Surrendering with the teacher...

April 3, 2010

Hi everyone, Bradly here. I am studying with now, with him nearby. (At

the feet of the master so to speak... )

Here are some of my thoughts on my surrendering at this moment. It is not

pretty. It is struggle at times. It is humbling and ashaming at times because it

seems like it should be simple and easy and clearcut, and yet it is not. And I

want to be a 'good' student. I want to be successful at what I do too! Yet,

surrendering seems to go beyond rational, logical, linear thinking. It delves

into areas we have no awareness of, where our ego reigns supreme and has never

been challenged. (Again not that the object or goal of surrendering is to defeat

or destroy ego, but in certain areas it needs to be challenged healthily for

sure!)

I surrender and go as far as I can and am willing to in the moment. And yet it's

not enough, it's not far enough. I wish to go further with it. There is fear,

there is ego. The ego tells me not to be a 'whipped dog', a pile of mush, slave,

a nothing. Telling me if I surrender fully there is nothing of myself, nothing

left.

NO does not want me to be these things, does not ask me to be mush, a dog

or slave. Merely ego and fear trying to hold on, trying to control things.

Shakti and the Kundalini is much beyond my understanding, yet ego wants to

control, ask, understand, sort of have a grasp on it all, and it's ungraspable.

It's to be surrendered to, perhaps she will have a grasp on me. And for me this

is hard. This is difficult to surrender control over to Shakti and to my

teacher. To give up deciding when and what I do with my day, my time, life, my

thoughts, efforts and all else we surrender. And yet it is not ordered, at least

it doesn't feel that way (yet lol), yet the resistance. Surrendering what I have

'normally' gone about doing my whole day my whole life seems a bit daunting at

times.

I struggle with it. To go deeper and release more. To control the ego. It's all

subtle resistance things. The need to be heard, to be understood, to be this or

that... None of it is all that bad if it's not recieved, but only if you are

okay with not receiving it. The attention, the recognition, the acceptance, the

thanks, the praise... Whatever it seems to be that the ego needs, and has fear

of not having. It's okay to not have it. But ego seems not to be so okay in

trusting in that and makes a big deal out of it. And this all seems totally

normal because most of us have acted this way our whole lives and seen others

act this way. So for me it's difficult to trust fully, to surrender fully, to

stop fearing fully... Anyway it's all gray and new to me.

We allow in a new way of thinking while adjusting the way we are thinking. And

still we are thinking while we do it. So we try to stop thinking, but we are

still thinking. Dodgy, slippery, subtle.

Well time for me to let it all go a little more. Another little baby step until

I can make the 'great leap' into the true surrender that awaits. Or maybe it's

more of a great slide ride that I can truly enjoy when I stop struggling with my

feet and hands trying to slow down the ride. I do not want baby steps any

longer, I want to take the giant leap!

I surrender to Shakti, I surrender to my teacher Chrism, I surrender to God.

I let go of my fears, I let go of my ego, I let in the Kundalini and the divine

agenda. Thank you all for sharing your wisdom and your process. I will apply

what I learned from all of you!

love bradly

April 4, 2010

Beloved Bradly, I so loved what you shared. Thank you.

It is the struggle for all of us. On the Christian

path it is our " cross, " surrendering the ego control

and finding the life of the Spirit. Its hard, it

can be bloody, misery, as room is made for the

new Life to come forth. Your post reminded me of

this, and so I share it with the Group: (I think I

shared it before a while back, too)

Love, dhyana

DYING TO SELF

When you are forgotten, or neglected, or purposely

set at naught, and you don't sting and hurt with the

insult or the oversight, but your heart is happy,

being counted worthy to suffer for Christ. (Divinity)

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are

crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed,

and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even

defend yourself, but take in all in patient, loving

silence.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any

irregularity, any impunctuality, or any annoyance; when

you stand face-to- face with waste, folly, extravagance,

spiritual insensibility-and endure it as Jesus endured.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you are content with any food, any offering, any

climate, any society, any raiment, any interruption by

the will of God.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation,

or to record your own good works, or itch after

commendations, when you can truly love to be unknown.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you can see your brother prosper and have his needs

met and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel

no envy, nor question God, while your own needs are far

greater and in desperate circumstances.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

When you can receive correction and reproof from one of

less stature than yourself and can humbly submit inwardly

as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment

rising up within your heart.

THAT IS DYING TO SELF

Are you dead yet? In these last days, the Spirit would

bring us to the cross.

" That I may know Him, and the power of his resurrection,

and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable

unto his death. " Phil.3:10

, " curball2002 "

<curball2002 wrote:

>

> Hi everyone, Bradly here. I am studying with now, with him nearby. (At

the feet of the master so to speak... )

>

> Here are some of my thoughts on my surrendering at this moment. It is not

pretty. It is struggle at times. It is humbling and ashaming at times because it

seems like it should be simple and easy and clearcut, and yet it is not.