Declaration of Surrendering Ego & Maya

[Guest guest]

June 16, 2008

 

Dear & K-family,

 

As you all know, I have been struggling with breaking away

from my ego for a long time. You all know my stories, especially the

embarrassing ones. I know that I am probably the most stubborn little

sister that you all have known in this group. When I was a kid, I have

been told by my father that I am very hard-headed. I don't know who to

blame my stubbornness from. Maybe being a Leo and having a Taurus

ascendant? Nevertheless, there is no one to blame but myself.

 

First, I want to say sorry to Chrism, Sarita, and Claudia for

being such a pain in the butt. You all give me great advice all the

time and I am thankful for your concern about me. Since being part of

the K, I have learned many lessons. I am still keep on learning and

growing despite my stubbornness and my ego always in the way

preventing me from moving forward. But as I have said, I am stubborn,

so no matter how stubborn Miss Ego is, I too am super stubborn to

breakaway from her. I just want to kill her once and for all.

 

Since Chrism's visit last April, there have been many

changes, especially since he did major healing on my heart chakra.

After that things haven't been the same. I know I remained quiet as if

nothing was bothering me whenever someone asked how I was doing.

Actually, I have been confronting my demons. It is not easy to do. I

know that for the past two years, I have been very loyal to Chris

despite whatever was going on. Even before I joined this group and the

dream group. Even before The Secret came out. I have this friend Reiki

Master/mentor Paulo (he has a called Reiki in the

Philippines) whom I met in 2006. He saw a picture of Chris. He told me

to stay away from him because he doesn't like what he sees. I asked

him what was wrong but he would not tell me. He just told me that he

is not allowed to tell me because it is against certain universal

laws. I didn't quite understood what he meant. At that time, I was

still pretty new in developing my intuition. Paulo attuned me to Reiki

level 2 distantly as he lives in the Philippines. I was attuned by my

Reiki Master here in Chicago to level 2 a few months later. Paulo

taught me the Silva Method, Mirror of the Mind, etc. He is one of the

people who told me that I am super stubborn. When I want something or

focus my mind on something, no one/nothing can get in the way. LOL.

So, now I look back and I felt bad for being a pain in the butt. I am

super sorry. I know I just could not accept getting involved with

another guy but Chris. Even the thought of praying for or attracting a

" partner " was a little unacceptable, because when I think of the word

partner, it could be anybody but Chris. Maybe the reason why he is

always in my life is because I created this manifestation grid 2 years

ago that I taped on my ceiling. There were times when I wanted to take

that poster board down. I was having second thoughts all the time.

Part of me wanted to get rid of it and another part of me did not want

to. I tried to get rid of it one day, but it was stuck on the ceiling

(I used a lot of packaging tape to make sure the crystals doesn't fall

off on me in bed).

 

I have my mom and some friends who I truly admire for their

strength and tolerance to stay married with their husbands even though

they knew their hubby will always be a philanderer. I guess they

thought that after marriage, the men would grow out of it. I guess

not. I asked one of my girl friends how she can tolerate that? She

said that she has always known it even when they were dating, but she

kept her faith. Then she said that she is probably a sucker for pain.

Ughh & #61516;. After she said that, something whacked me hard. I asked

myself, " Do I really want to be married to Chris? " Of course the

answer is yes. But after everything that had told me and

everything that has been going on, how can I trust Chris? He said

sorry many times but I don't think he truly knows what the word means.

He has been trying to win me back. He said that he loves me. Does he

really know what love means? Even his mom tried to convince me to

change my mind, but I felt numb. It seems that everything that Chris

tells me now, I just laugh it off because he is such a joke. You would

think that after all these time, he has learned his lessons, but it is

such a joke. I am not even hurt anymore. I have tried to move on from

him many times and he is doing everything he can to stop me from

moving on. But after I told him my rules, if he will not keep his word

to try to change, be grateful for what he has instead of taking them

for granted, forgive himself as well as others who inflicted pain in

him, keeping his words for real, meaning the words for real, learn to

pray, be really sorry for everything. I guess these requests were too

hard for him to do. I don't know how he can earn my trust again. It's

been shattered. I just pray for him every day and night to wake up.

You know, God is in control of him now. I don't want to bother with

Chris anymore. Of course my family does not know yet. I will tell them

eventually. I told Chris that I don't know about him, but I have not

given up finding my real Mr. Right.

 

Well, I always thought about what Sarita told me how she met her

husband. I thought about what she said on writing a list of qualities

I am looking for a partner. I made a list 2 years ago, but at that

time, I didn't take it to heart. I thought about what Paulo told me

that if I want to find the right man, manifest him, believe and expect

it. I did not take that to heart either, because at that time, Chris

was the only man for me. When was here, he told me to start

dating other men again. Of course, I did not want to date other men.

I'm sure you guessed the answer. Chrism, you made me laugh when you

told me at the gallery how I am critical with the men I meet. It's

true. said that Chris is not the right guy for me because he

was immature and insecure. He said that I would meet the right guy

after Chris. Did Miss. Ego want to hear that? Of course not. I told

Chrism, well how on earth am I going to find this guy if I hardly go

out. I just go to school and back home. I don't go to clubs or bars.

How is he going to find me? I don't even look at guys in school. I

just go to school strictly to do my work and learn. Chrism, suggested

for me to go to art galleries to meet someone. I know that the art

galleries are like my second home, but I don't know. I haven't thought

about guy hunting in a gallery.

 

Anyway, I have a gratitude journal and I have been learning how to

apply the Secret. I know that I have used it many times before even

before it came out as The Secret. So, I joined their forum to read

other people's experiences and it was a source of inspiration not to

give up. Well, on May 2, I wrote for the first time in my gratitude

journal the word " partner " . I am ready to meet him. Where the heck are

you? I didn't say that. But I created a list in my journal of the

qualities I am looking for in a partner. Then, I created a list of the

qualities I love about myself. It made me feel great and powerful.

Then, I tried some visualizations acting as if I have already met my

partner. I decided that what I am looking for in a partner is

something similar or identical to my own personality and qualities. I

wanted a combined quality of my ex (P) and mine to be in my partner

(super sweet, loyal, honest, etc). Then, I pretended my partner

calling me on the phone. He would call me everyday/night to say " hi " ,

how's school, etc. I even opened up an email account pretending it

belonged to my partner. So I would email myself and write the things I

want my partner to tell me in his email. When I slept at night,

instead of taking up the entire bed, I would sleep on one side

(careful not to fall off my bed) and pretend that my partner was

sleeping on the other side. And then, 2 weeks ago, I decided to join a

dating site for the heck of it. I didn't bother searching. I just

simply created a profile and listed the qualities I love about myself

and stating that the person I am looking for is unique like me. Well,

a week later, while I was in the library in school, I logged on and

someone contacted me. I was hesitant at first. Can you guess why? Miss

Ego popped in. Well, you know how Miss Ego has a height requirement

and many other requirements? Well, I could not include the

requirements in my profile because there's a limit to the length of

words to type in. I just trusted that God would know what I am looking

for because I have told him many, many, many times. Well, so I was

chatting with this guy who turned out to be a former student in my

school. He is an art student. He took some art courses in my school in

2001. We talked about some teachers we knew. Then, he took some film

making courses at Columbia College. Then he got his Bachelors in Fine

Arts at the Art Institute which is walking distance from my school.

After that, now he is in Law School at John Marshall College which is

2 or 3 blocks away from school. We were going to meet for coffee that

day but I was doing research for my presentation tomorrow. He told me

that my description of myself and what I am looking for is everything

he was looking for in a soul mate. Well, Miss Ego kept looking back

and forth at his pictures and his height and other not so important

stuff. She kept reminding me that this guy does not meet our

requirements. But I ignored her and continued chatting with this guy.

 

Well, we spoke to each other on the phone for half an hour. We had so

much to talk about. From art to economics to law etc. He seemed nice.

Then, the next day he called me again and we talked for almost 2

hours. I learned that he is divorced with a kid. His ex-wife cheated

on him. Miss Ego popped in again, because the divorce bit was a deal

breaker for her. I continued to ignore her. I felt that this guy was

very nice and sincere. He calls me everyday now and he is so super

sweet and nice. Then, I started asking myself questions or Miss Ego

and I are discussing things. I really like this guy. Not only is he

intelligent and into art like me. He is really interested in me.

Everything I like etc. My life etc. I told him about my Kundalini and

everything about me that some normal people would think weird, but he

was totally alright with it. He said that he isn't religious either

and he had OBEs before. He mentioned seeing a ghost when he was a

teenager. He loves talking to me. We enjoy talking to each other. He

is super sweet that I can get super used to being treated special

because I deserve it. He is definitely everything Chris is not. Not

that I am comparing them. When I was creating a list of things to

appreciate about Chris, that was such a difficult task for me, as I

could not think much of things to appreciate except the fact that I

loved him. After reading The Ultimate Gift, it was enough for me to

have given him love without expecting him to reciprocate.

 

So, then Miss Ego kept reminding me that this new guy is 5'7,

divorced, has a kid, and he's half Latino and half something else. She

kept referring to his picture whether I would be attracted to this

guy. Then I thought about those times when I did meet some real nice

guys, but rejected them because they did not meet Miss Ego's

standards. I asked myself what is really important? Those superficial

qualities or the sincerity and genuine heart of a person? So what if

he's divorced? It's his ex's loss. Miss Ego asked me if I am sure this

guy would be my type. I said, maybe he's not photogenic or maybe he

isn't bad looking. I'm sure that no matter what the height is or what

color he is, no one is perfect. But if he is sincere and true, you

will eventually love that person for who they are. Miss Ego said, " we

shall see, but he isn't like Chris. " It's a great thing that he isn't

like Chris. I don't want him to be like Chris. I want him to be like

me. Even before we met in person, we already missed each other

everyday as we were talking to each other on the phone everyday and he

emailed also. When I'm in school, I always think about him. I have

been absent minded. I couldn't sleep because I was excited to see him

and he was the same way.

 

So, I wrote in my gratitude journal that I am thankful that me and

this new guy hit it off and we are enjoying spending time together.

So, when we finally met, we did hit it off. I was like a teenager, as

I was super shy around him. He said that I was clammed up. I couldn't

even look at him in the eye. I was nervous and shaking. But I

eventually warmed up. He hugged me. He has 2 cute long haired cats. I

love cats. Oh, by the way, told me to find a fire sign like me

since I am a Leo. He is also a Leo. Our birthdays are 4 days apart. I

saw his paintings. His 2 brothers are also artists and another brother

is in Multimedia like myself.

 

Right now he is going through some difficult time dealing with his

court battle with the ex-wife. He's been depressed, so I lent him my

book and DVD of The Secret. I'm also giving him some alone time for

himself and I have finals this week anyway.

 

I also received Chandi's published book called " From Om to Orgasm "

that just came out – she sent it to me. I have the same book when it

was still in a binder before she had published it last year. I have

read the book so many times before but nothing clicked until I re-read

again a few days ago. I realized that I have been living in an

illusion with regards to Chris. I truly believe that my relationship

with Chris is a karmic relationship. I've known that even before but I

am stubborn. The description about choosing the right partner in this

book also brought me to my senses.

 

I'm sorry again for being super stubborn. By the way, I have finally

taken down the manifestation grid from my ceiling last April. Luckily,

our ceiling is still intact. Sorry this declaration is so lengthy. I

hope I didn't put anyone to sleep. I just want to surrender my ego,

Maya and Chris now from taking over myself.

 

One last request. Can you please pray for my friend Joseph Reyes with

his court battle with his ex wife. The judge is not being fair. The

judge is a very good friend of his ex-wife's father, so the judge

granted all of her wishes. I think this is very unfair. There are more

court battle on schedule. Please add him and the judge (I don't know

his name) on your prayer list that he may be granted a fair

settlement. Send Joseph some positive energy to lift his spirit up.

Please also pray for me as I have finals this week. I have a

presentation tomorrow in my Art Appreciation class and exams on Thursday.

 

Thank you for reading and for your patience.

 

Always,

Anne

[Guest guest]

By the way, he also loves to sing like me.

 

I guess I didn't really have to go to an art gallery or museum to find

him. He was sent to me. That's really interesting. Thanks Chrism!

 

Anne