My faith is under a cloud...please help!

[martensite]

Well, my apologies in advance if it seems like a sappy story, but I have to get it off my chest because it is driving me insane.

 

 

I come from a very religious family who are followers of Vaishnavism.

 

From my younger days (Iam nearly 27 now) i used to be religious, in the sense that I had full faith in Sri Venkateswara, though i must admit i never did pay much attention to ritualistic practices. About four years ago, i came over to the US (from India). Then, it started slipping away. Due to pressure of studies and a highly irregular schedule, I did not find time (or have the mind) to pray daily.

 

I do not think it was due to a sudden contact with western culture, because i have always been exposed to the west, right from my childhood, and i am no stranger to it. I know the pitfalls, and I have stayed away from them.

 

I did not go down the path of atheism, but I kind of strayed away from religion. That was entirely my fault.

 

About Feb. of last year, I met a girl. She was Buddhist, from East Asia. I got to know her, because we shared a common office, and I liked her very much. She was the girl I was waiting for, all my life. She was intelligent, charming, very sweet, beautiful and conservative, with a strong sense of values. And she was single, she did not have any boyfriend. She was not the type who would go out with anybody and everybody (she never had a proper boyfriend upto now).

 

She was like me in so many aspects. She was the very first girl whom I ever liked. I have never womanized or attempted to. I have never looked for a girl, never 'socialized' in the hope of 'attracting' girls, because I always felt that when I met the right girl, then I would know.

 

With a clear conscience, I can say that that I have a led a mostly principled and ethical life. (Not perfect by far, but I have tried to always tried to do what is right, and help others as much as possible.)

 

Last March, I approached her hesitantly and asked her out for dinner, but was unsuccessful. In the following weeks, she was still very friendly towards me, but did not suggest that there would be any romantic involvement at all. The ironic part was she did not know how alike we were, and how I'd do anything to make her happy.

 

I pondered the developments for awhile and came to the conclusion that it was a signal from the Lord that I had strayed from the Path, and I needed to correct my ways.

 

I prayed from the bottom of my heart to The Lord to make things alright for me. For so many months, I prayed. I did not ask for wealth, or fame, or harm to anyone else. All i asked for was that the girl and I should be together. It would have been an insignificantly simple thing for The Lord to do, He who supports the Universe with but a fraction of His power. And, it would have meant so much to me. It would have brought so much light into my life.

 

But instead of things getting any better, it has been downhill all the way for the past few months. For some inexplicable reason, she has drifted so far away from me, that she even hesitates to speak to me now. We no longer share the same office, so I dont even see her much these days. Incidents in the past week have strongly suggested that the chances, of my ever being successful with her, are approximately zero.

 

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(1) I dont understand what I did wrong. Is it because I asked The Lord for something due to selfish motives? Is it because my request was of a shallow and material nature? Is it because I strayed away from The Lord for nearly 3 years. I dont understand. He is supposed to be an endless ocean of Infinite Mercy. What did I do to not deserve His Mercy?

 

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(2) For the past one week, my mind has been in great turmoil. I am feeling things that I should never feel.

 

I feel a strong sense of betrayal and abandonement by the Lord. It is very, very wrong, I know, but I am not able to help it.

 

There are phases of clarity in which my mind is completely calm and connected with Sri Venkateswara and Sri Ranganatha (my favourite Deity), with no worries about anything in the past or present.

 

I have to quell this straying of my mind, because I am not even able to say my prayers. Even as blasphemous as it seems to say it I am developing negative thoughts towards the Lord. I do not want that to happen. I cannot let that happen. It is simply not acceptable.

 

I need to regain my faith in the Lord. I want my calm phase of mind to be prevalent.

 

Please suggest something. I would be grateful for any advice. If you could also answer (1), it would be very helpful.

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I feel much better after I have finished typing this post because I have to get it out of my system. Even if nobody reads it fully, it is fine.

[Guest guest]

Relax the lord works in mysterious ways. Faith is innate so dont question it or try to force it. As for women theyre even more mysterious and you will NEVER understand them. Your best bet is just to relax and be yourself and if you have to make the effort to go and see her then so be it. But dont try to hard because in my experience women dont like this. But then again I dont understand them either lol. Good luck my friend!

[anveshan]

My Good Young Friend,

 

Think of a situation like this:

 

A poor widowed lady’s only son, her only hope, was in hospital in a critical condition. She knocked all the doors, including the Lord’s to raise some money for his operation. At last, when it seemed all doors were closed, she robbed some money of a neighbour, also a poor lady. She had kept the money for her

daughter’s marriage.

 

The next day the two ladies stood before Lord Lakshmi Narayan. The widowed lady prayed: “ Merciful One, thank you for saving my only son. Forgive me for stealing and save me from police, because nobody else is there to take care of my ailing son” The second lady prayed: “ Omniscient and Omnipotent Lord, you only knows who has stolen my money. Please recover my money and punish the robber”

 

Supposing another ardent lover prayed before the Lord for the hand of the girl?

 

You will come across instances like this. An innocent man convicted to death, a real murderer getting

acquitted , a pious person dies in an accident while on a pilgrimage to Vaishnodevi or Mecca ….. We all are unable to explain the phenomena.

 

God is the Primordial Nature. He does the things in His own natural way. He is the best judge.

 

Regarding prayers, seek Him ardently, but ask Him not. Because, simply there is no need for asking.

 

With Love

Anveshanam

 

[anadi]

Oh, a wonderful answer.

Maybe you should forget about that girl, only that you cannot NOW. Maybe you should learn patiance, it is only a question of time, and you will be free.

 

Look for good association. People who know what is what.

Maybe you have good luck and you meet such people.

Everything depends on your sincere desires, and their intensity.

 

The Lord knows what you want, He knows that whatever we want from this world is harmful, but because we want it, He will give it us.

There is only one impediment: our karma.

So there is only a question of time and we will be the dancing dogs of some beauty.

This is our misfortune: we want girls.

One should recognize the evil of such desires.

And if he is week, one shold pray for enlightment.

We are week.

 

Desiring is suffering. (beeing attached to this world)

 

We should learn to desire the right thing.

This kind of love is only burning passion.

The word passion in german Leiden-schaft means that which creates (schaft) suffering (Leiden).

[Guest guest]

Dear Martensite,

 

Many people have the idea that God must become their servant or their order supplier if he actually exists. When their desires, or prayers, are not met they become angry with God.

 

My son has that type of relationship with me. When I have to tell him no for whatever reason, he often gets angry with me.

 

I am sure you have heard the saying that, 'Man proposes, God disoposes'. This means that God is an autocrat and does what he wants when he wants.

 

Try to be a bit more introspective in your approach to divinity. Krsna reciprocates with everyone according to their approach, but he is especially inclined toward those that love him. No doubt, everything material also comes ultimately from Krsna and there is no harm in asking him and praying to him for fulfillment of your material desires - but you should also realize that in this world of action and reaction you will get what you deserve according to your actions. Just like my son may ask me to buy him somehthing and I may say, alright, but you have something to do as well - you must do some chores or behave a certain way or whatever it might be. Now if my son doesn't complete his part of the equation do you think that I should complete mine? Karma is something like that.

 

But what we really want, our soul proper, is to be done with karma altogether and to live with Krsna and his servants in eternity. It is said that in the spiritual kingdom the paths are paved with gems and there are trees and cows that fulfill all desires. Sounds like a wonderful place, right? But the really wonderful thing is that in order to go there you have to become desireless. You have to become selfless and only desire the pleasure of Krsna.

 

Do you know the story of Druva Maharaja in Srimad Bhagavatam? Without going into all the details I'll start with the part where he goes into the forest and takes up chanting a mantra given to him by Narada Muni for the purpose of obtaining the Lord's darshan. Druva wants a kingdom of his own and feels that if he can get the Lord's darshan surely he will grant him his boon. Druva was very determined and ultimately was successful in obtaining the darshan of the Lord, but when he finally did he realized that his wish was like asking for broken glass from one who can give the most precious gem stones. He realized that he had already received so much more than anything he could possibly conceive of materially speaking.

 

If you continue to think of God as that person who owes you something for your allegiance and dedication you will continue to be disappointed in the long run. Many 'spiritualists' end up angry with God and disillusioned because they end up in material mistery. They feel that God has cheated them or that he hasn't come through for them. This same sort of dilemna is outlined in all great scriptures of the world and puts faith to the test. The question takes many different forms such as if God is a just God then why do so many innocent people suffer? Why cancer? Why? Why? Why?

 

The Vedic rishis have answered this question by explaining action and reaction and scientifically (as far as possbile) explaining the principle of karma.

 

If you think that your love and devotion to God will lead to a better more fulfilling material situation you should think again. What Krsna is giving is love of himself and the ability to transcend the material situation we find ourselves in. When we receive his mercy we will find that we have the greatest wealth and even though we may suffer from disease, starvation, ridicule or any other material calamity we will always be protected and find the highest wealth deep within our own hearts.

 

Your servant,

Audarya-lila dasa

[Guest guest]

Here's my 2 cents.I can't give you any advice as I am myself a demon and rascal.So you please visit http://www.near-death.com which has many profound nde's.Click on the old homepage.You will like it!

 

Good luck!

 

Joy

[martensite]

Dear friends,

Thank you very much for your advice and analysis.

 

I also knew deep down inside, about the quest for material desires leading to misery, and the inescapability of Karma without the Will of The Lord. I was just not able to reconcile to it so easily, given my petty human nature. However, your answers have made some things clearer. I will start from there.

 

Best regards,

-M

 

 

[theist]

not alone there martinsite. I'm still a little miffed that I wasn't born with great wealth. I mean, "there must be some mistake"!! /images/graemlins/smile.gif

[Guest guest]

God's decision is to make your life more comfortable by denying something, that you think is good for you, but actually very bad for you. Since, the Almighty knows, the past and the future, he has already seen that you two would not be happy with each other, and therefore, your relationship with her has not worked at all. The differences in your faiths, itself might become a big problem for you two. I have closely seen the lives of Graduate students in US, when I was there for a short while.There, one is forced to think about material aspects and comforts continuously, to the extent that, we go away from spirutual life. Please, never think that, this is the end of life. I know, how difficult it is to get over such feelings!

Even if you stray for a short while and come back to God, He still is all-merciful, kind to you, so do not hesitate to approach Him. Since, He is not an ordinary human with petty feelings of grudge and revenge, He would accept you as you are and show you the correct path.

[Guest guest]

 

 

 

Yep, You are not alone at all my dear friend. I had a woman that haunted me for years. I thought she was divine and I could not get her out of mind. She even told me she loved me forever then before I knew it she was gone off with another person. Only just recently have I realized that Krishna was protecting me all along. He does these things so you increase your attachment to Him and then you will make rapid progress to the place where love is forever.

[Guest guest]

martensite,

 

you love the girl, and you love god,

but you love the girl more than god.

That is a problem.

 

the girl has her choice whom to marry or go out.

 

once and for all, you can ask her,

"please tell me, will you marry me or not.

say no, and i will forget you, and will not think of you,

because i need to think of rangahatna more."

 

if she says yes, you got what you wnat.

if she says no, then you know what rangnahta wants.

so accept the situation as it is.

and do your regular sadhana of ranganath.

 

if he wishes, even better girl may come in your life.

 

jai sri ranganath!

 

[Gauracandra]

Don't sweat it. If it happens it happens. If not, don't let it get you down. Often times the anxieties we have in life are a product of our imagination. The mind can cause us undue stress if we let it.

[Guest guest]

It is understandable that you are down because of an unsuccessful relationship. I have been down spiritually before, but now feel that as long as I remember krishna he is there for me. Drinking alcohol started my journey away from the light of Godhead but now I am stable in mind and body and have come to a length where keeping up with meditation duties has been rewarding. Good luck in facing your problems.