How much can I surrender?

[Guest guest]

All of my life waiting, praying to god to show me Divinity, to show me that

there was something.... That I would give ANYTHING. Can't believe words, Cant

believe myths, Can't believe anything the preachers said. I cried so many

nights, screaming to the sky and begging for answers.... But was I prepared?

 

It fell upon me. This undeniable knowing that I was heard. My body consumed in

electricity and washing up my spine, permeating every piece of my mind, and

washing over me in a primordial roar... Over and over again. Chants heard like

monks, lights intense and colors glowing. Static, fear and love. And from there

it began it's transformation. Lights blowing out, interference, seeing things,

jumping at the sounds in the dark, but feeling so blessed that I am loved.

 

My fears torn from me, my torments and mistakes thrown in my face and washed

away in absolute love. The energy is rising and my ego is fighting. My life is

transformed. I radiate love, nothing bad has happened, but only through layers

and layers of fear. Each one cutting me deeper and liberating systematically.

 

I thought my fears were washed away. Staying in the comforts of a lack of

physical practice. I feel as I will explode. If I meditate, if I pray, it roars

again and I find myself asking.... Can I really jump and dive? My head will

split in two if I let go. I can feel it beckoning me to surrender and allow it

to consume... but I find myself pavid and trembling like a child in the face of

it.

 

How much am I willing to surrender? How much am I willing to lose? How much am I

willing to gain? Will I fall into madness? Will I fall into obscurity? Will I

fall into Divinity?

 

How much am I willing to surrender?... My answer is everything. Am I willing to

be torn apart and put back together by that which I fear the most? Yes, though I

know it is all for the best.

 

I am afraid, I am unknowing of what lies before me, but I love. I surrender in

spite of myself.

 

I write this because I know only you will understand what I am going through.

 

You are right Chrism... this isn't for the faint of heart =)

 

Heres to surrender! I will keep you posted.

 

Love...

-Tiffany S