rcapitulation to age 13/surrender

[Guest guest]

I let my inner child write this the other day. I cried some. It brought a lot to

the surface. I want to let my vulnerability and programming be in the open, and

let it go. I won't hide my expression of love or keep this buried. It's part of

me. I am healing. Love...

 

My mother left when I was 2. My dad married 4 times. I stayed in the " care " of

several different abusive step mothers throughout my life while he focused on

advancing his career. My mom had been addicted to heroin from the time I was 2

until I was maybe 11. She lived far away. I loved her dearly and missed her

always. I hated my first step mother (the mother of my 2 little sisters) and she

hated me or at best just didn't care about me. I wasn't her real child. As a kid

I would pray for her to die so I wouldn't have to deal with her abuse and I

could just be with my dad again. They fought and screamed at eachother

constantly. There isn't a time from my childhood where I can remember anything

other than them yelling at eachother and fighting. Once I saw my Dad choke her.

She liked to make him angry and upset. He has a terrible temper. He was loving

toward me still. I still loved him very much because he stayed with me. My

dreams finally came true when once, she left with my sisters to stay with her

parents like she always did after big fights, and this time she didn't come

back. I always hoped for this. That she would finally stay away for good. I

loved her parents (my grandparents) like they were my own and they treated me

like I was theirs. I wouldn't see them anymore after that. My Dad started to

date some women. I was 11 or so. It was exciting to go all over the place in new

towns and be at these other women's houses. It felt like no more rules. We would

stay at someplace Carly's, and sometimes visit Patty's in the same day or night.

I was excited that maybe Carly's daughter would someday become my older sister.

I liked her. She took me out to do fun stuff like go to the mall and told people

I was basically her step brother. I would hear him having sex with Carly often

while I slept on the futon in the living room. He would drive me to school from

there early in the morning. Patty would leave poems for him in hidden places.

She was nice to me. I liked her. She had pornographic videos in her cabinet of

vhs's that she would hide when I was at her house alone. I remember she

sometimes wore lingerie that exposed her nipples. I thought that was gross. I

was getting dragged all over the place, but I was happy that it was just me a

Dad again. He started to leave me at home alone for days while he was out

running around. I told my mom about what was going on. I told her my Dad was a

pervert! Dating multiple women, dragging me around town, leaving me alone, and

that the house was filled with pornographic magazines. She was living in

Washington State at the time. She made an arrangement with my Dad that she would

come live in our house with us and take care of me and he could do as he

pleased. I had never been happier. My mom was back in my life and she was

actually going to live with me and take care of me. She was great. Like a best

friend. She helped me with my homework so well. Dad would always just get mad.

We slept in my bunk beds. We would switch between top and bottom. I would show

off for her and clown around with her all the time. I remember one morning

waking up to the alarm and going straight into a dance routine for her while she

was still in bed. It made her so happy. She loved me so much. She let me take

sick days from school sometimes and we would just spend time together. I thought

that was so cool. Dad was drinking heavily and would pass out in his chair a

lot. Sometimes I had to help him get upstairs into bed. I remember having an

argument with him where I told him that he only cared about himself and never

was worried about me. This is around the time I started playing guitar. I had

made tons of songs before I even knew chords. I would just bar whole frets and

perform them for my mom. She got me to take some lessons and we would go see

music at coffee shops together. I loved my Mom. After about 6 months or a year

my Mom and Dad got in a big fight and my mom threatened to take him back to

court for custody. That sent my Dad through the roof. He kicked her out of the

house that night. I had never been so sad. I wanted to go with her, but he

wouldn't let me. She got a house a 10 minute walk away, and I would spend some

nights there and some at my Dad's. Then a new woman came into the picture.

Robin. I had heard her mentioned and answered a phone call from her once but

never met her. By this time Dad's other 2 girlfriends had teamed up and exposed

him as a cheater that they didn't want any more. One night Patty left 27

consecutive messages on the answering machine swearing at him and saying all

kinds of crazy things. My mom called her psycho Patty. Once she convinced me

that she was pregnant with my Dad's kid and I was going to have a new baby

brother or sister, but that she didn't want to tell my dad for some reason. She

wanted me to talk to him. I tried to tell my Dad that he needed to talk to Patty

because she might be pregnant, he said that was impossible because her tubes

were tied. It was something she was doing to manipulate him into choosing her

over Carly or something I guess. She tried to explain it away as an April Fools

joke. Once she told my Dad that she had AIDS. So, then we ate dinner once with

Robin and the next thing I knew we were moving in with her. She lived an hour

away, so I had to transfer schools and be away from my mom. When we left my

home, we just left everything there. Most of my belongings and toys, Dad's

stereo system, all of his tools. Later the house was robbed. Robin and I didn't

get along off the bat. She had all of these rules. Her house couldn't be lived

in. It had to be perfect. If a pillow was moved on the couch it was an issue to

her. She acted like she was my boss and that I had to do what she said or else.

She was unfeeling, mean, and phony. I hated her. I wanted to be with my mom.

After a few months my Dad took a job in Chicago and left me with her. He lived

there in a hotel for 9 months and would sometimes come home on the weekends.

Robin would constantly report back to him about me and would make me sound like

the most rotten defiant evil kid ever. I had no say, no voice to to express what

was really happening. I was just told to do what I was told. Doing what I was

told would mean being an unfeeling slave without a mind of my own and I wasn't

just going to accept a dictator without putting up a fight. Mostly I just stayed

in my room and played guitar and listened to music.

 

LOVE!!!

Travis