Guest guest Posted January 14, 2008 Report Share Posted January 14, 2008 Hi Everyone, Please add me in your prayers, as I have been feeling a bit under the weather since yesterday. Do you want to know why? Well, I guess I'm having a major breakthrough. First, my closure with my ex C. Then last night I decided to call P since I was unable to write back to his email over the holidays. Well lo and behold, he answered the phone and I heard a baby crying on the background. At first I was thinking he could be over at S & L's house, but then their kids are probably bigger now. But something inside of me asked him, " do you have a baby now? " Pause. He said, " yeah... I was going to tell you over email, but wasn't sure if I should or not. " Why not? I will find out anyway sooner or later. I said, " Congrats " (NOT!). I asked, " Since when? " He said, " about a month ago. " Well, we had to hang up the phone since the baby was crying and he needed to change the diaper. How do I feel? I don't know. In shock? I'm not quite sure how I feel right now. Blank. Dead. Bleh. I couldn't sleep last night. I haven't had insomnia since 2003. Yes, it's been almost 5 years since we broke up (P & I). I feel as if a deep part of me has died completely. I don't know which was the hardest to let go - P or C. I loved both. They were the only two. The greatest love and deepest pain was P. I took him off of my featured friends list on friendster. I really really need to forget about P and C once and for all. Having C live on the same neighborhood as P's does not quite help me forget. I haven't heard from C since I sent him my closure letter. I dreamed about him on saturday night that we were arguing and he was so upset by what I had told him. He was so upset that he hung up the phone hard. The part of me who can't let go of him wanted to say " I'm sorry. Let's make up. " But in reality, I am glad that this is it ... the final closure. There have been a lot of bathroom dreams. I think it is telling me to release and purify myself from my past heart- aches and past loves. Last night, I couldn't sleep. I didn't cry. Maybe it's suppressed. I feel numb. I wrote a very long poem. It doesn't rhyme, but it is an expression of how I feel right now. I was up until 3am. Maybe more than that. I don't know. I keep seeing a lot of energy flowing in front of me and a deep blue/indigo light/figure. I dreamed I was at P's condo with a kitten and a puppy. I tried calling the kitten, but she was a little bit cautious walking towards me. Then, the puppy grabbed the kitten to the side and he started brushing her furry body and neck with his claws. I thought they will attack each other but they were very friendly and playful. The puppy asked the kitten where does she live. She answered, " I live in Indiana. " Then, I found myself in the bathroom with a white towel wrapped around me. I guess I am going though purification. Anacel called twice last night to make sure that I'm alright. She wants to make sure I won't kill myself. Why would I? I think I'm just in a shock. I will be alright. Been listening to some emo songs again. Don't worry. I will be alright. I will get over them. What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger right? I've been through so much. What can I not handle? The Greatest Breakthrough in the Life of RainFairy I am ... a sad rainfairy whose fragile wings has been broken. As I sit here in my cage... my eyes wanders far through the icey cold night sky. I pondered upon... memories of yesterday/years that have gone by. They are like... the clouds in the sky moving and changing as the wind blows them away with the seasons. Feelings are like the weather... yesterday, it was fair and sunny. today, it was cold and cloudy. tonight, there were lightning and thunderstorms. tomorrow, will be dull, gray and BLEH Oh, how I wished... to be set free from this chained cage that I have been confined in for so long. I have longed... to fly freely in the gentle baby blue sky. to touch the numerous twinkling stars high above. to feel the breeze pf the wind as it embraces my entire being with its warm caresses. to become one with the moon and sun. Letting go... is not the easiest thing to do, but it is time to move on and say goodbye to the two of you. Love and memories of P & C... the two greatest loves of my life must die for good. These final chapters in my life... has finally come to an end. must be forgotten forever. it hurts, but I must always stand strong like a cherry blossom tree. Do I feel... in a shock?-- i don't know. deep sigh - blank sentimental? relief? loss and sadness. A deep part of me... has shattered and died (over and over). surrendered. closure. the end. rest in peace. What's left of me to pick up?... puzzle pieces of myself. my heart and soul (lessons). purification and healing to full recovery. self-love and new beginnings. I have been... broken and dead (over and over), because I was blind and asleep. repaired and reborn (over and over), because I have awakened. Written By: Anne aka. RainFairy Sunday-Monday (January 13-14, 2008 @ 0301am) Thanks for reading. Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2008 Report Share Posted January 14, 2008 Letting go is hard to do but actually, when it's done, freedom takes the place of entrapment little rainfairy! You spread those wings and face yourself towards the light of the sun, the Kundalini is enough love for you, you are complete within. You are Shakti, you are Shiva, both together. You are love. I look forward to the moment when the pain has become a distant memory x x x Lots of girly hugs Elektra x x x ________ Sent from Mail - a smarter inbox http://uk.mail. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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