update

[Guest guest]

Hello Everybody,

Just writing to update everyone on what I've been going through. I've been

trying to just

allow for surrender in order to overcome all of the negativity that has built up

inside over a

period of time. About 2 weeks ago I decided that I just didn't believe the

constant abusive

critical dialogue going on on the left side of my head and I just started

praying constantly

in the back of my mind all day for the healing of my mind knowing that I

haven't done

anything that warrants unceasing punishment. Once I started doing that I started

feeling

my inner child beginning to express himself. I started feeling more playful and

creative

and started playing my guitar again and feeling more able to speak from the

heart and

sing without paying attention to the criticisms constantly present in my mind.

My head

and ears started to clear and I could actually feel my own presence again at

times. I

started having a series of dreams that were all huge releases and seemed to all

involve

themes of taking my power back and forgiveness, but these dreams have been

extremely

exhausting. They are super charged with fear and anger and guilt and although I

think they

are facilitating a release and a detoxification I am waking up each morning

still reeling

from their effects and feeling like I've literally gotten my ass kicked. In one

dream I had

been imprisoned in a golden cell block and I had to escape from the prison

encampment

that was surrounded by a black mirky river. It was the dead of winter and I was

working

outside on the chain gang. I had chains and shackles on my wrists and ankles

and

somehow managed to get the shackles off of my wrists and swam across the river

to the

other side and ran into this neighborhood. I knew that the guards were already

after me

and I felt that I should stay close to the prison rather than run further from

it since that

was counter intuitive and the guards would be expecting me to run as far away in

one

direction as possible, so I climbed up into one of the trees in a yard on the

other side of

the river bank. While I was in the tree a small asian girl came out from her

house (I was in

her yard) and she told me that the guards knew where I was and would soon be

there to

get me. I told her that they would have to send up a fire truck with a ladder to

get me

because I wouldn't come down of my own volition. When the guards got there they

started

to attack the little girl and I came down from the tree to fight them. We were

in the little

girls garage now and there were 2 guards. One was after me and the other after

her. I was

witnessing from the perspective of both myself and the little girl and we were

both armed

with power tools. I had a hand saw and she had an electric hedge trimmer. I saw

from her

perspective the man coming to grab her towering over her and she threw the hedge

trimmer at him and missed and then he tackled her in the corner. I on the other

hand was

fending off the other guard and cutting his arms off as he wrestled to detain

me. His arms

were growing back and he kept pursuing me. I started to run away but each time

I would

remember the little girl and go back into the garage to try to find her and

rescue her. I

kept seeing a cardboard box bouncing up and down in the corner and went over to

it

several times to lift it up hoping I would find her only to find a huge rat

running around in

circles. I then started running down the street trying to hitchhike as a car

passed me all

the while the guard whose arms kept growing back is slowly following behind me

while

radioing on his walki talky for back up and telling them what direction I was

travelling in,

all this with a very eerie assurance that I would not get away. I climbed a

fence and ran

into another yard and hid under a bunch of hey. the guard climbed over a fence

in the

adjacent yard and kept travelling straight ahead away from me. Then he turned

into a cat

and slowly started to prowl. He could hear the rustling of the hey that my

breathing was

causing and stopped and turned around stalking back towards me. I woke up to my

cat

jumping onto my chest. Needless to say my nerves were completely shot and this

has

been the common theme with my dreams and how I feel upon waking. I'm trying to

keep

trucking and not get caught up in depression or feeling sorry for myself

although

sometimes I fall into those patterns. I could use a big love and healing boost

from

everybody to help me overcome these obstacles and reinstate some stability and

self

esteem in my life. I'm still looking for jobs too. That's another reason why I

haven't posted

much. Anyway if you read this far, I love you guys. Man, it feels good to love

you people!

Big Gigantic Love,

Travis

P.S. If anyone has the Dalai Lama CD I'de really like to get a copy somehow.