Parents

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone!

 

How is everyone doing?

I have a strange dillema on my hands. I am wondering if anyone can suggest

any sort of solutions to it. This might be a little off-topic but it has to

do

with emotional balancing, especially within the K domain.

 

In my investigations of things that upset me, lately I have seen that not

trying to hurt my parents is the main thing that causes emotional

inbalances. Basically my biggest emotional upsets come in trying to balance

a good relationship with my parents and not letting them control me. I know

this may sound like teenager talk, but even though I am 26, my parents are

very protective and if I am doing something different than them, they are

telling me that " someone is controlling you " . Not telling them what I do is

impossible since lately (last 2 years) I became a totally different person

in every aspect of the word. Ever since we all (me, my brother and my

parents) came to US like 16 years ago, my parents have never really adapted

here. So this resistance (non-adaptating) towards everyone and everything

here is kind of turning them paranoid, especially with age. They tell me and

my brother that we are the " pillars of their life " , " their life support " ,

etc etc. This makes me feel very sorry for them since they are lonely but at

the same time, everytime I talk/see them its the same story:

" why are you vegan/vegetarian. who is controlling you "

" yoga? you are not indian "

" how are you doing at your job? did they give you a raise? "

" you must make more and more money "

" you must go back to school to make more and more and more money "

etc etc.

They come off saying these things in a very egotistic, I-know-it-all type of

way which I can take for 5-10 minutes, but not any longer.

 

They basically have the syndrome of the mother who chokes her baby to death

out of " her love " .

 

Now, I do not live with my parents. I 100% support myself, so I am not

dependent on them for anything.

The reason im saying this is that I could, but will never, tell them to

leave me alone and forget about them.

I will have to take care of them when they get older because they dont have

anyone else. So the dillema that is before me is how do I deal

with them keep trying to " put me on the right path " and still maintaining a

decent relationship.

 

Any suggestiong/opinions/critism welcome.

Thank you

Mike

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Do what i do with my Dad, everytime the negative/worry talk began I just relaxed

and said " Thanks Dad for looking out for me and giving me support, but don't

worry everything is ok " .

I repeat this as often as needed, my Dad no longer says the same old things he

used to say as I broke the cycle.

If you become defensive or upset it makes the cycle worse.

If after you've said it they continue just say again " yep,thanks again mum/dad

thanks for being there. " or something along those lines. And smile and really

mean it, try to get to a place of compassion.

 

Keep thanking them for their love and support and give them a hug or a kiss if

you are affectionate.

 

Works a treat.

 

Love elektra x x x

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

oh, and also gently changing the focus of discussion on to something else helps

too,

it takes time, took a good year of work on my Dad, hopefully yours will be

quicker :-))

love elektra x x x

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Hi Elektra.

 

Thanks for your reply. I will definitely try your method. It might take

more then a year in my

case though.

 

I sometimes think to myself how some people, in their head, try to " make

other

people's better " than theirs, yet their " bad life " in all in their head.

Its like trying

to pick yourself up by the shoelaces on our shoes.

 

Thanks again Elektra.

 

Much love

 

Mike

 

 

On Fri, Jul 10, 2009 at 9:04 PM, Elektra Fire <elektra.firewrote:

 

>

>

> Do what i do with my Dad, everytime the negative/worry talk began I just

> relaxed and said " Thanks Dad for looking out for me and giving me support,

> but don't worry everything is ok " .

> I repeat this as often as needed, my Dad no longer says the same old things

> he used to say as I broke the cycle.

> If you become defensive or upset it makes the cycle worse.

> If after you've said it they continue just say again " yep,thanks again

> mum/dad thanks for being there. " or something along those lines. And smile

> and really mean it, try to get to a place of compassion.

>

> Keep thanking them for their love and support and give them a hug or a kiss

> if you are affectionate.

>

> Works a treat.

>

> Love elektra x x x

>

>

[Guest guest]

Namaste

 

dear Mike

 

Mike i hear your situation. . . for us on an intense spiritual path such

as K Ms, often family do not understand and trust that K Ma shall guide

you each step as your work through the layers with your family. . .

please claim that being true to your own self is the highest and most

successful path. . . the deeper you claim i believe it will be easier

for you to lovingly set the boundaries that can communicate to your

family something like. . . " i love you and am honored and thankful to be

your child, and i also have to live the most high calling of my life,

such as it is, such as i am. "

 

Mike here is a favorite bedtime story that i really like and could

relate to with my own family and maybe you will find a few places where

you also relate?

 

 

 

The Mistaken Zygote Syndrome

by C.P. Estés

 

I tell my patients this story I made up, with both levity and gravity,

to try to explain one of the great mysteries of this Earth: why some

parents and offspring sometimes look at one another and ask themselves,

" Who the heck are you? and what planet did you really come

from?? "

 

Here's what I have to say on the matter in my consulting room:

 

We are born the way we are, and into the odd families we came

through:

 

1) Just because… (almost no one will believe this).

 

2) The Self has a plan, and our pea-brains are too tiny to parse it

(many

find this a hopeful idea) or

 

3) Because of the Mistaken Zygote Syndrome

(well…yes, maybe…but what is that?).

 

Your family thinks you're an alien.

You have feathers,

they have scales.

Your idea of a good time is the forest,

the wilds,

the inner life,

the outer majesty.

Their idea of a good time is folding towels.

 

If this is so for you in your family,

then you are a victim of The Mistaken Zygote Syndrome.

 

Your family moves slowly through time,

you move like the wind;

they are loud,

you are soft,

or they are silent and you sing.

You know because you just know.

They want proof and a three-hundred-page dissertation.

Sure enough, it's The Mistaken Zygote Syndrome.

 

You've never heard of that?

 

Well see,

the Zygote Fairy was flying over your hometown one night,

and all of the little zygotes in her basket were hopping and jumping

with excitement.

You were indeed destined for parents who would have understood you,

but the Zygote Fairy hit turbulence and,

oops, you fell out of the basket over the wrong house.

You fell head over heels,

head over heels,

right into a family that was not meant for you.

 

Your " real " family was three miles farther on.

That is why you fell in love with a family that wasn't yours,

And who lived three miles over.

 

You always wished Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So were your real parents.

Chances are they were meant to be.

 

This is why you tap-dance down the hallways even though you come from

a family of television spores.

This is why your parents are alarmed every time you come home or call.

They worry, " What will s/he do next?

S/he embarrassed us last time,

God only knows what s/he will do now.

 

Ay!

 

They cover their eyes when they see you coming

and it is not

because your light dazzles them.

 

All you want is love.

All they want is peace and for you to be success.

 

 

Sure enough, it's The Mistaken Zygote Syndrome.

 

______________

CODA: One solution I think works well and mercifully as well: Find those

you truly belong to. Blood is not thicker than resonance. One can lend

respect and regard to blood, and yet also give love where it is

returned. Thriving requires it. As I quoted Charles Simic the poet,

later in this piece: He who cannot howl, will not find his pack.

 

" The Mistaken Zygote Syndrome " excepted here from Women Who Run

With the Wolves, Ballantine/Random House/Bertelsmann, © Copyright

1992, 1996. C.P. Estés, .

 

 

 

This was a post from The Moderate Voice by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes---

In , JiNN

<jinnproduction wrote:

>

> Hi everyone!

>

> How is everyone doing?

> I have a strange dillema on my hands. I am wondering if anyone can

suggest

> any sort of solutions to it. This might be a little off-topic but it

has to

> do

> with emotional balancing, especially within the K domain.

>

> In my investigations of things that upset me, lately I have seen

that not

> trying to hurt my parents is the main thing that causes emotional

> inbalances. Basically my biggest emotional upsets come in trying to

balance

> a good relationship with my parents and not letting them control me. I

know

> this may sound like teenager talk, but even though I am 26, my parents

are

> very protective and if I am doing something different than them, they

are

> telling me that " someone is controlling you " . Not telling them what I

do is

> impossible since lately (last 2 years) I became a totally different

person

> in every aspect of the word. Ever since we all (me, my brother and my

> parents) came to US like 16 years ago, my parents have never really

adapted

> here. So this resistance (non-adaptating) towards everyone and

everything

> here is kind of turning them paranoid, especially with age. They tell

me and

> my brother that we are the " pillars of their life " , " their life

support " ,

> etc etc. This makes me feel very sorry for them since they are lonely

but at

> the same time, everytime I talk/see them its the same story:

> " why are you vegan/vegetarian. who is controlling you "

> " yoga? you are not indian "

> " how are you doing at your job? did they give you a raise? "

> " you must make more and more money "

> " you must go back to school to make more and more and more money "

> etc etc.

> They come off saying these things in a very egotistic, I-know-it-all

type of

> way which I can take for 5-10 minutes, but not any longer.

>

> They basically have the syndrome of the mother who chokes her baby to

death

> out of " her love " .

>

> Now, I do not live with my parents. I 100% support myself, so I am not

> dependent on them for anything.

> The reason im saying this is that I could, but will never, tell them

to

> leave me alone and forget about them.

> I will have to take care of them when they get older because they dont

have

> anyone else. So the dillema that is before me is how do I deal

> with them keep trying to " put me on the right path " and still

maintaining a

> decent relationship.

>

> Any suggestiong/opinions/critism welcome.

> Thank you

> Mike

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Gosh Mike, I could have almost written that post myself! My mother is

divorced and on her own. She constantly tries to interfere with my life

(I'm 39, married with a 4 year old), makes comments on my parenting

skills and give unsolicited advice on anything and everything. It's

gotten to the point that I avoid spending time with her because she is

so negative and it is actually quite painful for me to be around any

negativity these days. I love her dearly, but I feel

guilty/conflicted/sad that I don't want to be around her. I've tried to

talk with her about it and explained that I would welcome her advice if

she gave it to me as an *equal* rather than talking down to me and

making me feel like a child. She wasn't able to accept this, just

became very insulted.

 

While I have no answers for you, because I am seeking them myself, I

wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am curious to read

what others have to say on this subject.

 

Sarita

 

 

, JiNN

<jinnproduction wrote:

>

> Hi everyone!

>

> How is everyone doing?

> I have a strange dillema on my hands. I am wondering if anyone can

suggest

> any sort of solutions to it. This might be a little off-topic but it

has to

> do

> with emotional balancing, especially within the K domain.

>

> In my investigations of things that upset me, lately I have seen that

not

> trying to hurt my parents is the main thing that causes emotional

> inbalances. Basically my biggest emotional upsets come in trying to

balance

> a good relationship with my parents and not letting them control me. I

know

> this may sound like teenager talk, but even though I am 26, my parents

are

> very protective and if I am doing something different than them, they

are

> telling me that " someone is controlling you " . Not telling them what I

do is

> impossible since lately (last 2 years) I became a totally different

person

> in every aspect of the word. Ever since we all (me, my brother and my

> parents) came to US like 16 years ago, my parents have never really

adapted

> here. So this resistance (non-adaptating) towards everyone and

everything

> here is kind of turning them paranoid, especially with age. They tell

me and

> my brother that we are the " pillars of their life " , " their life

support " ,

> etc etc. This makes me feel very sorry for them since they are lonely

but at

> the same time, everytime I talk/see them its the same story:

> " why are you vegan/vegetarian. who is controlling you "

> " yoga? you are not indian "

> " how are you doing at your job? did they give you a raise? "

> " you must make more and more money "

> " you must go back to school to make more and more and more money "

> etc etc.

> They come off saying these things in a very egotistic, I-know-it-all

type of

> way which I can take for 5-10 minutes, but not any longer.

>

> They basically have the syndrome of the mother who chokes her baby to

death

> out of " her love " .

>

> Now, I do not live with my parents. I 100% support myself, so I am not

> dependent on them for anything.

> The reason im saying this is that I could, but will never, tell them

to

> leave me alone and forget about them.

> I will have to take care of them when they get older because they dont

have

> anyone else. So the dillema that is before me is how do I deal

> with them keep trying to " put me on the right path " and still

maintaining a

> decent relationship.

>

> Any suggestiong/opinions/critism welcome.

> Thank you

> Mike

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Honesty is a great thing, even if feelings get hurt, stating your feelings

firmly and kindly, without raised voices, may hurt at first, but they are

hurting you any way, so let them get a bit hurt if need be, its really for their

own good, as you can explain spending time with them would be pleasant if " this

and this' would take place but it is unpleasant when " that and that " take place.

And don't feel guilty.

 

I have had to ram it down my Dad's throat until he took it, and he did, I was

always kind and thoughtful with him, but at times I did have to put him a little

more aggressively in his place.

" Look Dad this is how it is, blah blah, now I respect your wishes you respect

mine. "

Then give them a little alone time to think about it. Space is also a good

thing. If they call you wondering why you haven't visited lately, tell them

straight " because I find you very hard to be around, its draining for me, you

give me a headache with your negativity, I love you but you drain me so I dont

want to be around you " ....etc truth hurts but tough is sometimes good.

Breakdowns can cause break throughs.

 

Change is always uncomfortable for people stuck in a loop but often nessecary,

if they don't respect your wishes, don't spend much time with them. Simple. Hard

fact but true. Toxic behaviour is just that TOXIC. Whether from our loved ones

or strangers.

 

Love elektra x x x

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Hi Mike,

 

yep, its a tough situation. My advice is that its going to be tough to change

the operating dynamics within your family, especially if you are on a path of

consciousness and transformation, and they are not.

 

Still, I feel that if you want to live with integrity and authenticity, then you

will need to get clear on the type of relationship you want, and how you want to

be treated and how yoo will treat them (thats your vision part, and will be in

alignment with your higher self).

 

Once you are clear, then you will need to fight the good fight to figure out a

way to make that vision real in your relationships with them. This may be tough,

yet if you can lead them into a more loving, open embrace, they may be open to

it.

 

I have a sister who is very closed and reactive, and I have made little progress

with her. I am still trying to figure out how to have an open relationship with

her and dont know how to reach her yet; i just know it involves me first

inhabiting and resonating with her world and then from that position of trust,

gently working to a more questioning and open place of communication. Its a

struggle I welcome.. yet, I also know that I cant allow my higher self to be

silenced in order to accomodate her.. 'to thine own self, be true', because you

are the only one who can do that..

 

good luck

Bruce

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for your posts. I feel a new surge of energy towards my

situation

and will try your advise.

 

Much love,

 

Mike

 

On Sat, Jul 11, 2009 at 6:34 AM, bruce_oom <bruce_oom wrote:

 

>

>

> Hi Mike,

>

> yep, its a tough situation. My advice is that its going to be tough to

> change the operating dynamics within your family, especially if you are on a

> path of consciousness and transformation, and they are not.

>

> Still, I feel that if you want to live with integrity and authenticity,

> then you will need to get clear on the type of relationship you want, and

> how you want to be treated and how yoo will treat them (thats your vision

> part, and will be in alignment with your higher self).

>

> Once you are clear, then you will need to fight the good fight to figure

> out a way to make that vision real in your relationships with them. This may

> be tough, yet if you can lead them into a more loving, open embrace, they

> may be open to it.

>

> I have a sister who is very closed and reactive, and I have made little

> progress with her. I am still trying to figure out how to have an open

> relationship with her and dont know how to reach her yet; i just know it

> involves me first inhabiting and resonating with her world and then from

> that position of trust, gently working to a more questioning and open place

> of communication. Its a struggle I welcome.. yet, I also know that I cant

> allow my higher self to be silenced in order to accomodate her.. 'to thine

> own self, be true', because you are the only one who can do that..

>

> good luck

> Bruce

>

>

>

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

(Oh my...I have a run away mouse on my computer today-I'll try again

later)-Danielle

 

, JiNN <jinnproduction

wrote:

>

> Thank you everyone for your posts. I feel a new surge of energy towards my

> situation

> and will try your advise.

>

> Much love,

>

> Mike

>

> On Sat, Jul 11, 2009 at 6:34 AM, bruce_oom <bruce_oom wrote:

>

> >

> >

> > Hi Mike,

> >

> > yep, its a tough situation. My advice is that its going to be tough to

> > change the operating dynamics within your family, especially if you are on a

> > path of consciousness and transformation, and they are not.

> >

> > Still, I feel that if you want to live with integrity and authenticity,

> > then you will need to get clear on the type of relationship you want, and

> > how you want to be treated and how yoo will treat them (thats your vision

> > part, and will be in alignment with your higher self).

> >

> > Once you are clear, then you will need to fight the good fight to figure

> > out a way to make that vision real in your relationships with them. This may

> > be tough, yet if you can lead them into a more loving, open embrace, they

> > may be open to it.

> >

> > I have a sister who is very closed and reactive, and I have made little

> > progress with her. I am still trying to figure out how to have an open

> > relationship with her and dont know how to reach her yet; i just know it

> > involves me first inhabiting and resonating with her world and then from

> > that position of trust, gently working to a more questioning and open place

> > of communication. Its a struggle I welcome.. yet, I also know that I cant

> > allow my higher self to be silenced in order to accomodate her.. 'to thine

> > own self, be true', because you are the only one who can do that..

> >

> > good luck

> > Bruce

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>