Apathy... (Watch this crazy dialogue with myself lol)

[Guest guest]

Here I am about to blab my thoughts for you all to read. I hate being so

seemingly in my head and talking as if I am screaming the loudest over here, but

when I ever have anything to say back to anyone's posts that I know something

about (Which is about .03% here) I will respond. Promise.

 

Ever since I became sick and the Kundalini has moved up to the third eye

area.... I have hit a period of complete apathy. I used to fear waking up one

day to having my third eyelid permanently open, seeing ghosts and the like on a

constant basis and now I really just don't care. I hear things or feel weird

presences and I am like... " Who cares...? " Blah. I doubt that I will even see

them anyways. If I do, I really don't give a s#it either way.

 

I almost feel right now that perhaps I have been imagining the whole Kundalini

awakening. Part of me knows that the sensations I felt and went through were

real. I mean, my temples are still popping, my face twitching, on and on. But a

part of me wonders if all this happened before and I am being psychosomatic.

Perhaps I never noticed the twitches before. Perhaps the spinal sweeps were

wishful thinking? A very real physical sensation... but all in my head.

 

What if the Kundalini just stopped? I don't feel anything new. Nothing

sensational has happened besides what I have described in the past. Is this

about all there is to it? Recognizing little details here and there and jumping

on them like a hungry fly?

 

Sure I went through a lot of clearing. A lot of fears are completely gone.

Things that used to make me sad, I simply don't care about anymore. Things that

make me angry (Like the recent Crucifixion episode here), have simply lost their

fuel. The anger towards Christians was the last thing to go for me. Since

then... just this apathy...

 

Almost feels like I am dead. I felt so apathetic last night, that if someone ran

in and shot me in the head, I totally wouldn't have cared.

 

I just feel like I am doubting this whole experience. When I first awakened I

was so full of wonder. Now I feel like an 80 year old woman at Disneyland. Just

get me to the hotel room to sleep!!! All the kids go play on the rides... I just

wanna read a book.

 

Oh well, if it IS all in my head, maybe I just grew up. Maybe this is just

maturity. Who knows...

 

I know this is probably just a part of the process. I don't know. But somehow I

feel I have hit a wall. Dunno if this is a good or bad thing. It just feels so

anticlimactic. But then again I really don't know what I would have expected

anyways. I guess I kinda just expected a big fireworks show at the end.

 

Hmmm... maybe there isn't one. AHA!!!

 

I think I just answered my own question... I was expecting a big show at the end

which is a lack of surrender on my part. I wasn't SURRENDERING I was EXPECTING.

AHA!!

 

Wow I should post these things more often. Suddenly I no longer feel apathetic.

But since I went through writing this whole damned email, maybe someone will

pull something personal for themselves. I'm just gonna post it anyways.

 

HAHA... love to all.

 

Your crazy Kundalite friend,

-Tiffany S

[Guest guest]

Lovely to have you back. Your comments made me think of -

'Before enlightenment I chopped wood,

after enlightenment, I chopped wood.'

 

When you get tired of the swings and following them - detachment is your key

stone.

 

much love

 

2009/7/12 angelikdementia <angelikdementia

 

>

>

> Here I am about to blab my thoughts for you all to read. I hate being so

> seemingly in my head and talking as if I am screaming the loudest over here,

> but when I ever have anything to say back to anyone's posts that I know

> something about (Which is about .03% here) I will respond. Promise.

>

> Ever since I became sick and the Kundalini has moved up to the third eye

> area.... I have hit a period of complete apathy. I used to fear waking up

> one day to having my third eyelid permanently open, seeing ghosts and the

> like on a constant basis and now I really just don't care. I hear things or

> feel weird presences and I am like... " Who cares...? " Blah. I doubt that I

> will even see them anyways. If I do, I really don't give a s#it either way.

>

> I almost feel right now that perhaps I have been imagining the whole

> Kundalini awakening. Part of me knows that the sensations I felt and went

> through were real. I mean, my temples are still popping, my face twitching,

> on and on. But a part of me wonders if all this happened before and I am

> being psychosomatic. Perhaps I never noticed the twitches before. Perhaps

> the spinal sweeps were wishful thinking? A very real physical sensation...

> but all in my head.

>

> What if the Kundalini just stopped? I don't feel anything new. Nothing

> sensational has happened besides what I have described in the past. Is this

> about all there is to it? Recognizing little details here and there and

> jumping on them like a hungry fly?

>

> Sure I went through a lot of clearing. A lot of fears are completely gone.

> Things that used to make me sad, I simply don't care about anymore. Things

> that make me angry (Like the recent Crucifixion episode here), have simply

> lost their fuel. The anger towards Christians was the last thing to go for

> me. Since then... just this apathy...

>

> Almost feels like I am dead. I felt so apathetic last night, that if

> someone ran in and shot me in the head, I totally wouldn't have cared.

>

> I just feel like I am doubting this whole experience. When I first awakened

> I was so full of wonder. Now I feel like an 80 year old woman at Disneyland.

> Just get me to the hotel room to sleep!!! All the kids go play on the

> rides... I just wanna read a book.

>

> Oh well, if it IS all in my head, maybe I just grew up. Maybe this is just

> maturity. Who knows...

>

> I know this is probably just a part of the process. I don't know. But

> somehow I feel I have hit a wall. Dunno if this is a good or bad thing. It

> just feels so anticlimactic. But then again I really don't know what I would

> have expected anyways. I guess I kinda just expected a big fireworks show at

> the end.

>

> Hmmm... maybe there isn't one. AHA!!!

>

> I think I just answered my own question... I was expecting a big show at

> the end which is a lack of surrender on my part. I wasn't SURRENDERING I was

> EXPECTING. AHA!!

>

> Wow I should post these things more often. Suddenly I no longer feel

> apathetic. But since I went through writing this whole damned email, maybe

> someone will pull something personal for themselves. I'm just gonna post it

> anyways.

>

> HAHA... love to all.

>

> Your crazy Kundalite friend,

> -Tiffany S

>

>

>

 

 

 

--

Tiffany Jones

Patheya

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Hi there Tiffany S! (:

 

So happy you are rambling...it feels good to release it and then yes the mind

somehow clears and sweet silence...

 

But you know what...oh oh ramblings coming...I know that feeling of apathy or my

version of it, well! That was my entire questoniong about deisre and no desire.

To reach enlightenment I have heard it said that all desire must be released but

when I do that (not always trying maybe just ego death) i feel down or perhaps

your word of apathy more applies! I too have questioned everything - if I don't

feel anything for awhile I feel this energy has left me...then I start

questioning my worth blah blah blah! its a funny cycle!

 

When I feel that way too long I have spun down before; it feels for me like I

have to force the will to live. I'm not saying youre saying that - just that I

have gone through periods like that. Thats why this whole desire thing comes to

mind - if I have a desire I feel like living - so our beautiful kundalite

friends here were giving me instructions on desire with no attachment - for me I

don't like feeling the way I feel when I get like this (not your apathy which is

probably healthy normal - but my apathy!ha)

 

There is this line of surrender I notice...the line of surrender and knowing one

is well of joyful surrender of whatever comes your way is just GREAT!!! But to

be honest I have also had the surrender - fine god do what you want with me I

don't care anymore...hahaha kinda a child having a temper tantrum - of i'm not

playing nice anymore - i freakin give up surrender! hahaha So perhaps that is

why now I just try to laugh about most things...its sort of another surrender I

guess that keeps me not so far into apathy that I don't get down and yet

surrender anyway and have some fun along the way

 

you know what Tiffany - this reply is probably not what you had in mind but your

apathy writings reminded me of those moments when my apathy would turn kinda

down - yours seems more like apathy with a twist of freedom! Apathy with Freedom

from control and the freedom to surrender! - just me rambling again but I think

you're doing so great!

And btw I love your blabbing - blabbing all our stuff clears the passages I

think! ha

Much love to you!

Deb

 

, " angelikdementia "

<angelikdementia wrote:

>

[Guest guest]

Namaste

 

dear Tiffany

 

can so understand what you are saying. . .it seems along the way there

are a million little death of that which was both externally and

internally. . .and can with each layer a letting go and feeling dropped.

.. . have often felt like while in the process of K Ma. . .so many times

i would just take a deep breath and say; " Okay, lets just do it and get

it over with!. . .it is your show Ma! " . . . .

kinda like the energetic of this picture;

 

 

[0]

<http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_kirlK7AfRHM/SlpMCcuwHXI/AAAAAAAABM4/DE4OGldWd\

Po/s1600-h/persian_kitten_in_the_bath.jpg> PHEW!

 

 

and the fireworks are yet to come. . .lol!. . .and along the way it

seems easier to say; " expect nothing but be open to everything. "

 

love and light

ordinary sparrow

 

 

 

 

 

<http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_kirlK7AfRHM/SlpMCcuwHXI/AAAAAAAABM4/DE4OGldWd\

Po/s1600-h/persian_kitten_in_the_bath.jpg>

, " angelikdementia "

<angelikdementia wrote:

>

> Here I am about to blab my thoughts for you all to read. I hate being

so seemingly in my head and talking as if I am screaming the loudest

over here, but when I ever have anything to say back to anyone's posts

that I know something about (Which is about .03% here) I will respond.

Promise.

>

> Ever since I became sick and the Kundalini has moved up to the third

eye area.... I have hit a period of complete apathy. I used to fear

waking up one day to having my third eyelid permanently open, seeing

ghosts and the like on a constant basis and now I really just don't

care. I hear things or feel weird presences and I am like... " Who

cares...? " Blah. I doubt that I will even see them anyways. If I do, I

really don't give a s#it either way.

>

> I almost feel right now that perhaps I have been imagining the whole

Kundalini awakening. Part of me knows that the sensations I felt and

went through were real. I mean, my temples are still popping, my face

twitching, on and on. But a part of me wonders if all this happened

before and I am being psychosomatic. Perhaps I never noticed the

twitches before. Perhaps the spinal sweeps were wishful thinking? A very

real physical sensation... but all in my head.

>

> What if the Kundalini just stopped? I don't feel anything new. Nothing

sensational has happened besides what I have described in the past. Is

this about all there is to it? Recognizing little details here and there

and jumping on them like a hungry fly?

>

> Sure I went through a lot of clearing. A lot of fears are completely

gone. Things that used to make me sad, I simply don't care about

anymore. Things that make me angry (Like the recent Crucifixion episode

here), have simply lost their fuel. The anger towards Christians was the

last thing to go for me. Since then... just this apathy...

>

> Almost feels like I am dead. I felt so apathetic last night, that if

someone ran in and shot me in the head, I totally wouldn't have cared.

>

> I just feel like I am doubting this whole experience. When I first

awakened I was so full of wonder. Now I feel like an 80 year old woman

at Disneyland. Just get me to the hotel room to sleep!!! All the kids go

play on the rides... I just wanna read a book.

>

> Oh well, if it IS all in my head, maybe I just grew up. Maybe this is

just maturity. Who knows...

>

> I know this is probably just a part of the process. I don't know. But

somehow I feel I have hit a wall. Dunno if this is a good or bad thing.

It just feels so anticlimactic. But then again I really don't know what

I would have expected anyways. I guess I kinda just expected a big

fireworks show at the end.

>

> Hmmm... maybe there isn't one. AHA!!!

>

> I think I just answered my own question... I was expecting a big show

at the end which is a lack of surrender on my part. I wasn't

SURRENDERING I was EXPECTING. AHA!!

>

> Wow I should post these things more often. Suddenly I no longer feel

apathetic. But since I went through writing this whole damned email,

maybe someone will pull something personal for themselves. I'm just

gonna post it anyways.

>

> HAHA... love to all.

>

> Your crazy Kundalite friend,

> -Tiffany S

>

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Dear tiffany.... I was typing a reply to your post and it just dissappeard....

this happened twice when I was posting to 'carla so I need to check the top of

the list in case I pressed send or my post is in cyberspace and will arrive a

bit late..... if it does not turn up I will post again later.... what is going

on... maybe |I am being told to shut up and stop writing! lol but actually

serious..... Love Julia.

 

 

 

 

________________________________

angelikdementia <angelikdementia

 

Sunday, July 12, 2009 5:48:49 PM

Apathy... (Watch this crazy dialogue

with myself lol)

 

 

...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Hahaha, isn't it wonderful that writing here is often all thats needed to help

you answer your own question or heal your blockage, that happens to me a lot

actually.

A problem shared is a problem going going gone!

 

Love elektra x x x

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Yeah it's amazing what you realize when you simply put your thoughts in linear

form, right out there for you to see. I would strongly advise a journal for

everyone!!!

 

-Tiffany S

 

, Elektra Fire

<elektra.fire wrote:

>

> Hahaha, isn't it wonderful that writing here is often all thats needed to help

you answer your own question or heal your blockage, that happens to me a lot

actually.

> A problem shared is a problem going going gone!

>

> Love elektra x x x

>

>

>

>

>

>