Childhood memories and the flood of energy

[Guest guest]

Why do i seem drawn to have this experience yet when a burst of energy comes on

i am in fear.

I think that i can handle it and i try and relax, yet that feeling of losing

control feels

so unatural. I look forward to coming home and reading the bible, i want to pray

and read the

bible as much as i want to eat and drink. The energy is rushing me and my mind

feels full and

yet i try and relax and stay calm, whilst i shiver and twitch. I have been doing

the safties,

I am in a constant state of introspection and forgiveness and understanding and

acceptance of

god guiding me and showing me lessons in the smallest of things. I came home

after my night

shift, tired and i started to pray and ask for guidance. Then i started to read

some scripture.

As i was reading a strange thought popped into my head:

 

I remembered when i was very young I must have been about 4 and my mother bought

me a doll.

(i thought this is strange as im a boy and she bought me a doll...) Then i

realised that my

sister had just been born around this time and it linked in with her birth...

I remembered another thing, that each night when i lay in bed, this feeling from

inside me would

annoy me if i had done anything wrong or naughty during the day, My mother knew

i couldnt do

anything bad as when bedtime came i could not sleep and i would go downstairs

and confess to her.

I took some money from her purse to play an arcade game at the shop, and i had

to tell her of this.

Then one time we were visiting family friends i was about 6 and i had a s3xual

encounter with

someone my age. At the time i thought it was wrong and i felt guilty about it,

and at night this

guilty feeling would try to come through. It was like a battle at night and i

used to think that

inevitably i would end up having to tell my mother. It was like a battle versus

myself or my will

and i remember a significant time that i over came this 'inner-concience' and i

realised that i

was more powerful than it, and that i didnt have to confess about anything. This

was a major memory

that i had forgotten about.what strange thoughts to be having as a child.

 

After i had this recollection i had a pain in my heart, then shortly afterwards

i tried to sleep as

i am tired. the energy came through flooding me like it had done when i first

came here and had

the erruption. I am left with this weird feeling that i link to a time when i

was ill in hospital

age 7 with an infection and i was on morphine. I had nightmares that the nurses

were trying to make

me swallow boulders and i was being sick. This feeling is it a traumatic

experience that is trying

to clear ?

 

Thanks for letting me have a place where i feel i can just talk about this.

 

Mark

[Guest guest]

Hello Mark!

 

The last paragraph was a bit confucing to me (as in I could not make complete

sense of it) but I would say that it is something in the emotional body that is

coming to your awarenes to be felt with compassion and integrated that way. I

mean to stay with and feel the emotion but to not attach thoughts to it.

 

It was fun to read about that conscience stuff you wrote about because I was

very much like that too, and had those experiences.

 

Aarni

 

 

, " sinebyte " <sinebyte

wrote:

>

>

> Why do i seem drawn to have this experience yet when a burst of energy comes

on i am in fear.

> I think that i can handle it and i try and relax, yet that feeling of losing

control feels

> so unatural.

[Guest guest]

I came home

after my night

shift, tired and i started to pray and ask for guidance.

 

Mark,

Just curious, are you drinking caffeine? I see you work nights. Maybe that is

causing this imbalance/fear? Why not try to get off the caffiene and see if

that helps....if you are drinking it. I remember saying to stay away

from it.

 

Laura

[Guest guest]

I have been having the odd cup of tea at work but then I have been

doing this because the energy has been mild with me and i was able

to do that. Sorry about the confusing writing, I thought i was onto

somthing with the weird memory and emotional links that came to me.

Afterwards i spoke with a freind on the phone about my childhood

memories for nearly 2 hours and it was so good to get it out and

disect it and see how silly it was as a child to attach onto this 'fear'.

 

mark

 

, " Laura " <lo1o113

wrote:

>

> I came home

> after my night

> shift, tired and i started to pray and ask for guidance.

>

> Mark,

> Just curious, are you drinking caffeine? I see you work nights. Maybe that

is causing this imbalance/fear? Why not try to get off the caffiene and see if

that helps....if you are drinking it. I remember saying to stay away

from it.

>

> Laura

>