Some things i wanted to share and hope for some advice

[Guest guest]

Dear Group,

 

Contemplating about my life and my way. I wanted to share some things...

ow, i'm in my male part. i've got the hang of the feeling when being in the

male or female part.

My Sacred Marriage seems kinda failing.

while i'm sitting in a park in Gent, under a tree... this due to the fact

i've been evicted. It my fault, for having a kind of trouble raising money

and paying my bills.

anyway. last weekend i had a Ayahuasca Ceremonie.

it was a fun experience and i learned some things about myself.

the whole ceremonie took 3 days.

the evening of the first night i met everyone. talked to some off them.

before engaging the first night, i talked to the Shaman. He told me i needed

to work on my honesty and needed to pay good attention.

the first night felt like a initiation. i only took a shotglas of ayahuasca,

just to begin with.

then i started feeling being connected and some small things issues being

worked out. i saw what i can only describe as " demons " attacting me.

when asking in the morning what happened. the shaman told me it was only

illusions. i left it like that. not wanting to push my luck.

during the second day i talked to a very nice man who tolded me it was a

good thing i participated to the ceremonie and it would help me out. he told

me that there were things done to me, meaning being unjustly treated. But if

i did my best, everything would work out just fine.

by the end of the second day a woman joined who looked very simular to what

is considered by me as my " perfect " twinflame. Only she had dark curly hair

and black eyes instead of blond curly hair and blue eyes. Also her figure

was different. but anyway. She came pretty close to the image.

the second night it was really intense. I had trouble concentrating. while

lying flat on the floor with my eyes closed i saw marvalous images.

My male side was apparently split in 2 parts near the tail. A weak part that

was good and a strong part that was powerfull and very pissed off.

the whole time of the ceremonie, there was a battle within me between the

weak side and the strong side.

My Female side was inluminated. she was very pretty and majesticly. I felt

awefull for what had happened to us. For what my male side had done because

of what happened to us.

the " bad " male side looked very thick and fat.

when my stomage began to fill up, i had the distinct feeling of trowing up.

i felt a pressure behind my ear, my male side wanted to trow up. but with my

tonsils missing, i couldn't. i realised what i had done to my body.

Then almost everyone in the room started to trow up... and at the same time

the pressure in my stomache went away. i felt releaved again, more or less.

after some time, the Shaman started to speak and the woman who resembled my

" twinflame " did the translation.

the Shaman said i needed to walk around, go outside and listen to the tree,

for they would tell me how they manage live in general.

When going outside, kinda resented the whole thing, i didn't notice at

first, but when sitting down, i saw one of the women who attented crying.

when trying to give up the battle, i noticed how quite everything around me

was... then the woman went away, and a other one came instead.

she went inside, so i kinda followed her...

i sat down again, it was so hard to be present. the bad part cried out to be

slain, to get it over with, it felt ashamed of it's past actions.

it felt unbareble.... when having that thought one of women started to cry

i jumped up and after some time went near her, asking if everything was

alright.

one of the ceremonie helpers said i needed to leave her alone and i left the

room to sit in the kitchen.

the person who tolded me came after me and said i could never interfere with

something like that, but he found it to be " ok " , because i was unaware of

it.

i just replied that in my opinion no one gave her attention and i wanted to

see if she needed help in any kind.

after a while i went back into the group.

the conversation started again... the Shaman spoke and the " twinflame "

translated.

She told me the Great Spirit and herself was happy that i tried to do my

best to be present... to be aware.

but that i needed to be more aware. and needed practise on that.

there was a long way to go and lots to do.

i remember she said more, but have it difficult to remember what it was.

a lot of things fel into it's place... images, impressions about the whole.

in the morning everything became " normal " again.

when talking to one guy, he made me feel uncomfortable. his way of being

felt like he wanted to fight me. the look on his face was strange.

i tried to stay away from him. but he left.

during the day, i talked to some. but felt unease.

i tried to hard i think.

i was in doubt about what to do. to leave or to stay.

i wanted to 2 part to become one again. the male side then.

at least to have that again. so i could become whole again.

near the evening i wanted it... however, this apparently was to difficult or

so.

the whole night i had trouble finding my ease...

i tried to listen, but that stupid little voice came every 5 seconds or

so...

then this guy came sitting next to me. i felt more unease, but taking deep

breathe, i relaxed some.

after some time, the Shaman's son told him to sit at his previous place.

i tolded the woman next to me, who gave me a charming bracelet from a

tibetan nun that i had trouble finding my easy. she told me to listen to my

heart beating.

i tried, but it seemed so hard to do. that voice came back. then the Shaman

said something and the english translation was more or less a weak

personality.

when the sun came up, i was so glad that the whole event was over...

the woman who gave me the charming braceletk

in the morning, after a lot of forward and back, i went home.

i felt kinda good about myself.

when entering my appartment, it was like nothing happened, it started al

over again... not knowing what to do, where to be.

and giving in to lower habits. So, with the help of a friend, i moved the

remainders of my stuff into a storage facility.

left my place and am now on the street.

for one reason or an other, i feel more comfortable being on the streets.

yeah, it can be cold some moments...

for the moment it hardly matters...

i need to find peace within me

 

while being here, there have been moments that i'm connected.

a little earlier, a group of people past me and a woman said something like

25, no home, no food... then something i hardly understood wich ended with

then he will have some work.

 

the urge of standing up and saying to her.

What is your problem anyway?

You complain about my situation, while being with people who accually rape

you...

and you claim you love them (even after is it). You thinks it's fair? i

wonder if you really understand love.

yeah, i made a huge mistake by wanting to understand whatever it was that

they did to you.

and when i realised it was so damn wrong, it was to late, it already

happened.

i feel ashamed of my past actions, but whatever i do, you give me the

constant feeling of not good enough for you.

what do you accually desire from me? what in the Universe can make you see

it from my side?

you claim i'm weak, that this marriage never going to work. that i'm a

deceiver...

like i said, i made stupid mistakes... are you then without mistakes?

if you want to trow stones, do so, but take a big enough stone, so you can

put me out of my miserie

This marriage is everything to me, but apparently for you it's...

 

but no, i refuse to even say that in the face. far from couwardness,

more out of respect for her... because stupid mistakes where made by me.

this is how i feel... maybe i should say it at least once.

if she asks me to go to hell, well, if Krisna desires this, then i will...

But Good Heaven, this event is pulling me appart...

 

i hardly know anymore...

 

My plan now is to go to South of France, maybe find a farmer by who i can

work for loging, food and 1euro a houre, and in the mean time rebuilding

myself.

trying to find a way to explain to those " unconnected " what the heck is

going on here. (it's a thing that was required from me)

 

kind regards,

 

Thierry

 

--

ShinSham

DTL Heer Lorcan

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Hello Thierry,

I have been where you are dear friend and I feel you are being

healed by the release of the old attachments. You are starting fresh and new and

you did a very good thing for yourself with the ayahuasca. Nice going! Now

address the male side that wanted to be slain and forgive him. Empower the other

side of you and begin to change (as you are) the way you respond to the

challenges from others.

 

You will begin to have opportunities come your way Thierry, look for these and

be open to new experiences. As this occurs a new balance can be achieved by you

and from there your new life will come looking for you!

 

Stay strong and stay open and do not fear or lose hope. Everything is pointing

to a new sunrise within you and the blessed days that follow can be filled with

love and gifts of love you allow to flow towards you. So nice going and no

worries! Keep us apprised when you can dear Thierry. - chrism