Guest guest Posted August 13, 2008 Report Share Posted August 13, 2008 Hi..I wrote this on my blog site today...it relates a little to living from K...its another long one... I fought reality yesterday and I suffered because of that. The funny thing is, I couldn't see how I was fighting it and only when I found my anger did I realize the fight. Getting to know myself is a long, complicated, challenging and fascinating affair. ( I have always had a weakness for affairs..ha!..) There are a few things at play. One is my kundalini process, which has been hitting block after block for the last 2 ½ years. Slowly my body is increasing its ability to handle larger amounts of energy that are moving through it. I have had to learn how to work with this energy, and how to exist and think in ways that are compatible with it. The only way is to be radically open to the moment, without any attachments to the past or the future.(this doesnt mean I dont havevision or intention). When I get caught up in attachments, I block my ability to be fully present and fully open to what is happening now in the moment, and the energy in my body then gets blocked and can't move. I start to feel this as pain, as fatigue, as tension. I have no choice but to unconditionally acknowledge the perfection of this moment, because if I don't, I get into knots and it hurts. I have been getting caught up in a desperate grasp for past dreams and happiness the last few days, and there is a part of me that wishes to capture paradise lost. The reality is that those moments are just memories. They are not what is happening now, and if I compare them to current reality, I reduce this moment to being incapable of offering me sufficient happiness. I pray often to God to guide me and to help me fulfill my dreams. I am earnestly seeking a living, communicative relationship with my higher self, with the universal intelligence. I fall into frustration when I perceive no response to my prayers and to my requests for guidance. I go through the following process 1. Maybe I am not aware enough to hear or receive the guidance. 2. Maybe its been given in a form that I cannot recognize. 3. Maybe the spiritual teachers have lied when they have said that guidance is always given. 4. I ask God why I don't get a reply. Then, there have been other times when guidance has been immediate; when I have heard voices in my head, when fortune and opportunity has arisen. Reflecting though, I realize that I am fighting with reality. First, I drop into the `child' voice of disempowerment, seeking for a theistic authority to guide me. I think reality should be other than I think it is. I feel quite depressed. Then, the depression reveals itself to be driven by anger, and I find that I am angry that I am not heard. I am angry at not getting my way, and it's an old childhood script that plays out. I had some dreams. 'A young man is complaining and bitter because he doesn't have the resources to do what he wants to do. I am with a handsome rich artist, and then a talented sportsman. They are getting all the girls.' Getting stuck in the dualistic mind (wanting and not having; comparing; being a victim; having and not wanting) seems to be a huge impediment to Spirit in my life. Increasingly I suspect that Spirit doesn't act just to make me feel good and appease my childish wanting, no matter how much I implore it in my infantile states. Spirit is a tough teacher, and the way to happiness is to drop the wanting and relax into the present. That' seems to be my lesson. In my openness I am more receptive. Besides, when I am open, I am surprisingly happy and content. I still don't always understand the process of prayer though. All I know for sure today is that when I resist reality, I suffer. With kundalini, that resistance is magnified and felt with a greater intensity. For my sanity and my health, I have no choice but to relax, to end my fight. Things are as they are. That's just the way of things. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I end my suffering. Suffering can be described as resistance to what is, and resistance manifests as emotionally driven thinking that things should be otherwise. Ending resistance ends suffering..ha.. I have found using Genpo Roshi's Big Mind process to be useful (or rather, to use aspects of it as voice dialogue). Getting to know the egoic voices lets me step out of them a litte easier. If I dont know how I am stuck, how can I get out? fluidity Bruce Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 13, 2008 Report Share Posted August 13, 2008 Well Bruce i feel for you because for awhile,until today, i felt lost just like you. " 1. Maybe I am not aware enough to hear or receive the guidance. 2. Maybe its been given in a form that I cannot recognize. 3. Maybe the spiritual teachers have lied when they have said that guidance is always given. 4. I ask God why I don't get a reply. " love,nicole , " bruce_oom " <bruce_oom wrote: > > Hi..I wrote this on my blog site today...it relates a little to > living from K...its another long one... > > > I fought reality yesterday and I suffered because of that. The funny > thing is, I couldn't see how I was fighting it and only when I found > my anger did I realize the fight. Getting to know myself is a long, > complicated, challenging and fascinating affair. ( I have always had > a weakness for affairs..ha!..) > > > There are a few things at play. One is my kundalini process, which > has been hitting block after block for the last 2 ½ years. Slowly my > body is increasing its ability to handle larger amounts of energy > that are moving through it. I have had to learn how to work with this > energy, and how to exist and think in ways that are compatible with > it. The only way is to be radically open to the moment, without any > attachments to the past or the future.(this doesnt mean I dont > havevision or intention). When I get caught up in attachments, I > block my ability to be fully present and fully open to what is > happening now in the moment, and the energy in my body then gets > blocked and can't move. I start to feel this as pain, as fatigue, as > tension. I have no choice but to unconditionally acknowledge the > perfection of this moment, because if I don't, I get into knots and > it hurts. > > > I have been getting caught up in a desperate grasp for past dreams > and happiness the last few days, and there is a part of me that > wishes to capture paradise lost. The reality is that those moments > are just memories. They are not what is happening now, and if I > compare them to current reality, I reduce this moment to being > incapable of offering me sufficient happiness. I pray often to God to > guide me and to help me fulfill my dreams. I am earnestly seeking a > living, communicative relationship with my higher self, with the > universal intelligence. I fall into frustration when I perceive no > response to my prayers and to my requests for guidance. I go through > the following process > > 1. Maybe I am not aware enough to hear or receive the guidance. > 2. Maybe its been given in a form that I cannot recognize. > 3. Maybe the spiritual teachers have lied when they have said that > guidance is always given. > 4. I ask God why I don't get a reply. > > > Then, there have been other times when guidance has been immediate; > when I have heard voices in my head, when fortune and opportunity has > arisen. Reflecting though, I realize that I am fighting with reality. > First, I drop into the `child' voice of disempowerment, seeking for a > theistic authority to guide me. I think reality should be other than > I think it is. I feel quite depressed. Then, the depression reveals > itself to be driven by anger, and I find that I am angry that I am > not heard. I am angry at not getting my way, and it's an old > childhood script that plays out. I had some dreams. > > > 'A young man is complaining and bitter because he doesn't have the > resources to do what he wants to do. > > > I am with a handsome rich artist, and then a talented sportsman. They > are getting all the girls.' > > > Getting stuck in the dualistic mind (wanting and not having; > comparing; being a victim; having and not wanting) seems to be a huge > impediment to Spirit in my life. Increasingly I suspect that Spirit > doesn't act just to make me feel good and appease my childish > wanting, no matter how much I implore it in my infantile states. > Spirit is a tough teacher, and the way to happiness is to drop the > wanting and relax into the present. That' seems to be my lesson. In > my openness I am more receptive. Besides, when I am open, I am > surprisingly happy and content. > > > I still don't always understand the process of prayer though. All I > know for sure today is that when I resist reality, I suffer. With > kundalini, that resistance is magnified and felt with a greater > intensity. For my sanity and my health, I have no choice but to > relax, to end my fight. Things are as they are. That's just the way > of things. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I end my suffering. > Suffering can be described as resistance to what is, and resistance > manifests as emotionally driven thinking that things should be > otherwise. Ending resistance ends suffering..ha.. > > I have found using Genpo Roshi's Big Mind process to be useful (or > rather, to use aspects of it as voice dialogue). Getting to know the > egoic voices lets me step out of them a litte easier. If I dont know > how I am stuck, how can I get out? > > fluidity > Bruce > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 13, 2008 Report Share Posted August 13, 2008 Ah Bruce I have many similar struggles and thoughts... For me I know when I'm in gratitude, appreciation, joy or prayer- even if there is no instant gratification of earthly desires, one benefit is not being in complaining, whining, worrying or other negative spins of the mind. I too continually have to return to that trust and surrender that all is as it should be, and I am where I am for reasons like to learn the lessons that will bring me further along and closer to all that is. Another thought that keeps occuring to me lately is about using the gifts I have before more can possibly be given. What use is a chorus of angels coming down from heaven, dancing in front of us and singing in our ears if we can't follow our own common sense? You are not alone in your struggles! be well, bradly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 13, 2008 Report Share Posted August 13, 2008 hey Bradly, ha...so true... > Another thought that keeps occuring to me lately is about using the > gifts I have before more can possibly be given. What use is a chorus of > angels coming down from heaven, dancing in front of us and singing in > our ears if we can't follow our own common sense? > > You are not alone in your struggles! > > be well, bradly > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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