so confused

[Guest guest]

For the last few days I have been battling with myself about

somethings. You could say I was doing a bit of soul searching. Since

I started practicing the safeties for Kundalini activation and the 5

Tibetan Rites, I have been struggling with what is right and what is

wrong. No, rather what I should do and what I shouldnt do. I have

been questioning if I should continue doing the Rites. I think maybe

its just me being lazy but it could also be something else. I mean

what if doing this unleashes something in me that I cant control. I

dont like not being in control because I wont know whats going to

happen next. Be it good or bad I always like to be prepared! I was

also thinking about if its supposed to happen, Kundalini awakening,

then it will happen regardless if I do the Tibetans or not. Right? I

plan on continueing the safeties because they will make me a better

person overall. Im just starting to think maybe Im not ready to

handle it. My life has been stressful these last few days. No to say

no one else's life is, its just my life isnt usually like this. I

usually dont spend days pondering over stuff like I have been lately.

Even questioning everything, that has never been me because I have

always knew what I wanted. Now that is not the case. I am so confused

about everything. Me and my boyfriend have been getting into it

because all he thinks about is doing it and I get tired of hearing

about it everyday. I mean come on, I have four kids to take care of,

i'm in school full time and know the state wants me to find a full

time job w/benefits even though im in school so that I can get away

from state help. They dont care that I wont get to see my kids if I

do find a full time job that doesnt seem within reach. Then I just

recovered from about 3 or 4 upper respitory infections which

aggravated my asthma which made me miss about 3 weeks of school and

so I got a D in my Swedish Massage class even though I got A's on all

my assignments. The ones I was there for anyway. It was a class that

required attendance or attendance was 50% of the grade. Im upset

about that but I have no choice but to deal with it. At least i got

my credits. I have been wondering if I should really open up a

massage business. You know will I be able to actually accomplish

something this big? What if the business isnt successful? This is

what i want to do Ive been dreaming about it for a few years now. Im

think Im just scared of taking that first step. I got depressed while

I was sick and for a little while afterwards. Im actually just now

coming out of it. After a month of not smoking ciggarettes I started

back. Only half a day though. I dont seem to have the will power to

stop smoking marijuana or quit drinking. I know I should I know its

not good for me but I just dont have the energy to put up the fight.

I have been questioning my spirituality. I know Im on the right path

but sometimes I get sidetracked. Last night I was really coming down

hard on myself and asked the Goddess why? She came to me in a dream

and showed me many things, which I cant frigging remember and that

makes me mad, the things she showed me though let me know Im here for

a reason and that I have been battling the dark and I will come out

victorious in the end. I just need to keep at it. Im so stressed out

I havent started my period. It hasnt been late in like forever. Im so

confused about everything now. I feel like my life isnt mines

anymore. Im just trapped in a shell or a prison or something.

[Guest guest]

Devore:Hang in there. Always a new day, maybe in a moment. I just visited Barbi Yar, not a good scene of the Holocaust here in Ukraine. Wondered why I was there after never going there in 9 years on and off in Ukraine. Maybe it was just to say to you and me that today isn't so bad. I thought that the site might turn me into a complete passive resistance type Gandhi. That lasted for a second until I crossed the street and one of a million maniac drivers almost hit me doing 70mph. I screamed an obscenity. I said to myself that I'm still an affected dope at 61. Then I went to the adjoining spot of monuments and said a pray for all members of the group which includes you. I forgave quickly and I am at peace. Life is not that bad. Onward and upward. The message business is good.Love,Jake--- On Mon, 11/10/08,

Devore <qutiepie682001 wrote:For the last few days I have been battling with myself about

somethings. 

[Guest guest]

, Andrew Carney

<jakecarney36 wrote:

I just remembered that I have also been having these weird dreams of

being with other females. Im not bi or anything and I dont have a

problem with it because I do have a few bi female friends. I have been

having much more psychic things happening like I know when someone is

going to say or do something before they do it now. I really feel other

peoples energy too. If someone is feeling not to good I have to get

away because I feel it very intensely. I dont know if thats from

Kundalini or from giving massages. Maybe I have taken on a bit much. I

enjoy school though and dont want to quit I have no choice about a job

hopefully they will just put me back on the schedule at Borders and

that will be out of the way. I take full responsibilty for all that

goes on in my life. Its just a bit over bearing especially with no one

to talk to. I just need to get things sorted out in my mind. Thank you

for the suggestions. I will have to take the time and slow down and

just let things be but right now I have too much at stake and I cant

afford too.

[Guest guest]

Beloved Devore,

 

Sending you Peace. I think we all go through a time of

doubting and fear when putting our foot upon this path.

imho its normal to have these feelings. Its okay to have

these feelings. Don't resist them, just know that's how

it is right now, doesn't mean it will always be this way.

 

Nothing may feel balanced for you right now. You may feel

pulled in many directions. Don't resist those feelings either.

Allow what is happening to be there. If you can allow it

then the stress factor will diminish. Its resistance that

is causing you stress. When things come up say " okay "

instead of " no! " and surrender to your life and how the

Divine is working things out. Trust the process. Take a

deep breath and relax. Sometimes we can be our own worst

enemy. Its a challenge to balance amidst all the things

that can be raging around us. When things are raging within

say, " peace, be still " and allow calm to enter. Where you

put your thoughts is what you are feeding and allowing to

be. Reign in that wild, undisciplined mind and choose what

you want to think about, and what you want to be. " I am

peace " " I am surrendered to the Love around me " " I am

passing through this with grace and strength. "

 

As for practicing the Safeties, they can be your anchor

when the mind and emotions take off in their tangents and

roller coaster rides. They are a form of discipline that

will help you reign in the wildness that leaves you stressed

and exhausted. Tell your mind and emotions that yes, this

will be a part of our life; and yes, you will be disciplined.

 

Hope that helps a little.

Love and hug,

dhyana

 

 

, " Devore "

<qutiepie682001 wrote:

>

> For the last few days I have been battling with myself about

> somethings.

[Guest guest]

Devore,I read your post and I had to write to you.For the past two

days i was feeling confused,angry and ready to pull my hair out just

because i told my daughter that it was ok to come over and to bring

her baby too and that continued until a few minutes ago.I don't like

to say this but my neverending struggle to understand my daughter and

her lack of direction and responsability on her part has made my life

difficult but now i know that my decision to refuse when she wants to

come over it's the answer.You see,when she comes over she thinks that

she doesn't have to do anything including taking care of the baby

because she comes here to spend an endless amount of time on the

computer and nothing else.I told her that she has to leave by 4pm but

she found reasons to stay here until 10pm.I have 2 other younger

children and have to take care of them.When she got pregnant at 16

she decided that she wanted to keep the baby but now she feels like

she has no free time so she monopolizes everybody's time so that she

has some free time.She does not live with me so i told her that i

will not raise her baby from the beginning.

Sorry,I didn't mean to write so much.I wanted to tell you that a K

awakening is a process that can go on from months, to weeks in the

beginning ,and days at a time later on and for two days you might

feel like you want to pull your hair out but then it changes and you

feel really good and then it starts again.It's a cycle for lack of a

better word.I feel so much better now.It's a struggle but i know you

can do it!

 

love,nicole

 

love,nicole

, " novalees "

<dhyana wrote:

>

> Beloved Devore,

>

> Sending you Peace. I think we all go through a time of

> doubting and fear when putting our foot upon this path.

> imho its normal to have these feelings. Its okay to have

> these feelings. Don't resist them, just know that's how

> it is right now, doesn't mean it will always be this way.

>

> Nothing may feel balanced for you right now. You may feel

> pulled in many directions. Don't resist those feelings either.

> Allow what is happening to be there. If you can allow it

> then the stress factor will diminish. Its resistance that

> is causing you stress. When things come up say " okay "

> instead of " no! " and surrender to your life and how the

> Divine is working things out. Trust the process. Take a

> deep breath and relax. Sometimes we can be our own worst

> enemy. Its a challenge to balance amidst all the things

> that can be raging around us. When things are raging within

> say, " peace, be still " and allow calm to enter. Where you

> put your thoughts is what you are feeding and allowing to

> be. Reign in that wild, undisciplined mind and choose what

> you want to think about, and what you want to be. " I am

> peace " " I am surrendered to the Love around me " " I am

> passing through this with grace and strength. "

>

> As for practicing the Safeties, they can be your anchor

> when the mind and emotions take off in their tangents and

> roller coaster rides. They are a form of discipline that

> will help you reign in the wildness that leaves you stressed

> and exhausted. Tell your mind and emotions that yes, this

> will be a part of our life; and yes, you will be disciplined.

>

> Hope that helps a little.

> Love and hug,

> dhyana

>

>

> , " Devore "

> <qutiepie682001@> wrote:

> >

> > For the last few days I have been battling with myself about

> > somethings.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Devore - hard though it will be, try 1) to understand that this is

a natural progression and is leading you in the right direction, and

then 2) try to stand back if you can and see the changes and

challenges that you are currently being faced with from the position

of an observer. I understand that being an observer in your own life

sounds daft but if you can do that it allows you to change your

perspective and you will find that your approach will be different and

maybe not so stressful. We naturally allow ourselves to get so

involved with things that we lose that broader perspective of how

those challenges you are facing from day to day fit in to the larger

scheme of things. If you can stand back and see the big picture the

chances are that you will moderate or change your approach and in so

doing decrease the associated level of fear / stress / or apparent

lack of control.

 

Above all understand, know and accept that you (in the context of your

higher self) own your progression. You can be guided, assisted,

counseled, but in the end its up to you. There can be no displaced

responsibility, it is not up to the 'teacher' to ensure that you do

things right, it is your call. In accepting that position you may

well find that extra strength and insight to overcome your current

obstacles.

 

Go safely and see the challenges as the tests that they are, and know

in your heart that you were drawn to this path to succeed and not fail

- if the Tibetans are a pain look at them from that perspective of

challenge and know that you will succeed. That may allow you to take

them in your stride. love and blessings - Jonathan

[Guest guest]

, " Devore "

<qutiepie682001 wrote:

>

> For the last few days I have been battling with myself about

> somethings. You could say I was doing a bit of soul searching.

Since

> I started practicing the safeties for Kundalini activation and the

5

> Tibetan Rites, I have been struggling with what is right and what

is

> wrong. No, rather what I should do and what I shouldnt do.

 

Hi Devore,

 

Just thought I'd share some ideas with you. I am trying to keep a

daily diary at the moment. I use a free on on the internet my-

diary.org. Of course I log in and use a password, so it is very

private.

I use this mainly to write down a gratitude list. By writing a

gratitude list, and also writing about how I am feeling, and my

spiritual practises etc. helps to keep me in a state of inner joy

most of the time. As the saying goes, " Gratitude casts out all fear "

Regarding your feelings of struggling with what is right and wrong,

everything is in perfect order, no right or wrong, only perceptions

of right or wrong. We do our best, whatever that may be? The saying

no pain no gain does appear to ring true at times, as it is from pain

that we can wake-up and perceive another side to the coin. We are all

asleep, in a type of hypnosis.. and pain can wake us up, as does

prayer and meditation. The thing is do we want to wake up or stay

comfortable in bed with the warm blankets? I like to think and feel

sometimes that I am like the Fool in the Tarot, stepping off the

cliff into the unknown. Wow.... what an adventure. If I feel

depressed, I know I am dead, and what I really am depressed about is

my loss of connection to being alive. So for today I am sharing with

you and the forum, part of my daily diary. I am so grateful. Feeling

so happy today. So gratful. God thank you thank you for everything.

Thank you for All. The masters and the knowledge they have left.

Thank you for my ignorance, thank you for everything. Thank you for

this forum so I can share my appreciation and gratitude. Thank you

for my heart so I can feel this love, and thank you for my intellect.

Thank you for the greatest gift of All.... Illumination.. words

cannot be found...Illumination is beyond words, beyond thoughts or

feelings, something mystical....mysterious... and no wonder the

ancient mystic masters remained silent about it and means of

achieving it were surrounded in secrecy.

I believe all pray and meditation leads to kundalini. Meditation is

like manure. It makes everything grow, good and bad, (or our

perceptions of that)so I feel 'the safeties' are not only in place to

adjust our mind and bodies, and to protect us, but to enable us to

become better human beings to Serve the Greater Whole.

On a final note, thank you for allowing me to be part of the forum,

part of this group, part of this experience, part of this Shaktipat.

Forgive me if I have said anything wrong, I am only a student with

little or no wisdom, and at times a lot of madness.... :-)

God bless

J x

[Guest guest]

Good morning everyone! I feel much better now. I dont know what the

heck or why that happened to me. The way I was feeling. Thats has never

happened to me before. At the laundry mat yesterday I had a Tada!

moment. I realized that things arent so bad. Its not the end of the

world. If I cant handle this then I have no business trying to open a

business. So i have decided to start anew. I plan on fasting I just

havent decided on a date yet. Sometime next week though. Once again Im

going to eliminate the weed and liquor out of my life. You know

yesterday after i realized that, i was quite hyper the rest of the day.

Im still running off that juice and wondering when Im gonna crash. Im

functioning on 2 and a half hours of sleep here. LOL. Im also going to

start me a diary, AGAIN,LOL. I made it through a dark time and I thank

the Goddess for having you all to help me through it. Your posts were a

source of inspiration. I have also decided to keep with the rites as

well as the safeties. Everything in due time. Bless all of you! and

have a great day!

 

Devore