Surrendering & Making Peace With My Greatest Fears

[Guest guest]

Hi Group & Chrism,

 

Here's an update about me.

 

My childhood best friends' dad passed away tuesday night. I found out

yesterday while at school when my cousin called me up. I don't know

why he died. I guess it was his time. He had been confined in a

Nursing Home for a few years now. My best friends' mom is my mom's

best friend. My aunt and uncle are planning to fly out to California

for the funeral. I'm not sure. Spoke to them last night and my cousin

Cecile. Well, at least my best friends are now married with their own

kids. He (their dad) was able to see his grand kids at least. So I am

sure he is happy and at peace. As for his wife, she sounded alright

when I spoke with her last night. We told my mom about it.

 

As for school .. it is super busy. By the time I get home, I am

already exhausted, starving and ready to hit the sack. Monday and

wednesdays are my longest day. I am pretty much there all day. What I

do with the remaining time in between classes, I have lunch and hang

out at the student lounge or library to do some readings. By 4pm, I go

upstairs and wait in the classroom until class starts at 5pm. I have

Ethics. The teacher that I took is was recommended to me by a friend.

Well, as most of you know, I hate public speaking or plain

participating in discussions for more than five minutes, because I get

nervous. Well anyway, first day of class on monday, we had to

introduce ourselves, how old we are, major, talk about our favorite

book(s) and why, favorite movie(s) and why, what they are all about

etc, our heroes, biases and ethical dilemmas. Well, since I am one of

the fortunate people sitting on the front row, .. I had to go second.

Of course, I felt the heat rising in my face, but then as time went on

... after talking about my favorite book " Ask And It Is Given " , I

almost had a debate with my teacher because in a way he isn't seeing

things in my perspective. Okay, but I tried not to argue with him,

because certain people, no matter how hard you try to teach them to

think positively, they cannot seem to get it. Anyway, I think this is

going to be a very interesting class. I think Shakti is also

testing/challenging me to face my greatest fear. Normally, when I fear

something, my immediate reaction is to run away/escape from this

class. I noticed that I may be allowing myself to surrender to this

fear now. It doesn't seem to scare me anymore. Sure, I still feel

nervous or my hands turn cold, but its not how I use to feel knots in

my stomach and I just want to die right there and then. I just tell

myself now that, " Okay, this class is going to be somewhat of a debate

class. There will be some heated discussions. Everyone are

contributing with their opinions. I know I can be a very opinionated

person. Not in a bad way, but I have my own opinions on everything, so

everything will be alright. I can do this. " I don't think I am being

rebellious. I know I grew up in a family where everyone have always

dictated to me what to do, how to think, what to choose etcetera. I

guess I am now ready to speak my own mind whether other people agrees

with me or not. There is no reason for me to feel stupid or think that

people will laugh at me or the things I say may make me look like a

fool. It's alright with me now because I do not agree with whatever

other people tells me anyway. I'm not going to agree just for the sake

of pleasing that person. Of course, I cannot argue with my aunt even

though she is wrong, because she refuses to be wrong. She believes

that she is always right. If I argue, she bites my head off and hear

her nag all night long. It's not worth arguing with her. If I can help

it, I will just keep my thoughts to myself or vent elsewhere.

 

A few nights ago, a cousin of mine who is back home in the Philippines

mentioned that she just found out that her parents aren't married in

the church - only civil. I told her what's wrong with that? They are

still legally married. So what's the problem? She said that in the

Catholic church, there is a rule that if a couple did not marry in a

Catholic church, their bodies cannot enter the church when they die. I

asked why? That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Never heard

of that before. Well, she said it is the rule. Everyone has to be

married in the Catholic church. Geez, I don't think the church has the

right to dictate to me what to do with my spirituality. So, what will

happen to me if I died back home? Will the church throw my dead body

away because I am not Catholic? How can they refuse that? That's

really mean and close-minded if they did. My cousin was saying that it

is like the Catholic church is depriving a person of their own

spirituality. It's not up to the church to decide though. It's up to

God and me. I think that's a bunch of BS. It really upsets me when I

think about it.

 

Back to school. It is going to be a very busy and challenging quarter.

The teacher that I have been dreading to take for Typography class

ended up teaching the one class that I thought he was not going to

teach. This is why there is a big gap in between my classes. I was

trying to avoid taking his class. Ughh, but he ends up teaching all of

them. There's no escaping now. What happened was that there were two

teachers who went on vacation (there was some miscommunication with

the other faculty members) and that class was canceled on friday night

and re-added back on monday morning. I had him for Graphic Design

class on my first year at IADT. Very strict teacher. He gives a lot of

projects. Oh well. I guess this quarter is all about facing ALL my

fears. I am calm and ready to face them.

 

My Web Design class is going to be a fun as well. We have to keep a

journal and review 3 websites we visit each week and write a

review/synopsis about it etc. For our midterm project, each of us has

to create a brand new design for CSSZenGarden.com using CSS of course.

For our final project, we have to create a website for our chosen

client. I already asked my best friend Betty if she could be my client

since she will be a full pledged architect soon, it may be a good

project to create a portfolio site for her.

 

As for work, I have been laid off for over a month now but my former

employer called last week because one of the receptionist left. They

wanted to know if I was interested. My only concern is that what will

happen if I accept this position? If they go into a budget again, are

they going to let me go just like the last time without notice? I even

applied for unemployment but have not heard from them yet. So, I am

really desperate to find a job. Luckily I have a student loan, but how

am I going to pay for my bills? I don't and cannot depend on my aunt

to help me because I know she is going to say something negative about

it. I would rather avoid that. I applied at other places and went to

an interview last week. Still waiting for a second interview, but how

much longer am I going to wait? I've been avoiding hanging out with my

friends because of my current financial situation. I need a miracle.

 

I accepted the receptionist position at my former job. It's not very

stable. This will do for now while I'm waiting for the hospital to

call me for my second interview. I would much prefer working there

than in a Nursing Home.

 

As for my aunt, her legs are feeling much better except when she is

mad. I cannot help her with her anger issues. Only she can help herself.

 

Thank you Kat & Tara for helping me send healing prayers to her.

Thanks to for your advice and guidance. I'm also thankful to

goddess Shakti for not giving up on me. I know I will be alright.

Pretty soon I am going to overcome and make peace with my fears.

 

Thanks for reading,

Anne