Things you wish you could say at work

[Gauracandra]

1. Ahhh- I see the $%^&-up fairy has visited us again….

2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet its hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message….

8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of #@*&

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.

14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

26. Any your crybaby whiney-butt opinion would be…?

27. Do I look like a people person?

28. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

30. You know, it takes 32 muscles to smile, but only 4 to flip you off!

31. You!…Off my planet!

32. Does your train of though have a caboose?

33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

35. Allow me to introduce my selves.

36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed it.

37. CAPTAIN! SHE CANNA TAKAH ANYMOORE!!

38. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

40. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

41. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1?

42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

44. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

45. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

46. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

47. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

48. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

 

[Tarun]

There was a poster on one office wall where I worked:

"If you want to see the Dead come to Life, be here at quittin' Time."