Evaluation of ego vs true drivers in these early days of the process.

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your candid input!

 

This has turned into a very lengthy post but please bear with me as you read it.

 

Part 1: Response to the ego

Part 2: My goal in this and remembering something lost

-------------------------

Part 1:

Yes, I am desperately trying to not be in any ego space because I have

everything to lose if I screw this up by moving too fast or doing it wrong. My

personality/heart is one of servitude and healing so I am in hopes that once I

have been put where I need to be that I will live the rest of my days being in

service to the divine and to humanity. That's who I am in my heart anyway. In

my prior (still current studies) I have been learning about the earth's gridwork

and working with groups to send healing to her for all of the hurts we are

causing her by drilling and mining, killing the forests. etc. I'm a real

rainforest advocate; so if my service to her is along these lines I will be

estatic!

 

I think it's more that he has already busted me once and it caused a whole

family fiasco, so I am wanting to keep the air clean between us now that we have

balanced back out. In honesty, I think that's the thing driving my daydream more

than anything else.. I am more than content to hold my precious secret as long

as I have to because I will NOT have him degrade it as he has in the past. This

is too precious to put in the line of that particular fire if that turns out to

be his response to all this.

 

Note I am giddy and mouthy with ya'll on the forum because it is the first time

I'm able to share what's been going on w/ me out loud. I was going to back off

on my posts so that it didn't come across that I was trying to draw attention to

myself but was advised that it was okay to share especially at this time because

this is when the crazy things happen and I have to stay sane. I am NOT a

braggart or a liar and my integrity means more to me than anything. Please know

this.

 

-------------------------

Part 2:

It just seems to me, somehow I cannot explain, that once I connected with this

group, that a floodgate in my body/brain was opened and the experiences started

happening. I'm not sure what the trigger was but it seems to have migrated from

the constant abdomen work and 'other stuff' to this automatic state of almost

drunken-ness the instant I close my eyes. I feel like I fall into this deepness

and then my body starts swaying and my hands truly take over. I talk to her in

my head and ask her all kinds of questions and to please give me guidance. I

feel in my heart that I am in a space of reverence and exhaultation for lack of

better word when I'm in this state because I am not asking for things for me.. I

am just in a praise state at this point. So am I stuck in the PHENOMENA of it?

I don't think so. I think I'm stuck in the desperate attempt to re-taste what I

experienced in an earlier phase of my life.. to remember at a soul level

something that I KNOW is there and I have somehow forgotten. SOMETHING deep and

cellular in me is driving me but I do not know what.

 

One thing I would like to mention also is that exactly 20 years ago almost to

the month I was in a co-dependency therapy session and was put in a deep

meditation. It was a group setting, laying on our backs in a very cold room and

taken into the meditation. I recall to this day that experience and I just had

the memory recall that the EXACT THING that happened in that experience is what

is NOW being activated in me .. so I'm wondering if it was almost a foretelling

of what was to come? I was running from something I feared in a cavern and came

to a point where I had to choose the right or left tunnel. Once I entered I

fell into an abyss. I was caught by an angelic being and seated on a small

planet somewhere. We sat quietly for a while and then the angel told me that I

had to make sure that nothing happened to the planet I was sitting on and that

one over there also and he pointed in front of us. Then he left me. No guidance,

no advise, nothing. I was in fear and awe. I didn't have a clue how to perform

this task! The scene shifted then and I was at the feet of what I KNEW without

a doubt was God. I was in a state of ecstacy and was dancing and singing to him

as my way to show praise and joy of just being in his presence. The

psychoterapist noted that my arms were swaying and my body was moving in a dance

and I was toning melodies (wordless). I have spent YEARS trying to get deep

enough in meditation to reach that state again and I have NEVER succeeded.

THIS/these experiences are making me excited because they are taking me deeper

and closer to what I INTUITIVELY know is the end all goal.. tasting the joy of

God by being in his presence. I almost can remember how it tasted 20 years ago!

 

Michelle

[Guest guest]

--- On Sat, 1/9/10, Diane Baugh <cdgbdronningen wrote:

 

 

Diane Baugh <cdgbdronningen

Re: Evaluation of ego vs true drivers

in these early days of the process.

 

Saturday, January 9, 2010, 7:27 PM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Michelle:  I in no way think you are a liar or a braggart!! I do

understand your exuberance, and your desire to recapture what you once

experienced, and I am glad you wrote about that because that has been part of my

journey too.  My journey started at age 3 with an OBE, and as I looked at that

little body, I did not want to return to the confinement of that 3 year old body

and consciousness.  From that time on until Oct.14, 1993, when I had an

unexpected kundalini fulfillment I had been longing for a return to what I had

experienced as a 3 year old.  But I knew that I could do nothing to bring it

about, that if it was my destiny,I would be blessed at the appropriate time.  I

guess that is what I am  trying to convey to you: that you can and should

cooperate with the process which I as a Christian consider to be the Holy

Spirit, but you can't control it or the how, when or where phenomena occur,or

whether your husband discovers your secret,

and if he does how that will play out.  Just let Shakti direct the process, as

if you were an actress in a stage production and she /He, Holy Spirit were the

director.  Think of yourself as an instrument;

like a piano; and allow Shakti / Holy Spirit to create beautiful music through

you,while being aware that a piano without a musician is silent;  it is the

musician that makes the difference.When we have experienced being taken out of

our self , IMHO we cannot ever be the same, because  we have a taste of what is

beyond the self, but with that comes a

defining moment in our lives: a more definitive understanding of  our ego self,

and the opportunity to lay the ego aside as we see  Reality beneath the veil

ego creates.

 

I didn't mean to get too philosophical Michelle, just to make a point, that as

Julia, who is a very wise woman, said, ego can derail the train, if we aren't

aware of it's presence, and  it is present in all of us.

 

Peace and Love

Diane

 

 

 

--- On Sat, 1/9/10, miaminewbies <mballinger wrote:

 

 

miaminewbies <mballinger

Evaluation of ego vs true drivers in

these early days of the process.

 

Saturday, January 9, 2010, 6:07 PM

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you all for your candid input!

 

This has turned into a very lengthy post but please bear with me as you read it.

 

Part 1: Response to the ego

Part 2: My goal in this and remembering something lost

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Part 1:

Yes, I am desperately trying to not be in any ego space because I have

everything to lose if I screw this up by moving too fast or doing it wrong. My

personality/ heart is one of servitude and healing so I am in hopes that once I

have been put where I need to be that I will live the rest of my days being in

service to the divine and to humanity. That's who I am in my heart anyway. In my

prior (still current studies) I have been learning about the earth's gridwork

and working with groups to send healing to her for all of the hurts we are

causing her by drilling and mining, killing the forests. etc. I'm a real

rainforest advocate; so if my service to her is along these lines I will be

estatic!

 

I think it's more that he has already busted me once and it caused a whole

family fiasco, so I am wanting to keep the air clean between us now that we have

balanced back out. In honesty, I think that's the thing driving my daydream more

than anything else.. I am more than content to hold my precious secret as long

as I have to because I will NOT have him degrade it as he has in the past. This

is too precious to put in the line of that particular fire if that turns out to

be his response to all this.

 

Note I am giddy and mouthy with ya'll on the forum because it is the first time

I'm able to share what's been going on w/ me out loud. I was going to back off

on my posts so that it didn't come across that I was trying to draw attention to

myself but was advised that it was okay to share especially at this time because

this is when the crazy things happen and I have to stay sane. I am NOT a

braggart or a liar and my integrity means more to me than anything. Please know

this.

 

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Part 2:

It just seems to me, somehow I cannot explain, that once I connected with this

group, that a floodgate in my body/brain was opened and the experiences started

happening. I'm not sure what the trigger was but it seems to have migrated from

the constant abdomen work and 'other stuff' to this automatic state of almost

drunken-ness the instant I close my eyes. I feel like I fall into this deepness

and then my body starts swaying and my hands truly take over. I talk to her in

my head and ask her all kinds of questions and to please give me guidance. I

feel in my heart that I am in a space of reverence and exhaultation for lack of

better word when I'm in this state because I am not asking for things for me.. I

am just in a praise state at this point. So am I stuck in the PHENOMENA of it? I

don't think so. I think I'm stuck in the desperate attempt to re-taste what I

experienced in an earlier phase of my life.. to remember at a soul level

something that I KNOW

is there and I have somehow forgotten. SOMETHING deep and cellular in me is

driving me but I do not know what.

 

One thing I would like to mention also is that exactly 20 years ago almost to

the month I was in a co-dependency therapy session and was put in a deep

meditation. It was a group setting, laying on our backs in a very cold room and

taken into the meditation. I recall to this day that experience and I just had

the memory recall that the EXACT THING that happened in that experience is what

is NOW being activated in me .. so I'm wondering if it was almost a foretelling

of what was to come? I was running from something I feared in a cavern and came

to a point where I had to choose the right or left tunnel. Once I entered I fell

into an abyss. I was caught by an angelic being and seated on a small planet

somewhere. We sat quietly for a while and then the angel told me that I had to

make sure that nothing happened to the planet I was sitting on and that one over

there also and he pointed in front of us. Then he left me. No guidance, no

advise, nothing. I was in

fear and awe. I didn't have a clue how to perform this task! The scene shifted

then and I was at the feet of what I KNEW without a doubt was God. I was in a

state of ecstacy and was dancing and singing to him as my way to show praise and

joy of just being in his presence. The psychoterapist noted that my arms were

swaying and my body was moving in a dance and I was toning melodies (wordless).

I have spent YEARS trying to get deep enough in meditation to reach that state

again and I have NEVER succeeded. THIS/these experiences are making me excited

because they are taking me deeper and closer to what I INTUITIVELY know is the

end all goal.. tasting the joy of God by being in his presence. I almost can

remember how it tasted 20 years ago!

 

Michelle