dasa Posted April 6, 2002 Report Share Posted April 6, 2002 Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots." The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. Kids' Deep Thoughts Thursday, February 28, 2002 -- Apparently from an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." -- I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? -- Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. -- Age 10 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! -- Age 6 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. -- Age 7 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -- Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. -- Age 5 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. -- Age 15 [This message has been edited by dasa (edited 04-06-2002).] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarun Posted April 9, 2002 Report Share Posted April 9, 2002 Really Great! This present SNL group is quite charming. Still, Jack Handy's stuff should be reinstated, allowed it's usual former musik + 60-75 second scrolldown. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2003 Report Share Posted March 25, 2003 "Man oh man thats a bright thing what the hell is that?" Mary told me to go to sleep. "No" I said "I'm ganna find out what that thing is!" i squinted at it for a while then turned it off and went to bed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2003 Report Share Posted March 25, 2003 Why did I ever tell that strang woman where i lived. Now she comes by all the time. I cant seen to get her away some times I use a broom to fight her off and sometimes i scream and it seems to scare her off. Man I hate my Grandma. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2003 Report Share Posted March 25, 2003 hey you guys i made the two above this one too... heres another: One day I started walking, i walked until my legs were shaky and i had sweat all over my body, i was pretty dehidrated too. Thats the day i saw god. Now it makes me wonder if those religious guys are dehidrated too. If they are they should make a club called Dehidrated people. Then finally i would be accepted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2003 Report Share Posted March 25, 2003 What if the whole planet was just a big rock that was really hott on the inside. What if i was wrong? would i still exist? I bet my kids will ask the same questions about there planet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2003 Report Share Posted March 25, 2003 Wow that thing was gross. I'm glad i steped on it. i wonder what it was jeeze maybe i should look under my foot maybe it was an endagered species. No, it couldnt be I've seen them all over the place. Not quite as big as this one though. Just in case i should probably skip town. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2003 Report Share Posted March 25, 2003 I threw down my weapon and surrenderd i had my back to him with my hands up. How did he sneak up behind me like that. I didn't even see him let alone hear a sound. Maybe he is a goast. In that case ive heard that goasts cant hurt anyone that is alive. Wait they wouldn't be able to hurt dead people either. What the hell can they do then? Goasts are worthless! Yes, that is my conclustion about goasts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2003 Report Share Posted March 25, 2003 The things I say make no sence, thats probably why i say them in that order. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2003 Report Share Posted March 25, 2003 I think the only time i feel sad for some guy is if hes crying. Unless hes crying because i feel sad for him. Who knows when that started but when ever it was... no thats just too crazy to think about! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 25, 2003 Report Share Posted March 25, 2003 If I was god the first thing i would do is get a pet dog, the second thing i would do is get a pet human. I would probably get a man human so i could have my two pets be best friends. Not excluding women i would have chosen a woman if it didnt mean that I had to exchange my dog for a Kamoto Dragon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2003 Report Share Posted March 26, 2003 true it was late in the day and I was running out of gas but i thought to myself what would a sea monster do im my position. I thought then that it was probably safer to stop driving then to drive drunk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2003 Report Share Posted March 26, 2003 "I told you to get that looked at Marsha next time listen to me." I put my hand on her hand. "The doctor is the best there is there may still be time. oh god, your dead arnt you? i knew from the first time they tried to close your casket. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2003 Report Share Posted March 26, 2003 One thing i like about parrets is that they can talk the talk and fly the fly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2003 Report Share Posted March 26, 2003 The one funny thing about an Ice age is that you can never quite know when they are going to melt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 26, 2003 Report Share Posted March 26, 2003 When i was a young boy i asked my dad why we never went fishing or skiing like all of the other kids and thier dads. He took me aside and said "your not my son. Ive never seen you before in my life." then my dad desserted me and i never saw him again. I guess ill just have to keep fishing with that wierd old man that lives with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 26, 2003 Report Share Posted June 26, 2003 your not funny at all. all of Jack handys are funny but then I read yours and I would prefer dying over that. Good Lord you are not funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 9, 2003 Report Share Posted July 9, 2003 those just plain suck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 20, 2003 Report Share Posted July 20, 2003 Post deleted by Admin5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 29, 2003 Report Share Posted July 29, 2003 you really do suck, sorry man but its the T-R-U-T-H!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 29, 2003 Report Share Posted July 29, 2003 Jake Saxon, I know it seems like reading other peoples jokes and trying to imitate them is funny, but you just didn't pull it off. I can honestly say that the little kids could teach you something when it comes to deep thoughts. You should probably stick to your day job, that is if you have one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 9, 2003 Report Share Posted August 9, 2003 i think u are really funny that makes me happy reading jakes and wanting to die also i read your comment, laughed and you saved my life thank you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 25, 2003 Report Share Posted August 25, 2003 i think you guys are all funny...except for that one dude Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 21, 2003 Report Share Posted October 21, 2003 This ones funny others arnt but this one is "When i was a young boy i asked my dad why we never went fishing or skiing like all of the other kids and thier dads. He took me aside and said "your not my son. Ive never seen you before in my life." then my dad desserted me and i never saw him again. I guess ill just have to keep fishing with that wierd old man that lives with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 22, 2003 Report Share Posted November 22, 2003 hey, hes not that bad, but jack handys is better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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