Dog Days =An unknowning/knowing surrender

February 11, 2010

Dear All:

Bear with my as this will be a bit long, but I find it helpful to express this

part of my journey to you through writing; an unfolding and surrendering.

As some may know, I'm in the process of moving into my own place after the close

of a long term relationship. The move has been difficult and odd in and of

itself. I've nearly gathered and hauled all of my belonging, with the exception

of my four-legged children. With my kitty having recently passed, there remains

four dogs in the household. I have already known that two will be of my ex's

custody. However the two remaining are more entangled in my heart strings, and

I've been knowing that the time would come in which a decision would need to be

made on which dogs go with whom.

I've been bringing the two dogs over to my home to get a feel for the space and

their ability to acclimate. One of the dogs is 12, and she came under wing when

two of my friends were killed in an auto accident. I had promised to care for

her and do. I love her dearly. The other is my " little boy " . He came to me via

working at the veterinary clinic and is the closest connection with a pet I have

yet to encounter. His name is Willow. He is an Aussie/Dane mix, and hence I

call him " a Danish " when people ask what he is. He is a Canine Good Citizen,

though he flunked his Therapy Dog certification on the basis of not being able

to leave a hot dog-in fact he snarfed it up! He works incredibly well in noisy

situations, with wheel chairs, and all the essential elements of being able to

work with people in therapeutic situations…as long as there is not a hot dog or

peanut butter sandwiches in close range.

Long story short, these pets are my children. I've question if my residence can

accommodate two dogs-especially two large dogs, and my resources are minimal

now. I can offer love, consistency, vet care, meet their basic needs, and romp

time in the park. I cannot offer much socialization –human or animal, I cannot

offer doggy day care, or a large yard, or a doggy pack to hang with, or anything

fancy or plush.

Usually I can communicate pretty well with animals, but in this scenario it's

been blank. It's a known challenge to my Self and deciphering between my mind's

want and my heart's knowing has been a struggle for me.

Last night I had Willow spend the night. It did not go so well. He was highly

anxious and stressed. At one point close to midnight, I awoke to find him

sitting upright on my bed, making high pitched noises, and staring at me. I

tried to comfort him until be both dozed back to sleep. I fell into a very deep

sleep which took me into a past life scenario…a past life which had been playing

out rather vividly when my K first began to unfold. In this lifetime I had lost

a little boy…I had lost him to the care of my grandmother-though I did not know

this for some time. I had used my spirit life being caught in a somewhat limbo

state searching for him, after having been killed myself. In such a lifetime I

had felt much grief for having abandoned him (though not intentiionally). I

experienced much remorse for having lost my two girls as well to Fever and not

being able to care for them on my own.

Well, in my dream last night it took me into a deeper part of this lifetime. It

took me into a current lifetime of being able to release and let go in a way

then I had not been able to before as that person. In the dream I had uncovered

a buried box that held my little boy's belongings…little trinkets and mementos.

I was running my fingers over them and remembering him as just a small infant

and saying goodbye. I said goodbye in a form of attachment to the memory, a

goodbye to the searching and to the what ifs and the not knowing. Yet, I did not

say goodbye to the love. The love carried on.

The dream took me into my present self in which was pushing on my upper

legs and just below my belly button. It felt like the ache of when a bone is

broken and like if you push on a bruise. I was tearful and crying and sobbing to

Chrism, trying to tell him that it hurt…and then I jolted wide awake to find

Willow staring down at me and whining. It was a little after 3am. I put on my

sandals and said " let's get you home boy " …and drove me back to his known home of

my ex, where I tucked him in to his kennel.

Today I feel like I've been sleeping for centuries. I am tearful and in a foggy

state. I have in my mind the thoughts of letting go, surrender and attachment. I

have the knowing that my decision is not going to make sense to my mind; it is

not going to fit into my wanting and not wanting; it is coming from a heart

center of knowing…it's not comfortable, it's not wanted and is equally if not

more painful than the loss of my relationship…yet somewhere deep inside I have

this knowing of a surrendering to this attachment of something so beyond dear to

me, and the knowing that I need to trust that he will be cared for and loved by

my ex (as that he is) and that my L*O*V*E will continue beyond the attachment

that has leashed me to him.

My heart pours out to any of you who have experienced something similar-whether

it being with animal children or human children.

Love-unconditionally:

~Danielle

February 11, 2010

Dear Danielle,

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this; I really hope something works out so

that you can comfortably look after the dogs, and that they will adjust.

Love, Sandra

, " iamwaitingmoon "

<iamwaitingmoon wrote:

>

> Dear All:

>

> Bear with my as this will be a bit long, but I find it helpful to express this

part of my journey to you through writing; an unfolding and surrendering.

>

> As some may know, I'm in the process of moving into my own place after the

close of a long term relationship. The move has been difficult and odd in and of

itself. I've nearly gathered and hauled all of my belonging, with the exception

of my four-legged children. With my kitty having recently passed, there remains

four dogs in the household. I have already known that two will be of my ex's

custody. However the two remaining are more entangled in my heart strings, and

I've been knowing that the time would come in which a decision would need to be

made on which dogs go with whom.

>

> I've been bringing the two dogs over to my home to get a feel for the space

and their ability to acclimate. One of the dogs is 12, and she came under wing

when two of my friends were killed in an auto accident. I had promised to care

for her and do. I love her dearly. The other is my " little boy " . He came to me

via working at the veterinary clinic and is the closest connection with a pet I

have yet to encounter. His name is Willow. He is an Aussie/Dane mix, and hence

I call him " a Danish " when people ask what he is. He is a Canine Good Citizen,