Preparing for Death

[atma]

 

Yesterday I got the news that my mom is very ill in the hospital, I called my sister and she told me that she has terminal cancer in the lungs and it is too late to do anything. Talking to my sister I found out that suddenly my mother couldn't breath properly and after the exams the doctors said that the cancer is spread everywhere. They'll release her for the weekend and she has to go back for 7 days of chemo and after that is not more treatment because it is useless.

What upset me most of all this situation is that they are not telling my mom that she has terminal cancer and she has only few months to live. The doctors and my brothers and sister are keeping it a secret even from other members of the family. My mother is a heavy smoker and as far as I remember she had 2 packets daily. My sis said that she is down to one now and of course at the hospital she is not smoking but the moment that they release her she'll go back to the cigarrettes because the doctos told my relatives not to deprive her of anything.

 

My sister warned me not to said anything to my mom when I'll talk to her on the phone this weekend and it is so sad that I won't be able to tell her that this is her chance to prepare herself for death. Not so many people have the opportunity to know that they have few months to live and here they are going to help her killing herself faster providing her with the cigarrettes. Not common sense at all what to say of any spiritual life.

Many times I saw devotees arriving in Vrindavan because they knew that death was near and they took shelter of the holy land, devotees and Radha-Shyam. They prepared themselves for a better birth or maybe no more births.

Maharaja Pariksit heard the Bhagavatam from the lips of a pure devotee when he knew that his death was near.

I feel so helpless at the moment but is not much that I can do.

My sister who is also a heavy smoker told me that she'll quit after all this is finish. I told her to quit right now but she couldn't heard about it. How much illusion and foolishness. I feel so sorry for them. I can only pray that at the moment of my mom' death she can remember the Lord and get His mercy.

 

[Yashoda_dd]

Personal experience is always more powerful when it comes to thinking about the reality and about God's place in our lives.

 

Your mother is lucky, actually. She knows she has very short time to stay with us. She has time to prepare everybody, including herself (as much as that is possible, because we do not want to die).

 

I am sure you will use all the knowledge, all the sastra verses, all your experience so your family can go through this hell easily.

 

My mother did not have this kind of mercy: she died on her birthday, with heart attack, she fell down on street, without knowing she HAD a heart situation.

 

I wish I could be there with her (I was in Bombay at that time), I wish I could feed her and wash her, and stay with her untill the last tick of her heart.

 

 

[Gauracandra]

Atma,

 

I'm sorry to hear of this. That is quite a predicament that your family is putting you in (not to let your mother know). Perhaps you could let her know in a subtle manner, such as suggesting she pray more, go to church more etc.... In any event, she has you as a daughter, and so I think all the good service you perform she gets some of the benefit for it. Death is such a fundamental aspect to life, and yet no matter how hard we might think we are prepared for it, I think it takes most of us by surprise. Like most things in life all we can do is do our best.

[gHari]

I was fortunate to be able to sit by my mother's hospital bed, chanting in her ear while she spent her last times in a coma. Had she been awake, she would never have tolerated it.

 

A couple of months ago, various limbs of my body started to go numb. I began considering that I might leave. No anxiety; just regret that I haven't really preached nicely. Always putting it off; just like I missed thanking Prabhupada - then he was gone. It seems to have helped me with my attachment to my son, and any desire to enjoy the toys seems to have left as well.

 

I think the only real preparation is surrender. As devotees, we should be expert in helping our parents approach this position. We know there is no other way; and maybe in the final times they will be more receptive than ever to hear us sing our song, that song we love so much.<font color="#f7f7f7">

 

[This message has been edited by gHari (edited 02-23-2002).]

[leyh]

Atma Mataji:

 

I can understand your frustration at being denied the chance to prepare your mother for discarding the material body,but since she has nourished you with life so that you were eventually able to become a devotee,she will surely be included in Krsna's mercy.

 

Lord Caitanya Mahaprabh gave special mercy to His devotees' relatives.Amogha,the son-in-law of Sarvabhauma Bhattacarya,blasphemsed Lord Caitanya and he had to suffer cholera for his offence unto the Lord.But Lord Caitanya spared him and said to him:"You are the object of My affection because you are the son-in-law of Sarvabhauma Bhattacarya.Everyone in Sarvabhauma's house is dear to Me,including his maids and servants and even his dog.And what to speak of his relatives?" (Caitanya-caritamrta Madhya 15.283-4)

 

So much mercy for a devotee's son-in-law, what to speak of the mother? Please don't lose faith,mataji.Krsna will never forget you.

 

 

[alfa1]

Before my wife die of cancer, we consider is better to start fasting, and because the cancer was everywhere special in the liver, because of fasting she didn't have any pain.

Before death it's good to clean ourselves as much as possible.

[atma]

Thank you for the feedback. It was very sweet of you, Leyh, to give the example of Sarvabhauma Bhattacharya. I'm not a devotee, I'm just trying to be a decent human, there're too many anarthas in my heart to consider myself a bhakta.

 

I'm going to do a few austerities on my mother's behalf so that she can earn the merit for it. Today I fasted half day -Ekadasi- and went to the Balaji temple in Malibu and gave some milk to the deities on her name. I'm writing to my friend in Mayapur to donate the Raj Bhoga offering to Radha_Madhava on my mother's name and like this I'll do as much as I can for her.

 

I spoke to her yesterday and she thinks that it is only a tumor and with the chemo will go away, but she hardly could speak. Her breathing was laborious and she had a coughing spell that stopped our conversation. I don't think that she'll last 6 months. The good thing is that she spoke about the "Krsna's" quite a bit. Asking me about the bankrupcy situation and she even joked that with the chemo her hair will fall off and she will look like the "Krsna's".

 

Anyhow, thank you again for your support and please pray for her that she can go to a better destination.

 

[gauraprema]

Dear atma,

 

I remember once when I was speaking to a senior devotee, he mentioned that if one becomes a devotee, at each level, kanistha madhyama and uttama, 7, 14 and 21 generations respectively of family on both sides, meaning ancestors and descendants are delivered. So you are glorious, you have delivered so many members of your family. I am sure Lord Krishna will shower all blessings on your mother, and give her a better situation so that she might continue to increase her sukriti which first developed when her son became a devotee. I am also praying for her. Hare Krishna!

 

Your servant

Sudevi dasi

[leyh]

The good thing is that she spoke about the "Krsna's" quite a bit. Asking me about the bankrupcy situation and she even joked that with the chemo her hair will fall off and she will look like the "Krsna's".

"One who chants the holy name of the Lord is immediately freed from the reactions of unlimited sins, even if he chants indirectly [to indicate something else], jokingly, for musical entertainment, or even neglectfully. This is accepted by all the learned scholars of the scriptures." (Srimad Bhagavatam 6.2.14)

 

[JRdd]

Atma prabhu, how are things with your mother? I really emphathise with your position. I have long known that my family will not let me near my mother with all my hocus-pocus, so I take consolation in the deliverance of ancestors, as Gauraprema pointed out. That, and just saying whatever I can to shed light her way while she is alive.

 

I myself am facing a situation in which it seems my life is hanging in a balance. So I have been thinking about writing living wills, and a friend and I plan to start an egroup discussion about this (as soon as we both feel a bit better! ). I was given some information recently at the hospital about living wills, and I think if is very important for devotees to think about what they want both while dying and at death. This must be made clear in writing, then notarized (there is often an office that offers free notarizations one day a week, phone around) and then you send copies to friends, family, doctors, whoever you want to inform of your wishes. Things you may state can include not being put on life support indefinitely, when there is no hope for survival, practical things like that, and for devotees I think it is essential that we write who we would like at our bedside, and what rites,etc, administered. my friend suggests a kit, with the auspicious articles in it, to be ready. You could include contacts names of those you want with you at the time of death. I have been wondering how to break it to my family without hurting their feelings that I want only devotees with me at that time. But now I see it as a simple matter, as I only have to say it is a matter of my own particular faith, that I have to have people of the same faith, and are able and willing to administer to me the things our faith requires (like chanting Hare Krsna!!!). This is an area with no room for compromise. You don't live your life trying to focus on Krsna, only to give way to sentimentality and let relatives speak to you of memories of this world at the crucial moment of death. In movies they say things like "imagine your favorite place, walking on a beach", things like that. There's no understanding about how important the consciousness is at the moment of death.

 

Anyway, I think this living will idea is important no matter waht your age of state of health, because any one of us could die at any moment.

 

ys, Jayaradhe

[abhi_the_great]

Talking abt death is really horrifying. My salutes to all those wonderful angels who passed away to eternity listening to the melodious chanting of the mahamantra.

 

What a succesful life, what a succesful death. Prabhupad your name shd be in the guiness book of world records for rescuing the maximum number of souls in the most degraded of times. Why should not tears well up in ones eyes, just by thinking of the magnanimity of Srila Prabhupad, Jagat Guru.

 

Only your lotus feet are accomodating enough for all the demons of Kali yuga.

 

Abhi..