how to share krsna concsiousness

[Haridham]

Hare krsna everyone. This is Haridham

 

 

Now I was wondering something, I plan to post up the story of what happened when I and my wife met for the first time soon. If someone thinks its better not to then I wont but I have a question.

 

 

How do I direct my wife to Krsna Consciousness. Its hard for me over the net because she wont feel the complete essense if I email her stuff. Its hard over the phone because I am not there and there isnt much time on the phone.

 

When I met my wife(an amazing story followed) I told her from the beggining that I was in the Hare Krsna movement and I didnt want her to find any surprises after. I wanted to be honest. She ofcourse loved the fact that I was with Iskcon. Since then ofcourse we havent spent much time together.

 

So my question is what can I do? Any of the regular devotees have any suggestions. I think the best thing I can do is lead by example. BUt thats when she comes here, what about when she is over there in Madagascar? She tells me that she chants. I dont want to overdo anything and force her or else she will rebel. Do I send her any quotes? If so, which do u think are the best.

 

KRsna consciousness is the most wonderful thing I have ever experianced and once she is here she can experiance that also. I have been on bus trips, book distribution, car washes, countless great devotee association and other things. Her world is going to feel, express and experiance something that she has never before experianced....atleast thats what I think

 

Anyone with any ideas?

 

Hare Krsna

[Guest guest]

First do your duty then think about the future. The mind is a very active thing. Try to put on a leash and keep it in present.

 

Don't force any one to anything. Encourage them, don't sit there like a captain and say "Alright, give me 64 right now" . No, love should be something that they want to give to krishna, they should force themselves, not be forced by others.

 

[Guest guest]

If she liked it that you were into the movement from the start, sounds like you've nothing to worry about.

 

Which makes me wonder if your question is really how do you make her a devotee, or what is the role of a husband?

 

YS,

Prtha dd

[Haridham]

thank you for your encouregment, I never planned to be a captian. I want to give her the best example by showing her love and affection and lead by the best example. The thing is my nature is to preach and I know that maybe I shoudnt preach to my wife because....well....family and reletives dont like it as I know and have experianced with my parents, sister and brother.

 

I just will bring her to the temple, let her experiance it herself, have her eat some prasadam, associate with the girls and hopefully things will be ok.

 

Only Krsna knows.

 

THanks

Hare Krsna

[Haridham]

Priitha ji, I am always willing to learn from senior devotees the best method in which I can be a good husband. From what I understand in the Srimad Bagavatam it is stated that one shoudnt be a husband, wife, father, mother, guru or a worshipable demigod unless he can liberate his dependants.

 

Ofcourse I will encourage her to chant and as well as show her that I love her and such but there are times when I say to myself what if she doesnt chant, what if she doesnt like the movement or I am in it. We would have issues.

 

BUt I cant worry about that now I guess.

 

hare Krsna

[Haridham]

I am also concerned about her ideas relating to sex and mine. I mean I understand and told her that sex according to our Sampradaya was to beget Krsna Consciouss children and only once a month, to which she had a look of "is he crazy" hahahaha.

 

Its true though and how should I explain this to her without getting too preachy as some people would say because I dont want her to be turned off from Krsna Consciousness.

 

I mean she might think I dont love her or something like that when I actually do love her.

 

Oh boy....I am thinking to much again.

 

hare Krsna

[Priitaa]

Haridhama,

 

Haribol. Oh, not sure I was trying to give advice as a senior devotee ha, on anything. I was just trying to figure out what your real or underlying questions was because you had posted so often about your concern she would not be into Krishna consciousness, but now pointed out she liked that you are into the movement (same thing). So I began to wonder if you are more-so thinking about how to be husband. That's the only reason I brought that up. Oh yes, and I also suspect you are a worry wort lol but one thing at a time.

 

I can't really tell you how to be a husband. No one can, though you can get ideas from many.

 

One tihng I noticed most devotee husbands messesd up on was not being their wife's friend but living almost in another dimension lol, and then checking up on her as her boss. For example, coming home at noon after a lovely day at the temple or in his air conditioned office and asking her "Have you chanted all your rounds yet?" In the meantime she's running around the house after 3 year old Krishna das and feeding 6 month old Govinda dasi, trying to make home made meals from scratch, cleaning the house in between, and oh yes, homeschooling five year old Jaganatha das, all on a hot day in May with no air conditioning. Then he wants to know if she chanted 16 rounds yet???! lol He's lucky if she could even find her beadbag. Which doesn't mean she should not chant, not at all. But if he helped out in some way she might be better facilitated to chant, rather than his giving lip service of "checking up" but doing nothing.

 

And thats what it boils down to. It was less about of what a husband said to the wife, and more about what he did. It's easy to speak, but when we live by our words, you know that saying: actions speak louder than words, these were the more functional married couples.

 

Tho even that did not work if the husband had the propensity to lord it over. That brought up another problem, as he knows what he's doing at his job or service, but the home is more her domain. She often has a better idea how to run things there. However, that can be hard for some men, I understand. In which case, better to stay out of it instead of getting involved or giving advice or instruction that is less workable and not much realized. They often sound good in theory, but in reality not so great. She's often been there, done that, but friction can arise when she tries to express this. However, he can still help tho. In such cases, he can help her with his money, since that is an area most men feel more comfortable & empowered about. He can use his money to hire a private tutor for Jaganatha das, or buy lunch from a devotee restaurant and bring it home for the family, simple things like that mean a lot to a devotee wife.

 

The verse you quote, "that one shoudnt be a husband, wife, father, mother, guru or a worshipable demigod unless he can liberate his dependants," is very true, but often misunderstood. It is one reason many husbands did indeed lord it over, viewing themselves as her guru (not saying you are doing this). They would come home and boss her around, thinking they were taking care of her soul. But they were not looking within on a regular basis to uproot their own anartha's, so their behavior actually put a wall up between themselves and their wife. IMHO it's one significant cause of the high divorce rate in ISKCON.

 

I'm not saying go the other extreme, simply that when one is not a pure devotee but comes home and acts like one (a guru), huge blocks go up in the relationsihp because truth always leaks out, she lives with him and knows him. Matter of fact, and this may surprise you or many men out there, but women confide in each other they often know their husband better then he knows himself. Tho again I feel this is because he has not taken enough time to weed out his personal anarthas. Anyway, it will be more what the husband does, then what he says, which will help him liberate his family. Especially when he has children who will be quick to point out his faults in their teen years. haha

 

It's not an absolute truth of course, but from the way we have all ready seen things work, or not work in the movement, it holds value. A good example (not a show of a good example - two different things!) and a willingness to help her as a team player is much more powerful preaching than some other misunderstood ideals which obviously we were artifically practicing. If we try to be more advanced than we really are, fall down, guaranteed. :-)

 

Now on to the next point. I realize you want your wife to feel what you feel about Krishna consciousness. She seldom will. Your (future) children seldom will. Even if they all love it, only you will feel what you feel. This is a hard one for some men, but part of a functional marriage is the understanding that as two separate persons, your spouse will more often have different feelings about many things, most things, & even if they are positive they won't be exactly the same as yours. I realize the ideologic romance novels ha (not saying you read them!) or movies or tv or just our own minds try to convince us is that two people who genuinely care for each other, feel the same way. Whlile this happens sometimes, most of the time it IS just ideology. In real life, the marriages that are most functional are the ones where there is respect for the other persons feelings even when they are different from your own. (And visa versa.) You are smart enough to understand this IMHO. In theory. To put it into action may be harder.

 

And my goodness, stop worrying over nothing. lol I had a "little" grandma (4' 11") who worried over things that had not yet happened, and she wound up with bleeding ulcers. Some end up with heart attacks. I suspect we worry because its what helps kick us into action to avoid the pitfalls. We worry more when we have no control over things. If we first learn how to move into actoin without the fear to motivate us, that zaps half the problem. The other half, we will never have total control over anything. Tho in your case, with her in another country, it may be a little different as so much is out of your hands. Can be frustrating.

 

And your relationship is so very new that this may be a concern or fear depending on how you use it, wondering how all that will pan out. But worrying won't change one tiny thing, except maybe to excate the problems! All you can do is prepare to the best of your human ability, then go with the flow once she gets here, but stay open minded enough to change the flow whenver necessary.

 

I'm sorry, I wish I could tell you there was a hard and fast plan of action you could take to make your marriage the kind you want it to be and to make her feel close to what you feel about Krishna consciousness, but there is no road map, each one is different, and part of your life lessons is to figure it out as you go, or learn from the mistakes you make. And we all make mistakes so don't worry about that either.

 

Yes, you are thinking too much. ha We've all been there. Often the mind won't hush up merely by telling it. Ya gotta go DO something to get it under control, preferably sankirtana or something devotional. But something actively devotional because that way mental energy gets turned into physical energy, and therefore can be released.

 

I don't know why I'm writing so much on the topic. I guess it takes my mind off all the work I really should be doing. /images/graemlins/smile.gif So I bettter wind it up.

 

Regarding the 4 regs, I will let men answer that for your more then myself, but briefly: First, just get her into Prabhupada's books or tapes or video's. Once she develops an attachment to the pure devotee, she will more and more accept his words. And once she understand that sex is one of the major forces that attach us to this material world, including life after life, she won't want to come back and therefore will no longer think you are crazy for desiring celibacy. More often it is merely lack of education on all these topics that result in problems, therefore education will solve them. Anyhow, I wouldn't worry about it beyond that point yet, cuz you first have to give the books, etc. a chance. Most dont want to take birth again, so this can be a very motivating factor! :-)

 

And try not to worry. The unknown can be scary, but it can also be exciting (enlivening). Try to see her higher self, her soul, and you will develop more faith that she WILL understand your points. But mostly, practice what you preach and that is what will have the biggest effect on her. Really.

 

Oh yes, and as you have heard before but may need reiterating, never force Krishna consciousness. Its the *best* way to cause a person to give up interest.

 

Good luck.

[gHari]

But, I gave you a link earlier where your master is preaching nicely about the Gita. You could work that into the conversation since she'd likely be interested in knowing something about the man who controls your life. That's some good association.

 

She would need Real Audio I think for it; and that may be a real luxury on Madagascar.

[Haridham]

Hare Krsna Pritaa ji, how are you doing? I hope your weekend which was full of diwali and goverdhan puja festivities.

 

 

That was a long and wondeful reply.

 

Basically you telling me to realise that marriage is about accepting and not expecting right?

 

Atleast I hope thats what you meant.

 

Hare Krsna

[Haridham]

THank you for the link

 

I cant seem to find it though, any chance you can give it to me again?

 

Thanks

[Priitaa]

Haribol Haridham,

 

My weekends? ha Nothing spectatular in the middle of nowhere. I think our big excitement is going into town for groceries. lol Which is not exciting. But thanks for asking.

 

Well, I don't know that I was trying to explain any one point in my post, but many. If anything I said was unclear, or you want further information, or some elaboration, just let me know.

[gHari]

It was this thread or you can use search at top of page for his name.

[Haridham]

well I think all your points were good.

 

Although I do wish to clarify something that I said. When I stated that in the Srimad Bagavatam it is said that one shoudnt be a father, mother, husband, a guru or a worshipable demigod, I wasnt saying that since I am a husband I am automaticaly qualified to liberate anyone. I meant that many people are getting married(especially people in Indian culture who dont know why to get married but just get married) without knowing the proper things.

 

A husband/wife should understand that he/she is not the controller and krsna is the centre of their relationship.

 

Anyways, thats my view

 

Hare Krsna

[gHari]

Not sure if you read the threads you start, but here is that thread.

 

Let's see if you're ready for his mercy this time around.

[Priitaa]

I realise we all have to take into coonsideration the various angels that come into our lives and make sure to do things the right way. This will set a good example to others who have such misconceptions, and that is preaching too.

 

But not to worry Haridham. I wasn't accusing you of anything. Was just giving some information about ISKCON hisotry, what worked and what didn't. And what still works and what doesn't. Good luck!

[gHari]

The guru link is two posts above this one.

[Haridham]

Hare Krsna, I got that post but the thing is I am at school and they dont have the right program to listen to it right now.

 

Oh well. I will give it a shot again.

[Haridham]

THank you for everything you guys, Please pray for me as there are times when I just get frustrated.

 

Hare Krsna

[gHari]

http://www.primus.ca/en/residential/index.htm

 

You can even get cheaper internet and it includes 5 cents to US and Canada, and only 59 cents to India.

 

I use them. The internet has only been down once for six hours in six years, even during the blackout last year.

[Haridham]

Hey, Hari bolo, you are here wow.

 

GOod afternoon Prabhu. Please accept my humble obesensies.

 

Thank you for the post, I will look into that.

 

Now I am off to write a new thread about something.

 

Hari BOlo