forgiveness and coming clean

[Guest guest]

I have a lot of anger and sadness coming up. My dad has resumed drinking and he

forgets and gets redundant & strongly opinionated. It seems like every time I

consider visiting my family, one of them relapses. I hate addiction! It makes

absolutely no sense to me, such a destructive behavior. Yet, I think the deep

anger and forgiveness work is towards myself for my own past alcohol problem and

all that it brought. I am where I am now as a result of the choices I've made.

when I was drinking, I was s@xually promiscious in part to hurt others and of

course, it ultimately hurt me. It was about power and control, rarely about

love and intimacy, but sometimes it felt powerless. During my alcohol days, i

became pregnant and had an abortion. this was decades ago but still deeply

pains me and I often look at young adults and think about how old my child would

be if I'd had him/her. When I quit drinking, I quit the promiscuity and became

much more controlled, less flexible. Now I've been trying to reclaim something

I seem to have cut off from. The dancing is the beginning of reclaiming this

vital energy. I'm asking K Ma to help me heal this, I surrender it at her feet

by writing to you all about this.

Love and blessings,

Jan

[Guest guest]

Bless you for sharing and having the courage......you will get beyond this point

in life ....we are all with you Jan.

Richard

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

 

 

Jan <drjandean

 

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 12:36:28

 

forgiveness and coming clean

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have a lot of anger and sadness coming up. My dad has resumed drinking and he

forgets and gets redundant & strongly opinionated. It seems like every time I

consider visiting my family, one of them relapses. I hate addiction! It makes

absolutely no sense to me, such a destructive behavior. Yet, I think the deep

anger and forgiveness work is towards myself for my own past alcohol problem and

all that it brought. I am where I am now as a result of the choices I've made.

when I was drinking, I was s@xually promiscious in part to hurt others and of

course, it ultimately hurt me. It was about power and control, rarely about love

and intimacy, but sometimes it felt powerless. During my alcohol days, i became

pregnant and had an abortion. this was decades ago but still deeply pains me and

I often look at young adults and think about how old my child would be if I'd

had him/her. When I quit drinking, I quit the promiscuity and became much more

controlled, less flexible. Now I've been trying to reclaim something I seem to

have cut off from. The dancing is the beginning of reclaiming this vital energy.

I'm asking K Ma to help me heal this, I surrender it at her feet by writing to

you all about this.

Love and blessings,

Jan

[Guest guest]

Namaste

 

dear Jan

 

much love to you and speaking out these places that have wounded and

bruised your heart . . . .and sincere thanksgiving that K Ma is setting

the captives free, and just want you to know that this heart is with you

and i feel the grace and honor of being on this journey with you dear

one. . . Your dance is beautiful and full of goodness and courage. . .

sending a big hug your way. . .

 

Jan i have wondered what and if other people have a vision of K Ma? I

have pondered what Her children will look like when She has created a

new (race) of beings. . . i do not think race is the right word here,

but i do sense that K Ma is creating a new group of human beings these

days. . . .Do others ever think about what our world will look like as K

Ma has transformed and enlivened each persons life and all can live

naked and in the open?

 

when i hear the stories, the transformations, the goodness of hearts,

the carings, the sharings, the givings and the receivings, i see the

vision coming forth i have held in heart . . .i have so wanted there to

be a world where people come together in love, honor, equality, and

equaminty. . . .this group manifests that so beautifully. . . .much

thanks for K Ma, each of you, and for for the years of loving

service for creating a space such as this. . . . i am blessed to be in a

gathering of people venturing; i am that i am. . . .and deeply trust K

Ma, will continue to tranform each life into I Am That I Am. . .

 

such blessing and thanks to you Jan and to all

ordinary sparrow

 

 

 

 

 

, " Jan "

<drjandean wrote:

>

> I have a lot of anger and sadness coming up. My dad has resumed

drinking and he forgets and gets redundant & strongly opinionated. It

seems like every time I consider visiting my family, one of them

relapses. I hate addiction! It makes absolutely no sense to me, such a

destructive behavior. Yet, I think the deep anger and forgiveness work

is towards myself for my own past alcohol problem and all that it

brought. I am where I am now as a result of the choices I've made.

when I was drinking, I was s@xually promiscious in part to hurt others

and of course, it ultimately hurt me. It was about power and control,

rarely about love and intimacy, but sometimes it felt powerless. During

my alcohol days, i became pregnant and had an abortion. this was

decades ago but still deeply pains me and I often look at young adults

and think about how old my child would be if I'd had him/her. When I

quit drinking, I quit the promiscuity and became much more controlled,

less flexible. Now I've been trying to reclaim something I seem to have

cut off from. The dancing is the beginning of reclaiming this vital

energy. I'm asking K Ma to help me heal this, I surrender it at her

feet by writing to you all about this.

> Love and blessings,

> Jan

>

[Guest guest]

We are all with you Jan, now is your time to let it all go, forgive yourself, I know it seems to be so hard at times!!! By forgiving others for their addictions actually helps you forgive yourself also I think. Recently I was getting angry at my Dad, about money, he never has any money and he always asks me for money, over and over, seems like any time he called me on the phone was for money. Severe solar plexus blockage. And so, I sat in the park feeling really angry at him, and then I realised I needed to forgive him. I had the same blockage as him inherited. A blockage passed on to my brother and myself, just like addiction, inherited blockage. By letting go of my anger towards my Dad I could then clear my own blockage and my solar plexus burst open. What I'm trying to say is addiction is a blockage passed on Parent to Child, by forgiving your Dad you

can also allow the inherited blockage within you release, the 2 are linked, and often when you do this the other family members go through miraculous openings also.My Dad is unblocking since I released, something I never thought I'd see EVER!He actually called me yesterday and for the first time just spoke to me and asked me for nothing, he just really missed me and wanted to see me desperately, he sounded really different.You be strong and just let all the anger out , Mother has taken it for you to transmute.You are doing great!!! Lots of love elektra x x x

[Guest guest]

Haven't posted in a while but stop in to read here and there, the discussions over the past couple days have been awesome. The love demonstrated in the recent posts demonstrate such amazing power. Nothing stands in the way of love. My heart wants to burst open with love and connect with another who basks in their uncomprimising beauty.. Everything falls away from us but love, we can look at one another and how powerful love really is.

 

The shadow aspects of ourselves which we experience as guilt, shame, and denial are often our most powerful bonds. When I was just a young teenager the reality that my parents had emotionally abandoned me as a child hit me, and it was very much energized by all the frustration and low self-esteem I was experiencing during that time. It felt like failure after failure after failure, and every day there were countless situations where I felt or was made to feel inferior, incomplete, and stupid. In my anger and sorrow I blamed my parents for never paying attention to me, and focusing entirely on screaming, cussing, and blaming each other and us for their misery. That day I cried and yelled, I told them that they ruined me, and my sister, and blamed our problems on illnesses instead of their own apathy. My teachers always said I was intelligent, and I remember a couple of my teachers coming down hard on my parents

because they knew what was happening.

 

I was always a very sensitive and energetic child, and I really needed to be loved, instead of being trapped in my parents little world where they always wanted to stay home and fight. I'm so isolated now and my life has suffered so many tragedies because I have these natural impulses to help and heal others but cannot get past the fear and tension instilled in my mind about relationships. I looked back over the years at the anger and depression that sapped the energy from my heart. My heart was so neglected and broken that I had no joy to uplift me, and this manifested as a severe slouch in my neck and shoulders. Without that heart energy, these regions collapsed forward and my alignment kept my eyes always pointed to the ground. Today I have plenty of energy within, it has straightened my alignment out, but I don't know how to handle the energy or what to do with and so addictions have become a way to

feel release.

 

My mind and body were almost always unprepared, leaving me to feel like an idiot. So many times I had to think quickly or use my intuition to get through a situation without feeling mortified. This is how I used my intelligence, and it helped me to be clever and have a good sense of humor. Being witty or making people laugh was one possible way of getting attention or making friends. My parent's friends or relatives always thought I was a trip, and that would be fun, and then the talk would turn into this series of excuses about my failing grades and isolation. How I was so sick and had to go to this doctor or that doctor. This always gave me a rotten feeling and it was because I knew the reason why I was so unhealthy or imbalanced was due to emotional and physical neglect.

 

As an adult I realized that I was a scapegoat all of my life. Because I was having health problems and trouble at school, the stress this caused them was blamed on me. It would have been much harder to accept that they wasted precious years and stages of development fighting with each other and watching TV when they could have shaped their lives around my basic needs. Along with the blame, I had to shoulder the idea of being a sick kid, with the health problems like chronic migraines, depression, and insomnia. As I grew into adulthood, I would challenge their attributions and allude to their lack of guidance and discipline when trying to reconcile my failures academically and socially.

 

The energy they modeled was very poisonous to my system generally, but in certain ways it was catastrophically harmful to my unique disposition and individuality. Not only was I never prepared, and sick, their negativity became a part of my own consciousness. As a child I was the tiniest, frailest, mal nourished bully. After growing out of that I always believed I was just a mean person. As a young adult I lived out many of their relationship patterns, which rewarded me with the pain and suffering it gave them. Just as they manipulated my problems with false attributions, I began to practice manipulation and escape. It was also easier for me to make excuses than deal with the reality of my issues than do the massive amount of work it would take to catch up, or to find myself. Constantly bombarded with complaints, criticisms, judgments, and humiliating situations, I cultivated a wicked tongue like my parents

and focused on how I could break the other person down instead of focusing on the merit of what they say. I opted out of life, the constant tension and feelings of panic were wreaking havoc on my nervous system.

 

In my early 20's, after years of absolute hell, I was blessed with an awakening experience. Looking back I wonder if the bliss and euphoria lasted so long because there was a rebound effect from all those years of suffering. Maybe it lasted such a long time so the realizations could permanently impress themselves on my chemistry.. I couldn't return right away to old patterns like depression and self-hate because of that intense bliss, which kept me looking at everything as if I'd never seen it before. Almost a year later I felt the duality sink back in, because of many months of joy and curiousity, it felt like a knife invaded my bliss consciousness. The old patterns returned but were weak and unreal, and it became my focus since then to purify them and follow that bliss.

 

Having new eyes to see the world, all that I hated about my life became a source of wisdom and compassion. The surrender and acceptance came very easily, and I looked back at everything I ever experienced that I loved or hated and forgave it all. It felt so good to release the bonds that kept me living in the past. Now I could work on healing my relationships and giving this love to my family.

 

There is no doubt that this spiritual way of loving had a huge impact on everyone around me. Things were not perfect all of a sudden, but this spiritually based love began to withstand and transmute family, cultural, and biological cycles. The old relationship dynamics were based on the ego and its illusions, and now this new presence in our lives began to break the pattern. The shame and guilt was still being carried by my parents and siblings, and when it came to my relationships I offered understanding and forgiveness. Here and there my parents would make comments about my childhood when they were feeling self-conscious or low in energy. They'd say I blamed them for not being there and every time this happened I would release them of any guilt or shame. After assuring them so many times that I understand their perspective and harbor no grudges, it became clear that they had to forgive themselves for any of

their percieved failures.

 

Things are not perfect for me now, but I accept how things came to be and value all of it for what it teaches me about life. Allowing life to be what it is gives me peace. Understanding it gives me the chance to change the course of my life and those around me. My life will never be perfect, and it isn't meant to be. I experience the flowering of life, the evolutionary process, and success to me is when we allow our presence to look at what is unfolding and make conscious choices to change something for the better.

 

Many thanks to the group for demonstrating courage and offering an encompassing love.

 

KB

 

 

 

Elektra Fire <elektra.fire A's, but there was hardly ever a

 

 

Friday, July 31, 2009 2:41:16 AMRe: forgiveness and coming clean

 

 

 

 

We are all with you Jan, now is your time to let it all go, forgive yourself, I know it seems to be so hard at times!!! By forgiving others for their addictions actually helps you forgive yourself also I think. Recently I was getting angry at my Dad, about money, he never has any money and he always asks me for money, over and over, seems like any time he called me on the phone was for money. Severe solar plexus blockage. And so, I sat in the park feeling really angry at him, and then I realised I needed to forgive him. I had the same blockage as him inherited. A blockage passed on to my brother and myself, just like addiction, inherited blockage. By letting go of my anger towards my Dad I could then clear my own blockage and my solar plexus burst open. What I'm trying to say is addiction is a blockage passed on Parent to Child, by forgiving your Dad you can also allow the inherited blockage within you release, the 2 are linked, and

often when you do this the other family members go through miraculous openings also.My Dad is unblocking since I released, something I never thought I'd see EVER!He actually called me yesterday and for the first time just spoke to me and asked me for nothing, he just really missed me and wanted to see me desperately, he sounded really different.You be strong and just let all the anger out , Mother has taken it for you to transmute.You are doing great!!! Lots of love elektra x x x

[Guest guest]

Namaste

 

dear Zack

 

i have wondered how you are doing and glad to read your post. . . .

 

it is good to know the extent that K Ma has brought you and there is so

much transformation in your life and others because of your courage and

commitment. . . .

 

the power found in forgiveness continues to amaze and bless with each

person that has the courage to go there. . . . recently watched a

documentary called " Forgiving Dr. Menegela " of a woman in the

concentration camps. She made the decision to forgive and so many of

the other survivors where angry at her decision of forgiveness yet all

one needed to do was to look the faces of those that forgive and those

that chose not to and see freedom or the continued imprisonment. . . .

Zack glad you have chosen freedom. . . .

 

and Zack i think these began to really change for me with the deep

realization that as we do our work then others are so often released

with us and the process changes from the personal to being part of

something that is much greater than the personal. . . . .Zack it is cool

that the " problem child " is the one that is showing the way to peace and

sanity, truly you are the courageous one in. . .

 

thanks for sharing what K Ma has brought you through and where you are

these days. . .

 

love and peace

ordinary sparrow

 

, Zack Nemeth

<karmaburn8 wrote:

>

> Haven't posted in a while but stop in to read here and there, the

discussions over the past couple days have been awesome. The love

demonstrated in the recent posts demonstrate such amazing power.

Nothing stands in the way of love. My heart wants to burst open with

love and connect with another who basks in their uncomprimising beauty.

Everything falls away from us but love, we can look at one another and

how powerful love really is..

>

> The shadow aspects of ourselves which we experience as guilt, shame,

and denial are often our most powerful bonds. When I was just a young

teenager the reality that my parents had emotionally abandoned me as a

child hit me, and it was very much energized by all the frustration and

low self-esteem I was experiencing during that time. It felt like

failure after failure after failure, and every day there were countless

situations where I felt or was made to feel inferior, incomplete, and

stupid. In my anger and sorrow I blamed my parents for never paying

attention to me, and focusing entirely on screaming, cussing, and

blaming each other and us for their misery. That day I cried and

yelled, I told them that they ruined me, and my sister, and blamed our

problems on illnesses instead of their own apathy. My teachers always

said I was intelligent, and I remember a couple of my teachers coming

down hard on my parents because they knew what was

> happening.

>

> I was always a very sensitive and energetic child, and I really needed

to be loved, instead of being trapped in my parents little world where

they always wanted to stay home and fight. I'm so isolated now and my

life has suffered so many tragedies because I have these natural

impulses to help and heal others but cannot get past the fear and

tension instilled in my mind about relationships. I looked back over

the years at the anger and depression that sapped the energy from my

heart. My heart was so neglected and broken that I had no joy to uplift

me, and this manifested as a severe slouch in my neck and shoulders.

Without that heart energy, these regions collapsed forward and my

alignment kept my eyes always pointed to the ground. Today I have

plenty of energy within, it has straightened my alignment out, but I

don't know how to handle the energy or what to do with and so addictions

have become a way to feel release.

>

> My mind and body were almost always unprepared, leaving me to feel

like an idiot. So many times I had to think quickly or use my intuition

to get through a situation without feeling mortified. This is how I

used my intelligence, and it helped me to be clever and have a good

sense of humor. Being witty or making people laugh was one possible way

of getting attention or making friends. My parent's friends or

relatives always thought I was a trip, and that would be fun, and then

the talk would turn into this series of excuses about my failing grades

and isolation. How I was so sick and had to go to this doctor or that

doctor. This always gave me a rotten feeling and it was because I knew

the reason why I was so unhealthy or imbalanced was due to emotional and

physical neglect.

>

> As an adult I realized that I was a scapegoat all of my life. Because

I was having health problems and trouble at school, the stress this

caused them was blamed on me. It would have been much harder to accept

that they wasted precious years and stages of development fighting with

each other and watching TV when they could have shaped their lives

around my basic needs. Along with the blame, I had to shoulder the idea

of being a sick kid, with the health problems like chronic migraines,

depression, and insomnia. As I grew into adulthood, I would challenge

their attributions and allude to their lack of guidance and discipline

when trying to reconcile my failures academically and socially.

>

> The energy they modeled was very poisonous to my system generally, but

in certain ways it was catastrophically harmful to my unique disposition

and individuality. Not only was I never prepared, and sick, their

negativity became a part of my own consciousness. As a child I was the

tiniest, frailest, mal nourished bully.. After growing out of that I

always believed I was just a mean person. As a young adult I lived out

many of their relationship patterns, which rewarded me with the pain and

suffering it gave them. Just as they manipulated my problems with false

attributions, I began to practice manipulation and escape. It was also

easier for me to make excuses than deal with the reality of my issues

than do the massive amount of work it would take to catch up, or to find

myself. Constantly bombarded with complaints, criticisms, judgments,

and humiliating situations, I cultivated a wicked tongue like my parents

and focused on how I could break

> the other person down instead of focusing on the merit of what they

say. I opted out of life, the constant tension and feelings of panic

were wreaking havoc on my nervous system.

>

> In my early 20's, after years of absolute hell, I was blessed with an

awakening experience. Looking back I wonder if the bliss and euphoria

lasted so long because there was a rebound effect from all those years

of suffering. Maybe it lasted such a long time so the realizations

could permanently impress themselves on my chemistry. I couldn't return

right away to old patterns like depression and self-hate because of that

intense bliss, which kept me looking at everything as if I'd never seen

it before. Almost a year later I felt the duality sink back in, because

of many months of joy and curiousity, it felt like a knife invaded my

bliss consciousness. The old patterns returned but were weak and

unreal, and it became my focus since then to purify them and follow that

bliss.

>

> Having new eyes to see the world, all that I hated about my life

became a source of wisdom and compassion. The surrender and acceptance

came very easily, and I looked back at everything I ever experienced

that I loved or hated and forgave it all. It felt so good to release

the bonds that kept me living in the past. Now I could work on healing

my relationships and giving this love to my family.

>

> There is no doubt that this spiritual way of loving had a huge impact

on everyone around me. Things were not perfect all of a sudden, but

this spiritually based love began to withstand and transmute family,

cultural, and biological cycles. The old relationship dynamics were

based on the ego and its illusions, and now this new presence in our

lives began to break the pattern. The shame and guilt was still being

carried by my parents and siblings, and when it came to my relationships

I offered understanding and forgiveness. Here and there my parents

would make comments about my childhood when they were feeling

self-conscious or low in energy. They'd say I blamed them for not being

there and every time this happened I would release them of any guilt or

shame. After assuring them so many times that I understand their

perspective and harbor no grudges, it became clear that they had to

forgive themselves for any of their percieved failures.

>

> Things are not perfect for me now, but I accept how things came to be

and value all of it for what it teaches me about life. Allowing life to

be what it is gives me peace. Understanding it gives me the chance to

change the course of my life and those around me. My life will never be

perfect, and it isn't meant to be. I experience the flowering of life,

the evolutionary process, and success to me is when we allow our

presence to look at what is unfolding and make conscious choices to

change something for the better.

>

> Many thanks to the group for demonstrating courage and offering an

encompassing love.

>

> KB

>

> We are all with you Jan, now is your time to let it all go, forgive

yourself, I know it seems to be so hard at times!!! By forgiving others

for their addictions actually helps you forgive yourself also I think.

> Recently I was getting angry at my Dad, about money, he never has any

money and he always asks me for money, over and over, seems like any

time he called me on the phone was for money. Severe solar plexus

blockage. And so, I sat in the park feeling really angry at him, and

then I realised I needed to forgive him. I had the same blockage as him

inherited. A blockage passed on to my brother and myself, just like

addiction, inherited blockage. By letting go of my anger towards my Dad

I could then clear my own blockage and my solar plexus burst open. What

I'm trying to say is addiction is a blockage passed on Parent to Child,

by forgiving your Dad you can also allow the inherited blockage within

you release, the 2 are linked, and often when you do this the other

family members go through miraculous openings also.

> My Dad is unblocking since I released, something I never thought I'd

see EVER!

> He actually called me yesterday and for the first time just spoke to

me and asked me for nothing, he just really missed me and wanted to see

me desperately, he sounded really different.

>

> You be strong and just let all the anger out , Mother has taken it for

you to transmute.

> You are doing great!!! Lots of love elektra x x x

>

[Guest guest]

Sparrow,

 

Thank you for sharing a moment with me in time to look at the world from our true nature.

 

The past few months have been a pretty wild ride, there were some energies or something that caused to rapid change in my perspective. There was some upgrades or reprogramming. Maybe I was able to hold myself in a vibration long enough, despite circumstances, which allowed for something within to crystalize and bring forth a deeper and more potent energy. A shift occured at one point, and I do not exagerate when I say that after the moment the world had changed into something else. This moment I refer to included deep contemplation but it was accompanied by cold kundalini currents throughout my entire body. It was shocking to my system because I observed in my thoughts a fear of letting go, as if a major transformation was happening. I thought of my loved ones and dreams, attachments more or less, and the fear of losing them was itself a requeset for slower change. It became apparent to me

that I am attached to things in this world and too much change too fast put a spotlight on how much I depend on the familiar. This experience indicates two things, that I create and manifest my world and there are things I need to do or things to let go before I can move on.

 

There have also been some very interesting syncronicities. There was something stringing together in my consciousness, a quality in my vibration attracted so many things that resonated with my experiences. The entire world seemed to be uplifted in certain ways, and they would speak to me through a hightened recognition of things. Everyone in the group knows what this is like, to sign on a read about something you are going through and to take from the share exactly what you need for something to fall into place. This was happening in all the arenas of my life. My experience of the world has become increasingly symbolic, and I try to always make the intention that everything that unfolds now be for the highest good. Whenever I observe the mind make its judgments or the body generate a feeling, what follows is a conscious amendment that qualifies what is happening based on my deepest sense of truth.

 

Lately I have been going through some major changes in my alignment. The energies are flowing more uniformly through the body. When I imagine myself grounding into the earth my energy buckles the hips a bit and my legs assume a stable position. From this stance I will call upon the heavenly energies by naturally straightening my back, like a good stretch, and allow my arms to rise out of this alignment to recieve energy. Sometimes I will do this during meditaiton or prayer, and the current from above and below will flow into each other through my body. Surrending into these currents feels good, the body moves as fluidly as water as nerves plexuses react to the energy flowing through the chakras and nadis. Right now my neck, shoulders, and upper back are undergoing another shift, the energy is focusing there to help me hold the alignment. The chakras have been tied together by the breath many times, and

everytime my body becomes more perfect or aligned. My body developed under massive stress, which deformed it in many ways, and so my energy body has been consistently breaking down obstructions to free up areas that have carried tension most of my life. Energy is always calling into my body its natural geometry to reinstate the form I was born to have.

 

Life has been an amazing experience, the little things have meant so much because they have been permeated with energy. There is so much going happening on so many levels it is hard to make sense of it all and what it all means or how it influences my world. With all the changes and focus for manifesting I have experienced much fear, frustration, and alienation. I try not to make judgments about it. I let the feelings pass, and in the back of my mind I'm blown away by this life. It has been a major challenge, but some part of me really seems to enjoy ALL of it. So many earth shattering experiences have occured in my aloneness, and in my aloneness they have been mine.

 

KB

 

 

 

ordinarysparrow <ordinarysparrow Sent: Sunday, August 2, 2009 6:30:30 PM Re: forgiveness and coming clean

Namastedear Zacki have wondered how you are doing and glad to read your post. . . .it is good to know the extent that K Ma has brought you and there is somuch transformation in your life and others because of your courage andcommitment. . . .the power found in forgiveness continues to amaze and bless with eachperson that has the courage to go there. . . . recently watched adocumentary called "Forgiving Dr. Menegela" of a woman in theconcentration camps. She made the decision to forgive and so many ofthe other survivors where angry at her decision of forgiveness yet allone needed to do was to look the faces of those that forgive and thosethat chose not to and see freedom or the continued imprisonment. . . .Zack glad you have chosen freedom. . . .and Zack i think these began to really change for me with the deeprealization that as we do our work then others are so often

releasedwith us and the process changes from the personal to being part ofsomething that is much greater than the personal. . . . .Zack it is coolthat the "problem child" is the one that is showing the way to peace andsanity, truly you are the courageous one in. . .thanks for sharing what K Ma has brought you through and where you arethese days.. . .love and peaceordinary sparrowKundalini-Awakening -Systems- 1 , Zack Nemeth<karmaburn8@ ...> wrote:>> Haven't posted in a while but stop in to read here and there, thediscussions over the past couple days have been awesome. The lovedemonstrated in the recent posts demonstrate such amazing power. Nothing stands in the way of love. My heart wants

to burst open withlove and connect with another who basks in their uncomprimising beauty. Everything falls away from us but love, we can look at one another andhow powerful love really is..>> The shadow aspects of ourselves which we experience as guilt, shame,and denial are often our most powerful bonds. When I was just a youngteenager the reality that my parents had emotionally abandoned me as achild hit me, and it was very much energized by all the frustration andlow self-esteem I was experiencing during that time. It felt likefailure after failure after failure, and every day there were countlesssituations where I felt or was made to feel inferior, incomplete, andstupid. In my anger and sorrow I blamed my parents for never payingattention to me, and focusing entirely on screaming, cussing, andblaming each other and us for their misery. That day I cried andyelled, I told them that they

ruined me, and my sister, and blamed ourproblems on illnesses instead of their own apathy. My teachers alwayssaid I was intelligent, and I remember a couple of my teachers comingdown hard on my parents because they knew what was> happening.>> I was always a very sensitive and energetic child, and I really neededto be loved, instead of being trapped in my parents little world wherethey always wanted to stay home and fight. I'm so isolated now and mylife has suffered so many tragedies because I have these naturalimpulses to help and heal others but cannot get past the fear andtension instilled in my mind about relationships. I looked back overthe years at the anger and depression that sapped the energy from myheart. My heart was so neglected and broken that I had no joy to upliftme, and this manifested as a severe slouch in my neck and shoulders. Without that heart energy, these regions

collapsed forward and myalignment kept my eyes always pointed to the ground. Today I haveplenty of energy within, it has straightened my alignment out, but Idon't know how to handle the energy or what to do with and so addictionshave become a way to feel release.>> My mind and body were almost always unprepared, leaving me to feellike an idiot. So many times I had to think quickly or use my intuitionto get through a situation without feeling mortified. This is how Iused my intelligence, and it helped me to be clever and have a goodsense of humor. Being witty or making people laugh was one possible wayof getting attention or making friends. My parent's friends orrelatives always thought I was a trip, and that would be fun, and thenthe talk would turn into this series of excuses about my failing gradesand isolation. How I was so sick and had to go to this doctor or thatdoctor. This always

gave me a rotten feeling and it was because I knewthe reason why I was so unhealthy or imbalanced was due to emotional andphysical neglect.>> As an adult I realized that I was a scapegoat all of my life.. BecauseI was having health problems and trouble at school, the stress thiscaused them was blamed on me. It would have been much harder to acceptthat they wasted precious years and stages of development fighting witheach other and watching TV when they could have shaped their livesaround my basic needs. Along with the blame, I had to shoulder the ideaof being a sick kid, with the health problems like chronic migraines,depression, and insomnia. As I grew into adulthood, I would challengetheir attributions and allude to their lack of guidance and disciplinewhen trying to reconcile my failures academically and socially.>> The energy they modeled was very poisonous to my system

generally, butin certain ways it was catastrophically harmful to my unique dispositionand individuality. Not only was I never prepared, and sick, theirnegativity became a part of my own consciousness. As a child I was thetiniest, frailest, mal nourished bully.. After growing out of that Ialways believed I was just a mean person. As a young adult I lived outmany of their relationship patterns, which rewarded me with the pain andsuffering it gave them. Just as they manipulated my problems with falseattributions, I began to practice manipulation and escape. It was alsoeasier for me to make excuses than deal with the reality of my issuesthan do the massive amount of work it would take to catch up, or to findmyself. Constantly bombarded with complaints, criticisms, judgments,and humiliating situations, I cultivated a wicked tongue like my parentsand focused on how I could break> the other person down

instead of focusing on the merit of what theysay. I opted out of life, the constant tension and feelings of panicwere wreaking havoc on my nervous system.>> In my early 20's, after years of absolute hell, I was blessed with anawakening experience. Looking back I wonder if the bliss and euphorialasted so long because there was a rebound effect from all those yearsof suffering. Maybe it lasted such a long time so the realizationscould permanently impress themselves on my chemistry. I couldn't returnright away to old patterns like depression and self-hate because of thatintense bliss, which kept me looking at everything as if I'd never seenit before. Almost a year later I felt the duality sink back in, becauseof many months of joy and curiousity, it felt like a knife invaded mybliss consciousness. The old patterns returned but were weak andunreal, and it became my focus since then to purify them

and follow thatbliss.>> Having new eyes to see the world, all that I hated about my lifebecame a source of wisdom and compassion. The surrender and acceptancecame very easily, and I looked back at everything I ever experiencedthat I loved or hated and forgave it all. It felt so good to releasethe bonds that kept me living in the past. Now I could work on healingmy relationships and giving this love to my family.>> There is no doubt that this spiritual way of loving had a huge impacton everyone around me. Things were not perfect all of a sudden, butthis spiritually based love began to withstand and transmute family,cultural, and biological cycles. The old relationship dynamics werebased on the ego and its illusions, and now this new presence in ourlives began to break the pattern. The shame and guilt was still beingcarried by my parents and siblings, and when it came to my

relationshipsI offered understanding and forgiveness. Here and there my parentswould make comments about my childhood when they were feelingself-conscious or low in energy. They'd say I blamed them for not beingthere and every time this happened I would release them of any guilt orshame. After assuring them so many times that I understand theirperspective and harbor no grudges, it became clear that they had toforgive themselves for any of their percieved failures.>> Things are not perfect for me now, but I accept how things came to beand value all of it for what it teaches me about life. Allowing life tobe what it is gives me peace. Understanding it gives me the chance tochange the course of my life and those around me. My life will never beperfect, and it isn't meant to be. I experience the flowering of life,the evolutionary process, and success to me is when we allow ourpresence to look

at what is unfolding and make conscious choices tochange something for the better.>> Many thanks to the group for demonstrating courage and offering anencompassing love.>> KB>> We are all with you Jan, now is your time to let it all go, forgiveyourself, I know it seems to be so hard at times!!! By forgiving othersfor their addictions actually helps you forgive yourself also I think.> Recently I was getting angry at my Dad, about money, he never has anymoney and he always asks me for money, over and over, seems like anytime he called me on the phone was for money. Severe solar plexusblockage.. And so, I sat in the park feeling really angry at him, andthen I realised I needed to forgive him. I had the same blockage as himinherited. A blockage passed on to my brother and myself, just likeaddiction, inherited blockage. By letting go of my anger towards my DadI could

then clear my own blockage and my solar plexus burst open. WhatI'm trying to say is addiction is a blockage passed on Parent to Child,by forgiving your Dad you can also allow the inherited blockage withinyou release, the 2 are linked, and often when you do this the otherfamily members go through miraculous openings also.> My Dad is unblocking since I released, something I never thought I'dsee EVER!> He actually called me yesterday and for the first time just spoke tome and asked me for nothing, he just really missed me and wanted to seeme desperately, he sounded really different.>> You be strong and just let all the anger out , Mother has taken it foryou to transmute.> You are doing great!!! Lots of love elektra x x x>