New... - Hello Lock

October 2, 2008

I've reached causality once already, I've been to the place where what you want is made incarnate by will alone. That's part of where i went my first time. Luckily i was there, because if i wasn't half of my face, my left arm and most of my torso would still probably be stuck to the road i got dragged down... And don't worry, it took a bit, but i've stopped my recreational usage for the most part but can't make any promises about the future (I'm a raver through and through), my opinions on what is responsible and what is addiction might be a little more liberal than most but i do know adiction when i see it (i think), and have been responsibly clean for maybe eight months or so? and pretty much completely clean for more than a couple months now (except that one time we were drinking at a friend's house last week :-P Hey hey hey, we got

some pretty hilarious samples for mixing out of that, it was totally worth it hehe). The thing that triggered it was definitly the L$D, and as much as i loved it before, there's probably very little chance i'll be able to enjoy the experiance again. In fact i originally thought it was just a bad trip you know, so i tried tripping again one more time after the, awakening i guess i should call it, and it wasn't as bad as the first time, but there was definitly a point when i was made aware of lots of stuff... After that point i started trying to figure out what happened to me, and slowly over time began to think again that it was all just in my head, bad tripping and stuff, but then i was at the dorms at the local college with some friends, and everyone there burns, it's hawaii, of course everyone burns, in fact i know some of the top students in the math and physics programs who wouldn't study without mj! hehe, but anyway, while at

their dorm, bowl in hand, it all came back to me again, and this one was the most scary, because i could feel reality warping around me, and it didn't involved psychedelics (is that word ok for the group?). I could see everything slow down, peoples words became unintelligible, but their intentions or vibe i guess you could call it shone through, they all became not several people, but a few potentials, (another way of describing it would be i began to process the information of who they were, instead of as individual people, but recognized by the powers that controlled them, and some people had one controller while others had another) and all those potentials' attentions were on me, telling me to get the hell out of there! When that happened everyone leaned or bent out of the way in make way for me, although not one said a word or even looked at me. To this day not one of them as ever asked why i ran out of the room without saying

anything and drove home, and they're all good friends! (i did pass by someone who was on the way up to the room already on the way to the car and mentioned i was going home, which might have been a valid enough explanation for them, but i would't think so, that, and they were all super baked hehe). Ever since that last time though, it's been happening sober. for about a month after that last time i've had problems looking people in the eye because sometimes that triggers it again and heaven forbid someone wink at me, i think i'd break down into sobs of fear if i was ever winked at by someone i was making eye contact with.This whole thing is just too crazy for me to seriously consider, i'm horrible with issues of faith and belief in anything that's beyond my five senses. I mean, the conceptual has never given me any problems, but everything in conceptual space has equal value, it's like looking at hypothetical things, (as if

to say i have no problem saying, "well assuming this is true, then this would be true etc...") but to actual put faith in something? To actually say i truly believe something to be completely correct? Well i'd have to believe in universal morals to believe that! I don't know if i can do that, all i know is that at a fundimental level, something's happening. The fact that whatever it is, where ever it is, when ever it is, and why ever it is, are all positions taken out of faith to me, and i am ye of little faith but some what critical analyissis. Man am i rambeling :-P. Maybe after a while of writing these messages i'll start oganizing my thoughts into cohesive structures. For now though, it's just nice to be able to talk about this. How could i ever tell my friends what it's like to die? What it's like in hell? how it feels to try to put whats left of your brain back in your skull only to find

that your arms gone, and think, "well i should put my arm back together then" and feel the resounding pain of it being scraped back together? like the sandpaper effect of the road on my body in reverse, only to realise it was just my head, only to realise that it wasn't and i'd be pulled down the road again... and again... Maybe i shouldn't even be thinking about this stuff, focus on the positive right? I used to have these three things i lived by and after applying to this group last night i thought of them again and it was a shock to think of them because i hadn't in such a long time, and these things are my version of plur (which is the raver philosohpy, it stands for peace love unity and respect) but my philosophy has always been respect open mind, and positive mental aditude and remembering it last night made me almost smack myself in the face for being so dumb as to fall away from someone so easy yet so essential. But then

again, when you're in fear of experiancing death again every night because you know that's what's in store for you, it's hard to be positive sometimes... Blargh! This email's way to long and chock full of rediculous stuff, but thanks for reading it if you got this far hehe. and hope your having the most amazing week ever :-D! That'd be awesome lol.lock--- On Thu, 10/2/08, chrism <> wrote: <> Re: New... - Hello Lock Date: Thursday, October 2, 2008, 12:43 PM

Hello Lock,

Welcome. Nice to read you and your goals are very much

in harmony with the safeties.

October 2, 2008

This really struck a chord with me. When my awakening (I guess that's what it was?) started, I felt like part of me had died. My life flipped inside out, and everything seemed crazy. The ego maybe, I still feel that part is gone, and I'm glad, I was ready to move on. But it makes it harder to relate to people because they still have that part, and they think I should act the way I did when I had it too. I was hearing, seeing, and experiencing things I would have never believed. It was my little personal joke 'Well, they don't know I'm dead'. Or half dead anyway. I feel that I have one foot in the physical world and one in the spiritual world. I love it now, but when I was first that way I was still trying to treat it the way I used to treat things--tell my friends. So ackward. lol. We

believe you!--- On Thu, 10/2/08, Steve Lynch <mrcrazygonuts wrote:

Steve Lynch <mrcrazygonutsRe: Re: New... - Hello Lock Date: Thursday, October 2, 2008, 5:30 PM

How could i ever tell my friends what it's like to die?