Theology as explained by children

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THEOLOGY AS EXPLAINED BY CHILDREN

 

The following are answers given by students from Williamson Presbyterian Church in S.C. to test their understanding of the Bible.

Originally printed in the National Review:

 

The first book of the Bible is Guinessis, in which Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

 

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

 

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day & a ball of fire by night.

 

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

 

Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.

 

Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.

 

The 7th commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."

 

Joshua let the Hebrew in the battle of Geritol.

 

David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

 

Solomon has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

 

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

 

The people who followed Jesus were called the 13 decibels.

 

The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.

 

One of the opossums was St. Matthew.

 

Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

 

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

[Guest guest]

 

 

Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -John

 

Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Stephanie

 

Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Christophe

 

Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Marianne

 

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Christine

 

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Deanna

 

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Andrew

 

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Rochel

 

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You have everything. -Josh

 

Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -Jimmy

 

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Jonathan

 

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

 

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Karen

 

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Mecca

 

Dear GOD, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -De

 

Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -David

 

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Cate

 

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Luann

 

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Rolly

 

Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Susan

 

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Jennifer

 

Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. -Ron

 

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Joey

 

Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -Alanis