2 Questions. . .sparrow synthesis. . - Bruce, and Sparrow

[Guest guest]

thanks both of you. I think I just needed to release that, to stop denying that

im very frustrated and to honor these feelings. But how does one release the

emotions? It's hard for me to cry, tears won't come, I don't feel much lighter

and now I'm having the " gerbil wheel syndrome " my mind's going in circles and

won't let up. I surrender to it but round and round it goes, not letting up in

the slightest...and when does one know when forgiveness is complete for a

particular person or situation?

 

this is how I feel about my situation right now...as you have described in a

different way bruce. I feel like there's 2 aspects of Kundalini Shakt/Mai: the

Kundalini part being the impersonal aspect that has it's agenda and is in the

driver seat now. then the other aspect is Shakti/Ma, the personal aspect, the

caring mother Who nurtures Her child and helps the child grow and gives the

child unconditional love. I feel I've only met the Kundalini part, physical

symptoms and emotional symptoms, yes I have proof of kundalini being here, but

where is my Mother??? It's like i'm a baby and when my mother hears me crying in

the crib, she comes and brings me a bottle of milk and then goes into the other

room, not picking me up, not giving me the deep connection I so long for...

 

 

I feel left alone in the dark, I want to surrender to Her but it feels like

there's nothing to surrender to, besides physical and emotional symptoms. I

guess I'm wanting direction to and I don't feel like She's fulfilling Her end of

the bargain, I guess that sounds egoic, but I'm waiting...what do I do? I could

be waiting for eternity...

 

I wish I knew of creative ways to give service, the only one I can think of is

driving 45 minutes to a food bank but having no money nor job at the moment,

it's not feasible. Don't know of any other options until I get my job as an emt

which I know is not in a sense selfless service since I'll be getting paid, but

it's a start, and it might open me to other volunteer services that I am not

aware of...waiting for guidance... I guess patience hasn't been my strongest

virtue.

 

well thanks for listening, I had to get it off my chest, sorry I don't mean to

get anyone down, that's always been my main problem, pretending like

everything's alright and even convincing myself, and keeping the emotions

trapped...

 

blessings Ordinary Sparrow and Bruce, it's always great to read both of you and

very insightful

 

craig

 

 

 

 

 

, " bruce_oom "

<bruce_oom wrote:

>

> Hi Craig,

>

> how you doing today? I can relate to you and your journey, and what it means

to painfully feel ways of meaning and connection being severed, ways that have

served the self and bought happiness and fullfullment.

> Its tough when inside that space of feeling seperate from the divine, of not

feeling heard, and being trapped in that sense of isolation that no human being

can fill. Just have faith that there is a new way of being waiting. My

experience has been that my relationships to people were also taken away for a

while as Shakti pulled me into relationship with Her, and from that place of

relationship to the Divine being the source of my love and my connection, and i

am more able to once again have meaningful relationships with friends and

family.

>

>

> love

> Bruce

> >

> > I have asked for help many times, for answers, for help, for transformation,

and the only thing I've come to is: do you (Shakti) really love me? and the

ultimate: who am i? I've received nothing, I've begged and pleaded to Her, and I

don't even think She's listening. I'm actually really wondering if she's even

here to help me. before I received the K, I was having deep spiritual

experiences where I actually felt the truth of the power of now. and this was

less than a year of starting meditation. And I felt joy for no reason. Since She

has activated in me it's been lonely, extremely lonely. For the first time in my

life, before K activated, I actually really enjoyed the company of my family, I

was actually becoming friends with them. then I move away, have my K activate

and loose my best friend in the process, come back home to regroup and it seems

I've already lost any sense of deep relationship with my family. I don't know, I

sometimes wonder if this is even a blessing...

> > craig

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Namastedear Craig , "kundaflame" <kundaflame wrote:>> thanks both of you. I think I just needed to release that, to stop denying that im very frustrated and to honor these feelings. But how does one release the emotions? It's hard for me to cry, tears won't come, I don't feel much lighter and now I'm having the "gerbil wheel syndrome" my mind's going in circles and won't let up. I surrender to it but round and round it goes, not letting up in the slightest...and when does one know when forgiveness is complete for a particular person or situation?i can relate to what you write here Craig. . .through many years of my life was not able to cry concerning myself. . and know how uncomfortable it can be when the tears need to flow and they are frozen. . . would suggest to ask Ma to find a way for the tears to be released with love and gentleness. . .in the mid eighties i started praying a powerful little prayer that was suggested by a Native American healer, the prayer; " Great Spirit bring into my life the people, places and situations that bring me closer to Thee 3 times, then Great Spirit remove from my life the people, places, and situations that hinder the path to Thee, 3 times. Her instructions where "DO NOT PRAY THIS IF YOU DO NOT MEAN IT WITH EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING".. . . She testified the prayer had resulted in in her life going through a period of complete dissolution and starting over. . . .i started using that prayer. . .and sure enough within a very short period everything i had spent years attaining was taken away or let go of willingly. . .house, family deaths, career, marriage, and through it all i could not release the tears. . . then one day i had a impulse to hop on a plane and go to San Diego for knew i needed the Ocean. . .so spent several days of solitude with the waves. . .and then decided to go to the Zoo. . . while there i noticed a gate that was left open. . .and an overwhelming curiosity and perhaps Ma pushed me through it even though it was marked, staff only. . .there where huge tanks of water. . .and as i walked up to inspect a beautiful a dolphin rose up and the two of us locked eyes and souls. . .and for the longest time we shared tears together. . .the tears flowed and flowed and flowed, and the release was so tender and pure. . .a man walked up and asked how i had gotten in the restrictive area, i told him through the door that was left open. . .and started to apologize, but he said, "please don't, this is dolphin we rescued from the coast and she was abandoned and sick. . .we have had her here for some time but she has not made any connection with us or the other dolphins, and what is happening here is good for her for now she will start to respond, and it looks like she is good for you also. . .so stay as long as you want and close the gate when you leave. . .come back tomorrow if you want for this is good medicine. . ." Craig i share that just as a testimony that Love/Kundalini Ma will find a way to bring us what we need for release and healing. . .I do not know much but i know She does love you dearly. . .and She will find a way. . . .Sometimes everything does get cleared away for some of us. . . .and some do not have to go through that. . . .but the day will come when you and each of us will realize that what we have gone through and lost is absolutely perfect in the big picture. . . .and also i would image you and probably every one that has advanced spiritually to the K gifting has probably prayed many many times a prayer similar to the one i spoke of above. . . .One of the things that made it easier for me to accept through the losses was my remembrance and sincerity of the prayer. . .for when things would dissolve, i would remember, i asked for this Great Spirit and i sure did not know it would look like this, so now give me the grace and wisdom to accept it. . .Also Craig i was glad you wrote more about your calling out to Ma. . .Craig that really sounds like Bhakti Yoga to me. . . .and in Bhakti the fire of devotion of wanting the sacred connection with the Divine whether that be Mother or Beloved is the very important necessary fire of longing that fuels the entire enegetic process of awakening. . .your longing is liquid gold. . .and in truth Ma or your sacred diety does not need the Bhakti. . .for She is already entirely complete. . .the purpose of Bhakti is to generate the heat and then the heat is compressed and stored into the energetic of the root and second chakra, that is what makes the awakeing the power to blast to the crown, a compression of love and longing. . .I would imagine that many in this group have spent much of their lives since childhood longing for something they would not name and something forgotten yet so deeply remembered that no matter what the world offered it was still there. . . .Craig, i think where you are these days is a most holy ground. . .and allow yourself to continue to generate that longing. . .this too is so very sacred. . . .I will share a few word from one of my teachers, Amma about Bhakti because it feels right for you, . . ." Bhakti is love, loving God, loving your own Self, and loving all beings. . .The small heart should become bigger and bigger and eventually totally expansive. A spark can become a forest fire. So to only have a spark is enough , for the spark is also the fire. . . .Keep blowing on it, fanning it. sooner or later it will burn like a forest fire, sending out long tongues of fire. . . . "Craig where you are now with your longing will bring the tongues of fire, and that is not just a bible metaphor. . . .i do not know when, but after reading there was clear awarenss that Kundalini Ma has answered your prayers with the deep experience of your longing. . .that is Her gifting and it is liquid gold. . .. When you are in the space of longing and loving and wanting Her to show you evidence of Her. . .i would like to gently suggest that you go look in the mirror. . .for you will be Her face in the transformational fire of longing . . .your longing is so very sacred Craig. . .honor yourself for this longing. . .i know people that cry because they cannot feel the longing that you are expressing. . .. Oh Craig sorry i have not learned to make short comments. . .the words start flowing and i do not know how to synthesis in clear and concise manner. . .but i hope somewhere you can find something in this ramble that brings connection that you are not alone or abandoned in this. . .also service can just be a prayer for Ma to bring to you the people and situations where you might be a reflection of Her light and love. . .and then be open to what and whom She brings. . .the little things; opening a door for someone, carrying a package for an elderly neighbor, or smiling and patting someones beloved pet; and establishing a sweet gentle opening of shared loving. . . writing a letter to your family and just expressing some love. . .Ask Her to put the impulse in your mind and then follow through on those impulses. . .these are the things that share the love and the places where we find that She is within us expressing as the Oneness that we all are. . . service does not have to be some project or trip aligned with an organization. . .just a suggestion to consider what fits and what does not. . .and also being a emt and getting paid for it is high service. . .and no matter what you have been paid, what you are giving there is beyond any monetary exchange. . .such gifting you are to those in crisis, wow!. . .here is a short Adyashanti poem that Kundalini Ma is currently bringing forth for you in your loses and longing. . . .i am all hollowed out nowlike a reedi gave everything for thisand still i laughingly wonderhow could it been so cheap?.adyashantihope this day is wonderfulordinary sparrow > > this is how I feel about my situation right now...as you have described in a different way bruce. I feel like there's 2 aspects of Kundalini Shakt/Mai: the Kundalini part being the impersonal aspect that has it's agenda and is in the driver seat now. then the other aspect is Shakti/Ma, the personal aspect, the caring mother Who nurtures Her child and helps the child grow and gives the child unconditional love. I feel I've only met the Kundalini part, physical symptoms and emotional symptoms, yes I have proof of kundalini being here, but where is my Mother??? It's like i'm a baby and when my mother hears me crying in the crib, she comes and brings me a bottle of milk and then goes into the other room, not picking me up, not giving me the deep connection I so long for...> > > I feel left alone in the dark, I want to surrender to Her but it feels like there's nothing to surrender to, besides physical and emotional symptoms. I guess I'm wanting direction to and I don't feel like She's fulfilling Her end of the bargain, I guess that sounds egoic, but I'm waiting...what do I do? I could be waiting for eternity...> > I wish I knew of creative ways to give service, the only one I can think of is driving 45 minutes to a food bank but having no money nor job at the moment, it's not feasible. Don't know of any other options until I get my job as an emt which I know is not in a sense selfless service since I'll be getting paid, but it's a start, and it might open me to other volunteer services that I am not aware of...waiting for guidance... I guess patience hasn't been my strongest virtue.> > well thanks for listening, I had to get it off my chest, sorry I don't mean to get anyone down, that's always been my main problem, pretending like everything's alright and even convincing myself, and keeping the emotions trapped...> > blessings Ordinary Sparrow and Bruce, it's always great to read both of you and very insightful> > craig