with gratitude

[Guest guest]

thank you all, every single one of you, I appreciate your comments and support

and your personal experiences. Y'all have helped put me back on my path to

emotional growth. My doubt in the path that has been shown to me has allowed

these emotions to surface, and with that I'm truly grateful. I have confidence

again for this path of emotional growth.

 

I feel like there were 2 roads to take at the moment. 1- to continue the class

and continually face my fears, which I don't even know what they are anymore,

and move through this experience holding onto a rope in what feels like a

category 5 hurricane. Or 2- maybe all of my fear in some form or another is a

fear of failure and this is my opportunity to learn to love myself

unconditionally, to love myself even in the face of 'failure' cause one things

for certain, I've realized that I don't love myself unconditionally...

 

With soccer, with music, with relationships, anything that I strive to do or

strive to be, I get to a point where I feel like there is something that I need

to overcome because I'm not happy anymore, which is true I need to get to the

source of my unhappiness, but on the other hand, this keeps me trapped in

something that's not working for me anymore. I'll allow it to drag on and on and

on and it's partially out of fear that I will make a grave mistake by

'quitting'.

 

my question is: how do I know if I'm attempting to face Goliath when I'm not

ready? Or maybe a better question is am I a fish trying to swallow the whole sea

by having so much fear and even being fearful of getting a regular job to

skipping the gradual steps and diving right into something that causes intense

terror in me (and I'm willing to admit that I think that I'm also really afraid

of having someone's life in my hands)? Everything, I mean everything about this

course generates the feeling of fear in me, every aspect even past the

communications aspect. This is probably something that only I have the answer

to.

 

I'm back on the bath of becoming an EMT though. I know that I need a lot of work

and one thing I haven't been good at is being gentle with myself. Maybe this

whole experience was to show me just how ungentle I am. I figure I'll get jobs

and stay with them a while until I feel that it's time to move on and explore

other types of jobs. Then once I've mastered the emotional cleansing procedure I

have been guided to, I'll take up a volunteer job at a hospice, and take random

classes that I'd be interested in but without so much pressure, like learning to

ride a motorcycle and see my progress by putting myself in the classroom

atmosphere (there are 2 things that generate a lot of fear in me, being in a

classroom and being in a courtroom). But then I realize that I'm thinking too

much and trying to control my future and trying to seek solace in a future that

promises to finally allow me to achieve my authentic peace...I know I'm to

analytical about all of this...

 

My question is: did I fail because I resorted to drama (ie. changing my physical

circumstances to decrease my level of discomfort) or did I attempt to swallow

the whole sea? One analogy I can think of is a person who hasn't run in their

life decide to start running. So instead of going for jogs, they decide to run

10 miles in their first run.

 

I must learn to forgive and love myself no matter what, I have a feeling then

all this pressure that I put on myself will ease up...

 

love to you all, so confused right now, trying to allow and feel this experience

as fully as I can

 

craig

[Guest guest]

I found my answer, I did not fail, not if I get back up, I'm back up now. It's

inevitable that one gets back up, so in reality no one fails. And I attempted to

swallow the whole the sea when I started telling myself that I should be having

a different experience than the one I am having in this moment. I began to try

to feel better, instead of getting better at feeling.

 

craig

 

 

, " phoenix.ing9 "

<phoenix.ing9 wrote:

>

> My question is: did I fail because I resorted to drama (ie. changing my

physical circumstances to decrease my level of discomfort) or did I attempt to

swallow the whole sea?