, BBA, CFIAIASMEL, MD

[Guest guest]

Hi Melissa,

 

Thanks for sharing that. I'm so sorry about what you have been

through. I know how hard it is to forgive people who hurt you

especially your parents. It's a good thing that you vented here and

know that Chrism, all of us in the group are here for you. Also, I

know that Shakti & God will take extra care, heal and protect you.

 

Though it's hard to forgive, it is also the best and strongest healing

medicine for the heart and soul. I know you are a very strong person.

You are not alone. Shakti & God are on your side. You are an even

stronger person now.

 

 

((HUGS))

 

Anne

[Guest guest]

Hi Melissa,

 

Thank you for trusting us enough to open and let go! You have my upmost

respect, compassion and admiration. Yours is a life of great challenge and

therefore, of profound growth. I also know challenge, as each of us do in our

own way. However, yours is of a greater order of magnitude than many. I work

as a nurse in aged care, looking after people in similar situations as yours,

however, on average, they are far more elderly. I am there as they loose all

independence; as I become their hands and legs, their friend and confidant. As

they suffer through a calas and gastly or peaceful passing into the ultimate

surrender. It is clear to me, life is brutal. The ego is irrelevant in the

face of life - its needs and desires are but whimpers in the night. One can

only have great compassion for all life forms who undergo such hardship.

However, as it appears to me, this is the nature of incarnation. And it is

further clear, it is no arbitrary condition. Exploration of the nature of BEING

follows from all experiences; in my view, by stipulative definition, every

experience is an opportunity to notice and simply realise THAT-WHICH-IS. The

most subtle and mundane, the most intensely joyful, or harshly painful and

brutal. Further, it flashes by so quickly.

 

The value of life is inestimable. It seems to me, there is no goal per se;

we are not going anywhere as such. I AM already; as are you. It seems it is

the journey itself - the experience of life per se, in all its ordinariness and

profound wonder that simply gives us an opportunity to explore and experience

that which we are. To notice that which is. Thus, I do not in any way diminish

your suffering or others, or my own. For the anguish of the ego structure is

real; as is the pain response of one's physiology. Yet as we move through our

experiences, we find they are a door way into infinity. As is the intensity of

joy and love; and the general mundane ordinariness of routine life. Further, it

seems to me, as LIFE moves through us, and we through it, awareness opens up;

eternity is found. And it is this opening and self discovery, following from

YOUR SURRENDER to experience, that is the true exploration of BEING. However,

in the absolute view, we do not gain anything from this, for we have never lost

anything. There is no movement in stillness. There just IS. Just BEING.

Letting go of all tension, of all resistance opens a window into the noticing of

that-which-is. As insight shifts into direct realisation of the very essence of

that which is, then, as I have tasted it, there is simply a vast conjunction of

bliss, perfection and emptiness - the infinity of still fullness. That which

was always there, but unnoticed. In this way we can see, in a linear, temporal

sense, there is a process - a transformation. In the atemporal sense, there is

only that which is. The still BEING of eternity. It appears clear to me,

sooner or later, we are all dragged kicking and screaming into the moment of

surrender. Then, as that truly takes place, the goal, in the linear sense, is

realised; in the eternalist view, we simply realise the totality - we notice

that which is, LIFE as it is. Which neither rejects nor diminishes its binary

dichotomies; nor selectively attends to the very essence of the thing. Rather,

there is a realisation of the perfection of that which is here and now. The

cognizance of singular, unitary mystery of unchanging BEING.

 

Melissa, thanks for sharing your story! :-)

 

In kind regards,

 

Adam.

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Melissa,

Thank you for sharing your deepest most personal pains

with us, it is a big step to just put it all out

there.

I found a good method to recapitulate lost energies

such as these, is to write it into a book, especially

bought just for this purpose, when you have finished

writing it all, burn it. Place it in a fire place,

outside or in a bowl, and burn it. While you burn it

pray and stare at the fire, allow the smoke to blow on

you. Watch until the last spark of fire goes out and

then throw the ashes into any water or into the

breeze.

 

I know you cant move much so I don't know how easily

you could do this but it helps a lot.

 

It takes a life time to build up this emotional

residue so be patient with yourself in releasing it.

 

Love Elektra x x x

 

 

_________

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[Guest guest]

Dear Melissa,

I didn't realize how hard its been for you. If you don't mind I will

send you many loving and healing prayers. Thank you for sharing your

story, I'm sure it was hard to do, but know that we all support, love

and appreciate your sharing with us.

I know how hard it is to forgive. Sometimes you think you have done

everything you can and forgiven, forgiven, and forgiven again and

feel great! Then another day comes along and something triggers the

bad memory and the bad feelings come rolling back in. I know it can

be discouraging, because you really thought you cleared this issue.

Then it seems you find yourself mad or hurt all over again and don't

know why. I know consciously you really want to let it all go and

think you have and don't understand why it keeps popping up. But you

are really working on it so acknowledge that and maybe praying for

help to release it.

Sometimes when I find myself in a situation where I think I cleared

an emotion and later find myself back in it....I think to myself well

maybe I choose this for myself because I knew it would take me here

to all of you and this experience. I sometimes wonder if I didnt have

those experiences if I would be here. Then that'll bug me for a bit

wondering why would anyone ever want to experience horrible

things...that can't be right. I wonder why can't we just get here by

having a wonderful loving happy life. I don't know the answers. But

what I take comfort in sometimes is that if, IF I did choose those

experiences then maybe, just maybe the person I am having such a hard

time forgiving really in larger terms (maybe before this life) knew

this and by their actions helped me to get here. Maybe that person

and I are really the best of buddies and I don't remember. I still

have difficulty with this when it comes to abuse, but whether it is

true or not it sometimes help me to forgive. Of course another thing

is that I wonder what kind of childhood that person had; to be so

hurtful as an adult. Doesnt mean I ever want to hang with them, just

helps me sometimes with the forgiving process. I pray for the day

when we can all practice harmlessnes and love for all. Perhaps in

this journey that is what we do and then radiate out to all others.

 

I have felt your love on this list and appreciate you very much! I

pray for much healing for you. Perhaps by making this declaration it

will release that which is inside and real lasting healing will

begin. Know that by your sharing you help all of us. My love goes out

to you and I am praying for this release in you. We will do our best

to help you! With much love,

Deb

[Guest guest]

Fighting the tears Melissa...you are loved here and have people who care about

you.

 

Love Scott

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Beloved Melissa -

Scott is right, fighting tears also. I was so moved, my heart was also crying.

You are in a good place, you are cared about and loved deeply.

With my Love for you, Melissa

Becky

 

Scott Regel <scott.regel wrote:

Fighting the tears Melissa...you are loved here and have people who care about

you.

 

Love Scott