New... (to Lock)

October 3, 2008

Lock,

Enjoyed reading your introduction and ensuing thread of welcome; you

see you are not alone. You've already been given some valuable

advice and I'll echo particularly when he says that knowledge

will dissolve the fear and the fearful manifestations and journeys.

These are tests in a way, or as we say, they mirror or " bring up to

the surface " our own, deep seated fear in order for us to deal with

it and release it, conquer it.

I also want to say that the analytical thinking need not in itself be

a hindrance or handicap, as my own awakening involved a lot of this.

I did eventually emerge from the woods, and for me the logic and

trust seemed to work in tandem. The analysis can serve as a bridge,

as can the sense of humour and positive, genuine attitude you have

already shown -- these are assets to your spiritual becoming, not

liabilities.

(I would avoid if possible, though, becoming mired in the logical

analysis; take breaks and give your brain a rest when needed.

Meditate, nature walks, etc. and trust as much as you can.)

You must remember however, that *true* scientific investigation

leaves room for *all* explanations and contingencies (not just those

accepted by conventional wisdom), so it does involve an expansive,

imaginative mindset. We get into the realm of what might be

called " theoretical science " with Kundalini and awakening processes.

So, yes, it's a good idea to keep to your creed of " open mind, " even

when the likliest answer may seem " too good to be true " and we are

too cynical or world weary to want to consider that option or too

obvious or magical or fairy tale or whatever other label of judgement

may come up.

I'd like to recommend to you a book if you have not yet read it: " The

Stormy Search for the Self " by Stanislav and Christina Grof, even

though I've only just started this book myself .

http://www.amazon.com/Stormy-Search-Self-Christina-

Grof/dp/087477649X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8 & s=books & qid=1223077688 & sr=8-1

It defines and discusses the " spiritual emergency " states that can

accompany Kundalini activation and awakening. It may not have all the

answers, but may be a place to begin.

BTW, Stanislav was an LSD researcher who compared the states of those

on LSD trips to the spiritual experiences of awakening individuals.

When his mate/writing partner, Christina first came to him, she was a

K-activated person who had some very intense experiences in altered

states; Stan was able to recognise what she was going through and

help her come through even though she had never touched drugs.

The more prominent book is " Spiritual Emergency " which the couple

edited, but " Search for the Self " was written by them and has the

awakening stories of its two authors in the beginning. (The book is

not focussed on the LSD research work I don't think, but perhaps an

earlier book can be found on that subject if you are interested in

that angle.)

Please heed Chrism's advice about haulting your own drug use,

though. This sounds like a turning point for you, and I think you

may already instinctively be coming upon your limit of taking these

chances as a K active person. It may feel like Russian roulette by

now, never knowing how your body and mind will react to things.

In any case, you are already " on " a very " special K, " and to mix

other external elements with it is to impede and alter the natural

flow. And it's more than just chemical reactions and imbalances

we're talking about.

This is about self-knowing, of stripping down, of inventory, clearing

out the unnecessary and really having a good look round inside - very

scary work indeed! You have every essential thing already for this

inner journey you are undertaking. You may well rely on your own

inner resources to take you wherever you need to go, though you may

not be in the habit of thinking this way.

The saying " We are our own worst enemy " takes on new and profound

meaning as we cross the fear thresholds. So, it's vital that we

stand strong in a place where we know from the start to the best of

our current ability, where we start and end and where something else

begins. This is an identity exercise, and coming into it with a

regime of alteration from the natural state is not useful to our

purpose.

Just another small example is that you are apparently comfortable

with the label of " crazy. " It is good naturedly in your id/email

address and you refer to being known as " crazy " by your friends and

wanting to return to that normal state again.

You may, through this search, find yourself not to be as crazy as you

have felt or identified for years, and this may in itself unsettle or

frighten you, because it constitutes a major change in thinking and

perception and relegation of experience.

Even though the identifier seems outwardly pejorative, this is now

part of the comfort of the status quo as you have used it to self

define. It may, in your context, be seen as amusing, inocuous and

humble, but it may, as any personality or ego descriptor can, be in

the way of getting at the larger truth of Who You Are. This may seem

like a minor example, but it goes to how far reaching and thorough

this " identity work " will be if we follow where it leads.

Whatever constitues impediment to the revelation of Truth in our

lives can be swept away astonishingly quickly; in an instant, even,

like a nuclear wind leveling a forest of disinformation, toppling ill-

rooted diversions, untruths and obfuscations in a matter of seconds.

They may well have appeared ornamental, amusing or in some way

vaguely useful to us before the closer, instigating inspection. On

our journey we do nothing if not *look closer* at the things we are

accustomed to not seeing.

So everything is reexamined on some level or other. Not everything

will be released or dispensed with here; but a good deal will come

into question, and this is where surrendering to the process and not

fighting it can be helpful, not identifying " as " anything too

terribly strongly.

In the end, finding the deeper, truer Reality, edging just an inch

closer to it is the ultimate trip.

Thanks for sharing your story thus far, Lock, which so many of us are

relating to (self included). I see you are asking some really useful

questions, and even beginning to answer them very intelligently. You

may feel at times like a tight rope walker fighting for just enough

balance to take the next step.

We all feel this way at times. What we don't always feel or see is

the big picture - the huge net just below our feet waiting to catch

and cradle us when we fall. When we learn to see the net, the

journey becomes a pleasure, and much easier.

Find your net. Educate yourself and, as I believe also said,

become acquainted with your (natural) self and love that self as it

truly is and as it goes through this renewal process. Un-Lock.

x,

Droxine

If you want to talk, feel free to email.

other books by Stanislav Grof:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Daps & field-

keywords=stanislav+grof

October 3, 2008

Oh my god :-D! That letter was awesome! :-3!!! Thank you so much for such an in depth response to my posts :-D! The fear seems like it'll be a problem for a while at least, but an easy way to look at it is to change the perspective, step back and observe the whole and not focus so much on the individual moment of fear, :-P. The inner joy thing helps too, but it's still really hard sometimes :-P. Where am i going to get this knowledge form though? I mean, should i start reading up on this stuff more? Or is it like, personal knowledge that my mind will make me aware of as time goes on? These tests are a little scary i'll admit, i don't want to be stuck in a state of second guessing everything i do, and doing the right thing only because i know i'll have negative repercussions if i do the wrong thing, i want to do the right

thing because it's the right thing to do! I feel like some of my conciouns is perminantly stuck on guilty to some extent :-P, but that'll change, i can feel it :-D. Thanks for the reasurance with the logical side of things, i love analizing things! and i want to be able to pull these things apart piece by piece making sense of all of them individually, and as a whole so i can better understand them, make them easily communicatable, so that i can be someone who can reasure and help other people easily when they go through things i've been through. Plus knowledge is awesome. And good point about the making sure to keep an open mind about all potential truths and explanations (including the ones i might not nessisarily like :-P). I'll have to pick up that book too, maybe even all of them eventually. I don't know if i'm going to want to get the one on psycadelics and stuff though, i'm still a little scared of those

right now. Maybe later just so i can have some more potent information to back up my reputation of knowing a few things about that cr*p (haha, there's that ugly ego showing it's face again! :-P, but it is nice to know i'm someone the kids can come and talk to about the stuff they're going to do so i can at least try and impart some saftey on them before they do really dumb stuff). And the substances yeah it's gonna be an issue for a while i think, especially with part of me still thinking that mainstream societies ideas about what's good, bad, harmful and safe are completely misguided and completely wrong. There are many studies that can be refrenced that prove everything on a lot of substances one way or the other, and the government just chooses to make light of the ones that say they do nothing but bad things, and a lot of liberal organization refrence only the ones that say they do nothing bad at all. It's a tricky subject

and it might not be the most appropriate thing to discuss on here so i'll try to keep away from it, but although my opinions on it are definitly have, and will continue to change on the matter, i'm still probably never going to believe that all substances are all bad as long as you know what you're doing and you can be honest with yourself. I definitly believe in the saying everything in moderation, including moderation :-3.The whole thing about lables, i'm not quite sure i understand completely. What's wrong with lables? They help you define things, and as long as you're not using definition by exclusion there's not that much wrong with using lables right? Does that make sense? Hmm... So definition by exclusion is not nessisarily the best idea, even though we as humans are very used to using it right? the idea of US being everyone in a certan tribe or village, and everyone else being outside of that, you

define the group as the included people, and exclude everyone else, you're defining yourself by excluding everyone else, alienting them to some extent, and that's a negative approch to the idea of defining something. So a better way of looking at it would be to use the opposite of that, defintion by.. uhh,, idk what it's called, but the idea of defining something by adding on qualifiers or descriptions or whatever youwant to call it. So we're all humans, and on top of that, we're all part of this village, and on top of that you're my brother, and on top of that you'r name is bob, that's the definition of who bob is, not, you'r name's bob because you're the only out of everyone who's named bob, and you're my brother because no one else was born out of our mother other than you and i, and you're part of this village because you grew up here as apposed to all those other people. The idea of inclusivity makes one look at the individual and

still see how everyone's still cool, at least that's my opinion on it :-P, but having said that, lables, names, titles, i like words that are funny and excentric, or imply rediculous things, because i like being rediculous :-3 i know i'm a pretty normal person as well, i have normal morals for the most part, albeit maybe a bit more clearly definied when questioned deaply (i definitly prefer the reverse golden rule to the golden rule for instance, do not do onto others as you would not have done to you makes more sense then do on to others as you would have done, but that's just splitting hairs really). But the connotations associated with words like rediculous, crazy, and awesome make me smile. I love being the thing people see dancing down the street in broad daylight in gothic black and purple phat pants with black fishnet on under a purple darkwing duck shirt that says i am the terror that flaps in the night, with my (bright purple)

dreads down and bright purple and black kandi covering my entire forearms. And right when they get close to me and frown in disapproval, i love looking at them and smiling and wishing them a lovely afternoon. It's nice to try and break the steriotypes, it's nice to walk by someone while in the midst of a conversation on quantum physics while dressing and acting the way i do, it makes people second guess their preconcieved notions of who these crazy kids are. For instance i had a conversation with a friend of mine while we were eating lunch the other day, and i had these awesome gothic bellbottom pants on that have these buckels running all the way down the sides, a black chainlink scarf on (yes the links are sewn interlocked but not attatched to each other, it's such an awesome scarf!! :-D) a black shirt on, and a black overcoat with tasteful D rings sewn into it on the back. And my friend had on some lazy punk rock type outfit

on and we were talking about responsibilty in the scene amoungst the kids and what not, and you could just tell this lady who was listening in on us was just astounded by the things we were saying (in a good way), and i bet she left there with a better opinion on us crazy kids! :-3. Man... what was i talking about? oh yeah lables. Having said all that, yeah if it is a hinderence then of course it'll be delt with in due time, but i don't think it's a hinderence, i like acting weird and expressing what i would like to express in ways that i would like to do it, and it tickles me pink when those ways of expressing and the things i express are completely off from what other people think is cool or acceptably "proper" (within good reason of course, i don't want to infringe on others in any way, in fact i'm usually the one telling everyone to be quite at house parties or when we get to roudy in public and what not, it's just impolite!)

Haha, conservatively crazy :-3 lol.Havin said all that, i am my own worst enemy! what a d*uche b*g, that lock hohoho!! lol. Seriously though, i feel the urges to give in to the easy path, to just stop going to school and dance my cares away popping god knows what because it'll be fun and easy, but what's the main problem with that kind of hedanistic behavior? Live like there's no tomorrow! But unfortunantly there usually is a tomorrow, and you'll reap what you sow for sure. Having said that, there's nothing wrong with a little indulgence from time to time, but! having said that, it bears repeating that it should be a LITTLE indulgence from TIME to TIME, not in copious amounts several times a week. How come no one ever told m- huh? what? Oh yeah! They did! it just took a while to listen hehe :-P. And fairy tales! Yay! Sorry i have a (probably unhealthy) obsession with

the fae, (a 20 year old dude with fairy posters all over his room? Yeah dude, it's bad) But whatever! fairys are awesome, and i'm a sucker for the whole concept of the fae, they are awesome indeed (and everyone thinks they're all pretty little girls with wings and stuff, but no, the real fae could get pretty rediculous and evil as well as cool, but for the most part, if you treated them with respect (and were clever enough not to do anything to dumb) they would leave you alone or at least not do anything to bad... most of the time :-P hehe, crazy fae. In fact that's kind of one of the ways i look at the way people i don't know see me. They see this glimps of this dude walking down the street in this rediculous (yet stylish and purple :-3) outfit and having a wonderful day, and being nice to everyone around him, and having generally a good vibe about him, and then they go on with their day, and then they think back to that

weird guy in all the purple they saw couldn't have been real! it must have been some sort of fairy or something hehe, i'd like to think that's how random people see me sometimes, then again that might just be my ego getting all... inflated :-P.So even though all that stuff i said about fairies and my wardrobe and ideas on definition and the things i find value in seem like steadfast opinions, (which they kind of are to some extent) i know that they're not set in stone, i have and will continue to change over time, and that's obviouse, and totally fine, but i like making people smile, and making them think, and wearing lots of awesome purple clothing :-3 so it works i guess hehe. Wow didn't expect this one to be this long, hope you had fun reading it :-D heheh. And thanks again for your reply, i had a lovely time reading it :-3. (and i need to come up with a cool thing to write at the end of my posts, any ideas

anyone?) but have a wonderful day :-D!

Enjoyed reading your introduction and ensuing thread of welcome; you

see you are not alone. You've already been given some valuable

advice and I'll echo particularly when he says that knowledge

will dissolve the fear and the fearful manifestations and journeys.

October 4, 2008

Lock,

Thanks so much for your response; I'm so glad you got something out of my post to you. You strike me as a very likeable and colourful sort :-) who has the humility, eagerness and interest to see you progress quickly, if you choose. It's nice to meet you, and now I have a mental image to peg to the name.

@@The fear seems like it'll be a problem for a while at least, but an easy way to look at it is to change the perspective, step back and observe the whole and not focus so much on the individual moment of fear@@

Ah, but this is the real trick, isn't it? Ha. The expression is "locked in fear" (no pun intended). When we have the breathing room, the expansiveness, the inner resources to do this, what you say above, then we have already begun the mastery of fear.

Fear is a narrowing of perception by definition; it needs this condition as a substrate to survive and grow. Expand your awareness in this moment and you have rendered it powerless. Go grab a sandwich and tell the fear you'll get back to it later. Ha. Sandwich: 1; fear: 0. (Hey; there's a good tagline for you.

@@Where am i going to get this knowledge form though? I mean, should i start reading up on this stuff more? Or is it like, personal knowledge that my mind will make me aware of as time goes on?@@

In my experience, both, and one will compliment the other. Because we are not educated in the West, either in school or at home, generally, on this expanded picture of Reality, we have a lot of catch up work to do.

We have access to higher knowledge in altered states and visions, but as fear is operable within these they can sometimes offer unreliable or tainted, more subjective depictions of reality reflective of inner imbalances. So, until we develop a dependable framework (and even then), it is useful to validate and supplement our own experiential knowledge with that of outside sources, be they ancient wisdom or the latest new age book.

The really incredible thing is how Spirit will lead us to the right books in the right order, either through recommendations of others coming at just the right time, browsing through a bookstore and being drawn to a couple of books or checking out Amazon.

I can't count the number of times I've been thinking on a subject or will have a dream about something and the next day or that night or whatever I'll come upon that very specific topic in the book I'm reading, so that the thoughts are expanded or underscored. The timing is phenomenal; you begin to feel very taken care of.

The info will filter through your own unique light and will settle inside you in a way unlike anyone else. You will respond to facets of truth which resonate with your being; you will be reminded of Who You Are by certain things you read and will feel reinforced, validated and relieved, really, to read things that speak to you, at last. Even though we already know this deeper stuff (on a higher level), we are all in the process of remembering it now, of remembering ourSelves.

@@These tests are a little scary i'll admit, i don't want to be stuck in a state of second guessing everything i do, and doing the right thing only because i know i'll have negative repercussions if i do the wrong thing, i want to do the right thing because it's the right thing to do! I feel like some of my consciousness is permanently stuck on guilty to some extent :-P,@@

Sounds like you're like me and really want to do the right thing, and, also like me, along the way, you would like to be truly seen and appreciated for who you are, at the core, and this may not always be the case and may be a source of frustration.

You also tend to challenge people's ideas about identity (which I can also relate to somewhat - and I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't part of your chosen life plan so this in itself may highlight this issue for you.

Identity and self knowledge, self acceptance, integrity, interaction with others, impeccability, morality, guilt, rejection - all the things that drive us and what we define ourselves as and our emotional reactions and needs - all these are interrelated to me.

If we care too much about what others think of us, we will miss seeing how we are viewing ourselves and what changes need to made there. If we think we are the most interesting person in the room, we may miss having a conversation with a great person and hearing a marvellous and inspiring life story. If we have a poor self image, we may not feel the courage to follow our dreams.

There are less obvious examples. We may feel too much responsibility for others, want too much to look after them or to please them, for example and these seemingly good proclivities can, in excess, cause imbalance.

So, it's all about truthful appraisal, constant re-evaluation, learning our lessons and adapting. It's about nuance. What is useful today may outlive its usefulness tomorrow, so we must keep checking "who am I again?" And feel free to "dress" accordingly from day to day.

"Right" and "wrong" are terms of judgement (and a matter of opinion) which can narrow our vision; I like "useful,essential" and "authentic" and "not useful," etc. because whatever propels you forward along the path (even if it's a complete reverse) is what will be right for you and for those around you, it will be what harmonises you with the highest outcome.

So, morality in the new reality becomes more practical than prescribed, more didactic than externally dictated, more liberating than restrictive. What works for you (and for those around you by extension) will be what brings about balance, what stabilises and what makes you feel authentic, grounded, loved, useful, valuable, safe, connected, part of something larger.

(A great little book of practical morality is "The Four Agreements ," by Don Miguel Ruiz.)

If we are properly in touch with our deeper self and feelings we will respond intuitively "morally," if you want to use that term, to our daily demands and interactions, without having to be told or preached to about what we "should" be doing or not doing.

When I was in the process of reformatting my own internal gauge of discernment of truth/reality, I came down to the barest, simplest approach. Whatever felt good (in my mind and body) was kept; what inspired hopelessness and made my gut clench up and hurt was (at great length) discerned to be a deviation from truth or what was useful.

When you do a right action, your reward will be immediate, compounded and unmistakable. You will feel relaxed, confident and powerful, perhaps gratified to have connected with Self or another in some meaningful or beneficial way. It will supercede any mere preventative measure or precaution. It will not be by rote because it was drilled into you in Sunday school.

Your body and emotions will tell you what feels wrong; and this is part of your inner guidance system working also. I call it "inner knowing." When the world does not offer answers for us, we must exercise our inner knowing to make decisions about how to perceive certain situations.

@@What's wrong with labels?@@

Nothing wrong, per se. What I was trying to say was that judgements and opinions can be limiting *if they are clung to* despite sufficient cause to re-evaluate those perceptions. Labelling can also limit if it keeps one from seeing attributes that may go beyond or against the label being employed.

So, it's best to be hold and apply these things with a lot of flexibility, because 1. We're so often wrong or limited in our view of what's going on, anyway, and 2. We're definitely not seeing the fuller picture from the higher level (unless we are in an exotic state of mind and receiving higher information).

I think the way you were talking you get the need for this flexibility, and how important it is not to judge and set that judgement in stone. It's healthy to be surprised at least once a day. What you say about inclusivity is very good, too.

@@Seriously though, i feel the urges to give in to the easy path, to just stop going to school and dance my cares away popping god knows what because it'll be fun and easy, but what's the main problem with that kind of hedonistic behavior?@@

The urge to lose oneself (ego or the unnecessary, outer layers) is actually a spiritual longing. At the bottom of every urge on this level, actually, is a loftier, spiritual need or propensity filtering down to the lower consciousness and manifesting as these sometimes distorted and sometimes damaging compulsions and behaviours and attitudes like addiction, self-denial, entitlement, disenfranchisement, what have you.

Everything can be traced back to a master motivation, an innate urge to merge with Source/Ultimate Reality and realise the apex of our potential. If we understand the original longing and how it is meant to play upon our truest essence to enhance our experience, direct our progress and express for its own sake, we come a darn sight nearer to possibly seeing that longing satisfied than if we continue stumbling around in the dark room.

So, keep enjoying life and wearing your purple and giving smiles. Being light in this world is not so common a thing. I appreciate those people like you I come across in my day more than they realise it. Even if they're just laughing amongst themselves, it fuels me to see that levity expressed. I think it's time for the world to lighten up, get a sense of humour and stop taking itself so seriously. :-) This, in itself, is a way to unlock.

Nice talking to you,

Droxine

P.S. Okay, woah. Here's what I'm talking about with the synchronicities. I finished writing this and went to Amazon to add the Ruiz link and found this book featured on my homepage there (because I looked up that other book for you, "Search for Self;" this is by the co-author), which is talking about the same things I was in this post re: spiritual longing and addiction, etc. Check the description:

The Thirst for Wholeness: Attachment, Addiction, and the Spiritual Path

From Publishers WeeklyGrof, a San Francisco Bay Area transpersonal psychologist, argues that addiction is a manifestation of profound spiritual yearning--the "thirst for wholeness" which Jung defined as a fundamental dilemma of being human. To escape the pain of this craving and fill the emptiness it implies, Grof suggests, many people adopt addictive behaviors, which only further parch the soul. The thirst can be quelled, she advises, only by moving through the emptiness to spiritual understanding. Drawing from 12-step programs, from Jungian and humanistic psychology and her own experiences as a recovering alcoholic, Grof offers a thoughtful, compassionate self-help guide. Copyright 1993 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title. From Library JournalGrof shares her own experience with alcohol addiction, 12-step programs for recovery, transpersonal psychology, and Buddhist thought. She discusses the contemporary quest for wholeness, which she believes supports addiction, existential alienation, and further isolation through abuse, and she proposes healthy ways to satisfy spiritual longing. Ever realistic, she stresses that "the world is not an easy place to be" and counsels accepting one's own humanity and the fact that "to be human is to be attached." Also hopeful and optimistic, she affirms "the divine experience of being human." Recommended for self-help collections in libraries.

If you know anyone trying to beat addiction, this would be a good book to recommend, no? It's treating the cause not just the symptoms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other books by Don Miguel Ruiz:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks & field-keywords=Miguel+Ruiz & x=13 & y=15

October 4, 2008

hehe i hope that mental image looks crazy lol!And it's still hard sometimes though, fear is the mind killer, fear is the little death that brings total obliteration... Yeah dune's awesome :-3. Sandwich: 1; fear: 0. hehehe, that's awesome :-D! I'll start using that for now :-3The thing that kind of scares me about books is that one of my friends who i know now was probably awakened told me a long time ago that there was a book that found you, and since i had my experience i've been fearing that book quite a bit. But i must not fear :-P. (sorry i had kind of a little episode tonight while we were making mushrooms for this rave that's happening next weekend, it really unsettled me and i'm still a little shaken up, trying to find that inner joy again). Hehehe and challenging people's ideas and stuff is fun, but engaging their minds is far more interesting :-3 Sounds like you're like me and really want to do the right thing, and, also like me, along the way, you would like to be truly seen and appreciated for who you are, at

the core, and this may not always be the case and may be a source of frustration. I know what you mean about finding a balance between self confidence and self inflated ego :-P, it's a fine line sometimes, especially when you're apparently popular. It's like you get given this ability to mold the people around you, and what are you going to do with it? Try your hardest to make sure everyone turns out awesome :-3. But then you catch yourself thinking like that and then berate yourself for thinking you have this ability to nudge people in one direction or another when it comes to stuff like that, and that's kind of an ego trip :-( and it's hard to figure out if you're being realistic about it or big headed :-P. Talking to everyone is most definitly awesome,especially at rave type events, because everyone's happy to be there, and they're usually in a good mood, and if not their open to being cheered up :-3 That's one of

my favoret things to do at a party, is just walk around and try to make everyone's night awesome. And it's such a nice feeling to walk into a club just as someone's leaveing and have them say, "OMG lock! we were totally going to leave, but now that you're here we'll stay for a while longer!" That was definitly one of the coolest things i think anyone ever said to me :-). Hey :-D there's that inner joy :-3. People are awesome hehe. And following our dreams, i was shocked by how many people i've begun to meet that don't do that anymore. Like, everyone did it as kids right, but all the time now i meet people and i ask them what they do and stuff and it's just like, oh i work, i go to school, and when i ask them what they want to do, or what goals or dreams they have, they just shrug their sholders and say i don't know. :-( that sucks! I hope i never forget or stop striving for my dreams, even if they

change half way through my life :-P. Sometimes i feel like i do take on too much responsibility for the kids i hang out with, but i've definitly stopped going far out of my way to help everyone out. It got pretty rediculous at some points :-P. And it's still hard to not go to the club every week to see everyone and make sure everyone's ok and happy and stuff, but hey man, priorities are priorities and everyone understands :-3 so it's cool. And that's good advice, to keep reapraising one's self and continually ask the question who am i? The only thing about that is it'll get complicated when the voice that talks back will say "i don't want to be a producer anymore!" but only because it's hard and takes a lot of work, that's the voice you disregard because it's just being lazy :-P. And yes i dress like a hippy sometimes, because sometimes i'm just too lazy to look awesome hehehe :-P,Ah and i see what you

mean about you mean about judgements and opinions, but that is the beauty of english i feel, that it's words and lables are ever shifting and changing, one day meaning one thing and the next something completely different, sometimes it's hard to keep up with, but it's great, keeps the mind on it's toes :-3. And yes i agree that it seems as soon as we solidify our views and they begin to narrow, they almost imidiately get presented with something that makes you have to rethink it. I guess it bears repeating that an open mind is key :-D. Though i don't like surprises, sometimes they're scary, and scary sucks :-P. Hehe and yeah i really like the concept of definition by inclusion. It's still something i'd like to look into more, i forget exactly how i was introduced to the concept, but i remember it being put forth to me in a very convincing maner, and the more i think about it, the more it seems like a good idea. Is the

want to merge with the source really the key motivation? Hmm... that sounds like the concept of attaining nirvana, but i like the group of monks (i can't remember their names, the bodisahdva or something like that i think?) who would keep themselves from reaching it so that they could return to the world to help others become enlightened. I don't know if that's my ego making up a valid sounding excuse for not loosing myself completely, or if it's really a legitament want of mine to help others. It might be a bit of both i'd imagine, but helping others is really really cool, and fun to see the results of. So i'd like to think it's more helping others :-3. And i will keep wearing purple, (it's actually everyone's favorate color, they just don't know it yet :-3 hehe), and i'll keep on trying my damndest to make sure everyone has a wonderful time of this fatal condition known as life. And thanks for giving such good

feedback! Sorry i just kind of blobed everything into this one huge paragraph, hopefully it'll make sense :-P. And Uhh... I feel kind of bad about only talking about myself so much on here, :-( even though the conversations are amazingly helpful and the incite beyond anything i could have hoped for, i don't want to seem all self centered, because i'm not, in fact, i'm so humble! I'm the most humble person i know! Ain't nobody who's more humble than me! LOL, (kind of a dumb joke, but i think it's hilarious lol :-3) have a wonderful night, and hope to talk to you again soon. I didn't eat any sandwiches today, but i'll probably snack on something before i go to bed, i forgot to eat enough again today, only had some cereal this morning and a small bowl of pasta this afternoon... Hmm... i hope i have something edable in the cabinates... Well, wonderful days galore to all! hehelocksomething

to eat:1 fear:0! P.S. Okay, woah. Here's what I'm talking about with the synchronicities. I finished writing this and went to Amazon to add the Ruiz link and found this book featured on my homepage there (because I looked up that other book for you, "Search for Self;" this is by the co-author), which is talking about the same things I was in this post re: spiritual longing and addiction, etc. Check the description: