notes on surrendur

[Guest guest]

when chrism wrote on surrendur, i wanted to, and then (this will sound

petty)

immediately my resistance to surrenduring my opal lip ring,

I had to surrendur my fear of piercing my face to get it,

THAT TOOK ME SO LONG, lol, i just got it

and for that I had to surrendur my fear of my parents and society's judgment

 

fear of being told what to do again

how to be in my body

 

so in surrenduring my lip ring i surrendur transcending my parents judgment

of how i should be;

 

then this is harder, surrenduring my attachment to identities affiliated

with urban progressive punk and neo-tribal subcultures - i finally found

myself here, i started to love myself here...

 

i am still caught somewhere between delighting in these subculture forms and

being caught by them; i know both the delight and being caught are teetering

above the void...

 

now i want to surrendur again

and the bargaining starts

 

bargaining with god for my mind free of entities

surrendur

bargaining with god for my mind free of entities

surrendur

BUT I DESERVE IT, IT IS MY BIRTHRIGHT, how can I surrendur even here?

it's MY MIND

but it is God's mind

 

bargaining for my mind free of social and familial trances

(it took me so long to get here...my ego free to transcend parental and

social forms...how can i surrendur the authority i have gained?! i barely

landed here, i need more time to know myself)

 

but i can surrendur my authority here still because i don't want to keep all

the junk underneath this ego transcendence, my transcendence of false

authorities, there is a lot of junk underneath that

 

i know the transcendence stays the junk and reactivity goes

 

surrenduring my fear of aging as a woman

i know i will be ok

i am grasping onto my years and my youth

i know i will be ok again

i am grasping again

i will be ok

 

back and forth on this seasaw until my mind drives me completely INSANE...i

already know what side will win - AGE and SURRENDUR and I WILL BE OK

 

i can try to surrendur in these sore spots of my mind and being

i feel something new has to form, or maybe unform, maybe it is getting used

to dropping form and all the awkwardness and uncomfortability of unforming

 

i am not old enough yet, i think it will be an irritating bargaining process

for a while, lol

bargaining with death and formation

 

now i want to be nothing again

 

and then i delight in myself existing as this particular being i am attached

to...

 

i want her to become a beautiful woman and a wife and a mother and a lover

and a community builder and a teacher and an activist and a healer

 

and a form for the DIVINE to experience the beauty of creation and long for

itself through my heart

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

yes. you have your lip ring and neo-tribalism and coming into your desired roles

as an

independent woman, partner, mother, healer...etc. i can relate to all this in a

way. so yeah,

to be honest, i begin to fear: will chrism or goddess ask me to stop making the

music i

enjoy and singing the songs? as it is, i won't smoke the herb anymore, i won't

have sex out

of being deeply in love... these are sensations i've surrendered to chrism's

wisdom. and

that's ok because i trust him and i trust the process. as chrism said in his

latest post, we

all have our own rates of progress in this process of surrender. so i guess i've

gotta take it

day by day to see what comes next.

sweet dreams and love to all,

-steve f

 

, " L K " <spacegypsie

wrote:

>

> when chrism wrote on surrendur, i wanted to, and then (this will sound

> petty)

> immediately my resistance to surrenduring my opal lip ring,

> I had to surrendur my fear of piercing my face to get it,

> THAT TOOK ME SO LONG, lol, i just got it

> and for that I had to surrendur my fear of my parents and society's judgment

>

> fear of being told what to do again

> how to be in my body

>

> so in surrenduring my lip ring i surrendur transcending my parents judgment

> of how i should be;

>

> then this is harder, surrenduring my attachment to identities affiliated

> with urban progressive punk and neo-tribal subcultures - i finally found

> myself here, i started to love myself here...

>

> i am still caught somewhere between delighting in these subculture forms and

> being caught by them; i know both the delight and being caught are teetering

> above the void...

>

> now i want to surrendur again

> and the bargaining starts

>

> bargaining with god for my mind free of entities

> surrendur

> bargaining with god for my mind free of entities

> surrendur

> BUT I DESERVE IT, IT IS MY BIRTHRIGHT, how can I surrendur even here?

> it's MY MIND

> but it is God's mind

>

> bargaining for my mind free of social and familial trances

> (it took me so long to get here...my ego free to transcend parental and

> social forms...how can i surrendur the authority i have gained?! i barely

> landed here, i need more time to know myself)

>

> but i can surrendur my authority here still because i don't want to keep all

> the junk underneath this ego transcendence, my transcendence of false

> authorities, there is a lot of junk underneath that

>

> i know the transcendence stays the junk and reactivity goes

>

> surrenduring my fear of aging as a woman

> i know i will be ok

> i am grasping onto my years and my youth

> i know i will be ok again

> i am grasping again

> i will be ok

>

> back and forth on this seasaw until my mind drives me completely INSANE...i

> already know what side will win - AGE and SURRENDUR and I WILL BE OK

>

> i can try to surrendur in these sore spots of my mind and being

> i feel something new has to form, or maybe unform, maybe it is getting used

> to dropping form and all the awkwardness and uncomfortability of unforming

>

> i am not old enough yet, i think it will be an irritating bargaining process

> for a while, lol

> bargaining with death and formation

>

> now i want to be nothing again

>

> and then i delight in myself existing as this particular being i am attached

> to...

>

> i want her to become a beautiful woman and a wife and a mother and a lover

> and a community builder and a teacher and an activist and a healer

>

> and a form for the DIVINE to experience the beauty of creation and long for

> itself through my heart

>

>

>