A few Good Ones at School

[atma]

A few good ones at School

 

 

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in

Sunday school quizzes by children between fifth and 6th grade ages in

Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.

Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course,

spelling! Enjoy

 

1. Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who

all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of

the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

 

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened

bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on

Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached

Canada but the commandos made it.

 

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was

a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like

he was sort of busy too.

 

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we

wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young

female moth.

 

5. Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people

advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which

is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic

decline.

 

6. In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled

biscuits, and threw the java. Everyone was rude and went nude. The games

were messier then than they show on TV now.

 

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The

Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made

king. Dying, he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus."

 

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw

for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have

problems. But Joan is dead now and really doesn't care. No doubt God is

still talking to her.

 

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success.

When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!"

and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

 

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg

invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was

the circulation of blood.

 

11. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented

cigarettes and started smoking.

 

12. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper

which was very dangerous to all his men, as he really didn't know what

he was doing the whole time.

 

13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He

was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made

much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,

comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

 

14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He

wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote

Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

 

15. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.

Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of

the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by

rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against

itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in

1790 and is still dead.

 

16. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's

mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built

with his own hands.. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the

Emasculation Proclamation.

 

17. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got

shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They

believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.

This ruined Booth's career and Lincoln's.

 

18. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large

number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he

kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the

most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half

German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

 

19. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that

he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long

walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven

expired in 1827 and later died for this.

 

20. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and

inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing

by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to

spring up.

 

21. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

 

22. Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species.

It was very long, people got upset about it and had trials to see if it

was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but

without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

 

23. Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what

she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't

get to find radios because they were already taken.

 

24. Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the

movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the

family had to have a good paying job, I guess?