latest shinanigans - Elektra

[Guest guest]

dear Elektra,

 

thank you for writing your story...

 

and what if I told you that I was a murderer, a liar, a rapist, a drug addict, a

terrorist, and more?..lol..

 

putting what I just said in context, i remember several years ago when I was

sitting in an internet cafe writing an email in Chang Mai, Thailand. I had just

been on a meditation retreat, had a backpack full of Jungs books and was getting

into dreams and the shadow, and while I was sitting at the computer, I realized

that I was potentially every possible manifestation of humanity, both good and

bad, and just by being able to recognize it in the world beyond my sepearate

sense of body-mind, it was somehow inside me already, already within my

consciousness.

 

My practice for a long time after was to mentally associate with whatever

experiences or manifestations of humanity seemed outside of me, and towards

which I had an aversion or attraction. I did that for a couple or reasons, one

was to expand my self boundaries, and the other was to be able to resonate with

as many human experiences as possible. I always had a sense that the greatest

love begins with first an embrace and understanding of what is, even though it

may be that which we most want to reject.

 

This didnt mean that I went and became a rapist, for example. What it meant was

that I found the part inside me that felt sexual drives, I felt the egoic part

that desired power over another, I felt the selfish part that wanted to take

what it could without concern for another, only self-gratification. (This gave

birth to a paradoxical compassion for the perpetrators of crimes, seeing how

their actions arose from suffering and a desire to avoiid furthur suffering.

This didnt mean that I condoned what they did; it simply meant that I was able

to understand and love a little more.) I acknowledged those parts,and asked what

their positive intent would be when integrated into my being. I also did those

for positive attractions, although that was somehow more difficult.

 

I also noticed that if I identified with myself as being moral or good (and even

though my actions my be moral and good), then i would need either bad people in

my life by which to define my goodness, or I would do bad things to balance out

the good...

 

and so I started a path of opening, again and again, to what was difficult... I

feel this relates to forgiveness, as by deeply accepting I was not perfect, and

staying gently with the inner tension of my imperfection (which is what

bodhichitta was defined as in one of sparrows posts), not pushing away or trying

to change, I would begin to embrace and love that which was difficult within me.

 

In that sense, I bought love through the presence of my awareness, Gods

awareness, into my damaged parts, and let them be there. So, from that frame,

welcome the fact that you may be a liar and a murderer, and stay with what it

feels to be that, letting it be okay. Welcome the fact that you have high morals

and a tendancy to judge yourself, and stay with that, for its all a part of you.

For me, ending the inner recoil away from the history of my experience and just

letting it be, without agenda, is the moment that forgiveness happens. Yes,

there may be emotional release and tears as tensions are let go, and that is

good

 

love and yin/yang

Bruce

 

 

How awful is that? I considered myself a murderer and a liar.

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