Dad problem and arranged marriage.............

May 9, 2005

As I explained earlier I have a father who gets angry very quickly and he's been like this for many, many years. He's also obsessed with cleaning and always worried about money.

In his nature I can see 'Krodh' and 'Lobh.'

(Read thread Tricky Dilema).

Because of this I have felt much grievance and so has my mum (my mum has a worse time of it -I often feel he behaves like a bully towards her and tries to communicate his views and ideas through her voice -i.e. manipulation). He also drinks alc and then turns sour during weekends. He complains that he does has great difficulty with house work and bills and complains that we do nothing for him.

My father is disabled (can't walk proper) so we all try and help where we can (my mum also works in a factory and has physical ailments sometimes) and when there is little work my dads volcano erupts and stresses her till she cries and sometimes in front of me.

My two brothers live separately (they are academically very clever so they live in different towns so it's difficult to turn to them and tell them what's going on -their jobs are there). I would also move out but would be very cowardly since my mum struggles so much. My mum is treated so bad that I feel sometimes like pulling the jedi sword out and letting him feel my wrath -but I seem to always keep in control and put Krsna at the centre of the situation.

Many times I feel that there is a heavy energy when entering my house and when I enter a room and he's there I feel uncomfortable and cannot relax when he's there. I don't feel at peace when I am near him and feel the 'volcano' can erupt at any time. I feel he always is trying to make me work or clean something and control me. He also doesn't like things out of place in the house. He also stopped me going to the Hare Krsna Mandir on Sundays (which is always joyous and liberating).

I am well aware of the principles of Krishna Cons. and aim to employ them as much as I can at every moment. I have good control over food also.

This situation concerns me dearly since my mum is not happy (I often see her cry) and I feel hindered on my own personal growth. Having said this I still feel a graet joy in Krsna Cons so inwardly I can be OK and quite paeceful -I try not to allow the externals touch my internal workins.

My parents want me to get married but having seen many examples of what happens after marriage (even when there is 'love') between 2 conditioned souls it does not inspire me or generate interest in engaging myself in this way. I see it as expensive in terms of time, money and ultimately spiritual growth.

I have also made the point to my friends that even if u do get married only about the 1st 20 years can u relish sense plaesure and then the body starts to sag -so you get ripped off there as well (and of course u also have to play the defending and maintenance game also which i feel is a pain).

I feel 'love' in the marriage sense is a heightened, more refined and more subtle form of lust -don't think there is a better explanation than this.

I also feel that if you get involved with someone you tie yourself to the wheel of samsara further and further and creating more and more desires and more bodily and mental contortions. I have dealt more than aptly with my worldly issues and have learnt my lessons from life. I am fed up to my back teeth with worldy struggles now.

If all this was my choice entirely I would not get married since i am content with my lot now and feel great confort in Krsna Cons (I feel greatly humbled that I am fortunate to be aware of this way and give my thanks to the Lord and his true devotees).

Me getting married would open the floodgates of desire and also she also may have a hard time coping with parental stresses (which I don't think is fair). I would also play the samsara game which I feel is full of knots. She may also become a great burden on me financially, emmotionally and spiritually.

For years I have searched for the Absolute Truth and could not find it in any academic institution but found it in the principles of Krsna Cons. Other skills and principles I found in martial arts which also give me leverage to gain advantage in the modern workplace without causing self harm and harm to others -especially when dealing with demoniac mentalities. At this moment my life is simple, I pray, go work, eat and train. My tension relates to the storms that happen in the house. I love living peacefully.

But this sitaution is different -this is my dad. I want to now stop his nonsense so my mum can have her freedom and I can have mine. My parents also see it as a need to get me married otherwise it look bad in my samaj for my family. They don't understand that I don't like answering to the inferior thoughts of mundane and false-egofied people who have physical wealth and high status in the samaj -most of these at best i feel are criminals. In fact it humours me in watching the performances that these people put because they think they are the 'Dr', 'accountant', etc. but u can see through their fakeness that they're all as miserable as each other - all trying to find a better way. There are a few gems however that do really shine -you can see the joy in their face and always willing to embrace you and have an aire of sincerity about them 'genuine gems'.

Any way i've gone on a tangent -sorry!

Please advise me about

a. my dad

b. marriage

Respectful thanks

May 10, 2005

Your dad:

You've judged your dad, and what happens. You are tired. You see your mome as vitim, real big victim. You want to express your sincerity towards your mom, by involving into her relationship with your dad which has sustained this long. You see your dad as a failure, & you see all of yourself as a failure, and the two brothers who are away as clever & successful.

You are bouncing off your judgement of your family & dad with friends, for validating your own judgements.

I think you might want to consider leaving your family alone, & giving sometime for yourself. You are living in your family, showing no integrity towards your family existence, betraying your own existence by considering it as a failure, continuing to live in the existence & report ill of it. May be leaving your dad & mom for sometime will do you good. You care for your mom, & trust me that she'll like to continue with your dad (& do herself good), irrespective whatever she might speak about your dad as though from her heart. Don't delay your leaving of the existence, by worrying about your mom.

Try behaving indifferent, if your mom where to complain of your dad to you or your brothers. Your mom would have been happy to appear as victim of her husband in the eyes of her children. This might have been a poor example of integrity demonstrated by your mom since your childhood, and you as kids would not have known any reaction other than taking your mom;s inputs too seriously. You better learn integrity & learn it that it's your recipe for peace & also for your house.

If you have been doing any service to your parents, which has been useful to them, consider continuing it even though you may be away, by taking help from others.

Your marriage:

Consider marriage, when you learn the meaning of integrity and doing service to family.