Very disturbed

[Guest guest]

I almost didn't mention this to the whole group because I am ashamed of this, but I thought it might help others and I know I won't be judged for it here.

My husband, daughter and I went away this past week with my father. I need to explain a little background for this to make sense. My stepfather raised me since I was 3 and I consider him my "real" father. My biological father and I have never had a real father-daughter relationship and for many years I did not speak to him at all. There is a long complicated story but I will just leave it at - when I was 23 I started having a relationship with my biological father again. It's been awkward a lot and I consider him more of an uncle than a father figure.

After my car accident a few years ago something came up that caused me to vent out all the things he did when I was a small child that hurt me. We hashed it out, I forgave him and we moved on. Our relationship has been the best it ever has since then.

When we were leaving to go home from our trip my father said "I love you" and I said it back. But at that moment, I was struck by the fact that I don't know if I love my father! I felt sick inside and I have cried a few time since yesterday about it. I haven't even mentioned it to my husband yet because I can't get the words out. I was able to type this message out, but I can't speak these words out loud yet.

I feel sick to my stomach and I am angry with myself, wonder what is wrong with me. How does one deal with something like this? Is this part of my K process working things out? I seem to be going through a spate of Shakti throwing my weaknesses (the ones I didn't think I had, lol) in my path recently.

Thanks for listening, any suggestions would be appreciated.

Sarita

[Guest guest]

HONORING our fathers and mothers is different from loving them............

 

 

Julie--- On Mon, 8/18/08, Sarita <sarita1969 wrote:

Sarita <sarita1969 Very disturbed Date: Monday, August 18, 2008, 1:07 PM

 

 

 

I almost didn't mention this to the whole group because I am ashamed of this, but I thought it might help others and I know I won't be judged for it here.

My husband, daughter and I went away this past week with my father. I need to explain a little background for this to make sense. My stepfather raised me since I was 3 and I consider him my "real" father. My biological father and I have never had a real father-daughter relationship and for many years I did not speak to him at all. There is a long complicated story but I will just leave it at - when I was 23 I started having a relationship with my biological father again. It's been awkward a lot and I consider him more of an uncle than a father figure.

After my car accident a few years ago something came up that caused me to vent out all the things he did when I was a small child that hurt me. We hashed it out, I forgave him and we moved on. Our relationship has been the best it ever has since then.

When we were leaving to go home from our trip my father said "I love you" and I said it back. But at that moment, I was struck by the fact that I don't know if I love my father! I felt sick inside and I have cried a few time since yesterday about it. I haven't even mentioned it to my husband yet because I can't get the words out. I was able to type this message out, but I can't speak these words out loud yet.

I feel sick to my stomach and I am angry with myself, wonder what is wrong with me. How does one deal with something like this? Is this part of my K process working things out? I seem to be going through a spate of Shakti throwing my weaknesses (the ones I didn't think I had, lol) in my path recently.

Thanks for listening, any suggestions would be appreciated.

Sarita

[Guest guest]

Aww, Sarita....did you see my post? Sounds like we are both wrestling with the dark emotions here lately. I can understand why you question your feelings about your birth father, knowing a little about your history with him. He caught you by surprise when he told you he loves you, didn't he?

 

Claudia--- On Mon, 8/18/08, Sarita <sarita1969 wrote:

Sarita <sarita1969 Very disturbed Date: Monday, August 18, 2008, 2:07 PM

 

 

 

I almost didn't mention this to the whole group because I am ashamed of this, but I thought it might help others and I know I won't be judged for it here.

My husband, daughter and I went away this past week with my father. I need to explain a little background for this to make sense. My stepfather raised me since I was 3 and I consider him my "real" father. My biological father and I have never had a real father-daughter relationship and for many years I did not speak to him at all. There is a long complicated story but I will just leave it at - when I was 23 I started having a relationship with my biological father again. It's been awkward a lot and I consider him more of an uncle than a father figure.

After my car accident a few years ago something came up that caused me to vent out all the things he did when I was a small child that hurt me. We hashed it out, I forgave him and we moved on. Our relationship has been the best it ever has since then.

When we were leaving to go home from our trip my father said "I love you" and I said it back. But at that moment, I was struck by the fact that I don't know if I love my father! I felt sick inside and I have cried a few time since yesterday about it. I haven't even mentioned it to my husband yet because I can't get the words out. I was able to type this message out, but I can't speak these words out loud yet.

I feel sick to my stomach and I am angry with myself, wonder what is wrong with me. How does one deal with something like this? Is this part of my K process working things out? I seem to be going through a spate of Shakti throwing my weaknesses (the ones I didn't think I had, lol) in my path recently.

Thanks for listening, any suggestions would be appreciated.

Sarita

[Guest guest]

I had a somewhat similar experience in my life many years ago when

kundalini activated within me for the first time . I also had a father

who left my mother and i when I was only 1 year old . My mother gave

me a picture of him with me , when i was older . I kept this picture

and would always wonder of meeting him but could never get up the

courage . After my awakening , kundalini really amplified this emotion

and desire of meeting my father but i would not listen . I finally had

no choice but to listen as the emotions were really building up within

me .

 

I went to meet him but in turn I found out that he died three month

prior to that day . This caused much turmoil within me and took many

years to heal from . It sounds to me your father is reaching out to

you but maybe you still need time to heal before fully embracing him .

I do not see anything wrong with you at all and the emotional scaring

that you endured over the years will need time to heal . I would be

open and honest with your father if it were me . Let him know of your

emotions and how you feel with him reaching out to you . I am sure

kundalini is amplifying your emotions in a way to let you know that

there is healing to be done in that area .

 

I only wish i had listen to my thoughts and emotions instead of

falling to fear and ignoring them for so long . Lessons to be learned

and that was my first after kundalini awakening within me .

 

blessings

[Guest guest]

Hi Sarita,

 

I have a suggestion. Don't be so hard on yourself! We all have a

built in reflex to say " I love you " when someone says it to us. The

words are out before we can even think about them. Your relationship

with your father has been ambivalent at best. There are a lot of

things to understand and you are putting in the work to get there.

Think of your words as an aspiration and not a contract.

 

I think this is all part of how Shakti teaches us inner ethics. We

get in places that are dual in nature, in this case, do I love him, do

I not. Our human brain wants one or the other, but for Shakti I

suspect it is both; and when we understand both answers it allows us

to experience something deeper.

 

Peter

 

 

 

, " Sarita "

<sarita1969 wrote:

>

>

> I almost didn't mention this to the whole group because I am ashamed of

> this, but I thought it might help others and I know I won't be judged

> for it here.

[Guest guest]

Go easy on yourself Sarita there is no need for guilt or anger towards

these feelings. Shakti is indeed highlighting for you some issues that

require you attention.

 

Merely this nothing more. You are being given an opportunity to

release some more blockage about the emotional rift. And as you think

about it and feel it these issues will come into focus and you can

indeed begin the forgiving process.

 

Everthing is " right " about this Sarita. It is a good and healthy self

review. Nice work! And I know it " is " work! - many blessings to you

and both of your fathers. - chrism

[Guest guest]

hi sarita , my mother hated men..

she refused even to tell my my fathers name even on her deathbed

i forgave her, comming to terms with the fact i'd never know

a father figure..

 

maybe you feel if you love your biological father that you are being

disloyal to the man that raised you ...

 

you are not love is love!

you will have different sorts of love for them both ,

look at your children , you love them, equally but each in a different

way..

 

your 2 fathers are there, alive,and willing to have a relationship

with you, feel blessed, and allow your feelings to flow..

 

paula..

[Guest guest]

Sarita: this resonated with me muchly - i had a very difficult time

with my father - it was not until i was 35 that i realized that i

loved him for being the wise man he was but i really did not like how

he acted-

 

all my life i had hated/loved him and felt sooooo guilty - how can

one hate/love at the same time but at 35 i knew that there was a good

man in the flesh but one who needed to work on things in his life -

 

i did not attend his funeral - i chose not to go for i just could not

handle honoring a man who was not accepting of me - i knew that i

would pay big time for my choice karmically yet i accepted that

payback-

 

now i realize that he was a very special man - he sired a k daughter -

in my way of thinking that is really an honor - but he never knew or

perhaps he did and did not know how to handle me -

 

i love my father for being my father - for being the good man he

tried to be yet i hate the way he only gave me conditional love - he

did his best - i do my best

 

it is ok to not feel the love - sometimes it takes the understanding

before the feelings can be acknowledged-and sometimes it just takes

repeating the words over and over -

 

think it say it believe it feel it

 

you are far to hard on yourself - your father and step father are

very fortunate men to have you in their lives - know that you are

love personified - you are a gift to both of them

 

e

 

, " Sarita "

<sarita1969 wrote:

>

>

> I almost didn't mention this to the whole group because I am

ashamed of

> this, but I thought it might help others and I know I won't be

judged

> for it here.

>

> My husband, daughter and I went away this past week with my

father. I

> need to explain a little background for this to make sense. My

> stepfather raised me since I was 3 and I consider him my " real "

father.

> My biological father and I have never had a real father-daughter

> relationship and for many years I did not speak to him at all.

There is

> a long complicated story but I will just leave it at - when I was

23 I

> started having a relationship with my biological father again. It's

> been awkward a lot and I consider him more of an uncle than a father

> figure.

>

> After my car accident a few years ago something came up that caused

me

> to vent out all the things he did when I was a small child that

hurt me.

> We hashed it out, I forgave him and we moved on. Our relationship

has

> been the best it ever has since then.

>

> When we were leaving to go home from our trip my father said " I love

> you " and I said it back. But at that moment, I was struck by the

fact

> that I don't know if I love my father! I felt sick inside and I

have

> cried a few time since yesterday about it. I haven't even

mentioned it

> to my husband yet because I can't get the words out. I was able to

type

> this message out, but I can't speak these words out loud yet.

>

> I feel sick to my stomach and I am angry with myself, wonder what is

> wrong with me. How does one deal with something like this? Is this

> part of my K process working things out? I seem to be going

through a

> spate of Shakti throwing my weaknesses (the ones I didn't think I

had,

> lol) in my path recently.

>

> Thanks for listening, any suggestions would be appreciated.

>

> Sarita

>

[Guest guest]

Beloved Sarita,

 

If he needed your help would you help him? If he hurt would you

feel it? If he cried would your heart be touched?

 

What is love? Are you expecting a warm, deep response of tenderness

towards him? There are different kinds and depths of love.

 

To me loving is seeking the highest good of another, and there are

many ways of experiencing and giving that.

 

" I love you " can be so many things. Let it be what you would like it

to be, and know there is always room to grow into it.

 

Hugs and Love,

dhyana

 

 

, " Sarita "

<sarita1969 wrote:

I forgave him and we moved on. Our relationship has

> been the best it ever has since then.

>

> When we were leaving to go home from our trip my father said " I love

> you " and I said it back. But at that moment, I was struck by the fact

> that I don't know if I love my father!

[Guest guest]

Again, biblically, we are to "love our neighbor", and "Honor our father and mother"....It took me a long time to understand why I did not feel love for a man who was controlling, abusive, distant, and loved me conditionally. To sire a child is NOT a father....that is a biological process. To be a father is the one who is THERE for you. For you, dear child, hold no resentment in your heart. Pray for him. And forgive....YOU have no guilt..............

 

Blessings,

Julie--- On Mon, 8/18/08, . wrote:

. Re: Very disturbed Date: Monday, August 18, 2008, 7:31 PM

 

 

Sarita: this resonated with me muchly - i had a very difficult time with my father - it was not until i was 35 that i realized that i loved him for being the wise man he was but i really did not like how he acted-all my life i had hated/loved him and felt sooooo guilty - how can one hate/love at the same time but at 35 i knew that there was a good man in the flesh but one who needed to work on things in his life - i did not attend his funeral - i chose not to go for i just could not handle honoring a man who was not accepting of me - i knew that i would pay big time for my choice karmically yet i accepted that payback- now i realize that he was a very special man - he sired a k daughter -in my way of thinking that is really an honor - but he never knew or perhaps he did and did not know how to handle me - i love my father for being my father - for being the good man he tried

to be yet i hate the way he only gave me conditional love - he did his best - i do my best it is ok to not feel the love - sometimes it takes the understanding before the feelings can be acknowledged- and sometimes it just takes repeating the words over and over - think it say it believe it feel it you are far to hard on yourself - your father and step father are very fortunate men to have you in their lives - know that you are love personified - you are a gift to both of them eKundalini-Awakening -Systems- 1 , "Sarita" <sarita1969@ ...> wrote:>> > I almost didn't mention this to the whole group because I am ashamed of> this, but I thought it might help others and I know I won't be judged> for it here.> > My

husband, daughter and I went away this past week with my father. I> need to explain a little background for this to make sense. My> stepfather raised me since I was 3 and I consider him my "real" father. > My biological father and I have never had a real father-daughter> relationship and for many years I did not speak to him at all. There is> a long complicated story but I will just leave it at - when I was 23 I> started having a relationship with my biological father again. It's> been awkward a lot and I consider him more of an uncle than a father> figure.> > After my car accident a few years ago something came up that caused me> to vent out all the things he did when I was a small child that hurt me.> We hashed it out, I forgave him and we moved on. Our relationship has> been the best it ever has since then.> > When we

were leaving to go home from our trip my father said "I love> you" and I said it back. But at that moment, I was struck by the fact> that I don't know if I love my father! I felt sick inside and I have> cried a few time since yesterday about it. I haven't even mentioned it> to my husband yet because I can't get the words out. I was able to type> this message out, but I can't speak these words out loud yet.> > I feel sick to my stomach and I am angry with myself, wonder what is> wrong with me. How does one deal with something like this? Is this> part of my K process working things out? I seem to be going through a> spate of Shakti throwing my weaknesses (the ones I didn't think I had,> lol) in my path recently.> > Thanks for listening, any suggestions would be appreciated.> >

Sarita>

[Guest guest]

Thank you Chris. I am sorry to hear of the situation with your own father.

I realized something while reading your words. I have kept my father at arms length since we started up our relationship again. I have never allowed him to get too close, maybe because I was abandoned by him as a child and continuously disappointed. Maybe a fear that he will let me down again and if I don't get too close, I can't get hurt. Yes, the K bringing this up for review to encourage me to move forward.

Sarita

, "Chris_H" <chghes1 wrote:>> I had a somewhat similar experience in my life many years ago when> kundalini activated within me for the first time . I also had a father> who left my mother and i when I was only 1 year old . My mother gave> me a picture of him with me , when i was older . I kept this picture> and would always wonder of meeting him but could never get up the> courage .

[Guest guest]

Thanks Peter, you're right. I tend to be very hard on myself when things like this come up. Maybe that's part of my lesson here, to forgive myself for what I do/don't feel. I think a part of me blames myself for him deserting me. This emotional churning is hard work, but I know that it is necessary in my process. Can't wait until I can look at it in the rear view...

Sarita

, "peter.nichols" <peter wrote:>> Hi Sarita,> > I have a suggestion. Don't be so hard on yourself! We all have a> built in reflex to say "I love you" when someone says it to us. The> words are out before we can even think about them. Your relationship> with your father has been ambivalent at best. There are a lot of> things to understand and you are putting in the work to get there. > Think of your words as an aspiration and not a contract.> > I think this is all part of how Shakti teaches us inner ethics. We> get in places that are dual in nature, in this case, do I love him, do> I not. Our human brain wants one or the other, but for Shakti I> suspect it is both; and when we understand both answers it allows us> to experience something deeper.> > Peter

[Guest guest]

Thanks Chrism, I am starting to see that this is all coming up for a reason. I'm really glad I shared it. Just the act of writing it out has helped me start the healing process.

Sarita

, "chrism" <> wrote:>> Go easy on yourself Sarita there is no need for guilt or anger towards > these feelings. Shakti is indeed highlighting for you some issues that > require you attention. > > Merely this nothing more. You are being given an opportunity to > release some more blockage about the emotional rift. And as you think > about it and feel it these issues will come into focus and you can > indeed begin the forgiving process.> > Everthing is "right" about this Sarita. It is a good and healthy self > review. Nice work! And I know it "is" work! - many blessings to you > and both of your fathers. - chrism>

[Guest guest]

Talking about relationships with your parents, I see everyone one who

has responded as blessed and very lucky to have the relationship you

have or had.

I do not remember not one time growing up having either of my parents

ever say they loved me or any of my brothers and sister. The way I

saw it, to my dad we were his as commodities, farm hands. There were

no hugs and kisses ever given out. Just critizisms of how no good and

worthless we were. I did see my mom cry once when she though my baby

sister had fallen in the well. From that experience I knew she cared,

at least for my youngest sister.

 

I went to my dad's funneral, but I didn't cry, there were just no

tears in me for him at the time.

 

After becoming a christian I was taken through the fogiveness

prossess by spirit, especially after being baptized with the Holy

Spirit. One night I sat down to eat supper and looked over at James

and instead of James it was my dad setting there. The dam broke and

all those repressed emotions came flooding out. I cried and released

and forgave him for days and days over and over. But still some

things are coming up even recently and I have to forgive all over

again.

 

As for my mom I did not have much feeling of unforgivness towards

her, but there wasn't much love exchanged. She was the person who

birthed me into this exixtence. I begain telling her I loved her and

would give her a hugs everytime I visited, even though I wasn't

feeling much love for her nor her love for me. The first time, and

really for a long time (many years actually) she could not hug back

or tell me she love me back. She would just stiffen up. I never gave

up. It wasn't until about 5 years ago that she finally said out loud

that she love and hugged me back. She hugs and tells all of us she

loves us now. The love flows. Sometimes it just take a little time.

 

Sarita, just give your love time to grow and not worry about not

feeling much right now. It will come as you are able to open up

towards him.

 

Linda

 

 

, " "

. wrote:

>

> Sarita: this resonated with me muchly - i had a very difficult

time

> with my father - it was not until i was 35 that i realized that i

> loved him for being the wise man he was but i really did not like

how

> he acted-

>

> all my life i had hated/loved him and felt sooooo guilty - how can

> one hate/love at the same time but at 35 i knew that there was a

good

> man in the flesh but one who needed to work on things in his life -

>

> i did not attend his funeral - i chose not to go for i just could

not

> handle honoring a man who was not accepting of me - i knew that i

> would pay big time for my choice karmically yet i accepted that

> payback-

>

> now i realize that he was a very special man - he sired a k

daughter -

> in my way of thinking that is really an honor - but he never knew

or

> perhaps he did and did not know how to handle me -

>

> i love my father for being my father - for being the good man he

> tried to be yet i hate the way he only gave me conditional love -

he

> did his best - i do my best

>

> it is ok to not feel the love - sometimes it takes the

understanding

> before the feelings can be acknowledged-and sometimes it just takes

> repeating the words over and over -

>

> think it say it believe it feel it

>

> you are far to hard on yourself - your father and step father are

> very fortunate men to have you in their lives - know that you are

> love personified - you are a gift to both of them

>

> e

>

> , " Sarita "

> <sarita1969@> wrote:

> >

> >

> > I almost didn't mention this to the whole group because I am

> ashamed of

> > this, but I thought it might help others and I know I won't be

> judged

> > for it here.

> >

> > My husband, daughter and I went away this past week with my

> father. I

> > need to explain a little background for this to make sense. My

> > stepfather raised me since I was 3 and I consider him my " real "

> father.

> > My biological father and I have never had a real father-daughter

> > relationship and for many years I did not speak to him at all.

> There is

> > a long complicated story but I will just leave it at - when I

was

> 23 I

> > started having a relationship with my biological father again.

It's

> > been awkward a lot and I consider him more of an uncle than a

father

> > figure.

> >

> > After my car accident a few years ago something came up that

caused

> me

> > to vent out all the things he did when I was a small child that

> hurt me.

> > We hashed it out, I forgave him and we moved on. Our

relationship

> has

> > been the best it ever has since then.

> >

> > When we were leaving to go home from our trip my father said " I

love

> > you " and I said it back. But at that moment, I was struck by the

> fact

> > that I don't know if I love my father! I felt sick inside and I

> have

> > cried a few time since yesterday about it. I haven't even

> mentioned it

> > to my husband yet because I can't get the words out. I was able

to

> type

> > this message out, but I can't speak these words out loud yet.

> >

> > I feel sick to my stomach and I am angry with myself, wonder what

is

> > wrong with me. How does one deal with something like this? Is

this

> > part of my K process working things out? I seem to be going

> through a

> > spate of Shakti throwing my weaknesses (the ones I didn't think I

> had,

> > lol) in my path recently.

> >

> > Thanks for listening, any suggestions would be appreciated.

> >

> > Sarita

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I have said over and over again, spiritual growth isn't all hearts and flowers,

bliss and happy feelings. When we get deeper and deeper we should find our dark

spots and shadows, thats great spring cleaning, and we should embrace those

feelings as much as we relish in the good times (isn't that what developement is

leading us towrds, being stable in the light or dark?)

 

I do not have over whelming loving feelings for my mother, I say " I love you " at

the end of messages but do not really feel it in my heart as we have not had a

relationship for years, we cannot force our emotions and no guilt should be

felt.

Strong feelings of love come from history and communications shared, they are

not genetic.

 

I don't see anything wrong with your feelings, how can feelings be wrong?

you just work out what you need to inside yourself and let what comes come

naturally.

 

Love you sweety

elektra x x x

 

Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry to hear that you didn't get to know your father Paula. For me I think it is more of being afraid to put myself out there since he has let me down so many times throughout my life. I don't think I would have made these realizations as quickly if not for all the thoughtful responses I have received so far.

Welcome back by the way!

Sarita

, "alayafire" <ari.reza wrote:>> hi sarita , my mother hated men..> she refused even to tell my my fathers name even on her deathbed > i forgave her, comming to terms with the fact i'd never know > a father figure..> > maybe you feel if you love your biological father that you are being > disloyal to the man that raised you ...> > you are not love is love!> you will have different sorts of love for them both , > look at your children , you love them, equally but each in a different > way..> > your 2 fathers are there, alive,and willing to have a relationship > with you, feel blessed, and allow your feelings to flow..> > paula..>

[Guest guest]

go for it sarita, banish your fears and have no regrets

shakti's at your back

 

not having a father , was the catalyist that began my quest, i

discovered we are all looking for the father , the divine ,

and my search lost its, lonliness...

 

i'll never know the father in the flesh form but just maybe one day

the divine father and i will be one ,united through kundalini ..

 

thanks for sharing sarita, you took us all a step deeper for doing it.

 

paula ...