Guest guest Posted October 6, 2009 Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 my father is the one person in my life who triggers me the most. it is very very hard for me to mantain my inner piece and calmness when interacting with him... it's something that disturbes me, because I get so snappish, hardened, tight, often when interacting with him. there is so much resentment deep down... how can I help this to come to surface? how can I stay sincerely unruffled, light, when speacking with him? I feel bad, because I realise often it is out of proportion, as if my reaction were loaded with past interactions, expectancies, not clean and in the moment. it's so difficult! forgiveness, I try to so hard, but lose it so easily... so so many issues piled one on top of the other, one influencing the other...projections, expectancies, beliefs... I would so love to be able to get past all of it... seems like it will take a while though. how can I move past this resentment I have? this deep hidden want for revenge? he is so dear to me, but in such a messed up way... I have learned his language and cant move past it, expecially with him. much love, lucia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 6, 2009 Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 Hi Lucia, I am working on similar issues with my mother. What finally helped was practicing Chrism's forgiveness, and then I chose to plan an anniversary party for them(they are both in their 80s) I know that it meant a lot, and my mom is getting tired of being the caregiver for my dad, so my heart just started to crack- I feel so bad for them, their place in life. I just decided that it is more important to forgive (without saying anything to my mom) her, and help them have a better end of their lives. I made a photo book with memories from me and all their children and grandchildren. I wrote to them what I learned from them. And now I can talk to my mom without being irritated. I even told her I loved her last weekend. I just got out of my angry face, and put on my kinder face. But I practiced with Chrism's safeties for a long time. I practiced forgiving her... then I just did it. Reading this, it doesn't make much sense, but that is what happened. I think the fact that you're writing here will make it easier for you. All the best. I can say that I am so much happier now that I don't have to carry that anger inside me. (and incredibly, the scale is a pound or two lighter as well!!!). I don' t know if this will help, but at least you know you're not the only one.... love, Shaun > > how can I move past this resentment I have? this deep hidden want for revenge? he is so dear to me, but in such a messed up way... I have learned his language and cant move past it, expecially with him. > > much love, > lucia > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 6, 2009 Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 Hi Lucia, I am 100% percent with you, because I am exactly in the same situation. Even talking to my dad on the phone, there is so much negative energy between us that I get really down and angry for the next couple of hours. I am trying to catch the " moments " of our conversation that triggers my negative emotions, but it doesnt work most of the time. I guess the suggestion I can give you, and this is from my experience, is that you dad's negative energy is just that: HIS NEGATIVE ENERGY. It has nothing to do with you, and in my case, and probably in yours, my dad is trying to pass his hateful energy to others. Most people when they are angry/hateful try to get everyone around them to feel the same. I usually try to stay very calm and aware when talking to him, suppressing all emotional " jumps " even if the topic of conversation is very close to heart. Sometimes I even tune out on purpose and dont really listen. From my understanding, you wont always have to do this. Only for now because you have so much karma with your dad, and when you burn off the karma you will be able to not get attached during the interactions. One other thing, again this is from my case, even though he is my dad but he is a completely different person than me. I different as a whole and not a different character. I do not really believe in the blood relations too much, because I have friends that are way closer to me then any of my family members are. Anyway, dont take this as not to love you family, but each one of us has to weave his own path without hinderences from others (including parent members) We are here to help/support you Lucia! Mike On Tue, Oct 6, 2009 at 4:53 AM, lari.lu <lari.lu wrote: > > > my father is the one person in my life who triggers me the most. it is very > very hard for me to mantain my inner piece and calmness when interacting > with him... it's something that disturbes me, because I get so snappish, > hardened, tight, often when interacting with him. > > there is so much resentment deep down... how can I help this to come to > surface? how can I stay sincerely unruffled, light, when speacking with him? > > I feel bad, because I realise often it is out of proportion, as if my > reaction were loaded with past interactions, expectancies, not clean and in > the moment. > > it's so difficult! > forgiveness, I try to so hard, but lose it so easily... so so many issues > piled one on top of the other, one influencing the other...projections, > expectancies, beliefs... I would so love to be able to get past all of it... > seems like it will take a while though. > > how can I move past this resentment I have? this deep hidden want for > revenge? he is so dear to me, but in such a messed up way... I have learned > his language and cant move past it, expecially with him. > > much love, > lucia > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 6, 2009 Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 Dear Lucia, I have been there with my father and truly feel now that I can love my father for who he is and not be so reactive but this has been a long process. In terms of your question, how can I help this come to the surface? it sounds like it is as you're sharing about it now. I practiced forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness towards my father but also for myself for having these expectations, desires for revenge, ill feelings, mean words, etc. I went to Ireland with him several years ago after my mom's death to take her ashes, the beginning of the healing journey with him. I hadn't spent that much time with him for decades. He drank every night and I found myself getting angrier and angrier. i remember being fixated on wanting him to apologize, not just for something he had done that day but for my entire life and all the things he had done to me. I took a walk in the drissle pounding my feet on the pavement and out of nowhere this young boy on a bicycle slows way down as I stepped off the path to accomodate him, looked me square in the eye and said " I am so sorry. " I immediately thought, this is your apology, you aren't getting it from him and let that go. Anyway, Lucia, it sounds like your awareness is deepening about all that and as they say in 12-step programs, you're right where you're supposed to be. My thoughts and prayers and blessings are with you. Be gentle with yourself my dear, Love, Jan , " lari.lu " <lari.lu wrote: > > my father is the one person in my life who triggers me the most. it is very very hard for me to mantain my inner piece and calmness when interacting with him... it's something that disturbes me, because I get so snappish, hardened, tight, often when interacting with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 6, 2009 Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 dear jan, mike, shaun.. thanks so much for your emails.. it means so much to me. it's just so so difficult.. I'm facing some aspects of myself that are very old yet new to me. such a mess... I dont even know where it all started, what it is that developed in me this mask called personality. so much of it is so false, driven from fears, sculpted around them. but it's so hard to see around it, sometimes I'm afread I'll never get there. I lie, constantly, with so much ease, and without even knowing, it's amazing. you see, I have this sort of " empathy " thing, I am so so good at perceving what others may expect of me and then sculpting myself into the shape they may like the most, the shape that will bring less rub. it comes as second nature to me. I do it with most everybody, in many different declinations. my father, I have a feeling he is one of the reasons i learned to do this so well, I have always felt I could not please him, that whatever I could do would not be enough to be worthy of his affection. nothing, however well I could do it, could be valid. I always felt his affection had a price. and that " The way I am " was not sufficient ticket to win his love. I think this feeling has never really left me, though in my mind i know it's not true. I still feel I need to prove something to him, and I resent it so, I resent him asking me for things, I resent his expectations, his ideas of what is best... because deeply I would still like to be able to please him, but it's not possible, I cannot do it, and also, it would not change a thing. and now I must unlearn this " trick " , I can no longer keep it up... but in doing this I must accept the risk, a risk I viscerally do not like, of exposing myself. I fear that in doing this, what I expose will be used against me, will be mistreated and misunderstood. and it is so much harder to risk something authentic, versus some modified version of my truth. I hope I'll manage to get this clean, I really want to, need to.. much love, lucia , " yogijan " <drjandean wrote: > > Anyway, Lucia, it sounds like your awareness is deepening about all that and as they say in 12-step programs, you're right where you're supposed to be. My thoughts and prayers and blessings are with you. Be gentle with yourself my dear, > Love, > Jan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 6, 2009 Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 Dear Lucia, I'm going through the same kind of feelings, except that my father died some years ago. The ugly thoughts keep coming, and it is very difficult to acknowledge what I really feel. In all my relationships I hide my real feelings, and so on the surface I seem to be unperturbed, calm and coping with whatever comes my way (and I do mean whatever.) The reality is that there is a part of me that is very difficult to face, and even more difficult to accept. I'm struggling with the extremes in myself. Love, Sandra , " lari.lu " <lari.lu wrote: > > my father is the one person in my life who triggers me the most. it is very very hard for me to mantain my inner piece and calmness when interacting with him... it's something that disturbes me, because I get so snappish, hardened, tight, often when interacting with him. > > there is so much resentment deep down... how can I help this to come to surface? how can I stay sincerely unruffled, light, when speacking with him? > > I feel bad, because I realise often it is out of proportion, as if my reaction were loaded with past interactions, expectancies, not clean and in the moment. > > it's so difficult! > forgiveness, I try to so hard, but lose it so easily... so so many issues piled one on top of the other, one influencing the other...projections, expectancies, beliefs... I would so love to be able to get past all of it... seems like it will take a while though. > > how can I move past this resentment I have? this deep hidden want for revenge? he is so dear to me, but in such a messed up way... I have learned his language and cant move past it, expecially with him. > > much love, > lucia > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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