surrender

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chrism,this is janet and i would like to have your permission to be placed in

the scatterfield.you know i am so ,so tierd of this duality stuff.and the

ego..am i good enough ,not good enough.the last few days i cant stand it.

 

i have been doing the 5 tibetins for about3-4 months now.i have just started on

17 and trying most days.one time i didnt do them a week and then another time i

didnt do them 4 days. but otherwise fairly consistsnt every morning.i practice

the safties as best as i can.i need to forgive myself morei can forgive other

people alot easier.

 

about honoring my darkness well--when i meditate i just look at the

darkness,then go with it and a few times when i closed my eyes it was like gray

with what looed like all roots and i just looked but that was for a few

seconds.i didnt know what to think.this other time when i turned the lights out

i was lying on couch closed my eyes and saw a tv,and i wasnt facing the tv.

 

i put my hand in front of me to see if i could see it(still with eyes closed)but

couldnt .i watched the u tube on darkness many times.i went in the bathroom and

shut door .total total black i thought oh my everything was so open and

black.that only lasted approx 5 min.i have sat in front of mirror in dark with

somelight off to side.

 

i would watch my face change from me to old to young,to blur to gray ,to

lighter,to nothing.so i dont know if this is honering my darkness or not but i

am aware of it.i would lay in bed and stare at cealing then dark cloud like

would come at me,but when it would come cloce to my face i would blink like in

fear .

 

but am working on this. when a thought of something innappropiate come to mind

like anger in order to chang my thinking i think of jerry lewis and the funny

stuff he use to do in the movies.i laugh then.after this two times a heard a

male voice say there you go.

 

well im working on my surrender as best i can i have this pain in my lower back

that i cant get rid of,but still do the tibetns i have 2 total knee replacements

and still get on my knees and do them sometimes i amaze myself .

 

all your recent posts have been a great help.i want the best that god wants me

to be and i want the blocks removed so i can be that.i want to be the nicet and

lovingest i can be to myself and other people,i like to help people and be kind

i sure can honestly sayi have learned over the years that ive creid over a

million tears the way my family have treated me and alot of other peaple have

treated me in the wrong.

 

it just made me nicer and nicer.i can forgive them all.anyway im not use to a

group .or much at sharing my feelings but will work on it. i dont know how

long the k takes to rewire the body system. i try and read and learn but

sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming.then i forget and then reread and read the

stuff till the point i get exasperated. thanks janet.