surrender

[Guest guest]

What am I willing to surrender? Everything. I question my ability to do it

though. I think that I have given over everything to God but nothing changes

within me. I know that the biggy surrender for me are the giant walls I have

built over the years to keep people out of my life. I have been hurt and

misunderstood from the earliest of memories. I was a freak child, extremely

hyperactive and very hard to control. At the time ADD was very misunderstood

(early 70's), I was put on Ritalin but it turned me into a zombie and my mom got

scared and took me off of it. I grew up with ridicule and punishments for just

being the way I was. Also very sensitive in all ways; emotionally and

psychically. My walls were necessary from the get go. On top of that my mom was

an emotional basket case and I had to be there for her as she constantly had

nervous break downs and needed occasional hospital trips. She might have been K

active, she had esp and she would

constantly be waking up in the middle of the night with things like strings

hanging down from the ceiling, a face in the mirror, entities in robes floating

above her in bed, also waking up in different time periods. Mostly the 1800's.

We had many homes that we shared with ghosts, I was able to see the shadows

darting around the rooms. I could feel the chills and smell the perfumes, and

hear all the sounds in the night. When I was alone in the woods I would have

experiences that I can't really explain. At the age of 12 I had what the

doctors describe as a grand mal seizure. During the unconcious portion of that

experience I had visuals of a red and yellow spiral with a silouette of a person

spinning down the spiral and disappearing. All tests done revealed nothing

medically wrong with me. Could this have been K associated? Several years later

my mom had become a born again christian, as she was ready for the loony bin

after all this stuff. Her

experiences stopped. Just like that. I became involved in smoking pot and

drinking at age 16. I couldn't do the church thing. God made sense but not the

way it was being shown in the christian church. I spent the next 20 years of my

life boozing, doing hallucinogens, and general mischief making. I was still

going through tons of rejection socially, for here is a freak to begin with, but

now he's intoxicated. More walls. Shut everyone out to stop feeling pain. I

finally slow it down and quit the destruction and when I least expect it I have

a mild K experience that I described in my intro to the group three weeks ago.

I have been trying to surrender to being more social but my pain and anger are

so great that I don't know how to like people anymore. It has taken alot to put

all of this down here in this post. Tears are too many just from writing this.

I pray for a breakthrough, I am suffering.

 

Love to you all

Scott

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Blessings Scott,

I would appreciate if I could share a recent understanding of myself. I am a

Empath which I was taught was bad & I was taught to hide it. I have become aware

that my body is absorbing negativity from people & my surroundings or what ever.

I was never taught about this Gift which now I'm reading about some on net. 

 I  learned to put up protection so my body doesn'tabsorb the negativity

around me, that isn't mine. Put up a shield, or go in a bubble or what ever

you may feel is most powerful for you. Then over time you may not feel so

overwhelmed & you can learn what is your " stuff " & what was all the

other energy you were bringing in cause no one taught you how to respect your

Gift. Everyone has it; just some have it more.  I'm angry too & scared crazy

but if I put myself in my Cocoon all safe...then I'm finding I absorb less

negativity & slowly I'm feeling a difference. I do feel too much too...I am

grateful I do...I just need to learn how to use & respect these Percious Scared

Powers we have forgotten. I am learning NOT to fear myself & My POWER!

                                        \

                 Blessings/Love/Peace,

                                        \

                                     

Tara  ; ) 

 

 

 

 

 

--- On Wed, 12/30/09, scott perkins <scottmushman wrote:

 

 

scott perkins <scottmushman

surrender

 

Wednesday, December 30, 2009, 5:01 PM

 

 

 

 

 

 

What am I willing to surrender? Everything. I question my ability to do it

though. I think that I have given over everything to God but nothing changes

within me. I know that the biggy surrender for me are the giant walls I have

built over the years to keep people out of my life. I have been hurt and

misunderstood from the earliest of memories. I was a freak child, extremely

hyperactive and very hard to control. At the time ADD was very misunderstood

(early 70's), I was put on Ritalin but it turned me into a zombie and my mom got

scared and took me off of it. I grew up with ridicule and punishments for just

being the way I was. Also very sensitive in all ways; emotionally and

psychically. My walls were necessary from the get go. On top of that my mom was

an emotional basket case and I had to be there for her as she constantly had

nervous break downs and needed occasional hospital trips. She might have been K

active, she had esp and she would

constantly be waking up in the middle of the night with things like strings

hanging down from the ceiling, a face in the mirror, entities in robes floating

above her in bed, also waking up in different time periods. Mostly the 1800's.

We had many homes that we shared with ghosts, I was able to see the shadows

darting around the rooms. I could feel the chills and smell the perfumes, and

hear all the sounds in the night. When I was alone in the woods I would have

experiences that I can't really explain. At the age of 12 I had what the doctors

describe as a grand mal seizure. During the unconcious portion of that

experience I had visuals of a red and yellow spiral with a silouette of a person

spinning down the spiral and disappearing. All tests done revealed nothing

medically wrong with me. Could this have been K associated? Several years later

my mom had become a born again christian, as she was ready for the loony bin

after all this stuff. Her

experiences stopped. Just like that. I became involved in smoking pot and

drinking at age 16. I couldn't do the church thing. God made sense but not the

way it was being shown in the christian church. I spent the next 20 years of my

life boozing, doing hallucinogens, and general mischief making. I was still

going through tons of rejection socially, for here is a freak to begin with, but

now he's intoxicated. More walls. Shut everyone out to stop feeling pain. I

finally slow it down and quit the destruction and when I least expect it I have

a mild K experience that I described in my intro to the group three weeks ago. I

have been trying to surrender to being more social but my pain and anger are so

great that I don't know how to like people anymore. It has taken alot to put all

of this down here in this post. Tears are too many just from writing this. I

pray for a breakthrough, I am suffering.

 

Love to you all

Scott

 

 

[Guest guest]

Tears sent from the Divine in Scott to  wash away the pain drop by drop.

blessings Scott,

ty

 

--- On Wed, 12/30/09, scott perkins <scottmushman wrote:

 

scott perkins <scottmushman

surrender

 

Wednesday, December 30, 2009, 10:01 PM

 

 Tears are too many just from writing this. I pray for a breakthrough, I am

suffering.

 

 

 

Love to you all

 

Scott

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Dear scott,

I do not want to intrude into your conversation with about surrender but

my heart goes out to you and I want you to know that if I could I would heal all

the pain and anger and help you to climb those walls you have built or perhaps

help to knock them down altogether. I am wondering would it be helpful or

useful for you to talk  about the anger and pain that you describe as being so

great. The folks here are good listeners and many have shared of their past

pains and have had gifts given to them by doing so.  If that feels right for

you please feel free to also do so Scott.

Much love and  a big hug is waiting for you in cyberspace if ok for you to take

it. love and hugs  Julia

 

 

 

 

________________________________

scott perkins <scottmushman

 

Wed, December 30, 2009 10:01:14 PM

surrender

 

 

What am I willing to surrender? Everything. I question my ability to do it

though. I think that I have given over everything to God but nothing changes

within me. I know that the biggy surrender for me are the giant walls I have

built over the years to keep people out of my life. I have been hurt and

misunderstood from the earliest of memories. I was a freak child, extremely

hyperactive and very hard to control. At the time ADD was very misunderstood

(early 70's), I was put on Ritalin but it turned me into a zombie and my mom got

scared and took me off of it. I grew up with ridicule and punishments for just

being the way I was. Also very sensitive in all ways; emotionally and

psychically. My walls were necessary from the get go. On top of that my mom was

an emotional basket case and I had to be there for her as she constantly had

nervous break downs and needed occasional hospital trips. She might have been K

active, she had esp and she would

constantly be waking up in the middle of the night with things like strings

hanging down from the ceiling, a face in the mirror, entities in robes floating

above her in bed, also waking up in different time periods. Mostly the 1800's.

We had many homes that we shared with ghosts, I was able to see the shadows

darting around the rooms. I could feel the chills and smell the perfumes, and

hear all the sounds in the night. When I was alone in the woods I would have

experiences that I can't really explain. At the age of 12 I had what the doctors

describe as a grand mal seizure. During the unconcious portion of that

experience I had visuals of a red and yellow spiral with a silouette of a person

spinning down the spiral and disappearing. All tests done revealed nothing

medically wrong with me. Could this have been K associated? Several years later

my mom had become a born again christian, as she was ready for the loony bin

after all this stuff. Her

experiences stopped. Just like that. I became involved in smoking pot and

drinking at age 16. I couldn't do the church thing. God made sense but not the

way it was being shown in the christian church. I spent the next 20 years of my

life boozing, doing hallucinogens, and general mischief making. I was still

going through tons of rejection socially, for here is a freak to begin with, but

now he's intoxicated. More walls. Shut everyone out to stop feeling pain. I

finally slow it down and quit the destruction and when I least expect it I have

a mild K experience that I described in my intro to the group three weeks ago. I

have been trying to surrender to being more social but my pain and anger are so

great that I don't know how to like people anymore. It has taken alot to put all

of this down here in this post. Tears are too many just from writing this. I

pray for a breakthrough, I am suffering.

 

Love to you all

Scott

 

 

[Guest guest]

You are seen Scott, in each and every tear drop;

a refraction of Self in All as One.

 

Love:

-Danielle

 

 

>  Tears are too many just from writing this. I pray for a breakthrough, I am

suffering.

 

>

> Love to you all

>

> Scott

[Guest guest]

Thank you Julia for your kind concern. I didn't have so much anger 5 years ago

as I do now. And that coincides with the relationship I have let myself suffer

through. I also have been running my own business which really took a lot out

of me emotionally and pyhsicaly. Business is now closed and I have been out of

work since October. I really need to move out of the house so I am not exposing

myself to the destruction here but I have no money to do so. I feel I am at the

whim of her every mood. Actually when I think about it, most of my anger now is

from the relationship and I have just transferred it to the rest of the world. I

am so used up inside for so long that I have nothing left for the rest of life.

I hate to mention it here but the state of the world and the fact that evil is

being allowed to come to full power here on earth is definately adding to the

pot.

 

Just knowing that you all are here helps, I can talk freely about what is

important to me. I have a very difficult time in public with akwardness and

very low self esteem issues. I can't speak in groups or to strangers without

getting so nervous that I start crying or shaking. A real mess. I will bring

up more if things come up to the surface. It usually takes some prodding from

others to get me talking. It's a big step exposing myself but is made easier

here in cyberspace.

 

Love

Scott

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Thank you Tara for your words. I will look into the empath thing and see if

that is part of it. I do know I have been tossed around in a sea of emotions

just because of what is around me. I so wish that people with gifts could be

recognized when they are children so that they could develop their potential as

lights for the world. If my mother was recognized for what she had and put into

training or whatever I would be in a much different place right now.

Love

Scott

 

 

 

 

________________________________

Tara <branpuma

 

Wed, December 30, 2009 3:15:51 PM

Re: surrender

 

 

Blessings Scott,

I would appreciate if I could share a recent understanding of myself. I am a

Empath which I was taught was bad & I was taught to hide it. I have become aware

that my body is absorbing negativity from people & my surroundings or what ever.

I was never taught about this Gift which now I'm reading about some on net.

I learned to put up protection so my body doesn'tabsorb the negativity around

me, that isn't mine. Put up a shield, or go in a bubble or what ever you may

feel is most powerful for you. Then over time you may not feel so overwhelmed &

you can learn what is your " stuff " & what was all the other energy you were

bringing in cause no one taught you how to respect your Gift. Everyone has it;

just some have it more. I'm angry too & scared crazy but if I put myself in my

Cocoon all safe...then I'm finding I absorb less negativity & slowly I'm feeling

a difference. I do feel too much too...I am grateful I do...I just need to learn

how to use & respect these Percious Scared Powers we have forgotten. I am

learning NOT to fear myself & My POWER!

Blessings/Love/ Peace,

Tara ; )

 

 

 

 

 

--- On Wed, 12/30/09, scott perkins <scottmushman@ > wrote:

 

scott perkins <scottmushman@ >

[Kundalini-Awakenin g-Systems- 1] surrender

Kundalini-Awakening -Systems- 1

Wednesday, December 30, 2009, 5:01 PM

 

 

 

What am I willing to surrender? Everything. I question my ability to do it

though. I think that I have given over everything to God but nothing changes

within me. I know that the biggy surrender for me are the giant walls I have

built over the years to keep people out of my life. I have been hurt and

misunderstood from the earliest of memories. I was a freak child, extremely

hyperactive and very hard to control. At the time ADD was very misunderstood

(early 70's), I was put on Ritalin but it turned me into a zombie and my mom got

scared and took me off of it. I grew up with ridicule and punishments for just

being the way I was. Also very sensitive in all ways; emotionally and

psychically. My walls were necessary from the get go. On top of that my mom was

an emotional basket case and I had to be there for her as she constantly had

nervous break downs and needed occasional hospital trips. She might have been K

active, she had esp and she would

constantly be waking up in the middle of the night with things like strings

hanging down from the ceiling, a face in the mirror, entities in robes floating

above her in bed, also waking up in different time periods. Mostly the 1800's.

We had many homes that we shared with ghosts, I was able to see the shadows

darting around the rooms. I could feel the chills and smell the perfumes, and

hear all the sounds in the night. When I was alone in the woods I would have

experiences that I can't really explain. At the age of 12 I had what the doctors

describe as a grand mal seizure. During the unconcious portion of that

experience I had visuals of a red and yellow spiral with a silouette of a person

spinning down the spiral and disappearing. All tests done revealed nothing

medically wrong with me. Could this have been K associated? Several years later

my mom had become a born again christian, as she was ready for the loony bin

after all this stuff. Her

experiences stopped. Just like that. I became involved in smoking pot and

drinking at age 16. I couldn't do the church thing. God made sense but not the

way it was being shown in the christian church. I spent the next 20 years of my

life boozing, doing hallucinogens, and general mischief making. I was still

going through tons of rejection socially, for here is a freak to begin with, but

now he's intoxicated. More walls. Shut everyone out to stop feeling pain. I

finally slow it down and quit the destruction and when I least expect it I have

a mild K experience that I described in my intro to the group three weeks ago. I

have been trying to surrender to being more social but my pain and anger are so

great that I don't know how to like people anymore. It has taken alot to put all

of this down here in this post. Tears are too many just from writing this. I

pray for a breakthrough, I am suffering.

 

Love to you all

Scott