GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

[Guest guest]

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

 

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In

order to better

serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer

the

following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will

be kept

completely

confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address

unless

you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

 

1. How did you find out about your deity?

__ Newspaper

__ Bible

__ Torah

__ Television

__ Book of Mormon

__ Divine Inspiration

__ Dead Sea Scrolls

__ My Mama Done Tol' Me

__ Near Death Experience

__ Near Life Experience

__ National Public Radio

__ Tabloid

__ Burning Shrubbery

__ Other (specify): _____________

 

2. Which model deity did you acquire?

__ Yahweh

__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]

__ Jehovah

__ Jesus

__ Krishna

__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]

__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]

__ Allah

__ Satan

__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

__ Burning shrubbery

__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

__ No, all of the above are false gods

 

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good

working

order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes __ No

 

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered

here.

Please indicate all that apply:

__ Not eternal

__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entirecosmos

__ Not omniscient

__ Not omnipotent

__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all

creations)

__ Permits sex outside of marriage

__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage

__ Makes mistakes

__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people

__ When beseeched, does not stay beseeched

__ Requires burnt offerings

__ Requires virgin sacrifices

__ No burning shrubbery

 

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a

deity?

Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents

__ Needed a reason to live

__ Indoctrinated by society

__ Needed focus for whom to despise

__ Imaginary friend grew up

__ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense

__ Hate to think for myself

__ Wanted to meet girls/boys

__ Fear of death

__ Wanted to piss off parents

__ Needed a day away from work

__ Desperate need for certainty

__ Like organ music

__ Need to feel morally superior

__ Thought ancient desert sociology was cool

__ Shit was falling out of the sky

__ My shrubbery caught fire and a loud voice commanded me to do

it.

 

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which

god were you helped by? Please check all that apply.

 

__ Mick Jagger

__ Cthulhu

__ Baal

__ The Almighty Dollar

__ Bill Gates

__ Left-wing Liberalism

__ The Radical Right

__ Ra

__ Beelzebub

__ George Bush

__ The Great Spirit

__ The Great Pumpkin

__ The Sun

__ Elvis

__ Cindy Crawford

__ The Moon

__ Barack Obama

__ Burning shrubbery

__ Other: ________________

 

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in

addition to

God?

Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot

__ Lottery

__ Astrology

__ Television

__ Fortune cookies

__ Ann Landers

__ Psychic Friends Network

__ Dianetics

__ Palmistry

__ Playboy and/or Playgirl

__ Self-help books

__ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll

__ Biorhythms

__ Alcohol

__ US Government

__ Tea Leaves

__ EST

__ ESPN Sportscenter

__ Mantras

__ Televangelist

__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)

__ Human Sacrifice

__ Pyramids

__ Wandering Around a Desert

__ Insurance Policies

__ Prince Charles

__ Burning Shrubbery

__ Federal Reserve

__ Teletubbies

__ Other:_____________________

__ None

 

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to

preserve the

balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you

prefer

(Circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention

b. Less Divine Intervention

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

 

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters

and miracles.

Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following:

(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

A. Disasters:

Flood 1 2 3 4 5

Famine 1 2 3 4 5

Earthquake 1 2 3 4 5

War 1 2 3 4 5

Pestilence 1 2 3 4 5

Plague 1 2 3 4 5

SPAM 1 2 3 4 5

AOL 1 2 3 4 5

Federal Reserve 1 2 3 4 5

Goldman Sachs 1 2 3 4 5

 

B. Miracles:

Rescues 1 2 3 4 5

Spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5

Stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5

Crying statues 1 2 3 4 5

Water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5

Walking on water 1 2 3 4 5

VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5

Victoria's Secret models 1 2 3 4 5

Kundalini Awakenings 1 2 3 4 5

Getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5

 

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for

improving the

quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if

necessary).

_______________________________

 

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to

one of our

conveniently located drop-off boxes by February 30, you will be

entered in

the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning

are

approximately one in 6.626 x 10 to the 34th power, depending on

number of

beings entered.

[Guest guest]

Ha ha ha (:

 

Well being of no religion I'm not sure I have a deity but when I do the

compression prayer I sorta take turns with those I kinda like. So I'm kinda fond

of Mother Nature (love romping around here with my feet in the soil and sand)

got a thing for Father Sun (yeah hes always sending that prisms of light that

turns everything magical) the wind - those storms when you feel all that

exciting energy, I think Jesus was a pretty cool guy - you know healing everyone

and telling us that the kingdom of heaven is within kinda diggin that guy, how

could I leave out Shakti and Shiva so blue and romantic and energizing and

peace, but I gotta tell you and I mean no disrespect to any Buddhists out there

but; This friend of mine talked about Buddha a bit and about a year or so ago

there was this asian store going out of business and there was this little red

and gold laughing buddha statue with that big buddha belly on sale for almost

nothing. So I bought that Buddha - I know some about Buddha but not everything

but I Just LOVE my BUddha! I love his big laughing smile and big belly - I can't

help but rub that belly everyday and I grab that little statue and laugh at him

laughing and smother him with a kiss - That Buddha statue has helped release a

lot of fears - I mean the guy is always got that laugh on his face ...(ahhh if

he didn't that would be kinda creepy, huh?) Who can resist a laughing Buddha

With a Big Beautiful Belly to Rub??? Who????...Not I ...

 

Now while those are my deities...I suppose...the all that is - can serve better

by...

(I mean you did say you were taking requests)

 

Waking us all the heck up...that way no more wars, that way we'd all do whats

best for this place we live and each other..., if we woke up enough and got our

k flowing oh so smoothly we probably woudnt be sick - nice side dish to this

waking up perhaps, our whole society would be different not based on money to

survive- more time for fun then... more time to climb ravines and slide down in

the mud, and I would like free (nontoxicenvionmentallyhealthy) SILLY STRING FOR

EVERYONE - that way when we see each other, we can just pull out a can and shoot

away - yeah thats a big request...you listening God? Oh and maybe he can send us

down some free jetpacks that we can strap on our backs and just take off

flying...could you see us all jetpacking to the top of a mountain in our

completely self-sustaining paid in full Kundalini Community where every week we

meet and shoot silly string at each other...Hey you are all still praying about

that right? (can you throw in the jetpacks & silly string with that prayer? And

we could make a big teepee and he could come out with his face painted

beating a drum and we could call him Chief the Main Man, The Chief Kahuna

and watch him dance around a fire and everytime he comes around to each of us he

pulls out his Big Kahuna Can of Magical Silly String shooting us each with Silly

String Shaktipat Showers. And can you imagine how funny Linda is going to look

doing her one-handed hand stand kriya catching that ice cube with her toes and

wrapped in silly string?)

 

YOU DID SAY YOU WERE TAKING REQUESTS>...(:

 

My biggest inspiration comes from those that touch my heart, my soul, my funny

bone and those who woke up, those waking, and those still scratching...(although

do I really have to see that in public)

Yeah so that means all you people too ... although I havent seen anyone scratch

yet...anyone? are you itching now???? You want to scratch, don't you...you know

you do...(:

 

 

Well I'm good to go...DID I WIN YET??????

 

 

Did I say thank you for that shaktipat?? Well THANK YOU BUNCHES - I'm

feeling great...Can you tell...If I win and you're off beating a drum around a

fire with a jetpack on your back shooting silly string at us...I mean you'll

still wanna give me a shaktipat again, right? (sheepishly now...right? Big puppy

dog eyes now, right?)

 

Oh oh....(:

 

Deb

PS - Did I win?????

 

 

 

 

 

Deb

 

 

 

, " chrism " <>

wrote:

>

[Guest guest]

Hahaha LMAO, good one x x x

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

I want you to win the prize so much now Debs, I " m not even gonna enter to make

sure you win... (I'm too damn lucky in competitions!)

As long as one of those jetpacks has extra fuel to get me all the way from China

:-))

love and silly string

elektra x x x

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

It's actually just what I needed to experience/read this evening. It helped

clear some static. Thank you.

-Danielle

 

, " chrism " <>

wrote:

>

> GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

[Guest guest]

Deb you're amazing! just crazy

like reading a severe case of giggles.. when you start laghing, and you just

spiral up along cazy tangents, getting giggelier and giggelier

I love that I read most posts first thing in the morning, and it's like a

megadose of jollyness, sets the day off on the right foot (is that something you

say in english too? or is it right side of the bed for you people???)

 

lots of laghter to all of you!!

lucia

 

 

> Who can resist a laughing Buddha With a Big Beautiful Belly to Rub???

Who????...Not I ...

>

 

> Deb

> PS - Did I win?????

>

>

>

>

>

> Deb

>

>

>

> , " chrism " <@>

wrote:

> >

>

[Guest guest]

hahahaha! (fell out of chair...belly aching...bumped my head...good thing shakti

gave me my golden helmet in time!)

 

 

 

, " flowerpowers7777 "

<flowerpowers7777 wrote:

>

 

> Waking us all the heck up...that way no more wars, that way we'd all do whats

best for this place we live and each other..., if we woke up enough and got our

k flowing oh so smoothly we probably woudnt be sick - nice side dish to this

waking up perhaps, our whole society would be different not based on money to

survive- more time for fun then... more time to climb ravines and slide down in

the mud, and I would like free (nontoxicenvionmentallyhealthy) SILLY STRING FOR

EVERYONE - that way when we see each other, we can just pull out a can and shoot

away - yeah thats a big request...you listening God? Oh and maybe he can send us

down some free jetpacks that we can strap on our backs and just take off

flying...could you see us all jetpacking to the top of a mountain in our

completely self-sustaining paid in full Kundalini Community where every week we

meet and shoot silly string at each other...Hey you are all still praying about

that right? (can you throw in the jetpacks & silly string with that prayer? And

we could make a big teepee and he could come out with his face painted

beating a drum and we could call him Chief the Main Man, The Chief Kahuna

and watch him dance around a fire and everytime he comes around to each of us he

pulls out his Big Kahuna Can of Magical Silly String shooting us each with Silly

String Shaktipat Showers. And can you imagine how funny Linda is going to look

doing her one-handed hand stand kriya catching that ice cube with her toes and

wrapped in silly string?)