Introduction

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone, I wanted to introduce myself to the group.

 

I live in the UK and five years ago I was in London and took shaktipat. I got

divorced and went into eight months of beautiful light experiences but at the

same time I was possessed by a demon, it felt like the devil was coming to kill

me and the whole of reality dissolved.

 

I came out of that in a bad way, very weak physically (I think I nearly died)

and very very angry, with no faith. I moved house with my children to the

countryside and did some healing (I'm a good healer and even managed to save

someone's life) and had a new relationship with a man who said he wanted to be

with me but didn't, who had no interest in my life or building something real,

and had more light experiences but they felt more like my warning radar coming

back on.

 

My boyfriend left in November because he doesn't want to have to deal with my

kids, and it kickstarted me into taking care of myself again. I found a healer

who is helping me to reintegrate my shattered pieces. I've been emotionally all

over the place and had panic attacks and it's been hard but I'm now much more

grounded and can say no to my pain more easily and come into the moment more

readily.

 

I'm having lots of light experiences, sometimes voices, I'm doing lots of EFT

and praying to clear my thoughts and I also had one very big and painful time of

realising that whatever I want, I only get this moment, but that's turning out

to be really integrating.

 

the other big thing I've realised is that when I'm in pain, the pain is not the

pain of not being loved, it's the pain of not being love.

 

but things are slow and I wonder why I should be so slow when it gives me so

much pain, I'm loving myself as much as I can but I look at my ex-husband who

did everything right and has rebuilt a good life while I bump along the bottom

of this and feel that the past five years have been wasted and eaten by a

terrible unhappiness. I still have nasty continuing voices that say 'I am dying

of cancer' and things like that and they are sharp and painful. I don't believe

I deserve this, and yet I know these thoughts are all mine to deal with, it's

hard to know how sometimes though.

 

I also realised that I always go for men who will not support me, this is a

pattern of my life (I will fall for the ones who won't come) and I have many

obsessive thoughts around them. in fact this is a defining pattern of my life

and I'm very afraid that I won't be able to heal it but I'm desperate to because

I can see it now for what it is and always has been.

 

I thought talking about it would help, I'm sorry if it sounds like a moan, but I

am feeling better than I have in five years and at least I'm talking again!

 

Amanda