Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 Hare Krishna i am having a personal battle here and wanted the input of fellow devotees. I am married with kids. My husband is not KC and has NO interest in becoming. (I have posted here before about him and how he hates that i am going to the temple?) Anyway, He is complaining about how much this has changed me and all I do is look at stuff about krishna online and read books and go to the temple. I do do that a lot, but I also maintain my "life" too. My marriage has never been a happy one, and this attitude of his is pushing me even further away from him. All I can think about is Krishna. I want to be at the temple and associating with devotees as much as i can. This just enrages him even more. I want to leave him but literally have no where to go and no money to do anything with. I want to leave so bad I am halfway out the door. I know KC is going to be in my life no matter what and want to serve Krishna, but my husband is just tearing it to pieces. Any advice on how to endure this or what to do? I am sure I am not the only one who has experienced this. Hari Bol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 Being married and with children can be a problem. an important factor in this is the age of the children. if the children are younger, it may be hard for you to just pack up and leave. i know it would be hard for me. but every case is different. of course you have talked to him. maybe, you may have to come to a compromise and respect your differences and move on. being in a marriage has it good points and then it has its bad points. one thing that is crucial to any personal relationship is mutal respect. from what you have written, it seems that your husband is lacking in that department. do you have any friends that can help you? family? maybe there can be help with the devotees and the temple. talk to them maybe they can be better help to you than i can. best of wishes, hope everything turns out ok Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 lacking in the respect department! My kids are both under 5. If I had teh money or a job to move out I would in less that a second (I am a college student). I have told him twice I was leaving, and he broke down into pieces and I never left. I just don't feel anything for him as far as how a wife should feel for a husband. To make matters worse I feel that I have fallen in love with someone who is a devotee and a bramachari. Between him and krishna my head is full of happiness, and then my husband comes around and I am miserable. Ugh, krishna please have mercy on me and help me get through this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 I found it easier to leave when my child was under give, but as far as being in love with someone else while married, I'm not judging you, just saying its best to stirr one fire at a time. otehrwise bigger problems could arise. Your husband, do you think he has any mental problems? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 when my child was under give, Not under give, under five. lol Tho my husband at the time was starting to abuse my child, so I packed up and left. It wasn't easy, took time to get facility, but over time, I was able to get it. At the time my ex was a devotee tho, which may make it a little easier, knowing his child would be raised as a devotee even if he wanted to stray. The child themselves seem to do better in Krishna consciousness and even psychologically that, if you're gonna leave without a doubt, the sooner the better. If there is any doubt, best not to drag it out and drag their emotions through the mud. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 do not do the mistake of mixing up love life and devotional life...at least when starting new on this path......u will end up with neither. u can take this from someone who has burnt her fingers...but now am pursuing devotional life on my own. best wishes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 ...mind sharing your experience? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 You said you just packed up and left, but the reality is, that I have 2 kids, bills, and only a little bit of money a month that I get for going to school. Where would I go? I cannot just walk up to the temple and say, I need somewhere to live, can I live here? I would love to live at the temple, but I don't think you can do that, especially with 2 kids in tow? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 ok he lacks in respect department..but from the way u seem to be talking about a husband who is currently providing for you and your child....i m sorry...u too seem to lack in the respect department. so, please examine urself before criticizing ur husband. take the first step of being sympathetic to his concerns and explain to him about the new perspective. but i dont think u can do that in all honesty as u r in love with a devotee first and the KC happens to be a side effect or by product of it. nothing wrong with that as long as u pursue KC more seriously than the devotee. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 Cpncoiusness comes first of course! I am a bit offended by that. I have done nothing but take care of my husband and kids for 10 years. I finally find something that feels right, and makes me happy and he is so threatened by it that he rips it apart, which in turn rips me apart. I have always respected him as my husband and would never disrespect him by pursuing anything with another man, all I was saying was that feelings were there. You cannot suggest the idea of me living with someone who shows no respect or patience for anything that means something to his wife, nevermind that fact that I do not love him anymore, and have not for a long time. yes, he provides for his family and is a good dad, but he makes me feel miserable when I am around him and that is certainly not how I want to spend the rest of my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 Hi, I didn't say I just packed up and left, though maybe it sounded like that. I said it took time to get facilitated. That only requires one sentence to write, but it took quite a bit of time (and of suffering!) until it all fell into place. I cannot just walk up to the temple and say, I need somewhere to live, can I live here? You might be surprised. LOL Wait until you hear what I did. I moved into a temple at first. They were willing and even happy to take women with children at the time. I don't know if they still do that. It wasn't easy life tho, so its not the cure all. Regarding bills, doesn't your husband take care of them? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 Its hard as a devotee to give any advice since on the one hand, it is seriously against our spiriutal beliefs to ever break up, on the other, we know it goes on, and is sometimes necessary. add to the fire, your husband is so strongly against Krishna consciousness. Its hard to stay with a man who isn't, but here is where I may burst your buble. Dont think its easy to stay with a man who is. Many devotees divorce. one common complaint of women is different angles how the man did not protect her but was quite fast to own her, the children got ignored or abused, yada yada. they are the other extreme, where many men think if they are spiriutal, every other duty is automatically taken care of. this often leads to divorce over time when the suffering of the woman and children gets too out of hand. I can't recomend leaving a husand simultaneously going into anew relationship. Maybe if you did one at a time, first allowing yourself a good year or more for healing and spiriutal studies. you are too new to it all to know if the things a new husband were to tell you is really Krishna consciousness or his newness too, and misunderstandings as a young brahmacari. I would think the risk is too high and better to do one thing at a time if you decide to leave. think things through carefully first. Its hardest on the children, even devotee life, when you dont know you are suppose to keep an extra eye on them around devotees and instead may be too trusting of them. then kids get hurt in many ways. Slow down, think, then do, whatever you select. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 Bramacharis could not have intimate relationships? that they had to be celebate? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 no he doesn't at least not all of them. I hve several debts from before we were married and a car payment, i would not leave him with that. he didn't rack it up, so he shouldn't have to pay for it. How long ago was that that you left? How are you and the kids now? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 Bramacharis could not have intimate relationships? that they had to be celebate? No, they cannot have intimate relationships and they have to be celibate, unless they want to get married. Guess what? After marriage, they, and you, still have to be celibate. At least if you marry an initiated devotee, that vow must be kept. Marriage is not for sex life. Prabhupada said sex for procreation, not recreation. lol this is what i mean when I say you need to study before you are ready to live with a devotee man, and all that comes with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 no he doesn't at least not all of them. I hve several debts from before we were married and a car payment, i would not leave him with that. he didn't rack it up, so he shouldn't have to pay for it. I agree. You need a job. How long ago was that that you left? How are you and the kids now? It was a very long time ago I went through all of this, and it was very painful. Its not easy for chlidren to live in a temple, and hard on the woman too. Under certain circumstances, its better than nothing. How are they now? Any current problems have nothing to do with leaving my (extremely) abusive ex. Except having another father wasn't good for them and they have some unrecognized healing to do from all his rageaholing. Something I hope you will consider. Even a second marriage doens't promise love or even right treatment. Better to become a brahmacarini yourself. Later if you want to marry, you can decide at that time, after you've had a bigger taste for Krishna prema. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 living my whole life as a devotee of Krishna. I don't just want to go to the temple on sunday or sneak off there durig the week. I don't want to cook meat for my husband anymore, I don't want to have to fight everytime i am doing something or looking at something to do with Krishna Conciousness. I know it would be a different life, but it is the life I actually want. I want to cook prasadam and offer all my meals to krishna. I want to be able to listen to bhajans and not have to turn it off when my husband comes home because he tells me to "turn this . off". I didn't want to turn this into a big huge topic, I am just feeling like I need to do something and not sure what it is I should do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 dont feel bad its turning into a big huge topic. if you want answers, thats what it is. I understand you dont want to cook meat for your husband anymore. So don't! Start sticking up for yourself. Tell him you are going to leave unless he starts doing some of YOUR stuff. Be assertiive. Let him know you ARE turning into a devotee and if he wants to keep the marriage together, he better stop giving you a hard time about it. Tell him you are GOING to read Krishna conscious things on the net, you are going to listen to bhajanas and kirtans and if he doesn't like it, he should let you know so you can pack and move into the temple. (even if you don't, he dosn't know that. lol) Tell him you ARE going to go to the temple reguarly and if he doesn''t like you living at home and attending the temple regularly, you would be happy to move in. I have a funny feeling that, tho he would initially balk, he would soon get the message " Want to keep wife? Let her keep Krishna." ha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 but do that on a day when the kids are not at home, are in school, somewhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 i just bumped into this forum and have similar problem yet different scenario. What if I am engaged to a Hare Krishna devotee and now I feel I am not ready to live with him yet? I am not a devotee though I admired and love him so much and been trying to follow the path he is taking. Yet, I am afraid I am not worth of following the regulations, and other rules of "a wife of a devotee". What should I do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 dear new Guestji, my only advice is not to try to be someone on a material/spiritual level you are not. You will be able to follow bhakti-yoga regulations given by Prabhupada when you get attachment to the activities he has prescribed for us. Start with chanting, reading his books. Marriage with an initiated devotee is later in my humble opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2003 Report Share Posted November 20, 2003 I am afraid I am not worth of following the regulations, and other rules of "a wife of a devotee". What should I do? [/quote[ There is no such animail of "I'm not worthy." Everyone is worthy simple because you breathe, therefore Krshna has given you life air and a soul. Do you want to do it? Maybe not. Maybe you're just frightened. Don't push it. Take it one step at a time. To do it artificially won't have staying power. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2003 Report Share Posted November 21, 2003 Thank you for all your honest response. I can say that I am very spiritual too. I believe that my fiancee or my "husband to be" could help me grow in spirit and I always pray and I will do my best to help him for his spiritual advancement. My only dream is to enter the spiritual abode with him. Yet sometimes, I am afraid, what if the marriage won't work out? I came from a very conservative catholic family and I value marriage so much... "What God put together let no man can put as under". We are planning after the marriage, we will live in one of the sacred place in India. Maybe I am just too mental for I haven't been there. There are lots of things I need to sacrifice, my career, for I am having a very good job, I will leave my family and circle of friends, but I am very willing to give up these things and change my life style, be a simple wife and consentrate on my spirituality with him. However, when I asked him about the back ground of the place we will live, he is telling me it's more "strict" and this made me think ahead much. Also, the thought of going to a place that I would become a "perfect stranger" is one of the things that I worry a lot too. Are we rushing things? Is there such a thing as "ever ready" for marriage especially marrying a person of different culture and orientation? I only want the best for him, and i am willing to sacrifice my happiness if I know in the end I will fail to be a good wife for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2003 Report Share Posted November 21, 2003 he's a fanatic neophyte.. leave him, this is not krsna consciousness (quitting a good job, living in india, being more "strict"... naah!!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 21, 2003 Report Share Posted November 21, 2003 How long have you known him (as more than a friend)? I do not find going to India the best way to introduce his wife to Krishna consciousness. If he's not taking your needs into consideration now, and only his, it will only get worse. Imagine how that will effect children too! Not only do I think you are going too fast, I think he is a neophyte or not ready to really get married. Its like he wants to live more the brahmacari lifestyle. I can guarantee that men who have thought like this not only hang togehter (therefore you will not get much support, and he will get plenty, to ignor your needs), but they also have lousy marriages. Many dont last. Actually, this whole thing sounds dangerous to me. Why are you marrying him? I mean, giving up all that and going to a country you are not use to living in. A country where woman are treated very differently and you may not know how to behave? Yes, there is a time of being ready for marriage. The mere fact that you are asking like this, makes it sound like you are not ready. And here is one problem some of the young brahmacari's have. They marry for sex. Its the only way they can have it. Make sure this guy knows you as a person, and for a good length of time. If you have to sacrifice your life for his 'best,' he's being on the take. That is not the best for him. It will make ihm selfish. You need to respect yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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